pcer
Bluelighter
these are a few things running through my crazy mind on thanksgiving break. first, to tell a little about myself, shy, somewhat conservative, yet very open and social, rolling actually brought that side of me to the forefront. never an "experimenter" with other drugs, can't take liquor but treasure hanging out and having solid freindships, very much a thinker and ponderer, have things buzzing in my head all the time. being back in school after undergrad is kind of ....exhausting studying medicine and trying hard to maintain my friendships, and starting new ones with very little time. Anywayz... just a few thoughts i had when i felt a little depressed and down during thanksgiving break, none of my friends were around and i chilled at their apartment although they were away and i really didn't feel like going back to my family at that time. popped 5 pills within 3 hours, i know, a bit excessive and had a mental blowing up i guess for about 2 days..this was what was going on in my mind. i saw a human being in space, naked with the worlds, earths, whatever in the background, very surreal, then there was a light, like a sword that cut the human in half and then the other half, like a cross and at that moment i thought that a major mystery of the world, meaning of life was presented to me. i realized that man, had broken the dna code, you know, encoded the human genome and was able to manipulate their future like never before, no other species has every jumped so far ahead by their own means. i realized that the internet and technology was able to advance mankind in supernatural leaps, way ahead of what should be? im not a looney, just a normal human being who thinks maybe a bit too much and took too many pills without friends around. this revelation depressed and saddened me, then another picture came up in my mind, of tattered like tin homes, built in nowhere's, maybe the south? i saw a large black woman and her child, dirty walking in to go to sleep, i realized that this was not the past but still the present where people are paid nothing to do hard manual labour, the only thing they know, that rent in these run down filthy cottages was astronomical, and that the only money they had left was to buy the expensive "snacks" in the only convenient store around for many many miles, a vicious cycle of exploitation and poverty, of the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. this too saddened me deeply. lastly, i saw an old woman, sitting in a run-down filthy house, all alone, and broken, with no family or people that cared for her. i cried while i was laying there. i know, you may say as you read this that this guy is too depressing and has a mental imbalance. well, too be honest, ive finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist, for ive had ups and downs for many years but ive always plowed ahead, school, independence, etc.. whatever was needed to be done. ive dappered in x because a few of my close friends had tried it and really really enjoyed the social aspects of it. but i know that when i get sober, i can get down unless i plan efficiently and wisely on where i do it and who's around me. however, despite the isolation i put myself in, and the pressures and stresses of first year med school i believe that these images that were so vivid during thanksgiving break was not all imaginary or fake, these images affect me, and have affected me in the past, present, and probably the future i just never want to get that down again, for you may never believe it but im a very positive, optimistic and idealistic individual, except upon myself. peace....
