Moving away from a place of traumatic events?

[malakaix]

I had no idea how to write the title for this, so there you go.

About two years ago i traveled abroad and ended up living abroad for the one of those two years, i recently moved back home about six months ago. And since that time i've been attempting to reconcile the line between 'running away' and 'moving on'. You see i grew up in this city i'm currently living in, i went through a dark period during my late teen's and early twenties and as such many streets, places and people remind me of a past i have tried to move on from. While i was abroad i was more driven and ambitious then i've ever been before, i was able to meet other driven people who were passionate about life and because i had no pre-existing memory of the place i was in i didn't feel held back by my past. I'm not suggesting i can't do that here.. but i think it's much harder.

As i write this i realize how this sounds like a classic case of 'running away' from your yourself (past) and it will eventually catch up to you. But then i wonder where do you actually draw the line between attempting to move on in a new direction and running away?

I think it's hard to move on, when your confronted with your past self on a daily basis.. you become stuck within a certain stage of your development. Especially if you experienced traumatic events in certain places with people, drugs, sex etc..

Any thoughts on this? Has anyone moved away from the city they grew up in for reasons above?

 

[Erikmen]

What if it does? You are different now and have to deal with the current actual situation.
You have moved back to the city you've grown up. So what now?

What are your plans? Have you contacted anybody already. Are you looking for work?
What are you running away from?

I guess you must define what you're looking for. Do you need to go back to work or study?
You should maybe try to overcome your fears in order to to start living accordingly.
It's tough, but you have to confront this. Do you need help?

Is there a place you could look for help? or people that can help you? Pare you using any medication or substances?

How can we help you?

 

[Mysterie]

if you feel the pull to move away from your hometown, its probably worth trying it for a while and see if it feels right.

i find it difficult to be able to think through things that i am weighing pros and cons of, until i have put myself out there to experience one side of it.

cons might be parents missing you, losing contacts with friends etc but if the benefits outweigh those losses, it might be the right decision for you.

someone i cared about moved interstate for similar reasons. they seem like they are probably in less stress in their new environment, but i do also think that their neurosis is still with them. you seem to have done some personal growth already though anyway..

 

[malakaix]

What if it does? You are different now and have to deal with current actual situation. You have moved back to the city you've grown up. So what now? What are your plans? Have you contacted an employer already. Are you looking for work? What are you running away from.

That's my point though, could it be a case of running towards something? Im working full-time and saving money.. i have plans to travel further but ideally i would like to get involved with the hospitality/tourism industry abroad, and look into investing my money into a business.

I guess you must define what you're looking for. Do you need to go back to study? You should maybe try to overcome your fears in order to to start living accordingly.

I have a vague definition of what im looking for, not concrete. If i did go back to study i would do it in another city for aforementioned reasons above.

I don't understand your situation clearly, and it seems that you are a bit out. Have you been talking anything?

Hah, this is my natural state.. i have for the most part quit all drugs except for alcohol.

I know i've used myself and my situation as an example to ask this question, but i mean it in the most general sense. It's never clicked with me well the emphasis people place on the idea of 'running away' been problematic when it may be an attempt to move on in a new direction?

I could be wrong here, i find the question interesting which is why i'm wondering where the line is drawn.

someone i cared about moved interstate for similar reasons. they seem like they are probably in less stress in their new environment, but i do also think that their neurosis is still with them. you seem to have done some personal growth already though anyway..

One of my closest friends moved out into the country, lives with his girlfriend.. has virtually no contact with anyone except her and his work colleagues. I've never seen him happier.. which is strange to me, because im a very social person and couldn't fathom the idea of doing that.. but its worked for him and he put a lot of his past from the city behind him.

 

[thujone]

That's my point though, could it be a case of running towards something? Im working full-time and saving money.. i have plans to travel further but ideally i would like to get involved with the hospitality/tourism industry abroad, and look into investing my money into a business.

i remember you've mentioned this before so i have no doubt that you're heading towards something. and so what if you're running away from the past in the same motion? there's nothing negative about leaving an undesirable situation, and i'd wager anyone who tried convincing you otherwise has their own burdens and responsibilities that they're too chickenshit to walk away from for a shot at a better life. fuck it, you only get one.

 

[Opalescence]

I'm going to be moving away from this hell of a place. I love my home but the town, roads, and people are things I hate. Social interaction has always been intense and horrible for me and now having this traumatic event sitting right down the road and having embarrassed myself by exposing people to the raw experience... I just want to leave and start new. I've never seen it as running away. I see it as freedom a fresh breath of air in a stinky humid room. I feel rich that i've been given a mom who wants to leave this state and even more lucky that she actually feels she needs me with her when we go on our trip around the US. We got this oldie RV and are heading south January when the winter hits Minnesota hardcore. If we find somewhere we like, we are both gonna settle there.

Possibly the reason I don't see it as running away is because I have no ties with anyone here anymore but, it might not be the same for you is it? Running away seems fear based and fear is in the moment fight, flight, or freeze. Flight is running away. Running away with no idea where you are going. It's just knowing that where you are at is too much, just way too much, I cant handle it anymore, i'm gone.
It sounds to me that it is a resolution that you are done here and that there is nothing left here to do you any good.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Might be good, baggage will still be there tho.

 

[malakaix]

It's interesting to come back to this thread after some time and still.. feel exactly the same.

I've recently been coming to terms with the fact that it's unlikely i will live a 'conventional' lifestyle which is having a very strong influencing effect on my long-term goals. At an age where many of my peers are getting married, settling down and choosing to build a life; i am finding myself on the opposite side of the pond. There's a restless sense of ambition within me that refuse's to relax or settle, there is a world out there teeming with life and new experiences that i just can't pass up if it's within my power to pursue it.

I've been working towards this for the last 10 months straight and my feelings are unchanged, so im convinced this is an innate desire rather then an impulsive decision.

 

[sigmond]

I wouldn't consider this running away. Moving on, or exploration seems more suitable. I am not sure if this is happening with you but don't let others burden you as a result of their own self interest. I say this because I have encountered many emotional blackmailers.

Anyway, you seem like a good person malakai, hope things work out.

 

[thujone]

i have a theory that big countries like Canada, Australia, et al. are naturally toxic environments to free spirits. The vast geographical distances make each city feel more like a self-contained nation-state rather than part of the greater human civilization. We grow myopic. Ignorance and complacency grow wild without counter and spread from generation to generation. It's horrid to see us at the point where it's considered conventional to borrow ten years of salary from a bank for some particle-board house in some featureless exurb and call being chained to a desk 40-60 hours a week: living.

I've been working towards this for the last 10 months straight and my feelings are unchanged, so im convinced this is an innate desire rather then an impulsive decision.

heh, ten months is nothing. what have you learned about living globally so far? do you know what your tax obligations will look like, or how long you can stay in one spot without being considered a resident? no matter where you go, you will owe taxes and need bank accounts so you can save for the future. how will you get health insurance, and what will it cover? can you ride a motorbike? some countries you will definitely want or need one to get around properly. how many languages can you speak?

living the unconventional life is tough, and sometimes it's unsustainable. being a travelling man is exhausting and you may need to give thought about having a permanent base somewhere you can always call home. right now i'm stuck in my home country for the past few years and probably still will be until 2017. the restlessness sucks. being patient is hard. it's also hard to keep eschewing the "conventional" life when it's such an easy life. at home, i don't really have to hustle to survive. out there in the world, every day is a hustle and it's tiring business.

make the best of the time you have now. learn new languages, learn new skills. when you go global, your safety net disappears. your mentality decides how you can make it work for you. some stay in one spot for a few years for the stability, some need to keep moving every six months (after which point most countries will consider you a tax resident).

there's a lot to it, and a lot to do to prepare, and a lot to do to sustain such a life. ten months of thinking about it is nothing. start actively learning and doing things to prepare, the rest of your life is decided by what you do today.

 

[JessFR]

I did something like this.

I had a lot of bad experiences in my old home city, I lived there for my teenage years and have many painful memories from there, shame because it's a great city. Anyhow, just after I turned 22 I tried to kill myself and was sent to a mental hospital, while I was there I decided I did not want to ever live near my family again, so I took out the map, went through a few cities where I knew people, picked the one where I knew the most. And 2 days after the hospital let me go, I packed a back and left. Simple as that.

That was nearly 5 years ago and I never plan to live there again. Overall it was the best decision I had ever made, even despite having nowhere to live for a while. I found somewhere to live and after that things got a lot better. Make no mistake, I think some of the worst mistakes we make are playing it safe and sticking with the familiar.

The trick is knowing when you're being stupid brave and when you're being stupid stupid, you probably can't.

You can't run away from your personal demons, I've tried, but you can and perhaps should run away from external sources of pain.

 

[malakaix]

heh, ten months is nothing. what have you learned about living globally so far? do you know what your tax obligations will look like, or how long you can stay in one spot without being considered a resident? no matter where you go, you will owe taxes and need bank accounts so you can save for the future. how will you get health insurance, and what will it cover? can you ride a motorbike? some countries you will definitely want or need one to get around properly. how many languages can you speak?

there's a lot to it, and a lot to do to prepare, and a lot to do to sustain such a life. ten months of thinking about it is nothing. start actively learning and doing things to prepare, the rest of your life is decided by what you do today.

Thanks, I appreciate the hard questions, it's a good reality check. I do wish to clarify a couple of things though..

Yes, ten months is nothing but i wasn't implying that the end of the road was near.. i've estimated that it will probably take me close to five years of preparation where i will re-evaluate my situation at 2.5 years. In the ten months i've been working towards this i've banked over $30k - I have a financial figure i wish to reach before following through, in the mean-time in between work i've been teaching myself about ETF funds, investing and business. Ideally i would like to set myself up to be in a very flexible financial position where the returns on my investments will be-able to cover my cost of living in cheaper countries while i establish myself.

There's a lot more i need to research of course.. tax obligations, residency documentation and then of course if i follow through on my plan to invest into a hospitality business - everything related to that. I'm not denying there's a lot to consider here, but i feel it will come in due course.. i have a couple of expat friends living abroad who can help me with the whole process also. Plus there's also pending political and economical situations that may make it more difficult that im also taking into account.. but all i can really do is watch and observe. (UK referendum on EU membership in 2017 and the recent uncertainty of the eurozone)

I first visited Europe in 2010 for 6 weeks, i went back in 2012 for 8 months and again in 2013 for 15 months. I can't explain what it is that draws me to the continent, perhaps it's the rich history and cultural substance but i have never clicked and connected with cultures or people as much as i have there, so much so that it feels more like home then here. And i'll do everything i can to get back home.

 

[thujone]

nice, you're a lot further along than i was ten months into my own plans. 30K is a good stash of cash to start investing with, but the returns on ETFs aren't spectacular. all i can say is use your tax shelters while you can because you might not be able to use them anymore if you're domiciled elsewhere.

 

[littlenell]

The new is always greater than the old. Whenever I act from my heart good things come of it. People make a place in my opinion

 

[kvsouth69]

Yes, I actually have moved out of state and about to move out of the country. I'll explain more later...guest just came by.

Ok, so briefly speaking, 2 decades ago was in an abusive relationship and abusing drugs to deal with it. I'd have enough. I was working in surgery and found the keys to the anesthesia cabinet right under. Loaded my scrubs. Got home and put an IV in. All I remember is wanting to feel numb and no more pain, but I ended up dead and they revived me (by chance I was found). Anyway, I was looking at felonies and the shame of a 'suicide attempt' not to mention the abusive partner and the company I kept. So I started a new life in another state with my parents.

Now, things aren't going so well here for several reasons, and one being we both were laid off. Plus some misdemeanor legal issues. We are in the process of selling everything and our home to live in NC for a bit to help with my mother in law who has pancreatic cancer, and my parents, who now live in another country, said to start with a fresh slate teaching English there (which is very prestigiuos) while my husband can get a job in technology there. Not only will that be an adventure, talking about a new slate!!

But I have never regretted "running away". In the first case, and in this case, it's really saving my life and I learn so much about a purposeful life and the meaning of family and who true friends are. Don't feel like you're running. There's a reason in everything, and sometimes things happen in order to place you in another place that you are supposed to be in. Instead look at it as a new opportunity to get on the right track by leaving a place that was keeping you on the wrong track. I say good luck to you and I understand how you feel because I went through it too!

 

[kvsouth69]

Oh and yes, seeing the old faces that I grew up with always seems to make me freeze a moment bc their last memory of me had to have been when I was at my lowest....but they have no idea how much I've grown and how far I've come. That's how I don't even allow their judgments to bother me. I know who I am and who I've become. I have become non-judgemental of others in addition, and have no use for those that have yet to grow wise in that dept. So, it's easier for me now, as it will be for you, to find the true friends and right company to start this new life of yours. Remember, you aren't who you were before. Don't ever let people drag you into your past that you learned and moved on from.

 

[malakaix]

Thanks for sharing your story, it's very refreshing to hear other's who have or are in the process of pursuing a dramatic change in their lives. It takes a lot to uproot from the familiar and move out into the unknown, i know many friends or otherwise who simply endure a bad situation because there not sure how to change or are subconsciously unwilling, despite expressing their desire too.

Don't ever let people drag you into your past that you learned and moved on from.

Couldn't agree more.

I experienced this exact situation two weeks ago when i met up with some old friends for a birthday; i felt like an observer to a previous life of mine. It was for all intents and purpose's the final nail in the coffin i suppose, it was a lifestyle promoted by those in attendance that i no longer felt apart of. I went because i hadn't seen some people in a long time, but i realized i am so far removed from them these days that i have nothing in common; our ambitions and goals in life are now at complete odds.

This only makes me more certain of the path i'm pursuing now to move on, there's a sense of completion with that part of my life, it has for the most part served its purpose.

 

[kvsouth69]

This tells me you have grown so far beyond their comprehension it wouldn't even be worth pursuing. You have wisdom from your experiences....they haven't experienced enough life to gain the wisdom you have. Unless they really want to learn what you know, "don't throw your pearls to swine." You sound like you are going to be just fine and will have a great future ahead of you. Kudos to you and your strength!