I remember sitting on the bed at this dude’s home it was just the two of us. Out of nowhere the room became filled with people. I was terrified. I thought all of them were there to kill me. I ran out of his apartment. Assuming I was being chased I got in my car and called 911. I hung up on them pretty much instantly. I then called my dad for help. I don’t recall what exactly he said except him telling me to go to the emergency room and he would meet me there. What I do recall from that conversation was how calm he was. He was soft-spoken, collected, and reassuring. You would have never known he was fed up with me. I credit his demeanor to him having a schizophrenic mother. He knew exactly what was happening to me and how to handle it so I could trust his advice and get help.
I don’t think he knows how much that moment has stuck with me to this day. After everything I had put him and my mom through, I was surprised he even answered. This would not be the first time my dad helped me in a moment like this. It was October of 2023 when I had a surreal out-of-body experience. I had taken Seroquel, which I am prescribed, to come down. It is an instant meth killer and takes 10-15 minutes to kick in. When it does, you better be laying down as it’s truly will come out of nowhere and you will pass out. Sometimes though, it can have adverse effects. Since the nervous system is on overdrive and your brain is flooded with dopamine, Seroquel completely reverts course (It’s a dopamine antagonist) and rebukes all dopamine in a matter of seconds. It was around 4 AM when I took it and by 4:30 I had woken up, well technically I jumped up. With my phone in my hand, I saw the time (I did not know what it was at that point, nor that it was a phone). I looked back and saw my body lying in my bed. I threw my phone across the room and immediately began running around the basement screaming. At the moment, and this is hard to describe, as I don't even know the words I am about to use will convey how horrid and life-altering it was. I thought I was alone in the universe and was just born. I could scream but not speak. I felt like I was learning to live again. Walk, talk, etc. I did not understand who I was yet. Not to mention what I was. It was the worst moment in my life. I had no idea there were other people, nor that I had parents two stories above me. I can not emphasize this enough. This experience was pure hell. I assumed I was going to be trapped in this state permanently. I have never felt so afraid. After about 10 minutes, something clicked. I knew I had a dad. I did not know what that meant though. Something told me to just scram the words "DAD!" and I did.. And as I am writing this my eyes are like a waterfall. At that moment, I had this feeling, that he was the only one who could help me. Guess what, he did. He calmed me down almost instantly. He told me to sit down, to which I replied, "How do I sit?". I had pretty much lost all cognitive function. I never wanted to experience that ever again. I did though. Two more times. I want my dad to know how much I love him. He and I clash heads a lot. He is my biggest supporter and champion though. I would not be here today if not for him.
Now that the detour is over, back to June 2017. I drove myself to the emergency room somehow. The interstate is normally blindingly bright for midnight. It was complete darkness. All the lights were off. The road had no cars. The billboards were all off or blank, the road had construction cones scattered across the 6 lanes and every single exit was missing their names and numbers. How I made it to the emergency room is beyond me. I did grow up here and know this city like I know my own hand, so thankfully I knew where to eventually venture off. When I got off the exit, detour signs were pointing in every single direction. Including up to heaven and down to hell. I now know that trip, pun intended, to the ER wasn’t rooted in reality. I did drive to the ER just not how I pictured it. How I didn’t kill myself, or more importantly anyone else, I will never know. That was one of the moments God saved my life. I just didn’t know it back then. That occasion was my first time admitting I had a problem. It got me clean for 6 months. I did relapse on New Year's Eve and stayed out till January 17th, 2018. The following day was the start of my first true long-term recovery. That was until 2023.
