Mental Health My father's abusive father

[Lightning-Nl]

I've known of my dad's father (my grandfather) and how he abusive he was for quite some time. My dad used to tell me stories, when I was a little kid, of how his father - whenever my dad or his brothers did even the tiniest thing wrong, would literally beat the shit out of them. He would take off his belt, make sure the buckle was on the side he wasn't holding and whip my dad and his brothers. He did this in order to punish them, but he would do it if he was having a bad day (take his anger out on them) and, according to my dad, he would do it "simply because he didn't like them."

Not only would he be physically abusive to them, he was also very emotionally abusive to them. He would also tell my dad and his brothers how they were just the scum of the earth, how they would never amount to anything, how they were actually the evil ones (not him) and that they would be nothing their entire lives.

Obviously, my dad never had any kind of relationship with his father. This is one of the saddest things is ever heard, due to the fact that my dad is such an amazing father. He's never been abusive to me or my sisters, always tries to make sure we're having a good time, and honestly? He's my best friend. There is no one in the world that I look up to more than my father.

Unfortunately, though, he's unable to give praise. I don't know if this is due to the fact that he never had praise from his father as a child or what, but only very certain things he can give praise for. He also only focuses on the negative. For instance, if I hook up a entire home theatre for him, with hundreds of wires, devices, speakers, etc. The only thing he's able to focus on the fact that I accidentally switched around the positive and the negative on one of the speakers. He's then, very minorlly, verbally abusive. He'll call me a dumbass for doing that and then make fun of me for the next 20-80 minutes. This is one of the only flaws with my dad, but it's been very detrimental to my self-esteem. Especially since I look up to him as much as I do, I guess I would say.......it really hurts me when he does that. For years, I've thought that I was no good because my father is unable to praise me. Although, I don't blame him for it. I blame his father for it.

He claims that what happened during his childhood doesn't effect him anymore and that he got over it pretty quickly. However, it's pretty obvious that isn't true. Whenever I bring up the topic of his family he tends to get really quiet, say something about how awful his father was, then blurt out "I don't want to talk about it anymore!" And will change the subject. It's quite sad really because I can just tell by the way he acts that he wishes more than anything that he could've had someone to call his "dad." I'm pretty sure that's why he's been, overall, a great father - he's trying to compensate for what he never had.

Anyways, my point of telling you this is, how do you think this effects my dad? He's repressed these awful things for years! I'm sure there's some major psychological damage there, but he always claims he's over it and then changes the subject.

I'm just curios, what do you think my dad really does feel inside?

 

[What 23]

I believe he obviously still wrestles with a messed up image his father influenced. It sucks that it still washes over in his own insecurity/internal demons manifested in these projections onto you... But with work your line of this human disease will feel it less.

Its good that your father has overcome as much as he has... And you seem to have a good mind on the situation now. Just know as you do, his words stem from unresolved psychological trauma/in a sense damage. Always maintain compassion.

Also, use humor/don't take yourself too seriously... Don't take it personally. He's not getting on you, he's with his own demons, reflecting/projecting insecurity.

Maybe show him praise?

As for your fathers father... I wonder what evil got into him?

 

[herbavore]

Swampfox, I don't know how old your father is but my Dad's generation of parents were taught to believe that praising children would make them "soft" or not prepare them adequately for life. My Dad, too, was a very good and loving father but he rarely praised us in our presence. Not until I was grown did he say things in retrospect that showed me he had been proud of me all along. So maybe he thinks he is strengthening your character; even though I don't subscribe to that I have seen the other side of the coin in my generation of parents where every little thing gets praised and in the end, it becomes both meaningless and a kind of heightened need for the person that is always praised to continue to get that externally for the rest of their lives (very unrealistic!).

The other thing that I was thinking is that when we become parents we have this kind of unconscious replaying of our own parents style even though outwardly we are maybe reacting by trying to do the opposite. My mom used to be a master of the "silent treatment" and I swore I would never do that to my own kids or husband. Imagine my surprise to learn that I could be a master of it too! It took real work to push myself to learn and integrate new and better ways of communicating. Parenting is a really humbling experience. You love your kids more than anyone or anything in life and you cannot imagine that you would ever do anything that would impact them negatively--but then there you stand in all your human fallibility, with all the same flaws you've always had and you realize that love does not magically make you perfect.