TDS (Meth) Meth and the embarassment of becoming a real weirdo

[JBrandon]

Pulling myself out of a relapse here, and for the second time in less than a year having to grapple with the terrible consequences of using.

In addition to the vast and impressive physical and psychological damage, I've been absolutely amazed both times when I sort of snap into some clarity and look back at my behavior. It's fucking mortifying.

The absolutely insane and overly confessional things I told people in order to "cover up" my obvious drug abuse... At the time it sure seemed like a good idea to expose someone's background of sexual abuse and my insane response to it in order to distract from the fact that I was obviously fucked out of my mind. No doubt that tactic worked and didn't come across like completely delusional monologuing.

The completely fucking bizarre shit I posted to IG, FB, etc. Just where the fuck was I going with that? Why did I think that was funny, or even intelligible? Why would I think anyone else was playing some weird 4-dimensional chess via social media and would surely understand the subtleties and nuances of the shit I was posting. The mind boggles.

The hours and hours spent masturbating in various wildly inappropriate locales, showers running until the paint is fucked up on the walls, fabricating totally insane justifications - Oh, hi platonic friend who let me stay with you for a month. Why yes, I was in your family bathroom for 7.5 hours with the shower running the whole time. It totally wasn't on just to cover up the sound of a lighter that you could hear anyway. I was just really tired and fell asleep with the shower on! And then did the same thing for maybe two weeks. It was totally normal for me to enter and exit your home at all hours of the night, leave bizarre post-it notes around with requests to "wake me up", etc.

The stories are endless, as is the embarassment. Truly the most destructive drug I've ever done.

 

[Iwanttobefree]

I completely understand, can empathize with what you are saying in this post. I was sober 3.5 years and relapsed on new years. I have yet to come to my senses, but due to my circumstances I go periods of time with out being able to have a session, which leads to glimpses of " mental clarity, " at which time I am like " WTF was I thinking?" Or my personal favorite " How did I rationalize in my mind that the behaviors I am displaying would lead people to believe I am sober?"

Many times I am shocked at how I haven't been caught as of yet. I mean having my own place, job, and health issues help make for good cover stories.. but some things I have done, said, or not shown up too, you would think would give me away. I am ashamed of myself...the self loathing and embarrassed feelings follow me and haunt me constantly.. before, along with the threat of my kids being taken away, I was able to quit cold turkey, and stay sober for a long period of time. This time around, my addictive personality, or whatever is making it so hard to walk away. Even for my kids. I can't tell you how many times I sat in a session and had tears rolling down my face while sitting and smoking and wishing I was strong enough to pull the trigger on my gun and leave my kids for a better life with a parent who was sober and love them more than drugs. Or how many times I wanted to reach out and call my parents, tell my doctor, or counselor I needed help, but couldn't because I didn't want to loose my kids.

Amazing how when that euphoria hits everything seems fantastic, like life is perfect... like I am an attentive loving and caring mother and girlfriend... but when it's time to come down I can't see past my next fix. I have missed bball games, karate classes, school events, where my kids dad has stepped up and took them to do these things and I have made an excuse to stay home locked away so I can lock lips with evil.

I hope recovery finds you well this time around. I hope you find strength and self love. I wish I was brave and ready to start my war into recovery. Good luck!

 

[Pickledlemons]

I can relate OP. I went on a binge the first week of this year. I did all kinds of fucked up things. I was so ashamed of myself. Its a really horrible feeling. Try to remember this the next time you're thinking of using.

I know its easier said than done...

 

[Trabbamab]

I can completely relate. The stupid crap I used to say to justify the money, time and sanity missing is simply staggering.

Have you told some of the people that this affected about your addiction? It can be a really tough decision, but in some ways it can also be liberating. I always say it isn't an excuse, it is a reason. The reason I was acting so weird wasn't because I am a pervert or anything. I was on hard drugs. Of course that comes with its own baggage but in some cases that is preferable. It is also something people can stand behind you with. Versus just acting strange where no one can cheer you on.

 

[swilow]

The after-disaster ruminations that follow us into sobriety really make staying sober so much harder. Its easier to just shut it all off again rather than deal with consequences of all this madness. I know the feeling. I suppose it can be used to shame oneself into staying sober, but I don't really see that working out

Its just really shitty having to live a secret life. I think we all rationalise our way into thinking that it is possible to stave off reality with lies and misinformation but it just catches up with you inevitably.

 

[herbavore]

JBrandon, I had a friend, actually the father of one of my son's childhood friends, that was a meth addict. He did a lot of bizarre things that made all his friends uncomfortable--to the point that most of us could not be around him too much. But we all knew the real him and we could distinguish between him and the effects of the meth on him and we held the faith for him. He has been off meth (and everything else) for many years now after a many years long addiction and I have more respect for him than ever. We can laugh about some of the stuff, some we just don't talk about, but my point is that most people that know you will not let this become their entire idea of who you are. Just keep aiming towards your own salvation from this compulsive drug. It will take time and a hell of a fight but you are worth it. Don't let anything you are going through now convince you otherwise.

 

[Joey]

I can relate to this in part. The justifications. EDIT: Deleted the bigger story part for personal reasons.

I'm clean now and wasn't as far gone as you were in that story. But I can see it totally. If I went on...

You just kind of scared me honestly. I can see this. Its true.