Combatant
Bluelighter
I'm going to preface this by apologizing for the length. I wrote this for myself and decided to post it to see if anyone could shoot me some feedback.
5 PM – It’s beautiful outside, the sun is going to be setting in an hour or so, and I have no work to do – no exams for another two weeks. 'B' and I debate for 15 minutes or so as to whether or not we should take the pills.
5:15 – We decide to take the pills. Each pill is about 150mg (incredible, but true). This is going to be the first time that I’m rolling someplace other than a rave or a house party – I’m still not sure if I’m going to be able to enjoy myself or if I’m going to feel restless the whole time. 'B' and I go get some Gatorade, then go back to the top floor balcony in our dorm to watch the sunset and wait for the pills to kick in.
5:45-6 – The pills have begun to kick in, and the sunset is utterly amazing. The sun has dropped below the tree tops, but the light is still hitting the clouds. I’m going to try my best to describe the clouds. The tops were purple with an orange hue, and they kind of cascaded towards the bottom of the sky, thinning out towards the bottom. I would say that the top of th4 clouds occupied 20 degrees of the sky, with the ‘cascade’ taking another ten. The cascade was moving ever so subtly, so subtle that I couldn’t tell if the movement was real or due to the drug. While we were outside several of our friends came out to join us for a cigarette, some of them knew that we were rolling and others didn’t.
6-6:30 – We are moving back and forth between the balcony and our rooms for a bit, until we realize that we can bring music onto the balcony! An incredible idea. So we stayed out there, talking and smoking cigarettes with whoever came along. Revelation: I’ve been living with these people, my friends, for six months now. It was last night that I was truly able, for the first time, to see exactly what kind of friends most of them are. 'J', 'B', and 'P' are my true friends – not as close as my two best friends at home, but people who I can honestly say I love. 'W' and 'P' (different than the first P) are also true friends, people who I can always count on. 'B' and 'J', people who I would usually call my friends, are more of acquaintances. This is something that I have always known, but I never admitted to myself. I always wanted to think of all of them as my true friends, but I realize that next year, when we don’t all live on the same floor, 'J', 'B' and 'P' are the only three people that I know I’m going to stay tight with. This might not sound like a revelation, but for me to admit that to myself is big. [sorry about all the intials, this was a journal entry that I edited for the report]
7-8 – 'B' and I get tired of the dorm, and decide to boost with a half pill each and then walk around campus a bit (I had already boosted with another half around 6, 6:15). Never before have I realized how intricate the architecture at my school is. Every building was incredible, both on a large scale and in its subtleties. 'B' and I try to stop in the chapel to meditate, but when we open the doors there is some kind of a performance going on, and we had to leave. We walked up to the quad, through the main walkway, and sat in front of Brookings Hall, the largest building on campus, with the St. Louis skyline peeking over the trees behind us. We just sat, stared, and talked for about ten minutes. There was a middle-aged man walking towards us with his daughter, who was no more than three years old. 'B' and I were sitting in the middle of the path smoking cigarettes, and it was obvious that the man was somewhat timid of walking by us with his daughter. It was such a contrast between the two people – the man standing still, waiting for us to leave, with his daughter running around; looking, observing, laughing. It was incredible. 'B' and I left at my bequest so that the man and his daughter could continue on their way (thinking back, the man probably wasn’t afraid, although he did leave within several seconds of 'B' and I moving on).
9 – 'B' and I get back to the dorms. There is only a half a pill left, so 'B' and I decide to split it so that I wouldn’t have to have it in my room any longer. We were starting on our descent into normalcy. I have rolled ten times prior to this in the span of a year, and I can tell that the negative effects are building. The main problem is that I have trouble remembering some of what went on, especially in this time period. It’s a blank.
10 – Almost all the way down, but sill definitively up (you know what I mean), it’s time to post-load. 100mg 5-HTP each, 2 general anti-oxidants, and a multi-purpose vitamin (the kind you take every day). I swallowed all but one anti-oxidant, and then realized that it wasn’t sitting well with me. Vomit – in the trash can. I apologized profusely to 'B' and 'E', who happened to be in the room at the time. I’m still not sure if it bothered either of them, but I felt that it did and that an apology was in order. Out to the balcony – more vomit. It was mostly dry heaves, and the pills stayed down, only the tiniest bit of liquid came out (maybe enough to fill 2 shot glasses).
11 – I start smoking a bit to take the edge off the comedown; 'B' goes to sleep. 'B' was a little depressed coming down. I explained to him that it was all part of the experience, and that chasing the feeling is never a good thing to do. It’s natural to not feel great coming down, but it’s something you have to accept as inevitable. Bob decided to go to sleep, I stayed up and chilled for another 2 or 3 hours, smoking occasionally and talking to people.
2:30 – Bedtime. Another 100mg 5-HTP (with some food this time!) and a muscle relaxant (Skelaxin). The skelaxin serves two purposes: it helps put me to sleep and it eases the ache of the jaw clenching, which I have been getting pretty bad lately.
Overall, I have to say that I have definitely had more fun when I’ve rolled, but I have never had as good of an experience as last night. I have decided that I have little more that I can take from MDMA at this point in my life – I’m pretty much done with it for now. Maybe once in the summer, but we’ll see then. One thing that I’m very proud of is that I see myself becoming not a more responsible drug user, but more aware of myself in relation to my use – I’m taking a lot more from it. My use is becoming less and less escapist and more and more about self-exploration and exploration of my relationships with others and the world around me.
5 PM – It’s beautiful outside, the sun is going to be setting in an hour or so, and I have no work to do – no exams for another two weeks. 'B' and I debate for 15 minutes or so as to whether or not we should take the pills.
5:15 – We decide to take the pills. Each pill is about 150mg (incredible, but true). This is going to be the first time that I’m rolling someplace other than a rave or a house party – I’m still not sure if I’m going to be able to enjoy myself or if I’m going to feel restless the whole time. 'B' and I go get some Gatorade, then go back to the top floor balcony in our dorm to watch the sunset and wait for the pills to kick in.
5:45-6 – The pills have begun to kick in, and the sunset is utterly amazing. The sun has dropped below the tree tops, but the light is still hitting the clouds. I’m going to try my best to describe the clouds. The tops were purple with an orange hue, and they kind of cascaded towards the bottom of the sky, thinning out towards the bottom. I would say that the top of th4 clouds occupied 20 degrees of the sky, with the ‘cascade’ taking another ten. The cascade was moving ever so subtly, so subtle that I couldn’t tell if the movement was real or due to the drug. While we were outside several of our friends came out to join us for a cigarette, some of them knew that we were rolling and others didn’t.
6-6:30 – We are moving back and forth between the balcony and our rooms for a bit, until we realize that we can bring music onto the balcony! An incredible idea. So we stayed out there, talking and smoking cigarettes with whoever came along. Revelation: I’ve been living with these people, my friends, for six months now. It was last night that I was truly able, for the first time, to see exactly what kind of friends most of them are. 'J', 'B', and 'P' are my true friends – not as close as my two best friends at home, but people who I can honestly say I love. 'W' and 'P' (different than the first P) are also true friends, people who I can always count on. 'B' and 'J', people who I would usually call my friends, are more of acquaintances. This is something that I have always known, but I never admitted to myself. I always wanted to think of all of them as my true friends, but I realize that next year, when we don’t all live on the same floor, 'J', 'B' and 'P' are the only three people that I know I’m going to stay tight with. This might not sound like a revelation, but for me to admit that to myself is big. [sorry about all the intials, this was a journal entry that I edited for the report]
7-8 – 'B' and I get tired of the dorm, and decide to boost with a half pill each and then walk around campus a bit (I had already boosted with another half around 6, 6:15). Never before have I realized how intricate the architecture at my school is. Every building was incredible, both on a large scale and in its subtleties. 'B' and I try to stop in the chapel to meditate, but when we open the doors there is some kind of a performance going on, and we had to leave. We walked up to the quad, through the main walkway, and sat in front of Brookings Hall, the largest building on campus, with the St. Louis skyline peeking over the trees behind us. We just sat, stared, and talked for about ten minutes. There was a middle-aged man walking towards us with his daughter, who was no more than three years old. 'B' and I were sitting in the middle of the path smoking cigarettes, and it was obvious that the man was somewhat timid of walking by us with his daughter. It was such a contrast between the two people – the man standing still, waiting for us to leave, with his daughter running around; looking, observing, laughing. It was incredible. 'B' and I left at my bequest so that the man and his daughter could continue on their way (thinking back, the man probably wasn’t afraid, although he did leave within several seconds of 'B' and I moving on).
9 – 'B' and I get back to the dorms. There is only a half a pill left, so 'B' and I decide to split it so that I wouldn’t have to have it in my room any longer. We were starting on our descent into normalcy. I have rolled ten times prior to this in the span of a year, and I can tell that the negative effects are building. The main problem is that I have trouble remembering some of what went on, especially in this time period. It’s a blank.
10 – Almost all the way down, but sill definitively up (you know what I mean), it’s time to post-load. 100mg 5-HTP each, 2 general anti-oxidants, and a multi-purpose vitamin (the kind you take every day). I swallowed all but one anti-oxidant, and then realized that it wasn’t sitting well with me. Vomit – in the trash can. I apologized profusely to 'B' and 'E', who happened to be in the room at the time. I’m still not sure if it bothered either of them, but I felt that it did and that an apology was in order. Out to the balcony – more vomit. It was mostly dry heaves, and the pills stayed down, only the tiniest bit of liquid came out (maybe enough to fill 2 shot glasses).
11 – I start smoking a bit to take the edge off the comedown; 'B' goes to sleep. 'B' was a little depressed coming down. I explained to him that it was all part of the experience, and that chasing the feeling is never a good thing to do. It’s natural to not feel great coming down, but it’s something you have to accept as inevitable. Bob decided to go to sleep, I stayed up and chilled for another 2 or 3 hours, smoking occasionally and talking to people.
2:30 – Bedtime. Another 100mg 5-HTP (with some food this time!) and a muscle relaxant (Skelaxin). The skelaxin serves two purposes: it helps put me to sleep and it eases the ache of the jaw clenching, which I have been getting pretty bad lately.
Overall, I have to say that I have definitely had more fun when I’ve rolled, but I have never had as good of an experience as last night. I have decided that I have little more that I can take from MDMA at this point in my life – I’m pretty much done with it for now. Maybe once in the summer, but we’ll see then. One thing that I’m very proud of is that I see myself becoming not a more responsible drug user, but more aware of myself in relation to my use – I’m taking a lot more from it. My use is becoming less and less escapist and more and more about self-exploration and exploration of my relationships with others and the world around me.
