TDS Marijuana Addiction & Anxiety/Depression - Help!

[omswamiji]

This is my first post not sure how this all going to work or if anyone will actually read this but here's my story.


I living in London and Im now 19 years of age and have been smoking weed since the age of 13 and a everyday user since i was the age of 16, I was a fairly confident guy my whole life even though i was smoking weed every single day, it used to be a very social thing for me and id rarely smoke on my own.

When i was 16 i dropped out of college because i wasn't down with the long commute and decided i might as well just go and get a job as i was unsure of what i wanted to do and so i had very little motivation to study, i was working on a construction site and at this point i was happy because i was earning good money for my age and was going out a lot meeting girls etc, i wasn't even aware that smoking weed every day was an addiction it was just something i loved i didnt feel like it held me back a lot.

id say about a year ago i started getting really anxious about stuff and was having panic attacks every day and this caused me to quit my job because i couldn't deal with anything anymore work, friends, going out etc, it was all so horrendous for me, i slowly lost all my confidence and my social life became non-existent, for about 6 months all i did was stay at home all day and smoke weed, i was almost agoraphobic you could say bar going out to buy weed and maybe getting some stuff from the shops which was extremely difficult for me.

my parents were very supportive of me but almost felt like there was nothing they could do to help me as i was in such resistance, ( we all know you cant help someone who doesn't want help) i wasn't open with my friends about it i just kept making excuses hoping in the end they would just stop asking me to come out and do things which they did, i even made up some bullshit to a girl i was with at the time on how my feelings had changed which broke her heart and mine, but was all just because i couldn't face seeing her anymore as id feel so paranoid and be having panic attacks etc i felt so ashamed of the person i was and felt like if i told her the truth about what was going on she wouldn't understand and it would have just torn her up more, i didn't want medication or to stop smoking weed i just wanted to be left alone, almost embarrassed about my situation, it was like by me smoking so much weed it just putting a pillow over the awful situation i was in, i was numb to my emotions i would just smoke a joint instead of deal with them, I took no action to get better ( real action, not reading about it, spiritual teachings etc), despite my parents setting up therapists etc i just wouldn't go it was too frightening ,

i got so sick of this i decided i couldn't stand it any longer and i booked a holiday to cyprus for some sun, sea and NO WEED, i thought it would be my chance to heal and face what i was scared of, Getting on a plane and all of that was the most horrendous experience of my life i couldnt sleep for 2 nights before i went and almost bailed on it, when i arrived I have to say the withdrawals were so intense i felt like i was dying, my anxiety was worse by 10 fold, i had a feeling of hopelessness and was having suicidal thoughts everyday and i just couldn't handle it, it was like for the first time i had came face to face with my depression that i hadn't even noticed properly before, strangely i was managing to go to the beach and go out to eat and stuff (not much appetite).

I had to do everything i could to distract myself on holiday as i thought if i just stayed in the hotel i would end up doing something stupid. everything was so unenjoyable i was lying on the beach in the sun feeling like i wanted to die and i think because i was in such a beautiful place it made me feel worse about it, My social anxiety started to vanish slightly but i can tell you now it was one of the worst experiences of my life but definitely something that needed to happen, all my emotions that i was hiding from over 3 years hit me in two weeks but it did help me get some clarity back on my life and plans for the future etc ( i dont want be a construction worker my whole life )

Im not 100% blaming all of this on weed but i think it was a huge contributing factor. it has been a month since the holiday and i still haven't smoked im having cravings every day still and find it quite hard to sleep, im definitely better as im able to go out a bit more like meet my friends and im back in the gym now. not back at work just yet, thankfully they still kept my job open for me, ( such a blessing i know ) if anyone would like to share their perception on what I've been going through would be so much appreciated, or if anyone have had an experience similar? one day i would love to enjoy weed again but in moderation and i think im not a strong enough person to do that at the moment and extremely fearful of falling back into the same patterns, sorry the post is so long, i really do appreciate it if someone took the time to read this.


hope you're all doing okay.


Much love

 

[spacejunk]

Hey, welcome to bluelight.

Sounds like you've been bottling a lot of emotions up and trying to smother them in a fog of self-medication - and that you had a pretty horrible time when you stopped smoking and were hit by all the stuff that you've been trying to suppress.

It sounds to me like you could really benefit from seeing a counsellor and working on some of the things you're having trouble with - career, relationships and your substance use.

Weed can really lead you into a coccoon-type existence if you use it when you are depressed and/or anxious, and can perpetuate feelings of depression and anxiety by making it harder to connect with people, being more introverted than you already are.

If you have any drug counselling services available to you, i would recommend making use of them, as they can be really helpful in tackling some of the issues that have led you to where you're at now - and help you make some positive steps towards a healthier, more balanced and happy life.

To me it sounds like drug use is just a part of what is going on for you, but that gaining control of your cannabis use is probably the first step in finding the perspective you need to take control of the other parts of your life.
Keep working at it, you'll get there.
You're young and have a lot of choices laid out in front of you.
I was amazed when i stopped smoking heaps of weed recently how much more clarity i had in my thought processes!
Take care mate

 

[herbavore]

You are doing the right thing by staying away from weed. Weed can cause paranoia and social anxiety in some people that is really intense. It can also just exacerbate these feelings if they were already present. Stick with that and take your parents up on the therapy. It may take a ton of courage to go, more to open up but I think you will see that having someone able to reflect back to you the way that this is all a construct of your own thoughts will give you the slight separation you need to objectively and rationally observe those thoughts--and ultimately change them.

Also don't discount your age and your stage of life. I think it is very natural for people to suffer through extreme uncertainty and confusing emotional states at your age. Adult life is confusing as hell! Our cultures act like you should just be able to step smoothly into some fabulous plan that will bring you security and happiness and when that doesn't happen we tend to turn it all inward against ourselves. Beware of the trap of negative self-talk.

 

[omswamiji]

Hey, thank you very much for your response. Yeah i have definitely been bottling them up and self-medicating. Yeah when i was back in the Uk i went to a drugs recovery center but personally it wassnt for me. The people there were all addicted to much harder drugs and alcohol. A lot of the stuff they were offering didnt seem like it was going to be much use to me, i think its down to me to make the right changes. Im going to sort out some counseling to help be get to the bottom of this, im feeling confident enough i can at least get there now and sit in a room without having to want to escape etc. Yeah definitely! good for you, i think weed is really quite an amazing plant but if you abuse her she going to really mess you up. I think once i have regained full control and going in the right direction i will start to think about bring it back in but in moderation, Maybe book a trip to jamaica or something like that, Smoke some proper sensi haha! i have a friend at work who only smokes when he goes abroad, gives him a good balance on work and play. Also gives him good motivation throughout the year.

thanks again for your response, much appreciated.

 

[omswamiji]

You are doing the right thing by staying away from weed. Weed can cause paranoia and social anxiety in some people that is really intense. It can also just exacerbate these feelings if they were already present. Stick with that and take your parents up on the therapy. It may take a ton of courage to go, more to open up but I think you will see that having someone able to reflect back to you the way that this is all a construct of your own thoughts will give you the slight separation you need to objectively and rationally observe those thoughts--and ultimately change them.

 

[omswamiji]

Hey, Yes its definitely something I'm opened to now. I will do all i can to get full control again and not have all these horrible emotions and feelings, Yes i can completely agree with you! You Hit the nail on the head there haha! This has taught me not to entertain all those negative thoughts i think and focus more on the positive stuff. So very true i think one of the main factors is im seeing a lot of my friends doing well and moving on with there lives and im stuck in the same job i was doing since i was 16. None the less i do love it, Its a good laugh plus boss is more of a friend than anything. But i think it was when i looked at the Older guys there who had family's and were really struggling to survive it made me realise i cant be like that. They also have daily weed or alcohol dependencies and i can tell you they are the furthest thing away from happiness but of course, all that drug abuse puts a brave smile on their faces and forces them to make 0 change about their situation.

Thanks so much for your response, take care