Middle age assesment with reget

[chief ten beers]

Well...anyone else here who has reached or approaching middle age and with a tear in their eye upon honest self examination saying to themselves, I really could have done so much better with my life in my sojourn here on earth? I've done a lot in my 47 years on this planet, most of it seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. I think in your 40's you really start to evaluate your life, unless you are a sociopath who can't handle the truth. I haven't been a bad guy or a cruel guy but I'll admit to being a selfish guy. Now in monk like circumstances I find myself evaluating my life and when certain memories come up I find myself saying what a fool I was out loud in my private moments. Regret is one of the most bitter of drinks one can drink, you don't order it from a bar for a price, it's free of charge and it will pour down your throat willing or not. God I wish I could do it all over again but with foreknowledge of the life I had lived before. I could have been a better son, a better husband, a better person overall. I wasn't a bad guy but I'm being honest, I could have been so much better if it weren't for drugs and alcohol, which still grips my life.

 

[T. Calderone]

I go through this every single day with beating myself up over things I've done in the past. If there were a gold medal for self-sabotage, I would have won it many times. I spent decades under the influence of one thing or another but didn't lose control until I was in my 40's. I haven't much sober time under my belt and facing the harsh reality with a clear mind isn't as easy as I thought it would be.

I can't even count how many friends and relatives that have passed from substance abuse/complications from it. Many times I get to thinking if life were fair, I would have died long ago. Yet I'm still here and fighting! I've been told it gets better over time and have a couple friends I talk to in the same situation. Just talking about it helps and I also keep of journal with things I'm unable to verbalize.

I agree, regret is a bitter pill to swallow and it's there like it or not. When these thoughts begin to creep back, I try some deep breathing to prevent this from going further so I won't have another meltdown. Sometimes I need to cry and let it out so I can move forward. Our friend, herbavore created a sticky thread about Mindfulness that I find helpful. (at the top of this page) Do you need help quitting? You've come to the right place. Many people here may not be as old as us, but going through the struggle nonetheless. Feel free to message me if you need to talk.

 

[Greene0Kelly]

If you think you didn't make a life those past years, then why wouldn't you try to live it now? I perceived that it will be hard as past is still entangling but I still want you to pursue it. It's now or never. Let yourself be a glorious ruin. Try You will not lose anything if you'll try.

 

[neversickanymore]

If we were intended to live a perfect life we would have received much clearer instructions.

If we were capable of listening to those instructions we would be doing worlds better.

We are here to learn. Change has been "slow" for so many reasons.

We have to be honest as it comes with those that are younger than us.

With the constant change of the world we have as much or more to learn from those younger then they do from us.

Maybe have to work at opening ourselves up, esp to tolerance of those who need to live differently then we do.

 

[herbavore]

^So much wisdom there.

One thing that I can tell you as one who is now past middle age and entering old age is that these regrets will soften. Regrets come from the "shoulds" that have been internalized over the years. "I should have worked harder at a career." "I should have been more serious in school." "I should have worried less and been more fearless in my choices." But, like nsa said, life is about learning and there is no timetable for that. Opening yourself to your own life naturally will bring up regrets in the beginning but perhaps this is nothing more than a necessary humbling for the work that lies ahead: creating the self and life that you desire. Once you begin to take responsibility for your life and choices, you begin to see that everything you did led you to this perfect place of acceptance and understanding. Developing compassion for yourself is the hardest thing to do. It can be confused with rationalizing but the two could not be further apart.

Treat yourself as a friend. Accept imperfection and regrets as tools and try not to get stuck in them. It is never too late to change and grow. Every single one of us is a very unique tangle of small miracles. Celebrate the choices you are regretting for the part they played in bringing you to the wisdom you have today.