Ecstasy (experienced) -- Saved my life?
*Attention* This is rather long, but PLEASE take the time to read all of it.
Anyone who knows me, knows...well, they know that I haven't been too good emotionally lately. My depression hit an all-time high (low?) yesterday. Work...was horrible to say the least. My depression caused my temper to flare more than once at people (I apologized to those people later on in the night). I remember, at work sitting at one of my breaks, asking God (yes, God of all people) for a sign, for anything...a guy named Leon came out right as I was asking (he had asked me before if anything was wrong, and I told him no)...he came over to me sitting there with my head between my hands, and asked me if he could help at all. Was this God telling me something? Probably not.
::Shrugs:: Oh well.
I was just a mess. The thought of death was all too familiar to me. I thought about killing myself a lot more than once or twice. Pretty much every day I would inch closer and closer to doing the deed. So that's basically where I stood last night, my "crucial night" so to speak. I was gonna do it. My life was going to be over. When I got home from work late last night (around 11:15 pm I think), I remembered the two rolls that guy Leon sold me for $20. Yes, Leon. Maybe it was a sign hidden in disguise. Yes, I'd take ecstasy tonight, my last night alive I thought.
I had taken antidepressants (SSRIs) for 2 weeks and had taken myself off of them for about 4-5 days (no, not because rolling was in my mind). I just couldn't deal with how they made me feel. Last night, I had no idea if the roll would work, if I would feel anything. I swallowed it anyways at around 11:30 pm.
I was just at home, by myself, the usual after work. Around 11:45 pm, I decided to go outside to my car and smoke a bowl, my nightly ritual when I get home from work. I stay out there till a little after midnight I think, hoping that the roll would kick in soon. The moonroof was open in my car and I laid my head back, gazing up at the stars. They looked so clear that night, so...beautiful. The weed had started to make me slightly paranoid about being outside, so I got some cd's and went in the quiet house. I was high. Really really high. But only off the weed. After a quick look in the mirror to see if my pupils were dilated (they were not), I went and sat at my computer, starting talking briefly with my online friends. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
My hands started sweating, a little odd, but I just pushed it aside as me being nervous about killing myself and wondering if the pill would kick in or not. I even IMed a friend online telling him the rolling was a big negatory and that nothing was happening. This time it was way after midnight and I decided just to go to the kitchen and grab large amounts of pills and just lie in my bed and die peacefully. I don't even think I reached the kitchen doorway when I felt the headrush. I had to sit down, fast. It hit me so hard, I sat down on the couch and stared at the television in amazement.
It was so odd. Everything was SO much clearer. I got up and went to my bedroom and looked in the mirror at my eyes. Wow. Then, I looked in the mirror at myself as a whole. I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smiled. I actually liked who I saw in the reflection. I was beautiful! My hair was all pulled back and I had NO makeup on. Yet I was beautiful. My horribly distorted body image was gone. I was on top of the world.
Now, this is when my times get a little fuzzy. I am not good at all at keeping tabs on the time. I remember talking to various people online (Erin, Zarah, and a couple others throughout the night), and I remember calling Erin to see how she was doing, and I know I talked to a very drunk Vaaguh in IRC chat.
Basically though, to make a long story short (probably too late for that ), I had a beautiful night, reflecting on various people and points in my life. I figured out exactly how close-minded I was being to those I work with, thinking no one was my friend, thinking I could trust no one. When it all boiled down, I just wasn't being true/honest/trustworthy to myself. I was letting my heart get bitter with pains of the past, and I was actually gonna let the pains of the past get the best of me and kill me! I realized the voices in my head are pure evil and that I'm not ugly at all. Through the night, smoking various bowls and taking deep breathes to inhale all the smoke made me realize that I am breathing. I am alive. I am a good person who is nice, intelligent, and gosh darnit, I am fucking worth something! Looking at the clear night sky filled with stars opened me up to a whole new world. A world full of fascinating people whom I should be able to trust.
Now that I think back to all the times I've tried/wanted to kill myself, I honestly could not find any good reason why I would have done it. Because of people who have hurt me in the past? Not a good reason. Because of me thinking that I was ugly and that no one liked me and I could trust no one? Bad reason, really bad. There was no reason for it, I was just trying to use it as an escape from the pain, but I know now how permanent that escape would be. It's not what I wanted.
So today, August 9th 2002, I can honestly say that ecstasy saved my life. It opened my mind, and cleared it, so I could see things in a totally different perspective. I can also honestly say that if it weren't for that little pill, I would not be here today, writing this for everyone. I know that there will be times in the future that I will want to give up again and things will get overwhelming, but...I want my mind to be open to it, so instead of blocking everything off and immediately hating everything, I will take things as they come, and have to learn how to accept them and deal with consequences. And times will get hard, but again, I will be able to deal with them as they come to me.
Again, sorry this is so long, I hope you guys all read this to the end.
~Jamie
*Attention* This is rather long, but PLEASE take the time to read all of it.
Anyone who knows me, knows...well, they know that I haven't been too good emotionally lately. My depression hit an all-time high (low?) yesterday. Work...was horrible to say the least. My depression caused my temper to flare more than once at people (I apologized to those people later on in the night). I remember, at work sitting at one of my breaks, asking God (yes, God of all people) for a sign, for anything...a guy named Leon came out right as I was asking (he had asked me before if anything was wrong, and I told him no)...he came over to me sitting there with my head between my hands, and asked me if he could help at all. Was this God telling me something? Probably not.
::Shrugs:: Oh well.
I was just a mess. The thought of death was all too familiar to me. I thought about killing myself a lot more than once or twice. Pretty much every day I would inch closer and closer to doing the deed. So that's basically where I stood last night, my "crucial night" so to speak. I was gonna do it. My life was going to be over. When I got home from work late last night (around 11:15 pm I think), I remembered the two rolls that guy Leon sold me for $20. Yes, Leon. Maybe it was a sign hidden in disguise. Yes, I'd take ecstasy tonight, my last night alive I thought.
I had taken antidepressants (SSRIs) for 2 weeks and had taken myself off of them for about 4-5 days (no, not because rolling was in my mind). I just couldn't deal with how they made me feel. Last night, I had no idea if the roll would work, if I would feel anything. I swallowed it anyways at around 11:30 pm.
I was just at home, by myself, the usual after work. Around 11:45 pm, I decided to go outside to my car and smoke a bowl, my nightly ritual when I get home from work. I stay out there till a little after midnight I think, hoping that the roll would kick in soon. The moonroof was open in my car and I laid my head back, gazing up at the stars. They looked so clear that night, so...beautiful. The weed had started to make me slightly paranoid about being outside, so I got some cd's and went in the quiet house. I was high. Really really high. But only off the weed. After a quick look in the mirror to see if my pupils were dilated (they were not), I went and sat at my computer, starting talking briefly with my online friends. Nothing too out of the ordinary.
My hands started sweating, a little odd, but I just pushed it aside as me being nervous about killing myself and wondering if the pill would kick in or not. I even IMed a friend online telling him the rolling was a big negatory and that nothing was happening. This time it was way after midnight and I decided just to go to the kitchen and grab large amounts of pills and just lie in my bed and die peacefully. I don't even think I reached the kitchen doorway when I felt the headrush. I had to sit down, fast. It hit me so hard, I sat down on the couch and stared at the television in amazement.
It was so odd. Everything was SO much clearer. I got up and went to my bedroom and looked in the mirror at my eyes. Wow. Then, I looked in the mirror at myself as a whole. I did something I haven't done in a long time. I smiled. I actually liked who I saw in the reflection. I was beautiful! My hair was all pulled back and I had NO makeup on. Yet I was beautiful. My horribly distorted body image was gone. I was on top of the world.
Now, this is when my times get a little fuzzy. I am not good at all at keeping tabs on the time. I remember talking to various people online (Erin, Zarah, and a couple others throughout the night), and I remember calling Erin to see how she was doing, and I know I talked to a very drunk Vaaguh in IRC chat.
Basically though, to make a long story short (probably too late for that
), I had a beautiful night, reflecting on various people and points in my life. I figured out exactly how close-minded I was being to those I work with, thinking no one was my friend, thinking I could trust no one. When it all boiled down, I just wasn't being true/honest/trustworthy to myself. I was letting my heart get bitter with pains of the past, and I was actually gonna let the pains of the past get the best of me and kill me! I realized the voices in my head are pure evil and that I'm not ugly at all. Through the night, smoking various bowls and taking deep breathes to inhale all the smoke made me realize that I am breathing. I am alive. I am a good person who is nice, intelligent, and gosh darnit, I am fucking worth something! Looking at the clear night sky filled with stars opened me up to a whole new world. A world full of fascinating people whom I should be able to trust.Now that I think back to all the times I've tried/wanted to kill myself, I honestly could not find any good reason why I would have done it. Because of people who have hurt me in the past? Not a good reason. Because of me thinking that I was ugly and that no one liked me and I could trust no one? Bad reason, really bad. There was no reason for it, I was just trying to use it as an escape from the pain, but I know now how permanent that escape would be. It's not what I wanted.
So today, August 9th 2002, I can honestly say that ecstasy saved my life. It opened my mind, and cleared it, so I could see things in a totally different perspective. I can also honestly say that if it weren't for that little pill, I would not be here today, writing this for everyone. I know that there will be times in the future that I will want to give up again and things will get overwhelming, but...I want my mind to be open to it, so instead of blocking everything off and immediately hating everything, I will take things as they come, and have to learn how to accept them and deal with consequences. And times will get hard, but again, I will be able to deal with them as they come to me.
Again, sorry this is so long, I hope you guys all read this to the end.
~Jamie
