Volundr
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 4, 2009
- Messages
- 879
LSD - Semi-Experienced - A tale of the darkness, and of the light.
*Note, the title says New Experience, when it should say Semi-Experienced, don't really know how to change that.
A little bit of back info, I was 'supposed' to be tripping today, that is to say a friend of mine wanted to join me with my quest for self exploration. However due to unforeseen events, in the form of an exam, he had to sadly pull out. This left with a dilemma, save the trip for another time? Or pursue my first 'solo' adventure into the psychedelic world; my mindset seemed fine, I was genuinely excited by the potential of the latter option, the possibility to explore my mind by myself, with no interference! So I decided that later in the evening I would take 2 tabs of LSD, and have a wonderful night, I was wrong.
At 22:26 I consumed the two tabs and for the next hour as I started to feel myself coming up I was in a completely euphoric state, I was conversing with friends on MSN and was extremely excited for the journey that was waiting for me, in fact I recall myself commenting on this burst of happiness to more than one person however with this euphoria seemed to come a very annoying side-effect, extreme jaw-tension. The clenching sensation of my jaw just began to take control of my thought and I began to plummet into a, frankly, quite pissed off state, however irrational that may sound.
It was at about 2 hours in, as the jaw tension was leaving, that I realised there was nothing to suggest I had taken anything, it wasn't that there were no interesting visuals were catching my eye, it was that there was no visuals what-so-ever. I tried to do silly things to prompt something, like watch some fractal animations on the computer, but sadly they failed to interest me, and nor did they trigger anything at all. I decided to lie down in my bed and listen to Shpongle in the darkness, perhaps that would prompt something of interest, the only noticeable effect present was a strong melting sensation all around my body, as if I was melting into the bed, although enjoyable it didn't seem to block out any of the negative thought, I just took it as the norm (during this period I also recall feeling the 'buzz' of the energy in the air about myself, although sadly this discovery was very uninteresting as it was always overrun by my complaining to myself about the lack of anything visually interesting). For the first time in my 'tripping' history, there were no closed-eye visuals of any clarity, merely slight coloured light blurs that were most probably the flashing of my computer in its sleep mode. The lack of anything to explore, to enjoy, was really putting me in a, it feels weird to use the term, but depressed state, that is to say I began to see everything in the room around me in a negative shallow way, nothing was interesting to me and I promptly sought the need to talk to something of importance, a human. This was the beginning of my stage of extreme loneliness.
I went on the computer to see if there was anyone online that I could talk to, to try and reconnect to the living world rather than the gloomy world of objects rather than life that was my room. A close friend of mine was still online, (I had been conversing with him earlier, although he was completely unaware of me having taken anything.) so I promptly came clean to him, explained that I was a few hours into my 'trip' and that it wasn't really a trip at all, it was just a depressive state of existence, the chat log from the time states I said the following:
Note: in the chat log, I am Henry and the example above is entirely my messages, E's responses are explained below.
He seemed concerned but as someone that had never taken a psychedelic, I felt that it was unfair of me to express my negative thoughts to him in case it were to; i) Put him off any future psychedelic use, who am I to leave wrong impressions on people that could determine such an important part of their life? and ii) Due to not being able to express myself clearly, I feel that my depressive manner at the time was just making him worry about me, I didn't feel comfortable with that thought, this was a problem I was going to have to address and conquer during the night.
At 1:33, 3 hours and 7 minutes after dosing my friend asked if it was ok if he went to bad as he was feeling tired, I was shocked at his question, he was asking whether I would be Ok without him, of course I would, this thought hadn't come into my mind at all, it was wonderful to be able to talk to him during but the discovery that he was worrying about me really made myself feel quite pathetic. I thanked him for his presence and relieved him of his worry but informing him that I would be fine, which although a bizarre concept at the time, was, inevitably true, I would be fine, I was under the influence of a psychedelic drug, this was not me in my usual state.
I apologise beforehand for the lack of time references henceforth, without someone to talk to, to 'ground' me if it were, my sense of time became extremely dilated; a side-effect to tripping that I usually take great enjoyment in.
I sat out of my window and had a cigarette, although it must be noted, I am not a smoker, that is to say I will have a cigarette once very occasionally purely for the enjoyment of smoking rather than any addiction to nicotine. The world was in total silence, the silence was such that I could hear the light crackling as I dragged on the cigarette. The world seemed to have stopped still, there was nothing of interest to me out there, as previously stated, I was in a state of 'existence' rather than that of any emotion. At this point I noticed visuals that were like no visuals I had ever seen before, they were not shapes or forms or patterns or...anything really, I just kept seeing bright light emitting from the strangest of things, like the drainage gutter on the kitchen roof below me, or even stranger from seemingly nowhere. These 'odd' visuals were interesting, yet they annoyed me at the same time, I had come on this journey to learn things bout myself, and to explore! I had not embarked on this state of emotional nothingness for my mind to reward me with few stupid light tricks! In a disgruntled state I went downstairs to get a drink of milk and some chocolate, thinking that the two may be emotional soothing, which in retrospect seems ridiculous but it seemed a genuinely legitimate idea at the time.
Going downstairs I discovered my dog asleep on the sofa rather than her bed, she awoke as I walked past, yet surprisingly seemed completely uninterested and indifferent to me. She let out a noise that I took to mean 'go away, I want to sleep', I got my milk and chocolate from the kitchen and promptly accepted her instruction, turning the lights off as I left.
Upon returning to my room I discovered that milk and chocolate were not emotionally soothing substances and that I wasn't remotely appetised by either of them, what a waste. I lit some incense, and amazingly managed to get some light humoured fun from watching the smoke twirl off into the room, to find a small satisfying pleasure for that small period of time was definitely helpful in terms of the progression of the night. I came to the conclusion that this depressive state was an insight into what real loneliness would be like; I have always thought of myself as someone that didn't really need human interaction, that is to say I have always believed myself to be interesting enough in such times where others aren't present, so this was a hugely insightful wake up call. At this point I was lying on top of my bed and delving into this new found lust for human contact, I was craving the touch of another human, even if it were to be a simple touching of hands, or even so little as making eye contact with a figure of beauty, that is to say the female form, I had a definite urge, a lust even, while lying there in silence, for the contact with another human, but for whatever reason all my mind showed me was that I needed the contact with a woman rather than just a friendly chat with a male friend.
This state of mind was very alien to me, although of course relationships interest me, I have always had an apathetic outlook to them and never really felt the urge to pursue one, not that I've ever really given myself the chance, but that is beside the point. I must note that the bizarre distortions had returned, I was in a completely dark room yet I was aware of everything breathing and moving, the walls were in wrong positions and there were strange emmitances of light making things light up in wrong perspectives. Anyway, as I was lying there in bed thinking about this new found empathy for relations with others I realised it must be roughly time for the birds to start singing, to add some life to the dreary world outside of myself. The thought excited me, on previous occasions while tripping, bird song has been the most wonderful thing, a divine greeting and welcoming to the new day. I edged along to the end of my bed to look out of my window and much to my delight, there were sounds of birds, if a little depleted, but that was understandable, it must only be the beginning. I sat hanging out of my window for a while, enjoying the emotional recovery I was beginning to undergo, that and the fact I was witnessing definite synaesthesia, I was seeing sparks of light flashing from the spots my ears believed the bird song to be coming from, and amazingly I was finding it wonderfully easy to track the birds positions in Visual and Auditory form.
From this point on I realised that this was the path to the resurrection of my enjoyment of existence, the sun was going to rise and I would witness the birth of a new day in ways that only the very fortunate among us will ever experience. That being said, I went to back to the comforts of the darkness for what would hopefully be a final time. I listened to a wonderful acoustic cover of Stairway to Heaven that my brother had shown me a couple of days earlier. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNc5o9TU0t0) It was a beautiful experience, the passion in the music was very apparent and the the extremely fast paced, emotional, 'solo' was music to my ears, in every possible sense.
With this new found delight I returned to my window and embarked on this wonderful new journey that had presented itself, the watching of sunrise in a synaesthetic state. I was leaning out for what seemed like an eternity, as the world gradually got brighter and more interesting, when I realised, in a comical fashion, that although I had a t shirt covering my torso, I was wearing nothing below the waist and thus had been exposing myself to whoever might be looking for God knows how long. The realisation amused me rather than bothered me, and after smiling it off I wrapped a blanket about my waist. There a some social taboo's that although amusing, are quite difficult to consciously ignore.
Witnessing the sunrise was every bit as beautiful as I imagined it to be, the sparks of light that matched birdsong across my vision was breathtaking, the gradual change from the dark, depressing black to the rich purplely blue to the crystalline light blue was fantastic. However, the most amazing sight was that of birds flying across the morning sky, sparkling with crystal like white light, leaving wonderful glittering fading trails, much like a plane would, only in an indescribably beautiful fashion. (Another interesting observation at this point was that as I leant out of the window, every building in my vision seemed to be swaying/breathing to the movements of my breathing, while at the same time slowly change back and forth between two colours. It didn't really affect my mood, however it was quite an amusing sight to behold.)
After a lifetime of wonder I decided to return to my bed to bask in my happiness, I have been given a new life, a passion to interact with people has been re-ignited within my mind, I have no reason to be be emotionally secluded, I have now witnessed the reward of pure unadultered beauty at its finest after conquering the dark side of myself, that of depressive apathy and loneliness.
Although as a 'trip' the experience was not enjoyable, I was not given my usual amazingly clear open-eye visual hallucinations, nor was I even gifted with closed-eye visuals of interest. This matters not, the new life, the conquering of the darkness has given me seems wonderful and I cannot wait to share it with my peers. This trip report may be a bit long, and a boring but if you have read this far I am ever so appreciative, as this is the first time I have ever tried to write down the events of a 'trip', and it is incredibly personal to me.
May your future explorations in the psychedelic realm bring you as much character insights as this has to me.
And remember, I am another yourself.
*Note, the title says New Experience, when it should say Semi-Experienced, don't really know how to change that.
A little bit of back info, I was 'supposed' to be tripping today, that is to say a friend of mine wanted to join me with my quest for self exploration. However due to unforeseen events, in the form of an exam, he had to sadly pull out. This left with a dilemma, save the trip for another time? Or pursue my first 'solo' adventure into the psychedelic world; my mindset seemed fine, I was genuinely excited by the potential of the latter option, the possibility to explore my mind by myself, with no interference! So I decided that later in the evening I would take 2 tabs of LSD, and have a wonderful night, I was wrong.
At 22:26 I consumed the two tabs and for the next hour as I started to feel myself coming up I was in a completely euphoric state, I was conversing with friends on MSN and was extremely excited for the journey that was waiting for me, in fact I recall myself commenting on this burst of happiness to more than one person however with this euphoria seemed to come a very annoying side-effect, extreme jaw-tension. The clenching sensation of my jaw just began to take control of my thought and I began to plummet into a, frankly, quite pissed off state, however irrational that may sound.
It was at about 2 hours in, as the jaw tension was leaving, that I realised there was nothing to suggest I had taken anything, it wasn't that there were no interesting visuals were catching my eye, it was that there was no visuals what-so-ever. I tried to do silly things to prompt something, like watch some fractal animations on the computer, but sadly they failed to interest me, and nor did they trigger anything at all. I decided to lie down in my bed and listen to Shpongle in the darkness, perhaps that would prompt something of interest, the only noticeable effect present was a strong melting sensation all around my body, as if I was melting into the bed, although enjoyable it didn't seem to block out any of the negative thought, I just took it as the norm (during this period I also recall feeling the 'buzz' of the energy in the air about myself, although sadly this discovery was very uninteresting as it was always overrun by my complaining to myself about the lack of anything visually interesting). For the first time in my 'tripping' history, there were no closed-eye visuals of any clarity, merely slight coloured light blurs that were most probably the flashing of my computer in its sleep mode. The lack of anything to explore, to enjoy, was really putting me in a, it feels weird to use the term, but depressed state, that is to say I began to see everything in the room around me in a negative shallow way, nothing was interesting to me and I promptly sought the need to talk to something of importance, a human. This was the beginning of my stage of extreme loneliness.
I went on the computer to see if there was anyone online that I could talk to, to try and reconnect to the living world rather than the gloomy world of objects rather than life that was my room. A close friend of mine was still online, (I had been conversing with him earlier, although he was completely unaware of me having taken anything.) so I promptly came clean to him, explained that I was a few hours into my 'trip' and that it wasn't really a trip at all, it was just a depressive state of existence, the chat log from the time states I said the following:
NSFW:
Note: in the chat log, I am Henry and the example above is entirely my messages, E's responses are explained below.
He seemed concerned but as someone that had never taken a psychedelic, I felt that it was unfair of me to express my negative thoughts to him in case it were to; i) Put him off any future psychedelic use, who am I to leave wrong impressions on people that could determine such an important part of their life? and ii) Due to not being able to express myself clearly, I feel that my depressive manner at the time was just making him worry about me, I didn't feel comfortable with that thought, this was a problem I was going to have to address and conquer during the night.
At 1:33, 3 hours and 7 minutes after dosing my friend asked if it was ok if he went to bad as he was feeling tired, I was shocked at his question, he was asking whether I would be Ok without him, of course I would, this thought hadn't come into my mind at all, it was wonderful to be able to talk to him during but the discovery that he was worrying about me really made myself feel quite pathetic. I thanked him for his presence and relieved him of his worry but informing him that I would be fine, which although a bizarre concept at the time, was, inevitably true, I would be fine, I was under the influence of a psychedelic drug, this was not me in my usual state.
I apologise beforehand for the lack of time references henceforth, without someone to talk to, to 'ground' me if it were, my sense of time became extremely dilated; a side-effect to tripping that I usually take great enjoyment in.
I sat out of my window and had a cigarette, although it must be noted, I am not a smoker, that is to say I will have a cigarette once very occasionally purely for the enjoyment of smoking rather than any addiction to nicotine. The world was in total silence, the silence was such that I could hear the light crackling as I dragged on the cigarette. The world seemed to have stopped still, there was nothing of interest to me out there, as previously stated, I was in a state of 'existence' rather than that of any emotion. At this point I noticed visuals that were like no visuals I had ever seen before, they were not shapes or forms or patterns or...anything really, I just kept seeing bright light emitting from the strangest of things, like the drainage gutter on the kitchen roof below me, or even stranger from seemingly nowhere. These 'odd' visuals were interesting, yet they annoyed me at the same time, I had come on this journey to learn things bout myself, and to explore! I had not embarked on this state of emotional nothingness for my mind to reward me with few stupid light tricks! In a disgruntled state I went downstairs to get a drink of milk and some chocolate, thinking that the two may be emotional soothing, which in retrospect seems ridiculous but it seemed a genuinely legitimate idea at the time.
Going downstairs I discovered my dog asleep on the sofa rather than her bed, she awoke as I walked past, yet surprisingly seemed completely uninterested and indifferent to me. She let out a noise that I took to mean 'go away, I want to sleep', I got my milk and chocolate from the kitchen and promptly accepted her instruction, turning the lights off as I left.
Upon returning to my room I discovered that milk and chocolate were not emotionally soothing substances and that I wasn't remotely appetised by either of them, what a waste. I lit some incense, and amazingly managed to get some light humoured fun from watching the smoke twirl off into the room, to find a small satisfying pleasure for that small period of time was definitely helpful in terms of the progression of the night. I came to the conclusion that this depressive state was an insight into what real loneliness would be like; I have always thought of myself as someone that didn't really need human interaction, that is to say I have always believed myself to be interesting enough in such times where others aren't present, so this was a hugely insightful wake up call. At this point I was lying on top of my bed and delving into this new found lust for human contact, I was craving the touch of another human, even if it were to be a simple touching of hands, or even so little as making eye contact with a figure of beauty, that is to say the female form, I had a definite urge, a lust even, while lying there in silence, for the contact with another human, but for whatever reason all my mind showed me was that I needed the contact with a woman rather than just a friendly chat with a male friend.
This state of mind was very alien to me, although of course relationships interest me, I have always had an apathetic outlook to them and never really felt the urge to pursue one, not that I've ever really given myself the chance, but that is beside the point. I must note that the bizarre distortions had returned, I was in a completely dark room yet I was aware of everything breathing and moving, the walls were in wrong positions and there were strange emmitances of light making things light up in wrong perspectives. Anyway, as I was lying there in bed thinking about this new found empathy for relations with others I realised it must be roughly time for the birds to start singing, to add some life to the dreary world outside of myself. The thought excited me, on previous occasions while tripping, bird song has been the most wonderful thing, a divine greeting and welcoming to the new day. I edged along to the end of my bed to look out of my window and much to my delight, there were sounds of birds, if a little depleted, but that was understandable, it must only be the beginning. I sat hanging out of my window for a while, enjoying the emotional recovery I was beginning to undergo, that and the fact I was witnessing definite synaesthesia, I was seeing sparks of light flashing from the spots my ears believed the bird song to be coming from, and amazingly I was finding it wonderfully easy to track the birds positions in Visual and Auditory form.
From this point on I realised that this was the path to the resurrection of my enjoyment of existence, the sun was going to rise and I would witness the birth of a new day in ways that only the very fortunate among us will ever experience. That being said, I went to back to the comforts of the darkness for what would hopefully be a final time. I listened to a wonderful acoustic cover of Stairway to Heaven that my brother had shown me a couple of days earlier. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNc5o9TU0t0) It was a beautiful experience, the passion in the music was very apparent and the the extremely fast paced, emotional, 'solo' was music to my ears, in every possible sense.
With this new found delight I returned to my window and embarked on this wonderful new journey that had presented itself, the watching of sunrise in a synaesthetic state. I was leaning out for what seemed like an eternity, as the world gradually got brighter and more interesting, when I realised, in a comical fashion, that although I had a t shirt covering my torso, I was wearing nothing below the waist and thus had been exposing myself to whoever might be looking for God knows how long. The realisation amused me rather than bothered me, and after smiling it off I wrapped a blanket about my waist. There a some social taboo's that although amusing, are quite difficult to consciously ignore.
Witnessing the sunrise was every bit as beautiful as I imagined it to be, the sparks of light that matched birdsong across my vision was breathtaking, the gradual change from the dark, depressing black to the rich purplely blue to the crystalline light blue was fantastic. However, the most amazing sight was that of birds flying across the morning sky, sparkling with crystal like white light, leaving wonderful glittering fading trails, much like a plane would, only in an indescribably beautiful fashion. (Another interesting observation at this point was that as I leant out of the window, every building in my vision seemed to be swaying/breathing to the movements of my breathing, while at the same time slowly change back and forth between two colours. It didn't really affect my mood, however it was quite an amusing sight to behold.)
After a lifetime of wonder I decided to return to my bed to bask in my happiness, I have been given a new life, a passion to interact with people has been re-ignited within my mind, I have no reason to be be emotionally secluded, I have now witnessed the reward of pure unadultered beauty at its finest after conquering the dark side of myself, that of depressive apathy and loneliness.
Although as a 'trip' the experience was not enjoyable, I was not given my usual amazingly clear open-eye visual hallucinations, nor was I even gifted with closed-eye visuals of interest. This matters not, the new life, the conquering of the darkness has given me seems wonderful and I cannot wait to share it with my peers. This trip report may be a bit long, and a boring but if you have read this far I am ever so appreciative, as this is the first time I have ever tried to write down the events of a 'trip', and it is incredibly personal to me.
May your future explorations in the psychedelic realm bring you as much character insights as this has to me.
And remember, I am another yourself.
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