My Girlfriend is addicted to drugs as a mother! And I can’t report her because they will take her kids and I also can’t help her myself

[victorzyyy]

My girlfriend (33F) has two kids (5M, 9F) that I help her raise. I am 24 years old myself

Her kids were sent to live with their grandparents by social services for a year because she had a burnout and other issues. This is the second time her kids have been taken from her. She’s now trying to get them back, but I’m terrified of what will happen if she succeeds because she has a drug problem that affects everything in her life. And no one knows about that problem but me.

She uses 4-FMP to give herself energy, but it doesn’t make her productive like she thinks. For example, she’ll decide to hang shelves but will move them many times in a day. Staying up all night. Before, she would use it to draw, but she’d stay awake for 50 hours straight and draw the same thing repeatedly. Most of the time, the drugs make her paranoid, angry, or completely inefficient towards me personally in case I showed that I am not happy of her use. For the rest she would look like a zombie when she is drawing, and she is 100% convinced that she is now doing productive art.
This drug also makes her accuses me of cheating, hacking her, or plotting against her. With 0 evidence every time. And if I give her evidence that I didn’t. She would believe me when she is sober and when she does drugs again she accuses me of new things.

The drugs cycle is like this, she does drugs. Stays all day doing things. Then at night keeps going with doing things, next morning, she then looks like someone who is surviving life because of no sleep. She stays awake until the night and then she collapses. Imagine sometimes she sniffed more and stayed a third day.
But after collapsing she takes one day of rest because her body is dead dead. When her body is rested she buys some more and sniff and then cycle repeat. You have then about 4 days of being awake per week.

When her kids are with her, which happens now once every and a while. she would do the drugs when they are here not always but she does it! Gets distracted, staying up all night doing random things, like rearranging furniture and then doing it again and again in the same day instead of giving that time to her kids. I can be busy too but mostly I play with her kids cool games and all because I seriously miss them! They aren’t so often here, specially the daughter even tho she annoys people with her behaviour, if you don’t see her for weeks you will miss her.
So I play with them so she can be busy doing other things because she REALLY needs to rearrange the house furniture! She says she will make food for the kids, but when it is time to feed children. She asks if I can cook for her kids because she’s too busy doing tasks, or she would ask me to come help her. (Not to say when I cook I ask no one to help me and I cook for her and her children often) or she’ll cook in a rushed way while still on drugs. She’s so disconnected.

She promises me she’ll stop but never follows through. She apologizes, says she’ll quit, then two days later, she’s using again. If I ask if she’s sober, she gets mad and says, “I’m just taking it to get things done; it’s not a big deal.” She switches from shame and apologies to defending it like it’s normal and makes me feel like I am annoying her.

I feel stuck because I can’t go to the authorities without risking her losing her kids forever. Her mother is no help either—she’s the one who reports my girlfriend to the authorities in the first place but in the worst way possible as if her daughter is an enemy.

I love her, and she’s not just her addiction. But I feel like I’m being manipulated. I can’t get mad at her, even when I want to, because she’s so volatile. I try to be kind and supportive, but she still thinks I’m against her.

I feel so powerless. I want to help her, but I don’t know how. Any advice?

 

[victorzyyy]

My girlfriend (33F) has two kids (5M, 9F) that I help her raise. I am 24 years old myself

Her kids were sent to live with their grandparents by social services for a year because she had a burnout and other issues. This is the second time her kids have been taken from her. She’s now trying to get them back, but I’m terrified of what will happen if she succeeds because she has a drug problem that affects everything in her life. And no one knows about that problem but me.

She uses 4-FMP to give herself energy, but it doesn’t make her productive like she thinks. For example, she’ll decide to hang shelves but will move them many times in a day. Staying up all night. Before, she would use it to draw, but she’d stay awake for 50 hours straight and draw the same thing repeatedly. Most of the time, the drugs make her paranoid, angry, or completely inefficient towards me personally in case I showed that I am not happy of her use. For the rest she would look like a zombie when she is drawing, and she is 100% convinced that she is now doing productive art.
This drug also makes her accuses me of cheating, hacking her, or plotting against her. With 0 evidence every time. And if I give her evidence that I didn’t. She would believe me when she is sober and when she does drugs again she accuses me of new things.

The drugs cycle is like this, she does drugs. Stays all day doing things. Then at night keeps going with doing things, next morning, she then looks like someone who is surviving life because of no sleep. She stays awake until the night and then she collapses. Imagine sometimes she sniffed more and stayed a third day.
But after collapsing she takes one day of rest because her body is dead dead. When her body is rested she buys some more and sniff and then cycle repeat. You have then about 4 days of being awake per week.

When her kids are with her, which happens now once every and a while. she would do the drugs when they are here not always but she does it! Gets distracted, staying up all night doing random things, like rearranging furniture and then doing it again and again in the same day instead of giving that time to her kids. I can be busy too but mostly I play with her kids cool games and all because I seriously miss them! They aren’t so often here, specially the daughter even tho she annoys people with her behaviour, if you don’t see her for weeks you will miss her.
So I play with them so she can be busy doing other things because she REALLY needs to rearrange the house furniture! She says she will make food for the kids, but when it is time to feed children. She asks if I can cook for her kids because she’s too busy doing tasks, or she would ask me to come help her. (Not to say when I cook I ask no one to help me and I cook for her and her children often) or she’ll cook in a rushed way while still on drugs. She’s so disconnected.

She promises me she’ll stop but never follows through. She apologizes, says she’ll quit, then two days later, she’s using again. If I ask if she’s sober, she gets mad and says, “I’m just taking it to get things done; it’s not a big deal.” She switches from shame and apologies to defending it like it’s normal and makes me feel like I am annoying her.

I feel stuck because I can’t go to the authorities without risking her losing her kids forever. Her mother is no help either—she’s the one who reports my girlfriend to the authorities in the first place but in the worst way possible as if her daughter is an enemy.

I love her, and she’s not just her addiction. But I feel like I’m being manipulated. I can’t get mad at her, even when I want to, because she’s so volatile. I try to be kind and supportive, but she still thinks I’m against her.

I feel so powerless. I want to help her, but I don’t know how. Any advice

 

[daturetard]

The door only safe thing for the kids is to report her anonymously. She shouldn't have those kids if she isn't providing for them. I understand you love her but she's a fucking deadbeat. Report her. You'll never get an addict to quit for you. They do it by their own decision or not at all.

 

[victorzyyy]

You know her life will get destroyed if her kids are taken away from here for good. She will do even more drugs. Will end up with bad people.

Last time they took her children she went nuts

 

[daturetard]

That sucks and all, but drug use is a personal choice, growing up with your mom on meth is not. You need to look at the detriment to their lives versus the benefit to your girlfriends. She's predisposing them to addiction and probably using most of the food money on Work. Does she cook for them? is the house clean? Does she play with them? Help with homework? Do anything to benefit their development? Honestly if she's geeked all the time she shouldn't be with her kids.

 

[victorzyyy]

You have a point I get that, she doesn’t do meth she does 4-fmp and this drug doesn’t make you fully unaware of reality or so but just makes you a productive zombie
When her kids are here, she has days that she does everything for them, but other days where she is very very tired and just can’t do much. Her drug use makes her body tired but also because she once had cancer when she was a kid.
the house is clean yes.

It is just not at the point where she is an extremely bad mom. That’s why she doesn’t deserve her whole life being ruined and losing her kids for ever.

Is there any kind of other ways than reporting her?



I hope I am not bothering you by talking more about it cuz normally I ask on Reddit and there we have small discussions

 

[emkee_reinvented]

The door only safe thing for the kids is to report her anonymously. She shouldn't have those kids if she isn't providing for them. I understand you love her but she's a fucking deadbeat. Report her. You'll never get an addict to quit for you. They do it by their own decision or not at all.

Report her ! Fuck no !

No man that imo is a desperate last option.
Well if your Dutch, our gouvernement made a mistake.
They thought they paid the poor to much, after all it was not the case.
They fucked up made a mistake, and as they are fucked,
never looked in the mirror. Better blame someone else. Off course.

These people suddenly had depths, working people mostly.
Mistake oops, resulted in out placing their kid s in foster-houses.
Physical/ emotionally, sexually and psychologically abuse hit the news,
and 257 just dissipated/ lost of the map, gone ?
Its a national scandal now.

She is a tweaker obvious, and irresponsible atm, unfit as parent. Agreed.
What other options are there where you remain in gain of control,
not those gouvernement organisation like childcare.

Who break United Nations Children's Rights, as if they don t even excist.
No idea if there are integer governments on the globe ?

edit: assumed you were the father, but rereading it. I guessing not.
Do you have rights, or know the father maybe. And if he is alright not addict or ... ?

 

[victorzyyy]

Actually yes we are in the Netherlands! She is Dutch I am not but I speak the language and know the culture

This is VERY true! The organisations like veiligthuis and idk what also and the gemeente working too on it. It is just overwhelming and they place so much stress on the kids. They really ruin lives
So I basically can not report her because I will be hurting the kids too

It is a sticky situation

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I'd say give her an ultimatum. It's either the drugs or you. That'll show you what her priorities are. Though I wouldn't hold my breath given that she's unwilling to even prioritise her own kids.

Have you tried pointing out to her that she ISN'T in fact getting more things done? Film her. Then when she's sober show her what she's like when she's zombified. Ask her if SHE'D like to hang around someone like that. Or if that person is fit to raise children.
Do a week's log of everytime she does any of what you described above. For instance like : Wednesday 12 o'clock, announces she'll make lunch for the kids. 1.30 still no lunch done. 2 o'clock I have to make lunch. 11.15 pm draws a sailboat. 3.45 am draws identical sailboat nr. 133 etc. You can then also show that to the relevant authorities.

 

[negrogesic]

I think you mean 4FMPH (or more commonly, 4F-MPH). There is no drug by the name 4FMP. There is a drug called 4-FMA, but I doubt it's that due to its low potency, expense and being relative uncommon.

4F-MPH is however very common, and potent, so it could be used as you described. It can definitely be abused, and its not unpleasant, but its not the most euphoric/enjoyable stimulant. There is an initial short lived high after snorting it, and then one becomes stiff and robotic, like you described. I can't imagine if she got her hand on a stimulant with a better high, like meth.

And just for information's sake, the behavior you're describing is called punding, which is caused by a hyperdopamingeric state and involves doing pointless, repetitive things, like rearranging furniture etc. I've experienced it myself when i used to snort ritalin/focalin all day long (a drug closely related to 4-FMPH): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punding

Personally, i think you need to get out of the situation. She's a decade older than you, has two kids, and is hooked on RC stimulants. You're only 24. I recommended you find someone else and don't waste your youth taking care of some lady's kids. What happens isn't your concern, you have your own life, it's not up to you to pickup the broken pieces of some lady a decade older than you with 2 kids.

But I get it, easy for me to say. Easier said than done.

 

[GulpingBatteryLiquid]

You know her life will get destroyed if her kids are taken away from here for good. She will do even more drugs. Will end up with bad people.

Last time they took her children she went nuts

That's her problem at the end of the day. If she's doing stims for days on end, it's possible that she will have an episode of stimulant psychosis, which could result in bad things happening to her and / or the kids

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Actually yes we are in the Netherlands! She is Dutch I am not but I speak the language and know the culture

This is VERY true! The organisations like veiligthuis and idk what also and the gemeente working too on it. It is just overwhelming and they place so much stress on the kids. They really ruin lives
So I basically can not report her because I will be hurting the kids too

It is a sticky situation

That Bizar normally i wake before write,
i m doing it the other way now.
This is so close, i am Dutch, divorced and kids.
Bin through a likewise situation as Dad.

So have had to do with all the retards,
working for the gouvernement:
Youth care, Yeah and I am a Butterfly

Weird was none knew about Childrens Rights, the Law,
Oh my gwod.

So they didn t put the importance where it should be,
on the kids. So they don t do what their protocols say !
Wastemen/ ZiekeMensen, at least here ,

Staying away no option anymore. Try to keep all
info you have in order, get your files they have on you !
Your files they only keep em, but they are yours !
The mother could do that too, so you at least have knowledge.
Bout what the f.... there up with. And doing with you all.

'Veilig Thuis' besides the fact that from the 9 involved.
Where the only one neutral, unlike the other s,
didn t base judgement on assumption and lies.
Ime correct, integer and useless ? Didn t do shit.

Must tell that the whole was based on a police notification,
of my ex to the Police i DUI-ed with my kids in a car.
Cops don t keep to the Law, but that is known, their above it.

I have no license- no car- nor intend or was there any prove.
Police don t check notification s on facts,
but they do become fact. Once in your Police file.
Strange is when you file a complain about
someone, they have to check for facts ?

And is shared with all the 8 so called youth care organisation s.
I assume, as its without consent or notice.

So they labelled me unfit as parent, probably.
And i can t correct my file with Police, and get the bullshit out.
Why: as that would uncovering my ex made 2 false notification s.
Meaning 2 fines, but worse the chance the will outplace my kids.

And that when it gets shitty, scandals about abuse,
Dissipated kids., 257 and counting, how. The Dutch state.


Worst case scenario, so in the situation i am in, i took the bad guy role.
For my kids safety, my ex is not a bad mother just bit loony and,
not the perfect wife. But great mother.

And like said before the fact there are 9 organisations aimed on your kids.
Battering you, imo at least 6 are abundant and 3 more then enough.
But should be integer, work by their protocols instead.

Stand tough, get back on this or PM me.
Feel for you and the kids and hope,
she will beat her addiction. Lucky NPS [RC chemicals]
will be gone at latest end June. Illegal. Should help a bit.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

Maybe more relevant, everything i found out:
why they kept my kid from me.
Was not provided by the organisation s themselves.

DUI was found out by me through a thorough search,
and gestapo style interrogation of:
my mental health care retard. A Psychiatric nurse [male]

And that goes for all relevant info i got. From my files,
from a hon-oust/ integer Psychologist telling me the truth.
That all these organisation s are payed frauds/ flaws, breaking Laws.

Sticky situation, hoped it was local, seems its national.
Bad sign. A judge would trim em to the ground, when integer !

Btw: PM = PrivateMessage, when you click my avatar.

 

[emkee_reinvented]

That's her problem at the end of the day. If she's doing stims for days on end, it's possible that she will have an episode of stimulant psychosis, which could result in bad things happening to her and / or the kids

Wish it was her problem, but that s assuming !
That the Netherland s ChildCare are OK, they are not.
That their trustworthy, they are all but.
Where i recede this is open common knowledge.
Like front-page local newspaper.
These organisations make things worse.

Fact, and the victims Children.
Scandal, outraging, my country has gone mad

A good advise would be get money, a good Lawyer.
And this is a case for the Court/ judge handling kids/ family issues.
Don t know if these are worth trust, but the organisation s not !

Did i i repeat myself, was it necessary sadly it is. Don t trust em PERIOD.

 

[Keif' Richards]

There are rules for us folks without kids and those who have kids. You could say we get to lives free of responsibility. I would counter that by saying human nature is to reproduce and have children. As men and women, we all make a commitment every time we whip our private parts out. If a baby happens, you do the right thing for it. If you can't do that, you do the right thing and you give the kids up. The wrong of all wrongs is to raise a child in an environment of addiction.

Trust me, I know, as do many of us. 34 years from now, you could have some little bastard running around on the internet talking about his favorite hobby, injecting Heroin with all of his peers.

It's pretty simple. That doesn't make any of this easy.

If she is unable to stop, then the kids have to go somewhere else. It's the lesser of two evils. I have to parlay with DCF occasionally as a side-quest for my day job. 75% of them seem really not to give a shit in the way you would hope they do. 10% really care though they are at constant war with the other employees who are striving to do as little as possible.

- The kids are not gonna be okay in this environment
- She needs to know that she is at the end of the road. I wouldn't advise explicitly stating DCF involvement, but she needs to feel like this is the end of her life. She can either change or life is going to change her.
- She has the opportunity to walk out of this with everything intact. Otherwise, she will lose everything.
- If she is unable to make any serious attempt at sobriety, you need to do whatever needs to be done.

I've been in and seen environments in which small children are being raised by Methamphetamine/Cocaine addicted parents. When you mention the hanging of shelves, I understand intimately. With enough speed, you can easily get lost for 12 hours or more. It really breaks your heart man.

I don't judge any of these people man. If they want to get high 24/7 they can't do it with their kids. If they want their kids, they're not gonna be able to keep getting high.

If you have questions about resources, let me know and we can figure it out together. Meanwhile, I'm moving this over to the Dark Side.

 

[beggers991]

Unless you plan on marrying this person, get out before you get hurt. She’s using you. You have your whole life ahead of you at 24. I understand you’ll feel guilt for her kids being in that situation and for her suffering, but unless she gets admitted to a rehabilitation center she’s gonna end up dead or in prison in the next year or so guaranteed. Get out while you can. Good luck. God bless.

 

[4DQSAR]

Is this a repost? I'm almost sure I read the same story just a couple of days ago.