traveling cloud
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Feb 4, 2015
- Messages
- 2
I'm 34 years old and until last year I lived in an Eastern Europe country, having little connection with drug culture. I had a few experiences with meth, MDMA, LSD and salvia, and I also have a moderate-high cannabis addiction. If does count, I have ADHD but I was unaware of it most of my life. I never had any schizo symptoms, I am just a mild-depressive bipolar personality.
5 days ago I started buying 5 pills of 'speed' from a local dealer, which warned me they are very strong. I shared them with my girlfriend and we ingested all of them during several hours. We decided not to snort them because we wanted a smoother trip. I don't know if it matters, but we also took 5 pills of St. John's Wort (5 x 300mg) due to the impulsivity while we were high. It acts as serotonin/dopamine/noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor, so mainly keeps the DA/NE longer in the body. At least that's what we thought.
During all this time we smoked weed (indica strain, quite anxiogen). Like 5 grams in 24 hours, nothing unusual for us. We use it especially during comedowns.
Compared to other meth trips, the first part was like all the time (we did this maybe 5 times before), pretty intense though. The second part (2-3 hours after I took the last half of pill) I had the most intense sexual experience ever. I felt like melting into my partner and becoming one sole entity. The feeling wasn't new, but the intensity was more mindfuck than my first acid trip (though completely different). It was for sure a norepinephrine driven mood as I experienced several panic attacks during my sexual intercourse that I managed to control and to transform them into positive feelings.
After 27 hours from ingesting the first pill, and 17 hours after the last one, we were sitting on the couch having the usual burnout. We haven't had any sleep yet. Then suddenly my girlfriend crashed. She remembered that we have financial problems and she begun to behave psychotically. She suffers from depression since a few months, although she usually can manage it. Now she couldn't and she tried to convince me (and herself) that she deserves to die as she has no value at all. It was impossible to talk to her as she didn't listen what I was saying. She was just looking for triggers that can make her feel worse, like:
(me): I was very stupid doing that, I am sorry.
(she): I know I am stupid, you don't have to tell me that again. I represent nothing, I deserve to die etc etc.
Then I slowly turned myself into a psychotic state where my thoughts were almost impossible to control. I thought I am crazy because my actions and my words had a totally different feedback than I expected, so everything became a nonsens. If all your actions have completely different effects than you predict, then you begin to question yourself about your own mental sanity. My very basic values regarding life and death, logic and illogic, true and false, love and fear etc were staggering, everything became a mess. I even truly believed that my girlfriend died after she couldn't breath for several seconds while she was crying out loud (actually she didn't want to - as she told me afterwards). I was aware that we are suffering from some sort of psychosis that resembled me of salvia. It was like having the worst alcoholic mental impairment while being even more than sober.
I also noticed that I was mixing the words in my mind. I don't remember examples, but I would use words like 'train' instead of 'bus' or 'manipulative' instead of 'afectuos' just because in my mind there was a slight connection between the pairs. Sometimes I became aware that I used wrong words only after a while.
We acted violently for 12 hours.
She remember almost everything but she says she couldn't control her actions and thoughts. I could a bit more. We both have the feeling there were more people in our room during our trip. I had to concentrate to realize for sure that they weren't, and that we tripped alone.
She is recovering now and getting better, and I'm trying to do the same. The only thing is I am suffering from some sort of dopamine related PTSD. I get panic attacks (like I'm feeling again the bad part of meth experience) that turn into mild psychotic behaviour every time I trigger some dopamine response. I used to make fun of noradrenaline anxiety while I was high in downtown in the middle of people; I learned to deal with it, and this helped me to control my usual anxiety from which I suffered since my childhood. Now I'm beginning to feel a new type of anxiety which I can't control and impairs my clean thinking, even if I smoke small amounts of weed and even if I just have an optimistic mood while I'm doing usual things in my life.
Anything that makes me happy or motivated triggers the same dopamine response that turns into panic. I also became obsessed with sex and I get erection when I least expect that, accompanied by huge amounts of anxiety. The only relief is a sexual intercourse with my girlfriend, of whom I became somehow sexually addicted.
I also tried to replenish my dopamine storage with L-Tyrosine, but all what I felt was the same meth-like rush which was pleasant some time ago. Now it turns me in a state of being (falsely) aware that I have lost my mind as I can't control my train of thoughts. I feel unsure while thinking if everything that happened was part of my reality or was a dream. My will is weaker than ever was because I now doubt of every value that defines my being. Needless to say I'm feeling depressed.
I think I learned to trigger some abnormal dopamine response. I was still in a high dopamine state while everything turned upside down. Probably it's the kind of trauma this man suffered while his daughter died in his arms and he was high on MDMA. But why the hell I've god this PTSD after a (theoretically) minor event in my life and just a moderate amount of meth? I've read about LTP (Long-Term Potentiation) that amphetamines modulate, so this could trigger some obsessive thought pattern that I've learned during the bad trip?
I know NMDA antagonist (like ketamine, DXM and even alcohol) can reset some dopamine related tolerance/addiction to meth, so I wonder if this could apply in my case (I guess not). Even then, the best thing I can do is to drink alcohol, as I don't feel prepared right now to try a new drug.
I just ordered L-Theanine. This could help relax me a bit and slightly promotes LTP - which may be a good idea as I want to replace some bad memories with new positive ones. Didn't try it so far.
5 days ago I started buying 5 pills of 'speed' from a local dealer, which warned me they are very strong. I shared them with my girlfriend and we ingested all of them during several hours. We decided not to snort them because we wanted a smoother trip. I don't know if it matters, but we also took 5 pills of St. John's Wort (5 x 300mg) due to the impulsivity while we were high. It acts as serotonin/dopamine/noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor, so mainly keeps the DA/NE longer in the body. At least that's what we thought.
During all this time we smoked weed (indica strain, quite anxiogen). Like 5 grams in 24 hours, nothing unusual for us. We use it especially during comedowns.
Compared to other meth trips, the first part was like all the time (we did this maybe 5 times before), pretty intense though. The second part (2-3 hours after I took the last half of pill) I had the most intense sexual experience ever. I felt like melting into my partner and becoming one sole entity. The feeling wasn't new, but the intensity was more mindfuck than my first acid trip (though completely different). It was for sure a norepinephrine driven mood as I experienced several panic attacks during my sexual intercourse that I managed to control and to transform them into positive feelings.
After 27 hours from ingesting the first pill, and 17 hours after the last one, we were sitting on the couch having the usual burnout. We haven't had any sleep yet. Then suddenly my girlfriend crashed. She remembered that we have financial problems and she begun to behave psychotically. She suffers from depression since a few months, although she usually can manage it. Now she couldn't and she tried to convince me (and herself) that she deserves to die as she has no value at all. It was impossible to talk to her as she didn't listen what I was saying. She was just looking for triggers that can make her feel worse, like:
(me): I was very stupid doing that, I am sorry.
(she): I know I am stupid, you don't have to tell me that again. I represent nothing, I deserve to die etc etc.
Then I slowly turned myself into a psychotic state where my thoughts were almost impossible to control. I thought I am crazy because my actions and my words had a totally different feedback than I expected, so everything became a nonsens. If all your actions have completely different effects than you predict, then you begin to question yourself about your own mental sanity. My very basic values regarding life and death, logic and illogic, true and false, love and fear etc were staggering, everything became a mess. I even truly believed that my girlfriend died after she couldn't breath for several seconds while she was crying out loud (actually she didn't want to - as she told me afterwards). I was aware that we are suffering from some sort of psychosis that resembled me of salvia. It was like having the worst alcoholic mental impairment while being even more than sober.
I also noticed that I was mixing the words in my mind. I don't remember examples, but I would use words like 'train' instead of 'bus' or 'manipulative' instead of 'afectuos' just because in my mind there was a slight connection between the pairs. Sometimes I became aware that I used wrong words only after a while.
We acted violently for 12 hours.
She remember almost everything but she says she couldn't control her actions and thoughts. I could a bit more. We both have the feeling there were more people in our room during our trip. I had to concentrate to realize for sure that they weren't, and that we tripped alone.
She is recovering now and getting better, and I'm trying to do the same. The only thing is I am suffering from some sort of dopamine related PTSD. I get panic attacks (like I'm feeling again the bad part of meth experience) that turn into mild psychotic behaviour every time I trigger some dopamine response. I used to make fun of noradrenaline anxiety while I was high in downtown in the middle of people; I learned to deal with it, and this helped me to control my usual anxiety from which I suffered since my childhood. Now I'm beginning to feel a new type of anxiety which I can't control and impairs my clean thinking, even if I smoke small amounts of weed and even if I just have an optimistic mood while I'm doing usual things in my life.
Anything that makes me happy or motivated triggers the same dopamine response that turns into panic. I also became obsessed with sex and I get erection when I least expect that, accompanied by huge amounts of anxiety. The only relief is a sexual intercourse with my girlfriend, of whom I became somehow sexually addicted.
I also tried to replenish my dopamine storage with L-Tyrosine, but all what I felt was the same meth-like rush which was pleasant some time ago. Now it turns me in a state of being (falsely) aware that I have lost my mind as I can't control my train of thoughts. I feel unsure while thinking if everything that happened was part of my reality or was a dream. My will is weaker than ever was because I now doubt of every value that defines my being. Needless to say I'm feeling depressed.
I think I learned to trigger some abnormal dopamine response. I was still in a high dopamine state while everything turned upside down. Probably it's the kind of trauma this man suffered while his daughter died in his arms and he was high on MDMA. But why the hell I've god this PTSD after a (theoretically) minor event in my life and just a moderate amount of meth? I've read about LTP (Long-Term Potentiation) that amphetamines modulate, so this could trigger some obsessive thought pattern that I've learned during the bad trip?
I know NMDA antagonist (like ketamine, DXM and even alcohol) can reset some dopamine related tolerance/addiction to meth, so I wonder if this could apply in my case (I guess not). Even then, the best thing I can do is to drink alcohol, as I don't feel prepared right now to try a new drug.
I just ordered L-Theanine. This could help relax me a bit and slightly promotes LTP - which may be a good idea as I want to replace some bad memories with new positive ones. Didn't try it so far.
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