redballoons
Bluelighter
Hey TDS, i'm fairly new to these forums and I've been lurking this forum ever since I joined, I guess thsi thread belongs in this subforum. If not, feel free to move it elsewhere mods 
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I'm 20 and i guess i just had my first breakdown today. Here's a backstory. My mom has been sick for a few months. Her kidney is failing and was put on dialysis two weeks ago. Every night she has to insert this IV thing directly inside of her.
I live and go to school about an hour and a half away, so I have pretty much been living in this fantasy world of mine. I knew she was sick and the best thing for her would be a kidney transplant. So I volunteered, but she hasn't given me any directions as to how I can get tested if I'm a match for her. She is currently on the waiting list for one and another cousin is a possible match for her as well, but he lives outside the country. Since I wanted to help her out in anyway, I did my best to keep my body clean, I've cut back on drinking and rolling. But I still continued to smoke weed as that has been relief for the past 7years.
Fast forward to today, I straight up broke down as soon as she left my apartment. Even though I knew she had dialysis, I always looked away and was never in the same room when she took her meds. But she was in my apartment today and saw one of those IV pouches thing (the one that holds liquid? idk what their called ahah). The sight of that pouch was like a clean jab to the sternum. I didn't know what to do. I just helped her pack her stuff, constantly telling her 711 coffee so she doesn't fall asleep on the drive. As soon as I got back inside my apartment, tears began to escape from me.
I honestly feel so useless right now. My license is suspended, so I can't help her drive back down (She say's gets more stressed when i drive because of the fear that I might get pulled over and get arrested again). I don't have a job, so they have to spend there money on me and my schooling. My sister is going to the same school as me, but might not live in the dorms because she turned her form in late, which makes me feel responsible. And we can't afford for my sister and myself to live in separate apartments. Another problem is that my lease ends next month, but my roommates and I have yet to figure out where we are going to live next year.
And above all, I feel terrible that I can't help my mom with her condition. I just worry for her and the thought of her being sick really gets to me.
Normally, I would just pack a bowl and light myself to sleep to prevent all these emotions. I can't do that now. Mainly because I have to way of transporation to meet my connects and that I have summer school starting next week. (Three classes plus discussions for five weeks gaahhh). I just don't know what to do right now.
I guess I just needed to vent. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks for reading. I mean it.
.I'm 20 and i guess i just had my first breakdown today. Here's a backstory. My mom has been sick for a few months. Her kidney is failing and was put on dialysis two weeks ago. Every night she has to insert this IV thing directly inside of her.
I live and go to school about an hour and a half away, so I have pretty much been living in this fantasy world of mine. I knew she was sick and the best thing for her would be a kidney transplant. So I volunteered, but she hasn't given me any directions as to how I can get tested if I'm a match for her. She is currently on the waiting list for one and another cousin is a possible match for her as well, but he lives outside the country. Since I wanted to help her out in anyway, I did my best to keep my body clean, I've cut back on drinking and rolling. But I still continued to smoke weed as that has been relief for the past 7years.
Fast forward to today, I straight up broke down as soon as she left my apartment. Even though I knew she had dialysis, I always looked away and was never in the same room when she took her meds. But she was in my apartment today and saw one of those IV pouches thing (the one that holds liquid? idk what their called ahah). The sight of that pouch was like a clean jab to the sternum. I didn't know what to do. I just helped her pack her stuff, constantly telling her 711 coffee so she doesn't fall asleep on the drive. As soon as I got back inside my apartment, tears began to escape from me.
I honestly feel so useless right now. My license is suspended, so I can't help her drive back down (She say's gets more stressed when i drive because of the fear that I might get pulled over and get arrested again). I don't have a job, so they have to spend there money on me and my schooling. My sister is going to the same school as me, but might not live in the dorms because she turned her form in late, which makes me feel responsible. And we can't afford for my sister and myself to live in separate apartments. Another problem is that my lease ends next month, but my roommates and I have yet to figure out where we are going to live next year.
And above all, I feel terrible that I can't help my mom with her condition. I just worry for her and the thought of her being sick really gets to me.
Normally, I would just pack a bowl and light myself to sleep to prevent all these emotions. I can't do that now. Mainly because I have to way of transporation to meet my connects and that I have summer school starting next week. (Three classes plus discussions for five weeks gaahhh). I just don't know what to do right now.
I guess I just needed to vent. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks for reading. I mean it
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