Ok it's actually fairly simple. I had been clean and sober (ish) since 2016. My story or underlying mental health issues are not really unique. Typical functioning opioid and benzo dependency for 6 years at that point. Functioning meaning ,working, typical adult responsibilities, hiding my addiction. But not really enjoying life anymore. I knew I had a problem, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it forever.
But my old friends anxiety and depression, as well as my own fears kept me in that mindset.
I was in a fairly dark place. At this time in my life I didn't exactly fear death so much as I feard dying without living a fulfilling life. I had a fairly positive experience with lsd one weekend.
Now I was still far from a changed man but it gave me a glimmer of hope. It was the first time in a long time. 8/8 2016 I made a decision to try to get clean. Took all my drugs worth an undisclosed amount of money and threw them into a creek behind the house. The only thing I kept was a small amount of weed and a favorite sheet of lsd. Next I called my boss and resigned, called all my dealers and told em goodbye. Basically all my friends lol... yea
So here I am about to go through withdrawal alone, not entirely broke but with no income... it goes quickly. I made arrangements to move thousands of miles away from anyone I remotely know. There were days in that time period that felt completely hopeless, literally the only thing I had in my corner was every day I survived was another day clean. Around 6 months into my sobriety I figured I should be feeling better, but it felt like the completely opposite. I wasn't eating, showering, I spoke to almost no one, and if I did I often became upset or angry.
So you can imagine how low I felt at that time. Here I am trying to fix myself but it feels like I had even less going on then when I was using. Atleast then I had friends, a career, a lover. Now I had nothing except paralyzing anxiety, clinical depression and a lowly 6 months clean.
Once again it felt pointless, like I had made a huge mistake. I literally said fuck it ... I cut a 1/4 sheet of lsd placed it in my mouth. And said out loud " it can't hurt me more than I hurt myself.
The sheet was almost 9 months old at this point possibly longer. I didn't expect a life changing experience. Heck I didn't even care.
As it begins to take effect, I'm not worried, my mind is still. It's quiet in the house. I hear birds chirping distantly outside. It's as if a blanket is wrapped around my body, my muscles in my face relax. I feel the very familiar feeling I've had on a number of trips which is a sensation as if my teeth are growing. My mood was one of witch I'd felt before, like I was a child again. Before the trauma, before the pain, before the anxiety. My eyes began to well up with tears. It felt as if I truly felt at peace for the first time in my adult life. The sun rays on my eyelids. No music no speaking just laying on a bed in a shack in the countryside of the PNW. Everything seemed perfect, I felt hands and breath holding me. I suddenly began to feel as if this was the reason I had come here there was a purpose. And I felt wonderful , proud, comfortable, I felt love for life. I could feel the sunlight holding me, lifting me up. I opened my eyes I lifted myself out of the bed. Slowly made my way to the window. It was so still , mid day bright sunny day . The flowers, bees, that Blueset you've ever seen sky. It's as if I was seeing for the first time. I floated my way outside , I was no longer aware of my past, or future. I could see myself, almost in the third person unaware if I even had my eyes open as I floated outside. In the yard the grass on my feet , legs, I could feel it but not though my feet. I can't explain it I felt it through out me. I don't remember laying down outside but I remember standing up. As I stood up the stillness of my surroundings became absolutely alive. I could hear everything, the wind , birds, bees, it was the most beautiful orchestra. It brought me to my hands and knees as I cried out. A mixed of lafter and sobbing.
I couldn't tell you much after that . I began to regain composure, it was later in the day , the sun rays were a different angle. I could sense my legs and arms again. Pretty sure I was talking to myself and giggling. This time I walked , the floating feeling was coming and going at that point. I walked inside , I didn't have to look I could feel my face was smiling . Drank a glass of water. Don't get me started on how that went . Basically started crying of happiness again just from the sensation of the cool mountain water in my mouth , into my body. Oddly enough I was hungry? And I ate a banana and chips . Giggling ever so often. Slowly over the next few hours I grew sleepy. The sun is low now I don't feel the rays anymore, I did feel a slight ache in my jaw as I concluded I probably had grinded my teeth. But it wasn't terrible.
I can't tell you when I fell asleep. When I awoke it was 8 am the next morning. I'm back ... I walk into the bathroom took a shower. As groggy as I was I still felt amazed. That I'm here in this wonderful place , lucky to be alive and absolutely beeming with hope and compassion.
Two weeks later I went and found a job, slowly worked my way up , it was fun. Interacting with people again, making money again, making friends, going out falling back in love with life.
Months go by . Every day was truly a blessing. Even the stress of the job on certain days was exhilarating
Will continue tomorrow, re living a profund life changing experience certainly can take it out of me. Lol . All I have left essentially is the present day , the conclusion basically .. estimated doseage blah.. I'm tired . Peace for now
