LSD, mushrooms and ecstasy - Somewhat experienced
My First Step: Candyflipping Into the Universe and Ego Death
My First Step: Candyflipping Into the Universe and Ego Death
I would like to start off by saying that this is a long read. It is personal and detailed and includes almost an hour of thoughts from my stream of consciousness that I wrote as I candyflipped. This trip report will most likely be the first and only trip report I write. I am writing this as a story, not just a trip report. Please read it and enjoy it as such.
Note: My thoughts and feelings were chronicled for hours on AIM with conversations between my girlfriend and a fellow bluelighter. I described my exact thoughts and visions as I saw them. Ego death, god, the universe, everything. I will not be copying and pasting full conversations into this report, but a large portion of my peak involves the thoughts and feelings and visions that I described to those two people. It will be rewritten to fit accordingly into the story.
The events of my experience occurred on June 13th and 14th from 11:30pm to 10am. I candyflipped alone in my room while my parents slept. I am only 17 and it is hard to find places for me to trip safely. I don?€™t enjoy the feeling I get from parties on LSD, so I choose solo tripping or tripping with a friend when I can. This would be my ninth time taking acid and the fourth time taking shrooms. I had never taken ecstasy with them before though, nor had I taken shrooms and cid together.
I took one tab of LSD (Jesus Christ on a cross blotter) at 11:30pm. My dad was doing laundry at the time but I knew he would be asleep before I started tripping. I hadn?€™t taken these tabs yet but the stories I heard from other people about them were promising. I started watching a Futurama movie and at 12:30 I ate a half eighth of dried mushroom shake/powder. Everything was like a mild acid trip. The characters in the movie were slightly twisted, the colors were brighter. Everything was funnier and the plot became hard to follow. I started to think it would be a mild night?€?Until the X.
I took the ecstasy pill at 1:30. I made sure that I timed the dosings so that I would peak on each drug at about the same time. I knew this pill was pure; I checked pill reports and two of my friends had rolled on the same beans and came back with positive reviews. The movie had ended so I decided to play a computer video game to pass the time until the pill kicked in.
At about 2 am, I felt the first effects of the ecstasy. Being alone in my room, I made it a priority to masturbate. I have been told and have read that orgasming on ecstasy is a wondrous physical experience and it was. Extremely intense and pleasurable, something I suggest everyone do if they can. After I finished, I was overcome with strong waves of euphoria and empathy and unity. I was listening to Easy Star All-Stars dub reggae remix of Sgt. Pepper?€™s Lonely Hearts Club Band and it gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. I felt at one with the world and everyone in it and felt a tingling warmth flow through my body, pulsating from my heart to my limbs. I felt strong emotions for my girlfriend and a need to talk to EVERYONE. I would say that it even overpowered the mushrooms and LSD for a time. I scoured Facebook, AIM and my online computer game for anyone to talk to. I was desperate for human conversation. After finding only minimal conversation online at 2:30 in the morning, I decided to get up from my computer.
I lied down on the floor of my room on my shag rug and it felt like a different world. I thought I was in a different world. It was dead silent and I could feel my heart pounding and my body break out into a drug-induced sweat. I thought to myself that if anyone walked in on me, they would see some crazy fucked up kid rolling face. I went back to my computer to listen to Aphex Twin for a short time and then at 3 am, turned off the lights and lied down on my bed. For the next hour, that bed was privy to earth shattering psychological events.
As I was lying down I noticed the difference between listening to music and the silence of my room. I felt as if they were two different universes. One devoid of life and filled with my own thoughts, the other with the sweet sounds of the universe and god. I listened to Hallucinogen?€™s Twisted album for about 10 or 15 minutes. It was the perfect techno for a candyflip; psychedelic and fast paced. I closed my eyes and followed fractal CEVs. I noticed my eyes were wiggling and they also rolled back into my skull when I let the music take me over. The visual fractals also followed the rhythm and beat of the music. I could follow the flow of colors and shapes beneath my eyelids. They pulsated and vibrated with the bass and swam and spun with the synthesizers. It was beautiful and I pretended I had glowsticks and moved my hands as well as I could on my bed. At one point, I thought to myself ?€œThe one time I saw god on a previous trip was while listening to Dark Side of the Moon.?€ I wanted that again. I put on Dark Side and the trip into ego death and the beginning of the universe and god began.
The feelings I describe in the aim conversations were what I thought of myself and the world while listening. I will describe those later as I wrote them after my peak. The CEVs I saw during Pink Floyd were like fractals, a splattering of photoshop brushes flashing before my eyes. The music created colorful waves that I followed beneath my eyelids. The music and rhythm and beats created waves of color from the sound that took me to seeing the universe and out of my body and heaven and god and the primal essence of everything. I saw the music turn into an ooze, a glob of floating ?€œessence.?€ This I perceived to be god. I saw various 3-d shapes encircling each other and thought of them as universes. When Time played, I was always freaked out by the clocks at the beginning, but this time I listened and got through it and felt empowered. I felt that I could conquer anything in my life, any issue I ever had with my depression, my parents, my weight. I could conquer all of it. When any song went from a low subdued sound to a louder build up, I felt like I was reaching into heaven. During great gig in the sky, I orgasmed and it took me by surprise. I was playing with myself to the voice of the lady yelling without even being aware of it and when her screaming climaxed, I did too and it was the greatest sensual feeling I have ever had. Soon after this I had an out of body experience. I felt myself float out from my body and viewed myself and my room from the ceiling. I even remember beginning to ?€œswim?€ on my bed, thinking it was propelling me among the ooze of the music, among the primal essence of the universe. I was swimming through god and exploring the world. The entire trip, when I opened my eyes I saw the real world in front of me, but behind my eyes, in my mind, I saw the universe. I saw both simultaneously. The same goes for the out of body experience. I saw myself and my room outside of my own body, but I was also conscious that I was still just laying spread eagle on my bed. Whenever I had my eyes open I saw the real world and the essence of the universe simultaneously, although when I closed them the real world vanished.
I began my AIM conversations a little before 4 am. They consist of my stream of consciousness and the thoughts I had during and after the time spent on my bed. I have combined the conversations with my girlfriend and my fellow bluelighter. The following is a summary of my ranting and raving, my ego death, my visions of god and the primal essence of the universe as I saw it. Plus, some feelings for my girlfriend, music and society. I am splitting it into sections to make it a little easier to write and for you guys to follow. The following part is not necessarily in chronological order; it is a conglomeration of the ideas that soared through my head.
Ego death and reconstruction:
To explain a little bit about myself so that the following ego reconstruction makes a little more sense, for years I have struggled with weight issues. I?€™ve always been the chubby one. Never obese, but always able to afford to lose a few pounds. I am also clinically depressed. I used to be on medication but am not anymore. While I consider my depression in a sort of ?€œremission,?€ there are still some days where I definitely feel the effects of it. Even though it really is no excuse, I blame my parents for these two issues and harbor resentment towards them because of it. That being said, I now take you on a journey into the death of myself and the reconstruction of my personality.
The statement that seemed to spark the death of my ego grew out of a passing comment I made about my parents. My girlfriend asked if I still hated my parents and thus started the destruction of myself. I thought that every child harbored a little resentment towards their parents, but suddenly I saw my development as a child flash before my eyes. I was able to reconstruct stages of my development, events and things that happened during childhood that had a lasting impression on my personality. Bad eating habits, pessimistic thoughts, negative attitude; situations where my parents shaped my thoughts and created the personality that I retained today. I was able to see every single moment in my development where they went wrong and what they should have done.
The first event that took center stage was when I was learning to ride a bike. A week or so into learning, I was starting to give up. My friends had learned fairly quickly and I just kept falling and hurting myself. Instead of pushing me to follow through and learn to ride, my parents let the bike sit in the garage collecting rust. They never encouraged me to push through the scraped knees and keep trying until I learned. Since then, I was always too embarrassed to learn. I worried what people would think of a teenager trying to learn to ride a bike. Ultimately, my subconscious blamed my parents for an embarrassing, failed aspect of my life. My girlfriend agreed to teach me to ride and asked if I had any other chips on my shoulder.
The second event that took center stage was my weight. I blamed my parents for me being overweight but acknowledged that I never did anything to fix it. I explored the reasons why I had never made the effort to lose weight. I thought that I would lose a part of me if I became the skinny guy. I?€™ve been overweight for most of my life and that is who people knew me as; that fat guy. I wouldn?€™t be the same without it but at the same time I hated myself for it. I reasoned with myself that my hobby of playing drums was the only exercise I needed. I kept making excuses.
The reason I kept making these excuses is because I was self-conscious. I wanted to not care what other people thought. I didn?€™t want to be confined by others socially accepted moral code. I wanted to live by my own standards and ethics but if I did, people would just look at my funny and then arrest me and beat me for being a ?€œhippie.?€ The question I kept asking myself was ?€œCan the change persist??€ Can I take what I was going through while tripping and apply it to my sober life? Will I learn to ride a bike? Will I lose weight? Will I feel comfortable in front of other people?
In the end it didn?€™t matter because no matter how much I bitched, people still lived by their own standards. I needed to find a compromise between my own set of principles and what other people considered acceptable. I needed to have these changes PERSIST. But in the end, after coming down, I would just be the same old me, the fat 17 year old who can?€™t ride a bike. I felt that I wouldn?€™t change in the least because I wanted to be seen as normal. I was sad that people couldn?€™t see the collective soul and have the same ideals and values and morals.
In the middle of my personality destruction, I felt a wave a reality. I saw myself as that same kid who would not make a change. I told myself that I did drugs because I saw the ?€œperfect?€ me while tripping. I envisioned who I wanted to be on drugs and doing them provided me with closure. My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to change and I told her that I did and just needed somebody to help push me along. I set out three goals for myself right then and there:
?€? Lose weight to feel good about myself
?€? Learn to ride a bike
?€? Stop caring so much about what people thought about me
I hit reality again and a wave of anxiety hit me that my dad would be up soon, even though it was not 5 in the morning. I was worried about making noise and looking like shit, but I came up with excuses for my appearance and decided to deal with it in the morning. At this point, I wanted to just sleep but the battle with myself was not over.
I was glad that my girlfriend was talking to me, that she might be able to push me into making some lasting change. I slipped seamlessly into the destruction of my psyche. I saw my personality develop once again with vivid memories of my childhood, events that shaped my personality. I lamented how nothing of our personalities is pure, how we can?€™t just float as little embryos in space developing thoughts as our own bodies and minds develop. Every moment is shaped and I needed to find a key to unlock myself, to break the mold that had been made for me. I wanted to carry my intoxicated thoughts and ideals with me into sobriety. I needed to change myself psychologically, deconstruct my personality bit by bit and delete everything in order to allow myself to develop without help. I wiped the slate clean; I saw it as a computer deleting files (because I had been raised in a modern technological age after all). I told myself that I couldn?€™t just take from the collective ooze; something would always, something would HAVE to shape me. I wanted my humor, charm, wit, intelligence and goal oriented work ethic. I did not want to worry about what others thought about me. I did not want my poor eating habits. I didn?€™t want any prejudice but I wanted to keep a certain respect for my parents, the people who were the reason for my development. I didn?€™t want my arrogance, impatience or intolerance. I wanted to be accepting. I wanted to keep my taste in music. I didn?€™t want to take my girlfriend calling me names so personally anymore. I wanted to keep her but not her pessimism, nor did I want her to ever tell me she didn?€™t love me. I wanted to get rid of my body hair, but I didn?€™t think I could do that psychologically. Everything I didn?€™t want I deleted. The things I did want I considered programmed into me, thinking they would be there once all was said and done. After my ?€œreformatting?€ was completed, I transitioned quickly into intimate conversation with my girlfriend.
Feelings for Girlfriend/Chat with girlfriend
The first thing I mentioned when I got on AIM was how I felt as if I had connected with my girlfriend while on my bed. During my out of body experience, I felt as if I had floated to her and we met as one large ?€œooze of love?€ floating in the universe amongst god and that our love transcended time and space. She is usually weary of my drug use and not a fan of it and I was conscious of that while typing to her. I acknowledged that talking to her while tripping might break us up and it saddened me, but I felt as if I couldn?€™t stop sharing what I needed to share, so I apologized for everything bad I?€™ve ever done and kept chatting. I mentioned how much I loved her and how I didn?€™t need drugs to know that, but under the influence we were one; the perfect match and compatibility.
I then went on to tell her that I wanted her to do the drugs with me, that these sort of chemicals were made for people like us, people who could think outside the box. I pitied that they made such a beautiful key to the mind illegal and propagandized it to scare people like her away from using such a key. If only she could use the key too, then we would be that much more complete.
The entire night I seemed keen to her needs, attuned to her interests. I was always acknowledging the fact that I woke her up and was keeping her up, that I may have been causing her stress. Around 5 in the morning I started an intimate conversation with her about our sex life.
I didn?€™t think we discussed our sexual needs enough and I thought it was important for our relationship to discuss things about our sex life that each of us wanted and didn?€™t want. Without being overly specific (our chat filled up about five pages), we discussed many aspects of our sexual relationship and worked through them. I conveyed my many sexual fantasies I had about her while she revealed that she really didn?€™t have any. More than anything, I wanted to please her. I wanted her to tell me what she liked, what she wanted me to do. I even went so far as to say I wanted to be dominated by her. I wanted her to be open about sex and I wanted us to try new things like watching porn and mutual masturbation. But the most important aspect of the conversation was that I wanted her to be pleased. I kept harping on it and bringing it up; how I wanted to just please her without anything in return, how I wanted her to orgasm and always be satisfied. I wanted to put myself at her command. Most of all, I just wanted to discuss each issue so we could reach a compromise on things, so that both of us would be satisfied psychologically and sexually.
Towards the end of the conversation I felt as if I was contradicting every single word I was saying. I was ranting and raving but not paying attention to her, barely even letting her get a word in edgewise. I was aware of this but couldn?€™t stop my flow of words; it was just something I had to continue. I felt a need to keep talking, I couldn?€™t wait for normal conversation when I was thinking and typing ten times faster than normal. I kept saying how I wanted to hear about her fantasies, but I couldn?€™t shut up. At one point I told her that I had taken ecstasy that night (she was only aware of my LSD use). I had been even more worried about telling her that I took ecstasy, but I explained that I had been saving it for a special night to candyflip and all she did was ask a few questions about MDMA.
After I had forced myself to stop typing and listened, she opened up to me for a little while. We talked about why she sometimes felt embarrassed around me and how she wasn?€™t so comfortable being open sexually. She told me what she appreciated about me and that she would always be a little old-fashioned when it came to sex. I got the inclination that it was very cathartic for both of us. We promised to make changes together. We had both found the support we needed.
I felt that I needed to lie down, so I apologized for having kept her up. She said I had done quite the opposite. I apologized for making her worry about my drug use, but surprisingly, she said she didn?€™t mind it this time. It was one of the best things I heard all night?€?
God and the primal essence of the Universe
I first mentioned the universe appearing to a fellow bluelighter but got sidetracked chatting with my girlfriend. I said that it was the Dark Side of the Moon that allowed me to see the universe at its essence, everyone floating as one large ooze, mixing our ideas and feelings and thoughts. I saw heaven, but the key to it all, that made all of this possible, was music. It connects EVERYONE and is universal. As long as you are listening to music you enjoy (and everyone has their own tastes), it will be the greatest pleasure you can achieve in life.
I saw the world blend together behind my eyes, music connecting all of it, able to solve the world?€™s problems because everyone was on the same page. As long as I liked the music playing, I would be at ?€œthe heavens of all the universes and people.?€ There was one point where my fellow bluelighter attempted to send me a song to listen to. I commented that I couldn?€™t wait for internet protocols to download the file, but that it transcended time and space. I already heard the file he wanted me to listen to in the essence of the universe; it was there and I had already connected with it. Everything good in the world was just floating in the universe for everyone to share as a collective conscious. All of it felt to me like a ?€œmental orgasm.?€
Eventually I downloaded the file, at first thinking I was getting a computer virus. I thought that it was imperative I make a smooth transition from my Zune to my computer headphones. If there was a second of silence I would lose the universe. The song I downloaded was called The Sound by Human Highway. This song offered the same visions as Pink Floyd. It was a continuation of the primordial ooze of the universe, of everyone floating with god and the universe. The song told me to ?€œfollow the sound?€ and ?€œto keep on searching.?€ I floated through the universe and space, following the sound of the music. I thought that whoever wrote it had seen what I was seeing now and understood EVERYTHING about the universe. They had floated where I was floating. They had ?€œfound the sound?€ and that?€™s why they were telling me to follow it too. I was following the sound just as I had been the entire night and it didn?€™t matter if there was no end; it was the right path. Even when I turned on metal music, it was the same. I was listening to Liquid Tension Experiment and even the chaos of the notes and speed was in the same universe. It was leading me on the right path.
I saw everything on a primal level that included the entire population of the world. I remember it being essentially ?€œnothing.?€ The primal level of everyone and the universe didn?€™t take on any shape or any object; it was just a vacuum and endless space with everyone and everything floating in it as ooze. I thought that when everyone else gets to this level, they must visualize it as some sort of technology, constructing their primal world from modern day technological perceptions. But I constructed it from the essence of the universe. From god, music and everyone collectively. This ?€œunadulterated?€ construction brought me (brings everyone) through all dimensions and time, place and space. And even in the unseen universe, the very essence of the universe, there was a ceiling, a sort of roof keeping everything below it. I rose above that roof, broke through that ceiling and kept rising among the universe. I would never find a ceiling that could keep me in. I just kept going with the flow, the music, god and the people.
Random ranting and raving about society, people, etc.
The following paragraphs are really just short little philosophical questionings and ideas that I struggled with during my trip. They have no relation to almost anything else.
From early development, we are always being shaped and molded. Nothing is pure, nothing is our own thought. We are trapped in our 5 sense reality. Our perceptions are based on other?€™s ideals that molded us since we came out of the womb. We were never free to simply develop as our own mind would, as to create our own thoughts and ideals free from anyone else?€™s experience.
At one point I argued with whether or not people needed chemicals to see what I saw. Was it a shame that we couldn?€™t see the universe, ourselves, love, without the help of chemicals? Or was that the beauty of the situation? That we could harness something we created to use as a tool for enlightenment. Could the same enlightenment even be achieved through sheer willpower and meditation? These drugs are simply just a tool for unlocking what is deep within us. It is they key to the Pandora?€™s box of our soul and subconscious mind.
At another point I thought how great it was that the government actually made LSD illegal. Society isn?€™t capable of tapping into their minds. Everyone couldn?€™t handle it; it shouldn?€™t be allowed to get to everyone, to have the power to unlock the key to their mind but still never understand.
At one point my girlfriend asked why I chose tonight to candyflip. She asked what made this night special. I told her that the night only became special after I did it. I thought of it as a way to kick off my summer. Now that I had taken my standardized tests, I had no responsibilities for 2 months. What a way to celebrate?€?
Conclusion
At 4:40 on my aim logs I distinctly said ?€œReality hit me like a body check.?€ I was coming down from the peak wave and hit a wave of reality. I saw myself sweating (soaked through my shirt), my sweatpants were dirty from my orgasm and I was a mess. I changed clothes and used the bathroom. I just wanted to sleep but I knew I couldn?€™t. the bluelighter I was talking to reminded me that I needed to drink. I hadn?€™t even considered this, but I became very thirsty. I drank what must have been 3 or 4 glasses of water in a short amount of time.
From then on I kept alternated between waves of psychedelia and waves of reality. Thoughts and visuals were still heavy until 8 a.m., maybe even 9. From 5 to 6 I chatted with my girlfriend and from 6-6:40 I lied on my bed thinking I could get sleep. Here, I kept seeing CEV fractals and had penetrating thoughts. After 40 minutes I got back up again to type all of my thoughts on aim to a fellow bluelighter. I mentioned how I thought I ?€œactively slept.?€ I knew I couldn?€™t fall asleep, but I closed my eyes from being up all night and told myself to sleep and consciously slept. It was like a dreamlike trance where the fractals that flashed before my eyes became real objects. I thought that if I could believe in something enough, even if it wasn?€™t true I could make it happen. I thought I could make something appear out of thin air if I believed it was there. I even made an apple appear when moments before there was nothing there. If I was able to achieve this, who is to say what ?€œperception?€ and ?€œreality?€ really is? I questioned the existence of almost everything and wondered if the world did not materialize differently for each individual based on their perception?€?
After about 5 minutes I recognized that my parents may get up soon and I didn?€™t want them to hear me using the computer so I took my Zune into bed with me and was in bed again from about 6:45 until 8:15. I watched a World Inferno Friendship Society concert on my Zune until it died. I saw the lead singer, Jack Terricloth, as my idol and inspiration. He is a modern classical composer. He isn?€™t just a showman or a lead singer. The music he writes and composes is the essence that pervaded my visions during the night. He believed in his cause and his music, it wasn?€™t an act. World Inferno played the most primal and most beautiful music of all?€?
For about an hour I was left to my own thoughts on the comedown. I wondered how soon it would be before I tried a psychedelic again. I wasn?€™t ready to commit to telling myself I wouldn?€™t ever again, but this experience was intense. I wasn?€™t sure how ready I was for another one.
I went through the pictures on my phone and recreated the scene when each one was taken. I realized how happy I was with my girlfriend; that we both genuinely smiled when we were with each other. I realized how much I missed my dog of 11 years who passed away in December. It was like losing a brother. I came upon a picture of my best friend in a dress in front of a Walgreens. I realized why he was my best friend and that he never cared about self-image. He wasn?€™t embarrassed. Hell, he was willing to go out to the store in a dress to prove a point. He shared the same ideals as me; he was able to express them too. If only I could do the same?€?
I began to listen to Modest Mouse on my phone while typing text messages to save thoughts I just described. I could still feel physical effects from the X, combined with the psychological effects of the acid. At 8:15 I started to watch a second Futurama movie. At 10 am I emerged from my room to take a shower. I saw, felt, smelled the dirt EVERYWHERE in my room and on myself. I had to get rid of it. I felt as if I was washing away all evidence of the night before, but it needed to be done.
Upon reflection, I feel as if I had the experience of +4 journey on Shulgin?€™s scale. It occurred because of a combination of all three substances. I don?€™t feel that what happened could have happened without the exact dosages of drugs I took. I had an out of body experience, saw god, saw the world as it first began and experienced complete ego death in the span of an hour and a half. On previous trips I had never really taken anything from the adventure; I had simply experienced. But this time it was different. I emerged from my room feeling refreshed and new even though I hadn?€™t slept in over 27 hours (and would be up for 42 hours straight before the thought of sleep hit me). I felt confident that this time, I would change, I would do something and use my experience beyond its drug-riddled frenzy. I made personal goals to lose weight and to learn to ride a bike. I also made a personal promise to write my first trip report. On every other previous trip I always told myself I would write up a trip report and post it afterwards. Each time I went to write, I gave myself excuses. I told myself I couldn?€™t remember enough, or couldn?€™t possibly write enough to do my experience justice, or people wouldn?€™t read it. There was always an excuse to stop myself from doing what I was so convinced of doing while under the influence. But not this time. I?€™ve altered my eating habits, watching portions and attempting to exercise every day. I wrote a trip report this time; I followed through with a change. This trip report is a testament to the new man I felt myself emerge as after a night of psychedelics and introspection. It is my first step.
Tagged by Xorkoth
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substancecode_lysergamides
substancecode_mushrooms
substancecode_tryptamines
substancecode_ecstasy
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_combo_
explevel_inexperienced
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exptype_lifechanging
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