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meltdown mode

muzby

muzby

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 12, 2001
Messages
5,517
Location
melbourne - SE suburbs
warning - not a happy thread!

sometimes i wonder if it's all worth it...

the work it takes to build up relationships, both intimate and friendships...

does anyone else ever go into "meltdown" or "self destruction" mode??

i really shit myself at times... i lead a fantastic life, yet constantly feel the need to bring it all crashing down around me...

well, when i say "it all" i really just mean my relationships and bonds with people around me...

every 6 months or so, i'll just go on a destructive rampage (figuratively, not literally...) and fuck up what i've got...

i'll stop returning phone calls, stop making phone calls, start being a prick to people around me..

i'll start treating girls i am seeing like shit... wont call em, when they call me just act like i dont care....

it shits me cause i can see it all happening, and it's like i'm watching a movie / on autopilot... i know exactly wot i am doing, but cant stop it....

and i know exactly why too..... i have built extremely high walls around myself, as in the past, most people i let get close to me, those who i expose the "inner muzby" to end up hurting me and abandoning me.. so to stop this, when i start to see people climbing these walls (by this i mean getting close to me...) i cut them off, wont let them near me... i quite often say to people that if i am insulting you, it's actually a sign that i like you.....

it's especially bad with girls... if i start getting close to a girl, i'll find some stupid reason to get rid of her... if she does one little thing wrong, i'll get the shits and get rid of her... i want to do the hurting before i get hurt myself...

so overall, it's really frustrating.... i surround myself with fantastic people, if i consider someone a friend, it should actually be a massive compliment, cause i'll only hang around people who are intelligent and positive... yet, i'll still go through phases where i treat my friends like how i have mentioned in this post..... (and i'm sure if you are one of my friends who is reading this, you'll know exactly wot i am talking about... and i apologise to you for that time.. or times...) and just on the weekend, i had a girl come to visit me and stay with me... she gave up her whole birthday weekend with her friends to come be with me, yet i spent the whole time trying to make her not like me... and i feel really bad, yet cant stop myself doing it... its just that when someone gets close, i push back harder...


but hey, as they say.... self destructions kind of fun, cause if you do it well, you can find heaven... if you can handle hell....




anyway, end post, it probably makes no sense at all, sorry for pouring my heart out, but hey, just had to....


thanks for reading about... me.... :)

ps. mods, i know this prob belongs in slr, but i wanted any thoughts from people who know me.... i find in slr u just end up with mushy responses.... cheers... :)
 
muzby...thank you!
24.gif


the conversation over the last hour has shed some light on the fact im not so alone as i think i am.

at least im one girl you havent pushed away ;)
 
hehe@"mushy responses"...

I don't see a huge drama keeping it here..

And yessss, I'm very big on self-destructive tendencies. I tend to get extremely unmotivated to the point where I just lie in bed sleeping when I'm not at work...then I'll finally kick myself in the ass enough to try and do something constructive and the first little thing that goes wrong, BAM, back to being depressed again.

I don't think I treat people badly, more like I isolate myself from them so it's difficult at times for even my best friends to help me when I get all blahh because I just don't let people in.

Doesn't happen with anywhere near the same frequency as it used to though; it's hard and I don't think it ever really goes away but I think you learn to deal with yourself and your place in the world as you grow with it...
 
I know you said you wanted replies from your friends, but i'm going to email you instead.

Chin up champ!! You've gotten over it before, you can do it again. :)

DJC*
 
...and ive already told you what i think just before so i wont say it again.

while what im goin through is slightly different to urs i do understand right now what level you are on. it hurts and it sucks...but once uve hit the bottom...the only way is up...if u dont get stuck half way. :\
24.gif
 
OK, i am however going to add, that i too go through similar stages in my life, as i think we all do to a certain extent. It all depends on how you choose to deal with it that makes the difference.

The rest will be in your email.

DJC*
 
I'm not being an ass, but let's keep the personal non-relevant discussion out of the thread kids...I would like more people to respond to the topic at hand, I think it's an interesting point to discuss.

--Raz--
(who's just bitter and twisted cause nobody ever emails me :p;))

Oh and thanks muzby man!! Glad it helped.. =D
 
I am rather prone to self destruction. I get frustrated with everything and end up blaming it on friends or family or work or uni or whatever else is handy. I push people away and I just give up on ideas and plans because they're too much effort. I then go out and drink too much or take too many drugs to compensate... and hate myself for it. Vicious cycle.

That being said, something will happen that invariably kicks my ass out of the rut. But I always still seem to lapse back into my self destructive ways at some point. I blame it on immaturity and my tendency to analyse my faults too closely.
 
i have my moments - it's very up and down.

sometimes i'll actually be quite motivated, and i think everything (well most :p) in my life is going well, i'm getting things done and so on. i never have a girlfriend nor any money, but sometimes i can deal with this.

other times though, i tend to go the way of many others here. i'm fairly anti-social as it is, but i've had times when i just want to do nothing - i don't wanna see my friends, i find it impossible to do any school work/or recreational learning kinda stuff...i just lose all motivation. it sucks, as all of you know.

i'm not sure, exactly, where it comes from, but i'd say that it's a natural ebb-and-flow thing for many of us. as others have mentioned in other threads, there's a natural up-and-down to our lives; some just have higher peaks and troughs :(
 
Threads like this often show that as humans, what we feel, we are a majority of, and not a minority as we often so believe.

Basically meaning, Your life is as troublesome, emotional and reactive as everybody elses. Being human we always focus on our problems and to little the solutions. We never think of anyone elses problems, just our own. We are all so self focused.

Extracted from shals Journal

Look at it this way – Your life and everything that’s in your life is the material that built the foundation of who you’ve become. Over the years of your life, every single day, you build on the foundation in so many ways. By meeting new people, making new friends, finding new lovers, contributing to others lives, by travelling, by discovering, by hurting, by building a house, by having a car, every single thing you do in life is building that foundation, your castle, your empire, ultimately what you will be in life.


I think when we become self destructive, all we are doing is attacking that foundation. Lifes not easy, but no one promised it would be.

Stay Positive dude. Your not alone in what you feel.

shals!
 
I get like that all the time.

People often see me as having endless confidance, being arrogant as hell, and a great guy. I dont see this at all. I may just be self critical, but thats how i feel.
For example.
Yesturday, I had an old friend from queensland come down to sydney. We had a reunion at a park, there were about 20-25 of us there. At the start im having a great time, just chatting, wasting time. then later as the afternoon wore on, I started feeling isolated, there were people all around me, yet i felt alone, and this lead to me being quiet, which lead to people asking whats wrong, and then I just felt like I was ruining the fun for everyone, so I went and had a smoke on my own on the beach, then came back and seemed to be having fun again.

Yeah. It often seems like that. Oddly enough, when im around large groups of people who are sad or depressed, I tend to feel energetic and alive.... work that one out.
 
I'm incredibly self destructive.
But rather than go out of my way to destroy something I will simply ignore it.
Turn my back on it and pretend it isn't there.
Put it on the other side of my wall.
 
what goes up must come down... there are great times, and there are shit times. C'est la vie. I just think the brain needs a rest from releasing all those happy chemicals.....
 
ashaman - unfortunately its not sumfin i can blame on chems.... its something i've been doing all my life... well, for the last 10 years anyway...


its just like i dont actually wanna be happy... :(
 
ooooo this thread is too good bc I totally identify with what you're all saying...except I never think that anyone else does the same things.

I always do the whole "push people away before the can reject you." It is ridiculuous bc I can see myself doing it but am always powerless to stop it. Although I am a lot more aware of it now, so I will warn people "I'm going to try and push you away, pls don't let me." I've done it to rediculous levels though - I've moved countries and cities for fuckssake.

Basically I like make feeling myself feel like crap, so I will do things like push people away, treat people like crap, purposefully start arguments, or turn down social engagements... (God that sounds bad - I onl do it like once every 6 months I swear)

It always happens bc I have a wall, and I get close to people and freak out that they know me too well, and then I have to move away. I'm better though - think I'm working through it though - friends at least, boys however are a different matter. My mother fully picked up on it though, she goes, "why do you change your friends every year?" and Im like "uhhh...."

And dont even get me started on music. About once a week, I decide that everythings fucked, that I should give up and get a diff career. I get totally irrational, and fail to realise that I am good, i'm just loosing perspective.

urgh, :)
 
Like Shal said its good having threads like this because it does show that we are not on our own with this self destructive nature.

Catax said:
I'm incredibly self destructive.
But rather than go out of my way to destroy something I will simply ignore it.
Turn my back on it and pretend it isn't there.
Put it on the other side of my wall.
Click to expand...

I'm the same as you Catax I go into major denial. I shut myself off from everyone and i sleep (easily over 16hours a day) just so i don't have to deal with anything be it good things or bad things.

My close friends know that i can go into this cycle at any moment and i have asked them to try to keep in contact with me, help me be normal and forgive my behavior - but this might be asking too much from friends (they can only put up with being treated like shit for so long). :\
I think i just have to work it out for myself and just hope I don't drive everyone I care for away in the mean time.

I'm in two minds about posting this as I don't like talking about it but fuk it, I will.
 
i almost became psychotic last night due to lack of sleep and bottling shit up.
Thankfully, a bit of writing and good friends kept me sane :)

<3 to all
 
I used to go through life building more walls around me than a Beruit Brickie.
Yes it sucks when you get hurt, but if you build walls high enough you only end up looking in, and forget to see or feel the good things that are right in front of your face. It took me ten years to finallly admit to myself that i was totally in love with one of my closest friends, ten years of wondering what if. We ended up in bed together one night and promised each other we wouldn't let this affect our friendship, but neither of us had the balls to just come staright out and say "hey i love you, always have, lets just see where this will take us".She passed 4 weeks later. I've since (1 year on) just thought fuck it. Throw caution to the wind,what does happen might hurt me, but it can't be any worse than looking back wondering what might have happened. I'm sorry i realise this might be one those mushy responses you weren't looking for8( , but hey you know what your doing wrong so learn from the harsh lessons of others and know there are countless other people who feel just the same way as you.:)
 
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