Man I been on BL a good while but yall are making me wanna throw it all out...all that Ive been carrying. Almost feel like I am gonna vomit. God I am so sorry yall. It sucks dont it?! That loneliness...even in a room full of people...cause ya already know ya better keep to yourself cause of that monkey on ya back. To have every fiber of your being yearn for the poison thats trying to kill you. Addiction had me by 19. I was on prescription opiates for pain from about 11 years old consistently until 19 year. I wish now I had just gave up my right leg. It's hard to have friends cause if they arent addicts theres so much about you theyll never understand. If they are addicts...you keep it short and quick cause so many will rip ya off and you cant believe nothing they say. They still all about that agenda. I was there for years so I know. Addiction can have different phases depending on how long youve lived with it. Its all Ive ever known and I am now 44 so Ive got some experience under me. I've now maintained on suboxone for almost 15 years. I take 1/2 a day and sometimes even forget until that restless leg starts creeping in and goosebumps arise. But when chasing that dragon is still our no#1 priority we tend to fill our environment with whoever can fill our main purpose the quickest....so all we know are zombie friends...other addicts. I think this affects us more than we realize. It definitely affects how we socialize. I feel like I lived stuck in fight or flight mode for over 20 years. Idk if Ive ever got out of it. Maybe Ive just gotten use to it. But over the years Ive gradually become almost like a recluse. I look at others living life up and just dont understand them.
I just felt yall and related so much. Made my heart hurt. Yall aint alone and will be on my mind. I am in legit tears. Much love to yall. Heaven mjust be next cause we've done been thru hell❤
It definitely effects how we socialize, good post btw.
So I’m someone that grew up very, different.. My whole life from the moment I was conceived has been revolving around drugs and their use. Over the years I’ve changed a lot. I now occasionally have to socialize with doctors and professional types, I run my own business too so with that comes a certain level of professionalism too.
But I just can’t relate! All these people want to talk about things that either don’t mean shit to me or are just so far out of my realm of world experiences. While these people were playing games or doing some relatively benign childhood activities, I was robbing people near nightly, most nights also selling tons of bud, opiates, etc. The parties we used to throw make the stuff I see in the movies look like a joke. There’s zero common ground.
I’ve watched someone die in front of me. I’ve watched people get beat within inches of their life. I’ve beat people myself to the point of unrecognition. I’ve done things that I’ll feel bad about til the day I die. Those aren’t things that just go away.
In the end I just keep to myself, have very few true friends, and keep pushing along. I’ve accepted my path will be a lonely one, it’s been that way since I was born. Even back in the days when I was around degenerates I could relate to, I still felt alone.
When I do have to socialize I stay quiet and on the occasion I do start to speak up it becomes obvious “I ain’t from around here.” Most of the time these people push to be my friend more for many reasons that I don’t care to speculate on, but it all comes back to me not being able to relate. For them, I’m someone exciting but to me it’s like a death sentence to become one of them.
I always say, and will say til I die. If I ever become a norm, let me eat a bullet cuz that ain’t living. Khaki shorts above the knee, Fanny pack, polo shirt tucked in, being led around by his nagging wife who’s happy she gets all the say but simultaneously despises him for having zero balls. You know the type… Ya death sounds a better option to me.
-GC
