Medications, spirituality and stability

[somethingswrong]

Not sure if this belongs here or in P&S. It's a philosophical crisis that's pushing me over the edge, when I'm already hanging onto the edge with one hand.

In the 23 years of my life, I've never used any hard drugs. I've only done and wanted to do psychedelics, I've only done dxm, dramamine, ketamine, 5-meo-dmt, 2t72 (or something like that) in all my life yet and don't have any further craving for the release psychedelics give, although I still want to experience proper hallucinogenics. Anyway, I overdid every one of the above drugs, for long periods of my life, for months and months (and constant on and off hashish smoking) during the past 4 or 5 years. I was suicidal and depressed since a long time before trying any drugs. I don't remember my childhood very well, what I do remember are good memories, of an intense, emotional, hazy and adventurous childhood. Don't know if there was any traumatic event then.

3 years ago I went into rehab for a month for too much IM ketamine and a suicide attempt in which I was rescued. Got on risperdal, lithium and tryptanol. Was on them for 2 years almost, when I successfully tapered off all of them and quit and stopped seeing my doctor. The time on meds I remember as being calm and content times, and a lack of something essential. I don't know what that was that I felt was missing, but I decided that meds were causing me to feel that huge lack and I quit them. I started smoking hashish a whole lot more often then before, daily now for more then a year.

I've always been confused about love and relations. I can't have any firm stable conceptions about them, I can't convince myself that I really am in touch with other people and vice versa, and that it's not just all a case of mutual misunderstanding with me and everyone else and I cannot feel that I know anyone, or that anyone knows me, at a level that matters. It all feels too superficial almost all the time. I've never been in a 'romantic' relation with any girl. I used to yearn for that. I've had strong crushes, which die down and I don't regret them. There's only been this one girl that's not left my head all these years, in a way which drives me insane. We've been friends almost 5 or 6 years. I confessed I loved her twice, over a period of a year. She didn't feel the same way for me. I didn't resent anything for that, she loves me unconditionally, that's something I know for a fact, but was honest and said she didn't feel that way for me. I didn't ever mention it again and honestly, I didn't get upset or anything over it but she seems to have become a lot more distant and reserved with me and that tears me up. I've never held any strong ideas about what 'love' is, just that its something I really want, and that I can't be sure what the 'man-woman' love is and that I shouldn't ever delude myself about it. i think I'm just obsessed over her, when she enters my mind that is.

When I think about her, or hear something about her, my mind sometimes spirals into a negative train of thought, bad emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes when its gotten combined with other less emotionally painful things going on in my life, have led to psychotic breaks (relatively mild ones though, compared to a few years ago). I want to get over her, move on, let in other people, let in anyone! and feel connection, feel understood and feel that I understand someone else. Love, friendship, family, I want to feel those connections but I can't for some reason. This makes me feel unstable almost aaaallll the time and although I 'function' bearably in social settings and practical stuff such as work and studies, there's always something missing! always! something thats off, that's wrong.

anyway, sorry for the disorganised and melodramatic nature of this post. I've been feeling like being in hell, for a long long time now. and life just gets narrower and narrower. I don't know how long I can hold on before snapping for good.

I want to ask, will getting on psychiatric meds take away my craving for some spiritual and emotional fulfillment (I'm an agnostic, I can't believe anything blindly no matter how much I would want to believe something). Basically, I'm afraid of becoming a zombie if I get on meds. Will I still have that intensity? Will the right combination of meds help avoid becoming a zombie? Why don't I feel love (I'm meaning love in a very general way here). Why doesn't anything, feel comfortable and secure anymore? people, ideas, things, events, adventures, they all fade into a foggy uncertain grey area, where nothing is certain. I want to stop feeling that, I want to feel certain about something worthwhile.

 

[Asclepius]

I went through that 'lack of feeling love or warmth' experience myself and it is a horrible and confusing place to be. Not believing in anything(I dont mean god in the religious sense here) and not feeling connected on any level, is a lonely dark state. I cant say I came out of it suddenly, I still have these experiences but I have seen a slow but rewarding evolution in myself.

First of all, I think your Concerns about becoming a 'Med Zombie' are very rational and Legitimate Concern to have. Have you discussed not taking Meds with your practitioner and the chance of exploring other Alternative routes?

I think myself that that obsessive type of feeling for someone is often a yearning for the Self. To get to understand the Self and Master the feelings we have. In order to master them we have to first feel the burden of them in their intensity. However being stuck in this, I would think, is a symtom of not dealing with this in the right way.
Real relationships, as comfortable as good ones are, almost never keep that intensity of Romantic love. Romantic love is simply a feeling and a yearning. Addictive as it is, as pleasant and painful as it is, it is never a Constant.
Life and people are full of Superficial bullshit, this is a fact but it is intertwined with a deeper, genuine reality; its just a matter of weeding out the real stuff from the illusion. Its a struggle to find it but it does exist. We ourselves are intrinsically caught in this superficiality, no one on this earth is a Saint! Sometimes, realising our own flaws can dispell the fear that we are going to be annihalated by a Cancerous, Self-Serving World. You can't change it but you can change yourself; the attitude you have, what you choose to believe/not, what meets your needs, forming values/principles based on your experience etc . Perhaps you are looking for Love/Understanding in all the wrong places?
Anyway, hope more people will be able to shed some more light on your problem especially with regard to Meds...take it easy on yourself and try to ease off with the pressure as much as you can.

 

[Legerity]

I can really relate to what you are saying. For a long time I was unable to really feel any connection with anybody. I felt worthless, as if I didn't really exist, and didn't think it was possible for somebody to accept me as I was. All my interactions were hollow and I just preferred to keep to myself rather than deal with the anxiety and frustration of other people. This can change, you just have to remove whatever blockages you have that are preventing you from feeling these connections. We carry our wounds with us and unless we let ourselves feel them and let go at some point then all sorts of emotional and spiritual blockages start to develop.

Meds can go both ways. They can help take the edge off and allow you to better work on the underlying issues, or they can sedate you and make it easier to avoid dealing with them. I found a good psychiatrist that has me on a low dose of Xanax and he will not up the dose; if it stops working then it's time to wean me off. I was hesitant for a long time to take any prescription medications but if I didn't at this point I was guaranteed to have a breakdown. If you feel that medication will benefit you, then it is certainly a possibility to explore.

Regarding relationships, in my opinion "romance" is one of most superficial ideas that we have created in our culture. We just have to look around to see that it is not something that lasts in long-term relationships, and the majority of people do not end up staying together. I do feel that there is a more "real" love that is unconditional although I really don't think this is what the majority of people in relationships are experiencing. It's easy to feel alienated when you don't share similar views of what love is, but I've come more and more to accept that I'm not willing let society decide what a relationship is supposed to be like, or how I am supposed to express love for somebody.

I've twisted myself into a big mess obsessing about girls after a breakup. It's pretty much the most painful thing that you can do to yourself. If you can work on filling that spiritual and emotional void that you mention, then perhaps the intensity if your attachment to your friend will decrease.

So yeah man I can really relate with everything you are saying. Look what you were able to do, express yourself honestly and allow me to connect with you on an emotional level even though I have no idea who you are. That's a beautiful thing. So don't think you are a zombie, you just have to remove the blockages to experience that which is there whether you are aware of it or not.

 

[jonaz]

i think that feeling like you lack something "essential" in order to be happy;
is the way nature programmed us to be.

this way we will go looking for a girl, for sex, for having children, for having companions etc.
it's all meant to stimulate us to procreate and to protect our family against outside threads.
nature wants us to survive; but unfortunately our natural instincts often make us unhappy.

when were not contributing to the gene pool, or if we're physically sick,
nature will make us feel unhappy... so we would know we need to avoid such situation to repeat itself in the future.





if u want to feel happy then you need to learn the art of contentment.
contentment means relaxing. let go of trying to get something in order to make you happy.
let go of trying to change anything about any situation.

if the girls dig you, good. if the girls don't dig you, good.
never attach yourself emotionally to anything, whether it's your car, your woman or your kid.
you can lose everything you have any time of the day; and the people you "love" can turn against you any time of the day.

stressing about things don't help you.
concentrate your mind on yourself, watch yourself.
see how the stress dominates you absolutely.
every thought you have and action you make, is caused by stress.
this is nature.


to be happy, you need to let go of the stress.
and finally, let go of trying to let go of the stress.
this is the way to truely relax;

and enter the domain of timeless existance.
like being high, but sober.

if your not suicidal, i would not recommend you go back on drugs.
relying on drugs to relax carries the risk that you will not become any better at relaxing when sober,
and quite possibly get worse at it.

 

[Lord]

I feel the same way, I used to get these tingling sensations when I remembered things from my childhood, now I get flashbacks of the times when I had those flashbacks and feel so much closer to death. Meds, particularly antipsychotics, can cause these symptoms in me. Also, I was put on risperidone for about half a year, then prozac for about half a year, as well as Lorazepam (all at lowish doses), and really its a mix of several bad things that happened in my childhood but Im left with a very peculiar impression that the few years following cessation (and coming back home) were strangely dull, in a way which is comparable to the feeling I get from seroquel. But the good feelings come back, its all about time and health.


The past is grey and you cant help but feel like part of you, and part of everything and everyone youve known, has disappeared.

Indeed, meds can go both ways, just find a good, educated doctor.

 

[Lolie]

You might find this thread useful.

http://bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=499604

 

[Jabberwocky]

I want to ask, will getting on psychiatric meds take away my craving for some spiritual and emotional fulfillment (I'm an agnostic, I can't believe anything blindly no matter how much I would want to believe something). Basically, I'm afraid of becoming a zombie if I get on meds.

Maybe, but if the meds are overly sedating, cause a lack of interest or drive, or otherwise have effects that are unsatisfactory in the areas you are concerned about you will be able to recognize it and negotiate for a different dose or a different agent. I wouldn't not try them on the basis they could be a problem. That sort of risk never seems to stop us when it comes to recreational drugs.

 

[unsettled]

I was afraid of becoming a zombie on meds too. I noticed that the SSRI's made me feel zombie like, while Wellbutrin and later ADD stimulant meds did the opposite, they brought me out of that funk and helped me feel more connected to life and more motivated to make positive changes. Different people will be helped by different meds/combinations of meds.

Obviously every individual is different and if you don't need meds then stay away from them, if you're working with a good doctor and you feel like you need them I think they can help. Personally I think you'll grow past some of these problems because you are still young, you are also very aware of what's is bothering you and are trying to find a positive way to deal with your problems.

As far as the girl goes, I'd try and keep my distance if I were you. I've been in this situation and I think most have, it's completely normal. The best thing for you would be to cut her out of your life as much as you can because she is causing you too much pain. By letting go of her you'll leave room for someone else to come along. I understand she is a friend of yours and that your friendship with her is important, but it's not worth you being miserable.

I went through a similar situation with a girl friend of mine recently and only got relief when I told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. It was hard since we hung out every day and night but she had a boyfriend and I didn't feel right about it. She now calls me regularly with some excuse to try and get me to hang out with her and I find a way out of it every time. If a friendship or relationship is meant to be it'll work out in time, if it's causing you pain let it go for awhile. Easier said than done and I swear it doesn't get any easier even after you've been through it before but it'll be worth it to you.