Euphoric Spirit
Bluelighter
These diary’s are from 2014 when I made this account and I wanted to share them with you guys. I was taking oxy 30s, perks, and injecting hydro morphine when I wrote these. Iv gone through much worse detoxes, several treatment centres and prisons and even a near death overdose that left me in a coma for a week but these are this is most impactful thing I’ve ever wrote while using. I was young and dumb but I was real. I’ve never let anyone but a girlfriend read this and she cried. I am not sober today but I have gotten a hold of it. I use small amounts consistently instead of using as much as possible to just get high as possible. Enjoy
life goes on. Hope rises and dreams flicker and die. Love plans for tomorrow and loneliness thinks of yesterday. Life is beautiful and living is pain. with christmas on the horizon, i wonder how many minds act the same as mine. a mind full of thoughts that cant be expressed on paper. with no job and no place to call my own it is no wonder im alone. people all around some black and some white i feel blue. will the novel in my mind ever be printed.
scribles here and there but none of it makes sense. i sometimes go to the works of Hunter S Thompson. the man was a genius in the way that his mind worked on a different frequency then others, he found a way to express his feelings and manage himself even though he was a mess.
when i think back on the things iv done and the memory's i have it all feels insufficient to just leave them in my mind and not have them written infront of me...
most people have never been able to accept the notion - often espoused by reformed drug abusers and especially popular among those on probation - that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter.
mot people cant accept the fact that drugs will take you too higher places for a short time but it takes a strong mind to realize when its been taken too far. most drugs counter act each other and that's when some people get trapped in a vicious cycle. its all about self control and strong will. that's the reason iv done drugs since i was 14 and iv never been to rehab you just cant loose yourself in the drug. some people become drugs and lose themselves and later must go to rehab. in order to overcome this you must be stronger then the drugs themselves. i sometimes think i am a rare specimen not meant for mass production. some people may think i am crazy but i personally think i am more sane then them. maybe im wrong, maybe im right, but at least i know myself more then most people. i know that i have always enjoyed drugs because i want something, anything to bring me beyond reality!
have not wrote in awhile, this entry is not exactly a story or something that has happened to me, or even a quote. thi is something that is coming straight from my heart. iv done alot of drugs in my time and im at the point in my life where metaphorically i can say 'the party is over' in a sense that it is time to change. im almost 20 years old and i have nothing to show for it exept a history of substance abuse and alot of blurred memorys. i wanted to write a book about the things iv seen and done but the only problem is i cant remember more then half of the shit iv done and that is because for the last 2 or more years everywhere i go, every second chance i get and every opertunity that has been given to me i have thrown away because all that i can think about is the next high. it doesnt madder to me what drug it is or where i am or who i have to screw over ( including myself) to get there. its sad really that someone with a mind such as my own that used to be so full of potential and so self motivated has been taken over by substances and trying to change my perspective on reality. last weekend i realized after spending almost 800 dollars on drugs that i didnt really have because i needed it for rent (which now once again im fucking over mysself because i am gunna lose my home again sooner or later) that drugs do not buy happieness. you can not buy a baggy full of happyness it just doesnt work that way. the reason i was so happy in my old house was not because of the drugs it wa because i was finnally independent. i had my own house, i had freedom, and friends to share it with. but i fucked it all up because i wanted to get high every night, or drunk. i was wrong drugs didnt bring happyness. ..
so i am sitting here ("high" on perks because my body is always in need of some kinda drug to keep a " normal" sleep scedual to go to my job in the morning, a job that i hate, a job that i wouldnt have because i would have a much better job if it where not for drugs) thinking about something that i told myself months ago back when i should have listened and thoughs words where " somethings got to change"... so very true.
i cant sit here writing down fake promises to myself and thinking everything will be better right away cause they wont.. its a long road ahead of me but all i can say is tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to better myself, and i will just keep reminding myself that somethings gotta change.. before its too late..
this is not the end of my journey its just the beginning.
drugs like these will make you broke, depressed and empotionallly vacant, so keep the needles out of your arms and keep them pill out your mouth, you never know when they will leave you stranded.
day 1 sobar was ok, i slept all day. i dont remember much other then cleaning my old room and moving my stuff out of it then going to sleep for a few hours, my arm is severly infected from a dirty needle and i have been in a huge amount of pain but due to the fact that im quitting pills for good i am just gunna have to deal with it.
day 2 was a bit more rough, the infection has shown no signs of getting better and i went into shock today from putting a needle in the infected area and trying to pump out some of the puss. only someone with a sick mind would do something like that, thats why its time to change. i felt extreamly ill today as well due to the fact that i am detoxing myself. threw all of this i have been acting natural around kaylighs family, they think nothing is going on.. kaylighs grandma said i look sick and i agree, i look like hell. i listened to a song called otherside by macklemore for my first time today, it made me cry.. one of the lines went kinda like "i never thought id be like this as a kid always imagining id making something of my life" or something like that. so i stole some liquor from the fridge. its the only bottle in the house that i know of but its better then nothing. i hope tomorrow is better
day 3 sobar- today was a good day, my friend alex dropped in to see me, he is doing a 18 year phd in edmonton and he was headed home to cochran for chrismas. it was great to see one of my old friends again, for once in weeks i felt normal. we chatted for hours and smoked weed outta this sweet bong that he has. i gotta say today was a good day.
i ended up stealing some tranquilizers from kaylighs mom to help me sleep. they knocked me on my ass. at least it was not oxy. that stuff is shit.
day 4 sobar- for the first time this year i was happy to see it snowing, its so beautiful, i am starting to feel better about myself, i feel as if all hope is not gone
my infection is also starting to go away, and for the first time since i started quiting oxy and hydro morphine i havnt thought about stealing some!! all is good, now its time to plan my moving outta this house, too many bad memory's here. i love kayleigh but i have to move or else i will probably relapse.
im sure when she moves to calgary we will live together again.
life goes on. Hope rises and dreams flicker and die. Love plans for tomorrow and loneliness thinks of yesterday. Life is beautiful and living is pain. with christmas on the horizon, i wonder how many minds act the same as mine. a mind full of thoughts that cant be expressed on paper. with no job and no place to call my own it is no wonder im alone. people all around some black and some white i feel blue. will the novel in my mind ever be printed.
scribles here and there but none of it makes sense. i sometimes go to the works of Hunter S Thompson. the man was a genius in the way that his mind worked on a different frequency then others, he found a way to express his feelings and manage himself even though he was a mess.
when i think back on the things iv done and the memory's i have it all feels insufficient to just leave them in my mind and not have them written infront of me...
most people have never been able to accept the notion - often espoused by reformed drug abusers and especially popular among those on probation - that you can get a lot higher without drugs than with them. And neither have I, for that matter.
mot people cant accept the fact that drugs will take you too higher places for a short time but it takes a strong mind to realize when its been taken too far. most drugs counter act each other and that's when some people get trapped in a vicious cycle. its all about self control and strong will. that's the reason iv done drugs since i was 14 and iv never been to rehab you just cant loose yourself in the drug. some people become drugs and lose themselves and later must go to rehab. in order to overcome this you must be stronger then the drugs themselves. i sometimes think i am a rare specimen not meant for mass production. some people may think i am crazy but i personally think i am more sane then them. maybe im wrong, maybe im right, but at least i know myself more then most people. i know that i have always enjoyed drugs because i want something, anything to bring me beyond reality!
have not wrote in awhile, this entry is not exactly a story or something that has happened to me, or even a quote. thi is something that is coming straight from my heart. iv done alot of drugs in my time and im at the point in my life where metaphorically i can say 'the party is over' in a sense that it is time to change. im almost 20 years old and i have nothing to show for it exept a history of substance abuse and alot of blurred memorys. i wanted to write a book about the things iv seen and done but the only problem is i cant remember more then half of the shit iv done and that is because for the last 2 or more years everywhere i go, every second chance i get and every opertunity that has been given to me i have thrown away because all that i can think about is the next high. it doesnt madder to me what drug it is or where i am or who i have to screw over ( including myself) to get there. its sad really that someone with a mind such as my own that used to be so full of potential and so self motivated has been taken over by substances and trying to change my perspective on reality. last weekend i realized after spending almost 800 dollars on drugs that i didnt really have because i needed it for rent (which now once again im fucking over mysself because i am gunna lose my home again sooner or later) that drugs do not buy happieness. you can not buy a baggy full of happyness it just doesnt work that way. the reason i was so happy in my old house was not because of the drugs it wa because i was finnally independent. i had my own house, i had freedom, and friends to share it with. but i fucked it all up because i wanted to get high every night, or drunk. i was wrong drugs didnt bring happyness. ..
so i am sitting here ("high" on perks because my body is always in need of some kinda drug to keep a " normal" sleep scedual to go to my job in the morning, a job that i hate, a job that i wouldnt have because i would have a much better job if it where not for drugs) thinking about something that i told myself months ago back when i should have listened and thoughs words where " somethings got to change"... so very true.
i cant sit here writing down fake promises to myself and thinking everything will be better right away cause they wont.. its a long road ahead of me but all i can say is tomorrow is a new day, a new chance to better myself, and i will just keep reminding myself that somethings gotta change.. before its too late..
this is not the end of my journey its just the beginning.
drugs like these will make you broke, depressed and empotionallly vacant, so keep the needles out of your arms and keep them pill out your mouth, you never know when they will leave you stranded.
day 1 sobar was ok, i slept all day. i dont remember much other then cleaning my old room and moving my stuff out of it then going to sleep for a few hours, my arm is severly infected from a dirty needle and i have been in a huge amount of pain but due to the fact that im quitting pills for good i am just gunna have to deal with it.
day 2 was a bit more rough, the infection has shown no signs of getting better and i went into shock today from putting a needle in the infected area and trying to pump out some of the puss. only someone with a sick mind would do something like that, thats why its time to change. i felt extreamly ill today as well due to the fact that i am detoxing myself. threw all of this i have been acting natural around kaylighs family, they think nothing is going on.. kaylighs grandma said i look sick and i agree, i look like hell. i listened to a song called otherside by macklemore for my first time today, it made me cry.. one of the lines went kinda like "i never thought id be like this as a kid always imagining id making something of my life" or something like that. so i stole some liquor from the fridge. its the only bottle in the house that i know of but its better then nothing. i hope tomorrow is better
day 3 sobar- today was a good day, my friend alex dropped in to see me, he is doing a 18 year phd in edmonton and he was headed home to cochran for chrismas. it was great to see one of my old friends again, for once in weeks i felt normal. we chatted for hours and smoked weed outta this sweet bong that he has. i gotta say today was a good day.
i ended up stealing some tranquilizers from kaylighs mom to help me sleep. they knocked me on my ass. at least it was not oxy. that stuff is shit.
day 4 sobar- for the first time this year i was happy to see it snowing, its so beautiful, i am starting to feel better about myself, i feel as if all hope is not gone
my infection is also starting to go away, and for the first time since i started quiting oxy and hydro morphine i havnt thought about stealing some!! all is good, now its time to plan my moving outta this house, too many bad memory's here. i love kayleigh but i have to move or else i will probably relapse.im sure when she moves to calgary we will live together again.
