![crazynate:]](/community/data/avatars/m/137/137514.jpg?1554214575){kind=avatar}
crazynate:]
Bluelighter
I have come to a point where I really am anxious to take my life into my own hands, and the only thing holding me back is my mom. I love her and she cares for me but I gotta break the tension... Since a little more than a month ago i have been clean from everything (minus cigarettes
My mom was going to send me to rehab because I OD'd... I decided against that because there was no way I was going to risk graduating over something that could be handled in more productive ways. So to put her and my family at ease, I started going to NA meetings. I met some really cool people and have a sponsor that I like. Lately tho, I have been thinking that when I go to meetings and become involved in NA, the fact that "YOU ARE AN ADDICT" is thrown in my face everyday and I am beginning to wonder if all the anxiety and restlessness, that has built up since being clean, could be avoided by not going to meetings but still keeping a swell network of people with clean time. Also I have realized, with the help of a friend, that in a way I was kind of brainwashed into thinking I was a mad opiate addict, and whenever people would ask me "what was your DOC", I would reply with Heroin, but in reality, I only did heroin like 4 times. Towards the end, I was taking a more than usual amount of pills and that may have been what gave me that frame of mind. I don't know, but I feel kinda stupid about projecting that of myself. I think I did this so that I could convince and comfort myself going into meetings so that I could feel like the people who really have been that far down that road, and since the freedom I have for the next two months depends on me showing my mom that I am staying clean, I have to go. It felt good going for a while, but I am getting a little tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I love everybody that goes there, and the message and program is very powerful... but it is too depressing sometimes :/
That is one thing on my mind, the other, is I want to go back to work at my old job I had before all this happened. I still have the job and all I have to do is tell my boss to put me back on the schedule. Again, my mom is the only one holding me back from this because she thinks that since a lot of my old influences are there, it is going to start my fire again. I really do not think this will happen simply because my friends that work there have told me that there is no way in hell that any of them would ask or offer anything to me and respect what I am doing right now. Also, there's a manager that works there who sells mad painkillers, who I had bought from many times. My plan with that issue is, if he comes up to me and asks if I need anything, I'm going to reply with, "No I do not. I am not in that world anymore and if you ask me again I am going to report you". Does not sound like a bad idea at all to me, but that is easy for me to say right now. What happens if I go in there and I become engulfed in old memories and say "f*** it"... I don't know, what do you think?
My mom was going to send me to rehab because I OD'd... I decided against that because there was no way I was going to risk graduating over something that could be handled in more productive ways. So to put her and my family at ease, I started going to NA meetings. I met some really cool people and have a sponsor that I like. Lately tho, I have been thinking that when I go to meetings and become involved in NA, the fact that "YOU ARE AN ADDICT" is thrown in my face everyday and I am beginning to wonder if all the anxiety and restlessness, that has built up since being clean, could be avoided by not going to meetings but still keeping a swell network of people with clean time. Also I have realized, with the help of a friend, that in a way I was kind of brainwashed into thinking I was a mad opiate addict, and whenever people would ask me "what was your DOC", I would reply with Heroin, but in reality, I only did heroin like 4 times. Towards the end, I was taking a more than usual amount of pills and that may have been what gave me that frame of mind. I don't know, but I feel kinda stupid about projecting that of myself. I think I did this so that I could convince and comfort myself going into meetings so that I could feel like the people who really have been that far down that road, and since the freedom I have for the next two months depends on me showing my mom that I am staying clean, I have to go. It felt good going for a while, but I am getting a little tired of it. Don't get me wrong, I love everybody that goes there, and the message and program is very powerful... but it is too depressing sometimes :/That is one thing on my mind, the other, is I want to go back to work at my old job I had before all this happened. I still have the job and all I have to do is tell my boss to put me back on the schedule. Again, my mom is the only one holding me back from this because she thinks that since a lot of my old influences are there, it is going to start my fire again. I really do not think this will happen simply because my friends that work there have told me that there is no way in hell that any of them would ask or offer anything to me and respect what I am doing right now. Also, there's a manager that works there who sells mad painkillers, who I had bought from many times. My plan with that issue is, if he comes up to me and asks if I need anything, I'm going to reply with, "No I do not. I am not in that world anymore and if you ask me again I am going to report you". Does not sound like a bad idea at all to me, but that is easy for me to say right now. What happens if I go in there and I become engulfed in old memories and say "f*** it"... I don't know, what do you think?
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