Mental Anguish

[Counterintuitive]

First, I am usually very well spoken and tedious with most all that I do. Right now, though, I am a mental mess and do not have the energy for a well constructed post.

I did cocaine Sunday night through Monday morning. It has been several years, but those several years did not include sobriety. I have, however, been sober for the past six months. The night started by going to a bar with an old friend. After a few beers, cigarettes (which I do not smoke), and finally liquor; I ran into a girl and started talking. It was not long before she made it quite evident that she could get me whatever the hell I wanted, and right away... The song of death to an addict. Of course, the phone call was made and before I knew it, we were en route to her apartment with an 8-ball of good cocaine. The rest is history, but the after math is adding up to a severe problem. I am now sitting, after drinking a few beers at home (first mistake), with a racing heart, the shits, and a decent sized bank account - Recipe for a disaster. When I woke this morning, it smelled like a frosty October morning from the year 2006. A time in which I was enduring a heavy cocaine addiction. I am completely aware of what I should not do, but every tick of the clock I am slowly rationalizing the decision to make that dreaded call that leads to short-term bliss.

I am not going to a meeting tonight, but I feel as though the next best thing is to post something on here and hope for a response; no matter how cliche. I'm sure many of you all have listened to Tool; a band that has aided my sobriety. But right now I can not stop myself from thinking of so many meaningful lyrics by them, but at the same time push them aside and use it as a fuel to head in the opposite direction.

Words of wisdom? Condolences? Something? Please?

 

[EoTorv]

Sounds like you know going back to the ways things were is untenable. A slip or stumble doesn't mean you are going to dive back in. It has you thinking and I'm sure you'll be able to avoid things re-escalating. Take care and keep reaching for help when you need it.

 

[Counterintuitive]

^^

Werd... It's just really getting to me - Obvious and to be expected. Problem is that heavy drinking may ensue, and that will inevitably lead to something... Thank you for the response, but do not be fooled by my understanding of my own addiction. All of my knowledge can be easily stomped by wisdom, which I lack.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do this, draw a man walking into a big hole / ditch. Then draw a man stuck in that hole. Ask yourself do you want to be in a hole where there is no ladder until much later on? It's not worth it......Now draw a picture of a man crossing a bridge and ask yourself which one is the better option?

Sometimes it's hard to see what's going on but through images you may find a connection?

 

[RedLeader]

Werd... It's just really getting to me - Obvious and to be expected. Problem is that heavy drinking may ensue, and that will inevitably lead to something...

Indeed. I would definitely try and not go out and drink a lot in the near future. Especially not at similar-type places that might give you a "feel" for the other night (slash the olden days) and then give you the final trigger. It's horrifically dangerous to play around with alcohol when you're battling temptation to fall back into another drug. Alcohol has its own form of peer pressure that is damn hard to deal with.

As well, do not develop romantic feelings for this woman you met. Even if there happened to be some sparks in your weekend of fun, this would be a very bad idea.

But it's just a relapse. You can still save it. Save your money, save your otherwise good progress and save your future. The resemblences you're feeling right now to your past will fade over the next few weeks and become less tangable memories. Just try and take it day-by-day for a little while, and let those days add up.

 

[Counterintuitive]

As well, do not develop romantic feelings for this woman you met. Even if there happened to be some sparks in your weekend of fun, this would be a very bad idea.

But it's just a relapse. You can still save it. Save your money, save your otherwise good progress and save your future. The resemblences you're feeling right now to your past will fade over the next few weeks and become less tangable memories. Just try and take it day-by-day for a little while, and let those days add up.

Spot on, (wo)man. I ended up calling a non-using friend last night, and we watched a horrible movie called, Ninja Assassin. The bad acting, and shitty bootleg quality, was enough to ease my mind for the night. Work was a lot more enjoyable, too.

This is why I come to this site - The considerate, educated and experienced responses. Thank you all for helping me keep my wit about.

P.S

I've deleted this woman's number, and am fully prepared to take it a day at a time. Thinking too far into the future often makes me forget the present.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

Whenever I drink I get really depressed for the next two days. That's why I try to stay away from alcohol. Also coffee can drive me into mania.

 

[flat line]

do you have any sober friends you can call? you do not need to be alone right now. call a freind and tell them the truth and ask for support and company. do it.