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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Losing hope (Neurotoxicity)

cyberius

cyberius

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 11, 2013
Messages
1,571
My meth use was a bump in the road 2 monthsish ago at this point but I'm still enduring pretty nasty side effects. I had used for about 2-3 years ending with some pretty high sustained dosing that ended very badly each time (paranoid auditory halucinations, unbearable anxiety, careless stupor).

I've been mostly sober since except 4 dxm trips, and 1.5g of ketamine. But upon introspection the side effects are so bad my hope is erroding. I'm going to a therapist starting on monday but mayhaps you guys could shed some light on this:

I have pretty severe and very frequent mood swings that rock my world constantly.

I'm still deeply paranoid about things that are illogical. I frequently end up with a head full if irrational delusional garbage

My thoughts are very loud and panicy to thw point of overload

I can't express myself correctly at all anymore, and when I do gather the correct words for the context its already way too late.

My intelligence and logical thinking has taken a massive hit and I struggle to find the energy to problem solve independantly

I'll often start fights and get aggressive because I can't speak cohesively anymore or be patient

It almost feels like I've lost my soul to meth and my body is just running subconscioisly.

Its almost as if I don't have any natural DOPA left, as human interaction feels like muddled interferance most the time. I spend most of my ahedonia riddled time awake living in reclusion.

Is this permenant and how can I help this? Supplements dont do much to help it seems :(
 
I used to IV meth every other day, for years. Eventually totally lost my shit, all my thoughts were irrational - even now, ten years down the road, I'm not sure what was and wasn't real back then - regarding some issues. Anyway - things were basically as you describe them for a good six months at least of being sober, but realistically it was a lot more than six months before I started having normal levels of anxiety again.

I don't touch the stuff anymore, I've used meth twice and coke twice in the last six or seven years and thats all for stimulants. Never again.


Stuff fucks you up, I ended up homeless at the end of my years long habit.

Anyway, it's also possible to trigger psychological issues - like schizophrenia, so you should probably get checked out. I doubt you've caused lasting, significant physical damage though. Just - takes more than a couple months to come good, quite a bit more actually.
 
cyberius said:
Is this permenant and how can I help this? Supplements dont do much to help it seems :(
Click to expand...

Don't lose hope. In my experience, it takes a fair bit longer than 2-3 months for things to improve, especially if you've gone quite heavy before.

Have you explored any short-term pharm options (like bupropion) that might help, while you recover, with your GP?
 
Besides regular supplements and vitamins I'd also look at the strong nootropics that raise BDNF and NGF - Noopept is cheap and readily available, it might help a lot with recovery. Also look into Agmatine. Try doing physical exercise every day as much as you can - it always helps IME.

Best of luck for you, stay strong!
 
I believe you should try to give a break to everything, including DXM.

When we quit drugs everything can be quite confusing. All the emotions, the perception of things we were missing, etc. You need to go through exams, but I don't this would be permanent. Whatever you are feeling will get better when you stop everything you are doing. Don't overthink, look for help someplace where you can get objective data. I wouldn't lose hope. We live through toxic times, and we all have been there for so long I'm pretty sure something will be different. Understand that the way you relate with these symptoms is more relevant and important than whatever it is that you are going through. Talk to your therapist, she'll know what to ask and where to investigate. Wish you the best of luck! Keep posting so we know how you stand. You'll get better.
 
cyberius said:
True, but living the rest of my waking life in a meth induced burnout is what I'd imagine hell is like
Click to expand...

Hello? Someone called me. Oh wait, I'm still on meth, and I was a burnout beforehand.

Anyway, the few times I've been out, and during the deepest of my burnout flambe's, the only remedy, brief though it is, is endurance tests outside. For me that means epic walks/hikes/climbs. As often as scheduling allows, cause I mean like eight hour deals. You need to have blisters afterward.

Ideally you'll have an adventure, meet some hobo or something who gives you a quest, like buying him smokes, which you should do, unless you're in CA where they're $10/pack. Be open and receptive, but make sure you're tired and a little sunburned at the end, so that you sleep like a dead baby and dream about hobos instead of your life.

FWIW, there are reams of data showing that Vitamin D is neuroprotective of the specific damage caused by meth (though not the damage caused by overheating), and works in therapy after meth addiction. So as far as supplements go, I'd put Vit. D at the top.

If at all possible, try to revisit places you spent time at before all the shit went down. I take long hikes through old neighborhoods to recapture the feelings I had doing the same thing two decades ago. It's sad and yet comforting to realize, no, I felt the exact same way then.
 
Your symptoms sound like classic long term methamphetamine use that is still something you are indulging in. You have posted that you have stopped though.

The damage is not permanent and having cravings is the main problem or should be the problem for you by now.

Using K and dxm is just making things worse.

Taking a six month break at the least might seem too hard but its better than casual use and feeling constantly psychotic.

Get seroquel and don't panic. Your dopamine levels do take longer and longer to return to normal if you are constantly running them down and seroquel helps a lot to reset your thoughts . You have to stop uppers and disassociatives for 6 months at least and learn to use in moderation in the future if you want to keep using.
 
Sounds liek classic symptoms of heavy Meth use- severe neurotoxicity/brain damage and the development of psychotic symptoms.Meth users have an eleven times increased risk of developing schizophrenia and from what you write with paranoia, anhedonia and seclusion its sounds likely that developed schizophrenia through heavy Meth use. I dont think that diagnosis holds much meaning, as what more exactly hapened is you fried off most of your Serotonergic and Dopmaninergic neurons and caused severe oxidative stress and glutamate excitotoxicity through heavy Meth abuse. Its very stupid what you did to yourself but I can relate as I have done similar terribel things to my brain which have lastingly damaged me. I cant say for sure, but Meth is the most potent neurotoxicant on earth and its very likely you inflicted a lof of permaent damage to your brain through abuse. If you go to a psychiatrist they will diagnose you with Schizophrenia and prescribe antipsychotics. I doubt that will help you much though, though I believe neuroprotective and neuroregenerative treatments like Cerebrolysin can help you a lot. Wont cure the severe structural damage and permaennt anhedonia and frying off you neurtransmitters through amphetamine neurotoxicity but it could help a bit.
 
I had a very similar experience from high dose IV meth abuse. I'm currently writing about it and will be posted soon. I had insane visual and auditory hallucinations and started having constant anxiety attacks.

Stopping my use of drugs was only part of my battle. I was extremely depressed and sucidal. While completely sober I felt nothing like normal and I was pretty sure I destroyed my brain. I could hardly leave the house and felt like no one really understood how I felt. Everyday was a struggle from my anxiety attacks causing intense chest pains.

These attacks only started after some of my largest doses. I was completely 100% certain that along with my brain my heart was done for. All the chest pain and regular heart palpitations left no doubt in my mind.

I had serveral EKG's done, and ECHO test basically a heart ultrasound, and some test injected me with iodine with a cat scan to show detailed blood circulation. Everything was always normal and was so hard for me to believe.

I did my best to convince myself everything Ive experienced is the psychosis and anxiety. Doctor prescribed me an anti anxiety/anti depressant SSRI.

My god the difference I started to feel was such a relief. Over time my symptoms started to happen less frequently with less intensity and less duration.

Around the 1 year mark was when I started feeling closer to the old me. Currently it has been 3 years and honestly never been happier. Things did stick with me from the abuse though. Chest pains still happen and memory feels weaker. List goes on and on about what feels changed since abuse.

The important thing is that if you stop all drugs even something as simple as weed. You brain and body will heal itself but with the amount of damage we have done to ourself takes time to heal. You may never go back to the person you remember before the abuse but you WILL get back to a point were you can be happy and look forward to Living LIFE.

You mentioned going to a therapist and I think that's a great decision. You need the therapy and Medication they provide. I'm no doctor but I would personally stay away from powerful antipsychotic meds. Always look up and understand what you are taking. Your goal is to heal not get sedated. Start slow with medication and build on it as needed and find what works for you and what doesn't. You may need other meds like high blood pressure pills ect.

I also suggest you find support like family or friends if possible. This can sometimes be hard but worth a shot. I hope you dedicate yourself to feeling better, so many give up and throw themselves back into the darkness. Good luck in your journey

Sorry for long post. Felt I really needed to say this
 
cyberius said:
My meth use was a bump in the road 2 monthsish ago at this point but I'm still enduring pretty nasty side effects. I had used for about 2-3 years ending with some pretty high sustained dosing that ended very badly each time (paranoid auditory halucinations, unbearable anxiety, careless stupor).

I've been mostly sober since except 4 dxm trips, and 1.5g of ketamine. But upon introspection the side effects are so bad my hope is erroding. I'm going to a therapist starting on monday but mayhaps you guys could shed some light on this:

I have pretty severe and very frequent mood swings that rock my world constantly.

I'm still deeply paranoid about things that are illogical. I frequently end up with a head full if irrational delusional garbage

My thoughts are very loud and panicy to thw point of overload

I can't express myself correctly at all anymore, and when I do gather the correct words for the context its already way too late.

My intelligence and logical thinking has taken a massive hit and I struggle to find the energy to problem solve independantly

I'll often start fights and get aggressive because I can't speak cohesively anymore or be patient

It almost feels like I've lost my soul to meth and my body is just running subconscioisly.

Its almost as if I don't have any natural DOPA left, as human interaction feels like muddled interferance most the time. I spend most of my ahedonia riddled time awake living in reclusion.

Is this permenant and how can I help this? Supplements dont do much to help it seems :(
Click to expand...

Hey man, just thought you should know that its quite normal to feel like that only 2 months sober. You need much more time...a lot of us do
 
as bad as im functioning presently i was far worse 3 years ago. however, im a rare case with multiple head injuries, poor education, poor health, limited will-to-live, excessive drug use, extreme isolation, and probably a rare case on the ASD-ADHD-OCD-bipolar-narcissist-spectrum; now, suffering from chronic pain and death-depression. You can improve in time with WU Wei, exercise, sex, and brain games. (all things currently holding me back)

good luck
 
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