monkeytouch
Bluelighter
Dont fuck with MGS-1 mod exp and 1 noob
I done mgs about 10 times, usually with either beautiful or "nothin much happened" trips. These seeds are organic, same batch I did before and nothin like this every happened to me before. the only combo was alittle weed. me, a took a "low"dose 150-200 seeds, her, I gave twice that and I got the worst of it.
see below.
"Trippin with ___, Worth the toll?"
Sounds like a good story like Sundays with Morrie, or travels with Charlie or some shit like that.
No its not a cute story but I learned alot and I hope L trys to remember and learn so it isnt wasted.
I learned I cant keep those plants and drugs around anymore because even if I'm not using them they scream with loud lips from the rim of there pandora boxes and bring people to me who say, "Please, please, I'm desperate, I'm desperate, I need to shock myself, break myself open, I've tried everything."
I try to talk her out of it tell her there are no leprachans, no genies in bodies, no quick fixes and she has to be ready to think she dead because it'll tear you apart.
She wants it, persistant offers to pay me money. I cant decide if I should of refused, I'll find out when I talk to her and find out if she remembers anything.
I'll tell you now that "Urban shamanism" is utter bullshit taking these medicine trips in absense of culture in absense of any kind of social structure or family to take care of me the next day when all of my life force has gone into her and I am prostate and dying and humilated and alone is wrong.
If I were some kind of "shaman" and I am not I would have family or apprentices or healing friends to wash me and feed me and put the life force back into me. I had no one.
For the most part she was determined to have a very physical trip to work on her body from the inside and "condense 15 body work sessions" into one. I dont feel sorry for her illness or her physical trip anymore she admitted that she chose, she has chosen to be sick for all these years because it is a process that she WANTs to work out. Some naturopath told her to commit herself to it, she took his work as gospel and has thrown her life into being sick for the past 6 years.
I learned alot about the power trip of healers and teachers and the amount of responsibility attached to that and wonder if there is someway I can do what I do without taking all of that responsibility.
(Like when ------ fucks up a dance exercize and people are scared and hurt but because he is a teacher decide there is something they should learn from being scared and hurt, thats funky, how can I avoid that?)
L left her soul and anypart of her that is connected to a power outside of her own body in Africa 6 years ago and is only bideing her time waiting to go back.
I asked her why she doesnt take pride in her work on her body and she said its because of her parents. at age 36, she wants there understanding and some people, because of who they are never get that. I said I dont feel sorry for her and I dont, I have no sympathy, but I understand her process as a self contained unit, something that cannot be judged.
I learned alot about what I am prepared to do as a healer because I have been thinking about going back to that and I found something so simple as the fact that she wanted to work things out by vomiting, difficult to ground, I realized that for birthing or dying, I was never healing alone, I was always with other people, and this time I just lay outside the door and sent alot alot of energy into letting the violence of this process give her what she wanted.
She swore for a long time everything was physical and she was seeing nothing visual and I was on alot lower dose and seeing alot of shit and watching myself pull chi straight from a grid in the air and then I caught her playing elaborate shadow puppet theatre on the wall with her hands and I just laughed at her and said, "oh c'mon, you are so tripping" and after that we didnt say much to each other except to sigh and say , "whoa...." once in awhile not really caring what was amazing the other because it didnt matter what it was about.
I just felt like my whole body was being pushed apart by this plant, I could see and feel the leaves pushing into my cells and trying to grow straight out my eyes and say, "whoa"
Once, I spent along time rolling my head on my neck and thinking about how the position of your head on your body changes everything, this, L could dig too.
I understood how stones are cool, just because they all grew out of the earth and all look so different, so varied. I felt myself being dropped back into my own choices about disability and body alignment, how there have been alternatives offered to me in one way or other but I chose to stay twisted because they is something I want to do with it.
She started talking about puking again, and I felt so RESISTANT, like it was a bad idea, a choice of excess, something that I couldnt ground again, this simple body process, because I was at this really fragile place in my trip, I was afraid she would make me sick, and I felt like I couldnt because I was DRIVING.
So waiting for her second purge was like waiting for a baby to be born I started to resent her the way that I would resent some big ugly sighing lump of mud and she knew it.
So she said I could go to bed. I went to bed but hallcinated my neighbors vomiting in other apartments and finally made some peace with all this people, all these lumps of mud that I am connected too and all there annoying plumbing.
I think she went home when my roommate came home. I lay there tripping harder and harder (on a dose that I had judged to be small, like1/3 of L's dose) and remember nothing of the peak except that I couldnt move and I was losing control of bodily functions and then I really slept. I woke up the next morning still mildly hallucinating and forced myself to remember, like trying to remember an important dream.
And then I begin to try to deal with cleaning myself up but became violently dizzy at the smallest movement. I dragged myself into the shower with all my soiled clothes on, ran the water over myself and thought, "maybe this is how I'll die, how ugly"
It took me three hours and an entire bar of soap and many tubs of water to get clean and then I lay in bed the rest of the day unable to move and I just thought about how wrong this was.
Doing the same substance time and again, nothing like this had ever happened, the only difference was that I did it for, with, and because of healing L wanted, instead of doing it for myself, and it took way to much out of me. I couldnt imagine being in a context where I could or should do this again.
I hate party culture, the lightness, the cavalier way that people talk about this plants, the lack of context and support, I hate all that. I hate telling someone, "this could rip you apart, you could die or at least think you did." and have them say oh kewl man! lets do it!" fuck all that.
You live like that and think like that and the plants take there toll and you end up alone with the consequences.
If she forgot what she learned I'll know I should have refused.
-------
I done mgs about 10 times, usually with either beautiful or "nothin much happened" trips. These seeds are organic, same batch I did before and nothin like this every happened to me before. the only combo was alittle weed. me, a took a "low"dose 150-200 seeds, her, I gave twice that and I got the worst of it.
see below.
"Trippin with ___, Worth the toll?"
Sounds like a good story like Sundays with Morrie, or travels with Charlie or some shit like that.
No its not a cute story but I learned alot and I hope L trys to remember and learn so it isnt wasted.
I learned I cant keep those plants and drugs around anymore because even if I'm not using them they scream with loud lips from the rim of there pandora boxes and bring people to me who say, "Please, please, I'm desperate, I'm desperate, I need to shock myself, break myself open, I've tried everything."
I try to talk her out of it tell her there are no leprachans, no genies in bodies, no quick fixes and she has to be ready to think she dead because it'll tear you apart.
She wants it, persistant offers to pay me money. I cant decide if I should of refused, I'll find out when I talk to her and find out if she remembers anything.
I'll tell you now that "Urban shamanism" is utter bullshit taking these medicine trips in absense of culture in absense of any kind of social structure or family to take care of me the next day when all of my life force has gone into her and I am prostate and dying and humilated and alone is wrong.
If I were some kind of "shaman" and I am not I would have family or apprentices or healing friends to wash me and feed me and put the life force back into me. I had no one.
For the most part she was determined to have a very physical trip to work on her body from the inside and "condense 15 body work sessions" into one. I dont feel sorry for her illness or her physical trip anymore she admitted that she chose, she has chosen to be sick for all these years because it is a process that she WANTs to work out. Some naturopath told her to commit herself to it, she took his work as gospel and has thrown her life into being sick for the past 6 years.
I learned alot about the power trip of healers and teachers and the amount of responsibility attached to that and wonder if there is someway I can do what I do without taking all of that responsibility.
(Like when ------ fucks up a dance exercize and people are scared and hurt but because he is a teacher decide there is something they should learn from being scared and hurt, thats funky, how can I avoid that?)
L left her soul and anypart of her that is connected to a power outside of her own body in Africa 6 years ago and is only bideing her time waiting to go back.
I asked her why she doesnt take pride in her work on her body and she said its because of her parents. at age 36, she wants there understanding and some people, because of who they are never get that. I said I dont feel sorry for her and I dont, I have no sympathy, but I understand her process as a self contained unit, something that cannot be judged.
I learned alot about what I am prepared to do as a healer because I have been thinking about going back to that and I found something so simple as the fact that she wanted to work things out by vomiting, difficult to ground, I realized that for birthing or dying, I was never healing alone, I was always with other people, and this time I just lay outside the door and sent alot alot of energy into letting the violence of this process give her what she wanted.
She swore for a long time everything was physical and she was seeing nothing visual and I was on alot lower dose and seeing alot of shit and watching myself pull chi straight from a grid in the air and then I caught her playing elaborate shadow puppet theatre on the wall with her hands and I just laughed at her and said, "oh c'mon, you are so tripping" and after that we didnt say much to each other except to sigh and say , "whoa...." once in awhile not really caring what was amazing the other because it didnt matter what it was about.
I just felt like my whole body was being pushed apart by this plant, I could see and feel the leaves pushing into my cells and trying to grow straight out my eyes and say, "whoa"
Once, I spent along time rolling my head on my neck and thinking about how the position of your head on your body changes everything, this, L could dig too.
I understood how stones are cool, just because they all grew out of the earth and all look so different, so varied. I felt myself being dropped back into my own choices about disability and body alignment, how there have been alternatives offered to me in one way or other but I chose to stay twisted because they is something I want to do with it.
She started talking about puking again, and I felt so RESISTANT, like it was a bad idea, a choice of excess, something that I couldnt ground again, this simple body process, because I was at this really fragile place in my trip, I was afraid she would make me sick, and I felt like I couldnt because I was DRIVING.
So waiting for her second purge was like waiting for a baby to be born I started to resent her the way that I would resent some big ugly sighing lump of mud and she knew it.
So she said I could go to bed. I went to bed but hallcinated my neighbors vomiting in other apartments and finally made some peace with all this people, all these lumps of mud that I am connected too and all there annoying plumbing.
I think she went home when my roommate came home. I lay there tripping harder and harder (on a dose that I had judged to be small, like1/3 of L's dose) and remember nothing of the peak except that I couldnt move and I was losing control of bodily functions and then I really slept. I woke up the next morning still mildly hallucinating and forced myself to remember, like trying to remember an important dream.
And then I begin to try to deal with cleaning myself up but became violently dizzy at the smallest movement. I dragged myself into the shower with all my soiled clothes on, ran the water over myself and thought, "maybe this is how I'll die, how ugly"
It took me three hours and an entire bar of soap and many tubs of water to get clean and then I lay in bed the rest of the day unable to move and I just thought about how wrong this was.
Doing the same substance time and again, nothing like this had ever happened, the only difference was that I did it for, with, and because of healing L wanted, instead of doing it for myself, and it took way to much out of me. I couldnt imagine being in a context where I could or should do this again.
I hate party culture, the lightness, the cavalier way that people talk about this plants, the lack of context and support, I hate all that. I hate telling someone, "this could rip you apart, you could die or at least think you did." and have them say oh kewl man! lets do it!" fuck all that.
You live like that and think like that and the plants take there toll and you end up alone with the consequences.
If she forgot what she learned I'll know I should have refused.
-------
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