Lost friend...losing mind.

[NotoriousBIC]

Hey everyone. I dont post here often, actually I dont really post at all, but I do read alot of posts. Any advice would be great:

About 7 yrs ago I lost my gf to a drug od. She basically died in my arms. This wasnt just my gf. We grew up as next door neighbours. She was my best friend. I miss her terribly. I still cry all the time. Ive used opiates to kill the pain, but I find they arnt working anymore and now Im a addict on methadone. I think I may have ptsd. I dunno...Im seriously sucidial...but have been since she died so I dont know how "serious" I even am anymore.

Does anyone find, after coming off opiates, that they can only feel one emotion? Like before I didnt care if the world was burning down around me as long as I had my drugs. Now all I feel is anger. Like SERIOUS anger. Like harming myself and others type anger. Is that just me?

 

[badandwicked]

Look up the Kübler-Ross model, it basically says that grief has 5 stages, and anger is one of them. The stages can happen in any order, and to any timescale. I think you should consider bereavemnt councelling, I can't even begin to imagine how traumatic this must have been for you. PTSD is a real possibility too, either way, it's far too much for you to be trying to cope with on your own. I know why you say 'an addict on methadone' - I have strong views on 'done but its a clear sign you want to clean up so well done for getting this far.
I think of some things that happened to me 7 years ago, and it really doesn't seem all that long ago at all. She wouldn't want this for you, get some help for her if not for you.

 

[NotoriousBIC]

Yeah...I know of the model you talk about. I have a ba in Sociology/psychology. I have thought about councelling, but every time I find someone I begin to get some trust with, something happens. My trust of other people is at an all time low.

Something has to change though.

 

[ADDlCTlON]

you should get some counseling yourself before you detox bro, detoxing off opiates while feeling like that is crazy. go to a hospital and detox

sorry to hear what happened, fcked up shlt.

 

[carrion Doll]

I know finding a good counselor can be hard. I didn't think counseling was worth a damn til I got a really good counselor and 6 months in she quit and took a job with kids who have suffered abuse. Which is where she was meant to be. BUT, the kicker, I have major abandonment issues. So losing her was devastating and almost ruined counseling for me. But I picked myself up and tried again. Took a few more counselors til I found a good one again but I did. I learned though what I needed to look for so I did not waste much time once I figured out the counselor wasn't for me. And when the right one came along, I knew right away. Hang in there and keep trying. You deserve it and you know your GF and best friend would have not wanted you to suffer like this. You would not want it for her if the tables were turned right? Honor her memory and do what she would have wanted and take care of yourself.

 

[Armandfist]

Notorious, seven years of pain. Four posts in eleven years. I bet you find it really, really hard to talk to people about your private life. Now coming off the opiates. Feeling suicidal. Its the perfect storm. Call a suicide prevention hotline right now...I think they even have forums/chatrooms if you feel more inclined to write. If you think the lid's gonna blow off, go to the emergency room now. Take care of the immediate suicide stuff--that's part 1.

Part 2. We get two versions of personal life history: (1) memories of events as history (whether good or bad) but just history or (2) memories of events (good or bad) with emotional attachment. Good emotional attachment--memory of the feelings attached to a first kiss for example--is great. Negative emotional attachment--memory of all the feelings of despair, loneliness, or anger after breaking up a love relationship is the shit.

You would probably benefit from learning how to change those memories -- from having negative emotional attachment to just negative memories. Its the emotional part that tears our guts out.

If you go to a therapist and have them do the work--yea, if something happens (they go work with abused kids), you're screwed and have to start over. BUT... if they teach YOU how to do the work, learn it and you can tackle the current problem and make the change. And if anything else comes down the road, hell, you've got the tools to fix that, too!

 

[starEkstasis]

hi NotoriousBIC you must have the potential to help an incredible amount of people in a really deep, unusual way with your life experience - it's the only real way to get the key to unlock others' pain & suffering - and your studies and qualifications point to a real need to get to the truth of something - I feel.

I believe maybe you feel you would like to join your girlfriend but that you have plenty of good still to do here and that inside you know that. I think finding someone, as others have suggested in this thread, who can help lift you out of your current pit to see things differently and help you find your own values and truth - would be they way. I know it is hard to even make a step forward into change and into the new when you feel you will be leaving someone behind - i feel you kinda want to stay in that experience you had with her to hang onto her energy and memory - but she wants to urge you forward so she can go with you into the light. She can live with you and through you and will help you always. That is love. It is eternal and enduring. No matter where we are in the universe. Also you will feel her more around you and with you if you do lift yourself up and your vibration so she, being more positive and of a higher vibration now she has left her problems and heavy earthly body behind - can unite with you again more easily when you raise your vibration out of depression and dullness - if that makes sense and join with her again in life, not in death. That is not the way. It is hard but it will make sense I believe when you make a start and start experiencing some success and positivity.

i understand about not feeling you can trust many people, and it's true! we have to be really fussy which means learning to value ourselves. and turning some people away and selecting who you believe really does have your best interests at heart - not just says so, no matter what organisation they work for, either. it's about discernment. but when you find a gem! it's an incredible feeling - there are some really ace, genuine, real people out there. i think you will find some good people here now you have started to reach out.

i hope you do not mind me speaking about your girlfriend as if i know what she wants. there is a reason for that. i have found my gift and a lot of ppl have benefited and i found it through pain & suffering and going as deep and far as i could too until i found my core - my real self - and saw i was not bad. i had to go inside and delve right down just to make sure before i could go and work with others - knowing what my real motivation was and what was deep inside me. i had to test the truth of myself first.

but you are in the dark knowing in a way, without being conscious of it, that you have this great gift of understanding how people really feel, and you know you can walk forward with it into the light of the world and deliver it where it really counts. and you can discern where that is, and where it isn't valid. some people don't want to know, do they?

but many do. we have to be discerning where we sprinkle our words of truth and our rejuvenating waters - else it falls on deaf ears and annoyed, angry faces. instead of wilting flowers just needing the strength to stand back up on their own 2 feet again. i hope you choose to go forward and find some strength to reach out and the right hand finds yours and you walk forward with them and find your way. and that in accepting help you will see how hard it is to be weak and yet how courageous to accept help and let someone else help you. and i hope that i have helped and not " meddled " where it wasn't wanted, in the way it seemed was apt and right

 

[NotoriousBIC]

I want to start by saying thanks to everyone for their kind words of support. They mean alot to me...esp right now when Im pretty low. I think Im going to try and find a new counceller. I think you all may be right...although I have training in the field it can sometimes be imposible to actually "councel" yourself. Whatever Im doing obviously isnt working. I did talk to my bandmates though and told them I needed a break. We were preparing for a 5 week long tour to begin in sept but I just dont think I can make it through right now...being on the road...as anyone in the industry knows...it a total bitch and can make staying clean almost impossible. Besides...my goddamn MMT program was going to make it really difficult on me AGAIN anyways. Where do the BIG rockstars go for MMT? I have a hard time believeing that Kurt Cobain had to dose at the fucking pharmacy every day. (Not to compare myself to KC but you know.) I really think its time to take some time for myself, to put work down for a while, and focus on getting better. Its easy when your a musician to get fucked up...I for a long time thought that I was just being an artist. I could hole myself away, get totally blasted on drugs, and when I came out I would have the most amazing music written. Instead of my manager/agent telling me to clean up, he would continue to tell me to keep doing it. Keep the money machine rolling. Ive got almost 10 people who are dependent on my "art" to make a living. Fucking slimeballs. More plastic friends. Im fucking surrounded by them. And people wonder why I never open up. No one cares anyway...at least thats how it seems. Anyways...enough rambling from me...ableton is calling. Thanks again everyone!

 

[cj]

I dont think Kurt was on methadone honestly. But I do see your point. If you have so many people working for you I would make it the tour managers responsibility to get your medication to you.

 

[NotoriousBIC]

He did...but it was a bitch last time. Since I have to dose every day at the pharmacy they just sent the script to each city/town we were in. But it was still a massive pain in the ass. It was easier going on the road with a script of oxy's which is what I used to do.

 

[b4rd]

No, it is not just you.

I am sure that many other people in the world(MANY many many other people) feel the same way as you do.

I would recommend an addiction specialist, and counseling, so you can have someone help you with what's going on.

Sorry about your situation mate, hope things get better

 

[starEkstasis]

a thought...

hi, glad u seem 2 be feeling more positive & taking a view of things. didn't realise u were a musician & were touring. i'm a musician too - guitar & a few things, but my best instrument is my voice & i write too. i haven't quite found the slot for what i do yet, & like my psychic (and new psychic art) work i'm not going to do much with it until i have found the right slot/niche. but i've bin havin a go at singing Staind recently (even tho i'm female) - my ex-heroin addict fiance introduced me to their music & it resonates with me in a way i can't explain. it's got him thru a lot in the past. he's been doin brilliantly on quite a high dose of subutex for last year and a half - no lapses. and has been laying slabs today in his own, new landscaping business.

i think it's great you are opening ur eyes 2 who u have around u and ur life. just, take some time because, i hope u don't mind, but i have laid out 2 sets of tarot cards out for u just now - 2 just to check the message. and u seem 2 have a great future, a new beginning just being held back by your personal sense of isolation (the hermit) and (2 of cups as a blockage card) you still being almost half of a couple, if that makes sense and not fully the individual that you really are. i think some of the people you are working with make a good team. i know we have to put up with commercialism around us and when we are genuine about our work it's annoying 2 c that, but those kind of people i don't think can create - only live off of others' creations so that is their loss, and we are lucky really if we are creators as you are. and anyway those we sometimes need harder people than us who don't mind negotiating for us and earning us our money, whilst we can create and focus on that.

just there are a couple of cards that suggest you might make an hasty decision and possibly be being too defensive/cautious ney even sensible

I applaud ur decision to take care of yourself - i just wonder if you could get the script sorted and not make a big deal of it - ie yes delegate that and deal with it somehow as someone earlier suggested, and focus on the music which i think is a real creation for you - and importantly in sharing that with others who will really appreciate what you do very well, i don't doubt . somehow maybe you will meet someone en route you are meant to meet who will put some colour back into your own life, and find a positive way forward - maybe get a counsellor recommended to you - or just someone you can go see, initially for the time being as a stop gap, who is willing to be a good mate/supporter. i'm just saying there could be a way of keeping on track with your music plans, keeping stable on your script, feeling positive and going forward and i think something will come of it.

see what you think. take some more time, maybe. i think it's great you have shared your worries and concerns about your mental health state with your band. that's kinda a problem shared thing. not that maybe they are happy that you may back out right now on this tour, but that they know the truth of how you are feeling right now. that's key. relationships/friendships aren't meant to be about smooth rides with no hiccups - they're about riding it out together, wherever it goes. honesty therefore is important and feeling the people we love and care about and spend most time with accept us for all we are including our weaknesses and downs as well as our ups and cheerfulness & talents. hope this is useful food for thought.

 

[NotoriousBIC]

I have had alot of time to think about everything that everyone has said. I really really appreaciate everyone taking the time to write. Just looking through the darkside posts makes me feel better, less alone, less strange and fucked, if that makes any sense. Since my last post not much has happened. Not much positive anyways. But Ive really decided that, if only for myself, Im going to write some of this stuff out. All the bullshit. It just needs to get out. So here it goes.

Im so tired of feeling like absolute shit. Like the mental part is to be expected. I had one counceler tell me that I had PTSD because my life has been like a warzone. So I expect to be fucked mentally, but in the past 2 yrs burning the candle at both ends is catching up to me. Im always tired. I usually feel like shit...my stomach usually.

Im tired of being angry. When I was between 8-10 I was severly sexually and physically abused by a babysitter. Like rape to the point of needing stiches to close me up. Its a very difficult thing to live with. I have a hard time letting anyone touch me. I dont like to be close to ppl. I find it VERY hard to be around kids. Its weird...I feel like I deserve to be angry. I wish I could go back and kill the fucker. But I cant. Its not going to happen. I just wish I could buy the house it happened in (which is 2 blocks from my childhood home where my parents still live) and burn the fucker down. Piss on the ashes. But even though I feel like my anger is well deserved, its not getting me anywhere. ITs just makin me a negative creep. And who the fuck likes those anyways? Its time to try and let it go.

Im so tired of being alone. I miss you Kristine. With EVERY molecule of my fucking being. I dont feel like I will ever heal from this massive wound. I feel like if I let it go I let you go too. Do I have to be chronically sucidally depressed and drug addicted to keep your memory alive? I havent smiled a true smile or laughed a real laugh since you left me that friday morning. Im so sorry. IM SO SO SORRy. I was just as young and stupid as you were. Im sorry for not going to visit you more. It just hurts soooo much. I will never forget the times we had in the netherlands togther in the months before you died. I was so happy and everything felt so complete...the exact opposite of now. I just dont see myself ever giving myself totally to anyone like I did to you. You truely were my other half and I will never forget you.

Im so tired of being depressed. Its hard work. My regiment. Crying, writing, listening to music, thinking, remembering, looking at pictures. My family finally took away some of my pictures so I would stop looking at them and move on. But the pictures that are the worst are the ones in my mind. They wont go away. The dreams. They are the worst. Its like a fucking tease...like your right there and I can almost touch you but NOT quite. Then I wake up and my usual bad depression goes into UBER depression mode for the next week or so. THen the regiment gets deeper...its like Im addicted to being so depressed.

Im tired of being sucidial. Its the greatest excuse ever imagined. I can take drugs, fuck my life up, and totally destroy relationships because Im going to be dead in a week anyways and I will show everyone. The problem lies in the fact that that week never comes, and Im left here alive, dealing with the consequences of my actions and decisions that didnt matter a week ago anyways. But who cares Im gunna be dead in a week anyways. Its a vicious circle. Its easy to live with no consequences when your going to be dead in a week. Ive come REAL close a few times, but ultimatly lack the balls I think. When I hear of someone whos committed suicide I dont think its sad, or a waste...I usually think "wow...that dude had balls...more balls than me." Ive even made comments like when someone mentions that its the cowards way out about how much balls it actually takes.

Im tired of being a drug addict. Like I love drugs, I like doing them and I like the people who do them also (for the most part). What I dont like is my lack of choice. Of NEEDING drugs. Of that feeling of "I would kill my own mother for BLANK". Of stealing. Of being dishonest...even to the smallest degree. Of cheating others. Of doing things I know is wrong or that would usually disgust me. The one thing about drugs that appeals to me so much is that they are reliable. They always work. They never let me down. But I guess even that is questionable. Its been months if not years since I put a rig in my arm and got HIGH. Like FUCKING HIGH. So maybe they arnt as reliable as I thought they were.

Anyways...thats it for now. Thanks in advance if you actually read this, but to be honest, I wrote this for me not for you anyways. Take care everyone.

 

[starEkstasis]

hi welcome back notorious

, hiya good 2 hear from u. ppl often seem 2 disappear wen i post these days. jus my paranoia i expect. i don't do easy strokey posts much since i started my real work. i dig deep but i do see, really well. tho it may not seem obvious. its future stuff or hidden stuff. nothing boring or obvious.
anyway, i ramble. ur story from ur past is a wonderful thing 2 hear in that it needed to come out and to us. and i am so honoured and glad u trusted us enough to share it.

soz ive had difficulty like a block and a break from being on line much. i get locked into my computer and forget the world sumtimes and i need to connect with spirit. they remind me sumtimes by making it hard for me - like my computer won't even charge properly at mo so i am holding the cable in a funny way so battery doesn't go.

i'm glad u cud find in kristine sumone u cud obviously trust and share love with, even after ur ordeal which was horrendous by the way. inexplicable really how anyone can do that to another human being, or animal even, but especially to an innocent child. and i must say for us all, I am very sorry and appalled

talking about this with a good, suitable counsellor is important i feel for even tho it was years ago - our childhood is where we form our fears and our hopes get dashed etc and our confidence issues stem like roots from right back there and get kinda crushed and bruised and twisted, our faith and TRUST gets destroyed. i think this wud be key to help u go forward, in some way. i don't no how but i see u talkin to someone and it being good and u smiling!

as for kristine well, i feel she can come close to you in ur dream state more than any other coz ur free of all constraints. they r only a state away u know. and u don't need to be dead to reach out to her and still be with her in a way. she comes and sits on my settee wen i type to you. that's bin happening on bluelight without me asking it to, since i've started answering posts where sumone on earth has lost someone dear to them recently. and that guy came and sat right next to me too. i don't c them physically so don't freak out. they are like dream figures but they smile and talk to me telepathically. that's how lots of channels work. they are friendlier to me than most living people
If at some point I can help u with some information from her, let me know and I will ask her for you. she is nodding so i hope that's the right thing for her to say to you at this moment - Love Star, and ur words about ur smile and laugh reminds me of the Staind song - SO FAR AWAY, "This is my smile I've never shown before..." mind u it's wen he's come thru it. I hope, 1 Day I can hear ur music! and you will have come thru it, notorious x Much Love - Star