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Mental Health Mentally mutilated from teen drug use

JasperTheReckless

JasperTheReckless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Messages
339
I stopped using DXM and am losing hope kind of fast these last few weeks.

The depression isn't lifting this time.

I told myself i'd responsibly used adderall as a pick me up when i'm really down, and proceeded to sniff up 750mg in four days.

I then fell hard and two weeks later, I am still the the bottom.

I am losing my shit because simple stress is overwhelming, then there are things like, my idiot friend I live with keeps leaving his gun out and loaded in the house, and I'm a suicide case waiting to happen some days, I don't need that shit around me. I have nowhere to go. I just want relief :'(
 
Hey man - I feel you, I really do. I suffer depression, though I've been off the drugs for a number of years, I can tell you what's working for me but you might need to stop with the adderall if you can. People here put me onto mindfulness - it's really just a form of meditation - and I've found it really useful. Try to focus your attention on your body, things like breathing and just being aware of your body - the touch of the seat your sitting on, the feeling as you type on your keyboard, the feel of your feet on the ground as you walk. As thoughts arise acknowledge them without judgement but then very gently return the focus of your attention back to your breathing.

It might sound kind of stupid but it really works, even if you start off doing it for a few minutes at a time, I found that very quickly I was getting fewer depressive thought patterns and that when those thought patterns did arise they were much easier to let go of. And I've only been at it for a bit over a week! It can seem difficult at first but gets easier surprisingly quickly.

I found just walking mindfully was probably the most effective, gets you out of the house and away from your environment, start taking a 30 minute walk and as you walk focus on your breathing and the sensation of walking, just making sure to very gently return your focus on your breathing every few seconds as thoughts well up. I think you'll find you'll have a clearer head-space and be able to look at your situation a bit more objectively.

This is a good three minute exercise you can try too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVW_IE1nsKE

That guy is from Oxford University where they've developed an 8 week mindfulness programme that is at least as effective as medication for treating depression. I originally came across this hour long lecture he gave and it really got me interested, there is clear scientific evidence that practising mindfulness can physically alter the way your brain is structured

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAy_3Ssyqqg

Here's another good set of videos on how mindfulness can physically change your brain, this was probably the first thing I watched that convinced me I needed to try putting this stuff into practice:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NyTm7w2bLY8&list=PLB85DE2C9E217B2FF

Only a fortnight ago I started a thread here doing a pros and cons list for suicide because I was really at rock bottom but I feel a LOT better now. Doing these kinds of exercises gave me some head space to think rationally and now I'm doing other stuff to stabilise myself, like changing my diet and experimenting with supplements like omega-3 fish-oil because now, rather than feeling hopeless and lost, I feel like I can really get on top of this depression that has plagued me on and off for the better part of 20 years.

Best of luck man, I really know what you're going through, I hope this stuff can help <3
 
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Jasper it takes time to return to "normal". May I suggest you be patient with yourself? In my experience, a hard drug problem can take a year to get over. Maybe more.
 
Sorry about your troubles dude..
Unfortunately it does take time to heal after being exposed to a DXM addiction, but if you hang on and focus on getting better, you will notice a change eventually.
Be careful with your Adderall usage too.. That stuff can cause you even greater problems if you continue to misuse it..
Have you tried talking to your friend about leaving his gun out??
That's so dangerous.. Firearms should always be locked away.
I know you can fight these demons man.
<3
 
In my opinion it takes years.

I mean in the weeks, it hasn't budged a bit, it had stayed if not fell. I get a half hour or two every few days of a lift then I fall
 
Jasper, as awful and frustrating as it is you just need to be patient. It's perfectly normal for you to feel like this only two weeks after getting out of a DXM addiction but you just have to remember it's not permanent. Things will look up. When I got off benzos I felt like I was still living in some sort of hazy cloud for maybe 2-3 months, I felt so empty and depressed and was absolutely convinced it would always be like that. But it did eventually get better, so much better, and a few months after quitting I was back to my old self again and so happy I'd stuck through it. Just keep telling yourself it'll pass <3

Also you should definitely tell your housemate to put that gun away, suicidal or not that's extremely dangerous and irresponsible...
 
I'm just going to reinforce what everyone else has basically said: it will take time to get over.

Have you tried talking to friends/family/a counselor on your feelings?
 
I am distant from my family after an event in August that resulted in a suicide attempt and a hospitalization.

I have been in counseling on and off for years, but began to lose faith in doctors when it became medications first, talk later. Their answer was smother my emotions in anti psychotics and tell me to obey my parents instead of working with me.
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I am distant from my family after an event in August that resulted in a suicide attempt and a hospitalization.

I have been in counseling on and off for years, but began to lose faith in doctors when it became medications first, talk later. Their answer was smother my emotions in anti psychotics and tell me to obey my parents instead of working with me.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry :(

Does talking about your feelings help? Some find it helpful and some do not. If you are one of the people that find it to be helpful, I suggest seeing a counselor or just a therapist who cannot prescribe meds and maybe trying CBT. It takes work to sometimes find the counselor/therapist/psychiatrist or whatever that will give you the type of treatment you are seeking.

I start seeing a psychiatrist in April for the first time, and I'm hoping that we can incorporate CBT and talking about my problems into the mix of medication. If he only wants to throw meds my way, then I may just see someone who doesn't have the ability to write prescriptions and can solely only talk/listen. Maybe you can try going that route?

<3 xx
 
I have learned a fair bit about DBT, haven't done much with CBT.
Talking helps, but sometimes it just feels like i'm spinning around so fast, in a circle and I can't manage to stand still, I feel like I don't have nearly enough words to explain how I feel.

Every day of my life feels as frustrating as trying to describe a ++++ trip to a person who has never done a drug in their life.
 
You are not "mentally mutilated"! <3

Also do you think your problems are really due to your drug use, or could it be the other way around, that you use drugs because of your problems?

Don't give up hope man :)
 
<3

all I can say is just please wait it out. Times are hard, we've all had them but I promise you it will change one day. Maybe in a few weeks, maybe a few months. PM me if you want to talk, from one mess to another...
 
The longer I am off of DXM the less frequently I have suicidal thoughts. Depression looms, I was diagnosed long before I even knew what getting high was.

But compared to the sigma suicide phase, even feeling like shit is like winning the lottery.
I'm hoping a year from now, my brain starts to readjust to normal levels of stuff being in it.
For the sake of being thorough, I even quit smoking weed.

I understand now that being sad is a part of life, and I cannot force it away with drugs.
It's okay sometimes. And when I feel like it's too much, I have someone I can talk to.

I couldn't grasp that, I refused to allow myself to feel sad, I took anything and everything. Dramamine for fucks sake.

I feel like shit, but at least i'm not.

That's the thought I need to hold in my mind.
 
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JasperTheReckless said:
I understand now that being sad is a part of life, and I cannot force it away with drugs.
It's okay sometimes. And when I feel like it's too much, I have someone I can talk to.

I couldn't grasp that, I refused to allow myself to feel sad, I took anything and everything. Dramamine for fucks sake.

I feel like shit, but at least i'm not.

That's the thought I need to hold in my mind.
Click to expand...

there is a lot of wisdom in that.<3
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I understand now that being sad is a part of life, and I cannot force it away with drugs.
It's okay sometimes. And when I feel like it's too much, I have someone I can talk to.

I couldn't grasp that, I refused to allow myself to feel sad, I took anything and everything. Dramamine for fucks sake.

I feel like shit, but at least i'm not.

That's the thought I need to hold in my mind.
Click to expand...

Like Capt.Heroin said, it's the bitter moments that make life sweet. It sounds cliche, but there's nothing more true. I try my hardest to embrace the shitty moments of life. Much like being sick helps you appreciate your health when you get it back, the bad days are the same way for life!
 
I was addicted to first plateau doses of dxm for a few weeks. I had to quit because the derealization and depersonalization and mental weirdness it was causing was unbearable. That was like last august and i still havent fully recovered.
Hopefully things will get better for you... PLEASE dont hurt yourself. Maybe get on antidepressants
 
I am getting better at talking to myself, the longer I am off DXM;

Fourth and Sigma are truly a rare visit kind of thing, and I will testify to that fact day and night.

I am just trying to figure out how to recalibrate my scale of emotions, and not become a snarling mean little wolfie as the dxm cloud leaves my world.

I do not miss how nice it made me, I hope I can learn to keep that.
 
JasperTheReckless said:
I am getting better at talking to myself, the longer I am off DXM;

Fourth and Sigma are truly a rare visit kind of thing, and I will testify to that fact day and night.

I am just trying to figure out how to recalibrate my scale of emotions, and not become a snarling mean little wolfie as the dxm cloud leaves my world.

I do not miss how nice it made me, I hope I can learn to keep that.
Click to expand...

After a drug leaves the body when you have been used to it for so long you will definitely feel a wide range of emotions- that's something that I am learning myself first hand. I wish I could tell you an easy way to recalibrate your emotions, but I haven't found it myself after quitting IV opiates. We'll always miss how good drugs make us feel- that's why we got addicted to them in the first place. Over time, your body will eventually readjust to not having drugs. But that's exactly what it will take- time. It's not going to happen over night unfortunately.

If you were depressed before you started using drugs, you will most likely feel this again, and maybe even stronger because you're now battling the feelings of withdrawal. I don't mean to sound negative, but it is just the fact of the matter.

Over time you will feel better. The longer you're clean, the easier it will be in the long run.

<3
 
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