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Love and Anxiety

nAON

nAON

Bluelight Crew
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Mar 23, 2009
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Yes please.
So basically I have underlying anxiety problems. I tend to compulsively have intermittent negative thoughts about pretty much anything that has any value to me. It doesn't seriously affect how I act externally, but is very unpleasant to have a period almost every day where I have to go about my daily life with dark streams of thought cycling through my head.

In the last few months, i've become quite seriously involved with someone. Basically completely fallen in love. But with that, my paranoias and thought loops have also shifted onto her.. when I go through anxious moments, I end up just getting stuck thinking about shit she has done in the past that upsets me, or if not that, inventing potential scenarios in the future where she fucks me over in some way and then just thinking about it over and over until it fades away.

Basically it's all rather unsettling.. i'm in a serious relationship and have never been closer or felt such love toward anyone else, yet some subconscious part of me can't help but churn out twisted shit about her. It's not a representation of how I truly think or feel, yet it's emanating from the same brain..

Got a CBT book that I should really crack on with for general anxiety issues, but would appreciate any perspective on this more specific aspect :D
 
That really sucks, but unfortunately that's just the nature of anxiety. It'll bring up even the tiniest things as if it's trying to turn you against her. I get the same thing and even though CBT has helped with some of my other anxieties it hasn't slowed down the negative thoughts about certain people (and it's only with people I'm interested in romantically, either that or I've run out of negative things to think about my friends).

Good luck with your CBT session, hopefully it works out for you.
 
Have you ever sought counseling or talked to anyone about your anxiety?

I have suffered with anxiety for years and I have to make a super conscious effort to let those feelings go and focus on other things. Sometimes I even do things like think to myself "my mind is at peace right now and I will remember this feeling when I'm feeling overwhelmed" A lot of times it works and I've learned not to take my quiet mind or my happiness for granted.

When you get stuck in a negative loop is there a specific time of day or an event that triggers those negative thoughts? What happens when you try to focus on something else? Lastly, do you think you and your partner resolve disagreements effectively? Negative thoughts could trigger if you don't get the closure that your mind thinks it needs.
 
Black Rabbit of Inlè said:
That really sucks, but unfortunately that's just the nature of anxiety. It'll bring up even the tiniest things as if it's trying to turn you against her. I get the same thing and even though CBT has helped with some of my other anxieties it hasn't slowed down the negative thoughts about certain people (and it's only with people I'm interested in romantically, either that or I've run out of negative things to think about my friends).

Good luck with your CBT session, hopefully it works out for you.
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Technically not a session, just got myself a 'dummys guide to CBT' book :P but thanks, gonna open it up tonight for the first time in a good few weeks (holy fuck I wish i was less scatty and easily distracted, as I right this post I have a massive uni deadline)


purplefirefly said:
Have you ever sought counseling or talked to anyone about your anxiety?

I have suffered with anxiety for years and I have to make a super conscious effort to let those feelings go and focus on other things. Sometimes I even do things like think to myself "my mind is at peace right now and I will remember this feeling when I'm feeling overwhelmed" A lot of times it works and I've learned not to take my quiet mind or my happiness for granted.

When you get stuck in a negative loop is there a specific time of day or an event that triggers those negative thoughts? What happens when you try to focus on something else? Lastly, do you think you and your partner resolve disagreements effectively? Negative thoughts could trigger if you don't get the closure that your mind thinks it needs.
Click to expand...


Never sought counselling, I assumed [perhaps wrongly], that i'd have to go through loads of attempted SSRI/benzo/etc. scripts and other various bollocks (such as software CBT thing which is apparently shite) before i'd get through to anything useful.

Not sure about whether there's anything specific that triggers it off, though maybe I should start keeping a diary on me to try and retroactively gage any pattern. I find it very difficult to focus on other things, because though it's very unpleasant, it's also weirdly 'satisfying' and easy to get caught in the negative thought cycles of basically myself articulating my displeasures in my head. Maybe I should make more of a conscious effort to distract myself from my thoughts when I have them, though for some reason I also think trying to ignore them isn't the best idea (though thus far what i'm doing isn't exactly working).

And me and my partner have had issues in the past, and we've talked about them plenty of times. But generally these paranoias are based on [potential] actions based on her personality traits, rather than stemming from any one thing she's done (if that makes any sense). Specifically, before we hooked up she had quite a callous attitude to sex - has been involved with many of my male friends, and had a history of cheating on her previous boyfriends and generally causing emotional havoc. Have talked a lot about her thought processes behind it and my opinions and the way actions can be interpreted and etc. etc. but it doesn't change what's already happened, which is usually what my anxieties latch onto.
 
First off, awesome to see you post here, it has been awhile!

I don't have much useful to add but I do think that it would be a wise choice to seek some some of intervention in regards to your anxiety.... It seems to go a little past what would be normal thought patterns, especially in that it has the potential to cause disruption in your life.

It is great you have found someone you connect so well with, that is a rare find and would be a shame to mess things up by projecting your negative thought patterns onto her. I hope you can find a way to deal with it, sounds like your self awareness is a great first step!
 
interesting case OP. it's nice to hear that even though you're anxious you are capable of becoming intimate with someone.

i'm curious about the specific things about your SO that make you paranoid...
 
Beachcat said:
First off, awesome to see you post here, it has been awhile!

I don't have much useful to add but I do think that it would be a wise choice to seek some some of intervention in regards to your anxiety.... It seems to go a little past what would be normal thought patterns, especially in that it has the potential to cause disruption in your life.

It is great you have found someone you connect so well with, that is a rare find and would be a shame to mess things up by projecting your negative thought patterns onto her. I hope you can find a way to deal with it, sounds like your self awareness is a great first step!
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Yeah you too! Been far too long, got kinda distracted by real life last couple years, just slowly drifting back into bluelight currently =D

Think I may try to blag some counselling, though i'm a bit cynical, expecting them to try and push an SRI script on me, or at best put me in group therapy (which would just prang me out most likely). Step 1 - read CBT book more often I guess. One of the things it mentions (as well as in this thread) is I should start writing down when it happens / what triggers.. I have found that just writing out my thoughts (and then usually binning them) does help me with getting them out of my head. Though it feels weird to see all the dark shit actually slammed out on paper into physical format, I almost feel like by writing it I further put them into existence and verify them. I guess I just find my own thoughts frightening sometimes.



Chimeric said:
interesting case OP. it's nice to hear that even though you're anxious you are capable of becoming intimate with someone.

i'm curious about the specific things about your SO that make you paranoid...
Click to expand...


Yeah, it's been a pretty long hard road.. been on and off with her for almost a year now, but we've only got really close last few months. Anxiety levels have stayed pretty much the same throughout this time though, just gone from quite vague and unspecific anxieties to more concrete ones now that I know her better 8(

And I briefly mentioned them a couple posts back, not gonna go into detail though, would just get prang of someone I know ever reading it :p
 
CBT helped me so much in reducing my anxiety issues but having BPD those thoughts about ppl hurting me are still there sadly (Plus I pick the ones I know are wrong lol). Since you didn't mention any other disorders My advice is do CBT , contact local mental health or public health clinics and see what they offer. Also reading the CBT books and doing the exercises is awesome. Getting hurt by someone is always a risk but why waste a wonderful thing by thinking of what may happen in the future. Stay in the now. Don't feel ashamed!! Its not your choice to have an illness hun. Would u feel shame because you had the flu? No it just happens. Med related I've been medicated for years and it helped me so much. Like anxiety so bad I could leave the house to not coming home for days lol. It gets better. Keep fighting. :) good luck
 
I feel your pain, ive experienced the same things pretty much my throughout all my relationships as an adult. I never really tied it to my anxiety though always assumed it was from smoking too much pot or being an alcoholic for years (substance abuse probably does not help though) I didnt even realize that i projected my personal delusions onto partners for some time in my head i was making out that these negative thought loops were reality & that was what was really going on. After fucking up a number of relationships i realized that it was actually me causing these issues & not them.

For me the first step was realizing what was going on in my head was not reality. Next i had to come up with ways to break my thought process out of the negative loop, this can be rather difficult especially when your anxiety is ramping up but pretty much i just needed to occupy my mind with something else (Music, video games, conversation with friends etc) I also found a little bit of self confidence & love with in my self helped running into these paranoid thoughts less frequent. Also if you have not already explain to your partner your anxiety issues as a bit of positive reinforcement can help with the frequency too.

I also have no idea how to rid my life of this burden fully & it sounds like you have already realized not to act on these thoughts (unlike me for a long time) so you are on the right path. Good luck in overcoming this & feel free to shoot me a PM if you ever want to talk to somebody in a similar situation.
 
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