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Multi-Love

Lost Ego

Lost Ego

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Jun 11, 2009
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In a monogamist culture are our puny brains capable of loving more than one person at a time (romantically)?

How about in a polygamist culture? Do they actually romantically love each wife? Or do they just like have romantic attraction for one and the rest are sex objects?

The same question applies to strong attraction. Can I be extremely "into" one girl and still date and find another one and develop the same feelings? Part of me feels like our brain chemistry is set up so we can only love one person at a time... The other part of me feels like - Why the hell not?
 
I suppose that depends largely on the abilities of the parties in question to properly trust one another to love without jealousy in as equitable a union as they can manage.

How many wives/husbands are we talking here? I'd imagine after four the dynamic starts to become unpredictable but that's just a guess. I don't know many polygamists, though I've known people in open marriages/relationships that seemed to do all right.
 
I don't believe there's one right answer when it comes to this. I think it varies from person to person. I will say it's rare for people to truly be able to handle polygamy. To those who are able to have these types of relationships, more power to you! I think it's proof of incredible maturity and lack of ego.
 
yeah, I think it varies from person-to-person, however I know that I could only really love one person (and I would only want to love one person)

it's just a personal belief of mine, I only want there to be one "special someone," not "special someones"
 
Thou said:
How many wives/husbands are we talking here?
Click to expand...

I was just thinking two.

And fyi the question wasn't asked because of my interest in marrying more than one person. I have a SO who I have an open relationship with. She had a bf when i met her and is not willing to leave him for me because she loves him. I'm more or less conflicted. I have no problem with being her 2nd lover however i've been dating around and my feelings for her are impeding my ability to develop a romantic attraction to anybody else thus far. I think I can do it but it'd be hard. The other thing i'm questioning is should I allow those feelings to develop? If she loves him will she be able to fall for me in time?-> There are few things worse than unrequitted love. If she allows her self I think it's possible but then again many people would argue that we're biologically hard wired to be monogamous.

TLDR; Question i'm looking to be answered: If you already love one person, is it possible to develop strong romantic feelings for another without losing that love for the first?
 
Yes I agree I think you can love more than one person at the same, it's just that the other persons want to be loved exclusively.
I've been in love triangles and I've had lovers in addition to my main partner. If you ask me it always ends in tears.
 
axl blaze said:
yeah, I think it varies from person-to-person, however I know that I could only really love one person (and I would only want to love one person)

it's just a personal belief of mine, I only want there to be one "special someone," not "special someones"
Click to expand...

you'll always love one person more than the other because the way you feel about people you love in relationships feels different everytime and varies in intensity. its never quite the same twice.

i'm not possessive but if you love me you shouldn't need 5 more suitors on the go. it dilutes the feelings. i just dont want to share everyones std's to be honest. lots of polygamy in mormons etc is one man lots of women, thats more to do with a rich man and a harem. essentially a breeding style for primates including baboons specifically so in that sense it probably feels natural whereas a commune of ten men and women all interchanging would be way more unmanageable
 
I'm not too worried about loving one more than the other, nor am I worried about the other wanting an exclusive relationship. I find comfort in the fact that I could find love elsewhere while maintaining strong romantic feelings for my current SO - because, well, while I am enamored with my current SO she doesn't want anything exclusive and that is what I'm looking for in the long run. I absolutely need to find someone else because while she was perfect for me, it hurts me a little bit knowing she loves another and I can't allow her to be the most important thing in my life if I am not gonna be hers. It also comforts me to know that she could possibly develop lovely feelings for me as well and my love for her may not go unreturned. I want to let myself fall in love but not if it she is incapable of doing the same. Yes it varies from person to person, I can only hope that in this case it can work.
 
I know I could never handle polygamy. When I am with a girl I love, I see all other women totally differently than when I am single. I don't think I could ever truly love more than one woman at a time, nor would I want to sleep with other women if I was with a woman I loved at the time. Just doesn't appeal to me. Sharing a woman i love with anyone else appeals to me even less... I could never do that and be ok with it.
 
^That's in part why I made this thread. Because of my feelings for her it's hard to see other women in the same light
 
^That's in part why I made this thread. Because of my feelings for her it's hard to see other women in the same light. Sharing her doesn't appeal to me much either but you have to understand it's infinitely better than not having her at all.
 
Lost Ego said:
In a monogamist culture are our puny brains capable of loving more than one person at a time (romantically)?

How about in a polygamist culture? Do they actually romantically love each wife? Or do they just like have romantic attraction for one and the rest are sex objects?

The same question applies to strong attraction. Can I be extremely "into" one girl and still date and find another one and develop the same feelings? Part of me feels like our brain chemistry is set up so we can only love one person at a time... The other part of me feels like - Why the hell not?
Click to expand...

Yes, Polyamory is a thing. And it's not limited to polygamist culture (polygamy is the term for a multi-marriage whereas polyamory is the term for multi-love).

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved
Click to expand...

220px-Polyamory.svg.png
 
^

this

Is it possible? Sure. But monogamy is an ideal with a practical application; It defines a value that, on the surface, creates less interpersonal friction between members of a larger tribe that rely on each other to prosper and survive.

Moving beyond pairing for procreation, I think monogamy is about clearly defining roles and a norm that had and still has a positive social value.
 
Black rabbit: TY, Substitute polyamory for polygamy everywhere i mentioned it then :P

Noodle: While I'd love to agree with you, I can't help but be the catalyst in this thread and take the opposing position:

Simply put it's all situational. If I want to have anything with my SO(let's call her M) and not get hurt then I have to find another to split my love between. Since M already has someone my feelings are generally much stronger than hers. I have found a 2nd lover(let's call her J) recently and she is at the very least adorable. And my plan is working, my adoration/lust for J is taking some of the weight off my relationship with M.

In my case my theory is somewhat correct. Gaining sexual/romantic feelings for J is in part subtracting some of my emotions that I have for M. Perhaps this is because I can't spend time and build rapport with both at the same time? It's not that my feelings for M are fading but it's more like they are getting to be less severe in [idk um] 'desperation' or 'forcefulness', M is feeling like less of a crutch for me now, I suppose. J is acting as sort of an outlet for me. The built up sexual and romantic frustration I have for M I'm being able to take out on J and it's helping a ton. J knows there is someone else, she is okay with it. I shouldn't need to tell her the specifics should I? While J is absolutely beautiful, fun and sweet I don't want to lose feelings for M, she has something that idk if J could ever come to possess. Let's just hope and pray I can maintain this love triangle :P
 
I honestly think that one can think one's way into it.

Like my ex, "the one that got away"...Like if she and I got back together tomorrow, no way in hell could I do this with her. But if I met a new girl and from the very first moment we committed to this, I'd be willing to give it a try. I've had sex with people in (their own) open-relationships before, and I'm familiar with the dynamics. And I fully admit that I've been brainwashed by my culture to feel jealousy and whatnot, but it's a type of suffering that I can do away with if I really make an effort to.

I think that there are different levels of intimacy with a person. There's run-of-the-mill sex to get off and relax. And then there is spiritual unity (spiritual sex) that only happens with two extremely compatible and similar people who put the effort in. And I think that if you establish a connection with a partner of this type - where your sex goes so far beyond the physical act - then you can sort of "dominate" the other males in terms of how well you can please your woman, and regular sex to your special sex will be like a hug is to your regular sex. You stop feeling jealous because what you have is just so unique between the two of you that neither will want to leave the other for something less.
 
pofacedhoe said:
you'll always love one person more than the other because the way you feel about people you love in relationships feels different everytime and varies in intensity. its never quite the same twice.

i'm not possessive but if you love me you shouldn't need 5 more suitors on the go. it dilutes the feelings. i just dont want to share everyones std's to be honest. lots of polygamy in mormons etc is one man lots of women, thats more to do with a rich man and a harem. essentially a breeding style for primates including baboons specifically so in that sense it probably feels natural whereas a commune of ten men and women all interchanging would be way more unmanageable
Click to expand...

This. If you want to be selfish, go right ahead, but don't be upset or angry when the person you "love" doesn't settle for #2, or #3 or whatever place you want to put the person. Some people are fine with sharing. I am not. I find most people who think of themselves as openminded are not really openminded when other people don't think the same way.
 
Lost Ego said:
I'm not too worried about loving one more than the other, nor am I worried about the other wanting an exclusive relationship. I find comfort in the fact that I could find love elsewhere while maintaining strong romantic feelings for my current SO - because, well, while I am enamored with my current SO she doesn't want anything exclusive and that is what I'm looking for in the long run. I absolutely need to find someone else because while she was perfect for me, it hurts me a little bit knowing she loves another and I can't allow her to be the most important thing in my life if I am not gonna be hers. It also comforts me to know that she could possibly develop lovely feelings for me as well and my love for her may not go unreturned. I want to let myself fall in love but not if it she is incapable of doing the same. Yes it varies from person to person, I can only hope that in this case it can work.
Click to expand...

How does her other boyfriend feel about all of this?
 
RedLeader said:
I honestly think that one can think one's way into it.

Like my ex, "the one that got away"...Like if she and I got back together tomorrow, no way in hell could I do this with her. But if I met a new girl and from the very first moment we committed to this, I'd be willing to give it a try. I've had sex with people in (their own) open-relationships before, and I'm familiar with the dynamics. And I fully admit that I've been brainwashed by my culture to feel jealousy and whatnot, but it's a type of suffering that I can do away with if I really make an effort to.

I think that there are different levels of intimacy with a person. There's run-of-the-mill sex to get off and relax. And then there is spiritual unity (spiritual sex) that only happens with two extremely compatible and similar people who put the effort in. And I think that if you establish a connection with a partner of this type - where your sex goes so far beyond the physical act - then you can sort of "dominate" the other males in terms of how well you can please your woman, and regular sex to your special sex will be like a hug is to your regular sex. You stop feeling jealous because what you have is just so unique between the two of you that neither will want to leave the other for something less.
Click to expand...

Jealousy is not something you are conditioned by society to feel but a very natural, instinctual emotion that humans have.
 
missmeyet? said:
Jealousy is not something you are conditioned by society to feel but a very natural, instinctual emotion that humans have.
Click to expand...

A good portion of jealousy is a fear of not being good enough and that someone else better is going to steal your partner away from you. We live in a society that profits off of our various fears and insecurities. If fear didn't permeate every aspect of our lives to the degree that it does and we all felt a little better about ourselves, a good amount of the jealousy could be channelled into love.

Perhaps a bit of it is instinctual. But does something being instinctual automatically mean that it cannot be overcome through discipline?
 
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