Moving towards an open marriage?

[psychoblast]

My wife and I have been together, on and off, for about 8 years, the last 5 have all been "on." We met when we were both with other people, but were kind of swinging with one another, so we were hooking up, and that led us to start a real relationship. So we have a sexually adventurous past.

For the last 8 years, that has been on lock-down because my wife had trust issues, in part due to how we started our relationship. I figured with time and love, she'd gain that trust and we'd get back to a more sexually adventurous place. Well, it seems that has finally happened.

Now, she is talking about her lesbian fantasies and thoughts of taking a female lover. In fact, I'm having a suspicion she may be more lesbian than straight, though I'm not scared about that (I have had a lesbian lover before, I seem to be the kind of guy that lesbian women want to make an exception for). In fact, I kind of like the notion if we go to an open marriage, that I won't have to share her with a guy. My ego, or maybe some evolutionary animalistic stallion-sense, likes that.

We are still working at improving our own sex life with one another, doing tantra and the like, but the possibility of bringing in another lover, or more, could add some further sparks.

This is all pretty new to us. Despite having done some ecstasy-driven swinging a decade or so ago, it's not really the same as an open marriage, and I definitely think we are both interested taking things slower and more carefully, less recklessly, than we did in the past, and any new lover would have to share some of our core spiritual values, social consciousness, etc.

I myself have a fond memory for drug-fueled orgies, though nowadays my drugs of choice involve psychedelics rather than speedy stuff, so it would be nice if we can find a lover, or lovers, open-minded and willing to experiment with that, too.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has thoughts on this, or has a relationship like this, and might have advice for open marriage noobs. Like what is a good way to meet people. When I see videos of those new age sex workshops, like on the Real Sex HBO series, the people at them seem older, unattractive and kind of off-putting, so that doesn't hold a lot of appeal for us. We've been to Pimp-n-Ho type parties in the past, which had a lot of hook up potential, but then you do not really know if you are hooking up with a Republican Satan-worshipper or what. Something in between those two things (New Age Tantric Pimp & Ho Party) might fit the bill, though I'm not sure what that would look like. Or maybe just a post on Craigslist?

~psychoblast~

 

[Pander Bear]

maybe fetlife?

IDk man, I guess you need to ask yourself what this woman is going to be to you and your wife— a lover for her, a lover for both of you, a sex toy, a committed partner in a poly amorous relationship.

I don't know if you can go cruise craigslist for anything other than cheap thrills, but maybe that's all yall want. I think I'd just let her meet people, and have her ask the third party if they were game for fooling around with her/you/you two.

 

[lola]

I'm in a loving committed open relationship, will be 2 years in June. This is my second open relationship - in between I also had monogamous ones, mainly because the men preferred it but tbh it doesn't work for me. I don't ever cheat but I become resentful and feel trapped. I'm an independent, sexually adventurous woman and need my freedom to feel happy and fulfilled.

A few pointers (and sorry for answering all your questions with lists, lol, I'm not usually a list person!)
1. Read 'The Ethical Slut'
2. Start reading Dan Savage's column/listening to his podcast. He deals with lots of open relationship dilemmas and is generally an interesting, enlightening and fun read especially where sexuality isn't run of the mill.
3. Talk, talk and talk some more. What are your fears? Hers? What are your insecurities? Are there things/acts you don't want each other doing with a lover?
4. Take things s-l-o-w-l-y. My open relationships started open but you're opening up a closed one with someone who has trust issues. I strongly suggest you let her take a lover first before you do, so she's had a chance to see that wanting someone else doesn't mean wanting you any less.
5. Go together to bars and check out men and women; get used to telling each other about other people you find hot, then have sex while sharing fantasies about them. It'll bring you closer while getting you used to bring other people to the bedroom gradually.
6. Threesomes- if she's willing- can be a very bonding experience.
7. SAFE SEX with all secondary partners!!
8. Set boundaries before anything happen, and discuss boundaries and expectations before any threesomes.
9. Remember that you're likely to start off with more restrictive boundaries which might become more relaxed as trust grows, or if you set boundaries then find out there are some things you didn't expect that make you uncomfortable. Constantly negotiate boundaries and be honest about your feelings. Monogamous relationships have a clear pre-made set of rules about sexual or romantic involvement with others (it's forbidden) but you will have to make your own rules as you go along. Every open relationship is different and you can only find out what works for you through trial and error. Keep trying, be forgiving with each other, keep an open mind and be generous without being tempted to agree on things you can't cope with emotionally to make your partner happy. More than anything, you need to know yourself and be honest about your limitations. I know for example that I couldn't deal with my bf having other relationships - only casual sex/fuck buddies, whereas he'd be up for experimenting with a more polyamorous arrangement. So we stick to casual sex with others until a day when I might feel secure enough to explore polyamory. And if that day never comes that's ok too, because both partners have to feel comfortable.
10. Give each other plenty of reassurance, and learn to ask for reassurance when needed
11. Both of you have a right to veto or close the relationship at any time if difficulties arise.
12. Think about your moral codes: for example, would either of you be happy to take on a lover who was cheating on their primary partner? I know I wouldn't, and would lose some respect for my bf if he did.
13. Remember, it's hard work but worth it!

Feel free to PM me if you like...

As for finding others - Craigslist worked for me both with finding longer-term lovers and one-offs for 3somes, some traditional dating websites work too, fetish clubs/parties can be a good place to meet people who lead alternative lifestyles. I know OK Cupid has some good people on it; there are special swingers/poly sites too, and Fetlife provided me with a lover or two. But again, I'd be tempted to go quite slowly before doing much. You'd be surprised how when you look for lovers and start telling people you're opening up your marriage they just seem to appear out of nowhere...

Good luck! xx