pmz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 11, 2013
- Messages
- 550
Sorry for the long story, hope you have patience to read it.
So, I have been recently very badly burned by a weekend of a heavy MDMA dose. As a result Ive experienced a number of emotional and cognitive issues that have paralyzed me over the past 9-10 weeks. The drug has stolen my positive emotions from a once passionate about life person and made me very flat and constantly desperate for any happiness. As working as an engineer, its caused such a brain fog and mental anguish that I had to hard of a time working out math and formulas and various problem solving duties at my job to be able to continue working. I literally had problems visualizing drawings in my head as I was once able to do to get my job done. My libido is shot to shit, and my overall motivation and desire to get out and socialize is next to none, terrible insomnia, visual depersonalization, terrible anxiety and apathy. For the first few weeks, Ive had nothing but the most depressing thoughts of "if I dont feel better soon, ill have no choice but to kill my self" Thats how shitty I feel. Ill never do it, but thats what I was telling my self. Ive slowly accepted my reality and need to focus on breaking through.
Due to all my daily complications and worries Ive been at a loss for how to pick my life back up. I have not lost my job, yet have been given a leave of absence to get my shit together so I can get back to my self. Yet I have no idea how long its gonna take before my head clears up.
Im convinced there is a great physical change in my brain chemistry or structure and cant feel confident to go back to work until things clear up.
Normally with MDMA it takes a week or so to get back to baseline, Its been about 10 weeks now and Im just now starting to feel improvements. I know I had a large dose and why Ive been so badly effected and my GF didnt (she took the same dose) is a mystery to me. BTW im 26 years old and still live with my parents who understand everything and am very supportive to get me better.
Ive always been the most confident person, and had the notion of "if I dont know how to do it, I can figure it out". Now im filled with nothing but insecurity and self doubt and irrational fear that I cant handle things. Ive always been very charismatic, now am nervous to see even some close friends.
Ive literally been scarred by this fear because when I returned to work the weekend after I took the MDMA, I was not able to perform the skills that would come naturally to me that made me as good as I was at my job. It completely freaked me out that I was not able to think as fluidly as I normally am. Anything to this day that requires a bit of a thought process or planning brings up more self doubt and "holy crap can I figure this out" feelings. Its making me feel that Im not sure how Ill ever be able to get a career back together and be a independent person that Ive always been. All of this I acknowledge is very irrational, but I cannot control these obsessive compulsive thought loops.
Im literally afraid that I have done a long term brain chemical imbalance/damage.
So for the past few weeks that I have been out of work and not going out Ive been at home driving myself nuts in my house and doing nothing but worrying. Being that Im not back at work, I need to do something with my self and my summer. Staying at home is doing nothing but making things worse. Its letting me become more self absorbed that things are not right that my life has been sent in a tail spin. Ive been trying to do things to keep me busy, like running, some reading, helping around at home, but it only takes up so much time and I go back into the same depressed/anxious state that I have been in.
Something needs to be done to set my head in the right direction again. I need to get over this anxiety and fears and worry and some how move on with my life. Maybe this means I cannot go back to my old job because of the work at the moment is a bit too overwhelming. Ive been so focused on "how can I get back to work?" and the answer is obvious. Right now I cannot. My job was already very stressful and fast passed and overwhelming and if I cant be at my best how can I just jump back into work. So maybe this is the shake to my life that I needed to tell me that my job was not the career path I am supposed to be on and I need to find a new path to give me greater fulfillment. Either way, I wont figure this out pacing around my house.
My parents have approached me with an idea of going out for 2 months to an outward bound program. The program is based on putting a group of people into the wilderness(in my case, the Utah desert) and completely roughing it. Literally, sleeping blanket under the stars for 2 months. Hiking the land, learning how to build fires from scratch. Their goal is to teach life long coping, and self reliant skills to people who are going through rough times. As well as having therapy nearly every day
I feel like this might be a good place for me to start. At all times there are a few therapist who live with the group who anyone can talk to at any time. They say 2 months there is like a year of therapy at home. This might be exactly what I need. Anyone I talk to says I need to find a good therapist to help me resolve my issues. But I dont have a year. This accelerated, in your face group "roughing it" therapy based wilderness program might be enough constant stimulation to fire up enough new neurons and help me deal with any issues remaining so by the time I get home, I can have some answer on what direction I need to go.
So Im looking for suggestions on if this might sound like a good idea or not. Im hoping there are people in this forum who are familiar or have gone through with this program. Or also if anyone has a better suggestion something I can do to keep me distracted for a while and focus on getting "myself" back. Being at home is not the best thing for me. I need to get out and keep distracted and stimulated. Its the only way I see being able to heal to a functional way and getting on with my life
This is the website for this place. Second Nature Wilderness Program
So, I have been recently very badly burned by a weekend of a heavy MDMA dose. As a result Ive experienced a number of emotional and cognitive issues that have paralyzed me over the past 9-10 weeks. The drug has stolen my positive emotions from a once passionate about life person and made me very flat and constantly desperate for any happiness. As working as an engineer, its caused such a brain fog and mental anguish that I had to hard of a time working out math and formulas and various problem solving duties at my job to be able to continue working. I literally had problems visualizing drawings in my head as I was once able to do to get my job done. My libido is shot to shit, and my overall motivation and desire to get out and socialize is next to none, terrible insomnia, visual depersonalization, terrible anxiety and apathy. For the first few weeks, Ive had nothing but the most depressing thoughts of "if I dont feel better soon, ill have no choice but to kill my self" Thats how shitty I feel. Ill never do it, but thats what I was telling my self. Ive slowly accepted my reality and need to focus on breaking through.
Due to all my daily complications and worries Ive been at a loss for how to pick my life back up. I have not lost my job, yet have been given a leave of absence to get my shit together so I can get back to my self. Yet I have no idea how long its gonna take before my head clears up.
Im convinced there is a great physical change in my brain chemistry or structure and cant feel confident to go back to work until things clear up.
Normally with MDMA it takes a week or so to get back to baseline, Its been about 10 weeks now and Im just now starting to feel improvements. I know I had a large dose and why Ive been so badly effected and my GF didnt (she took the same dose) is a mystery to me. BTW im 26 years old and still live with my parents who understand everything and am very supportive to get me better.
Ive always been the most confident person, and had the notion of "if I dont know how to do it, I can figure it out". Now im filled with nothing but insecurity and self doubt and irrational fear that I cant handle things. Ive always been very charismatic, now am nervous to see even some close friends.
Ive literally been scarred by this fear because when I returned to work the weekend after I took the MDMA, I was not able to perform the skills that would come naturally to me that made me as good as I was at my job. It completely freaked me out that I was not able to think as fluidly as I normally am. Anything to this day that requires a bit of a thought process or planning brings up more self doubt and "holy crap can I figure this out" feelings. Its making me feel that Im not sure how Ill ever be able to get a career back together and be a independent person that Ive always been. All of this I acknowledge is very irrational, but I cannot control these obsessive compulsive thought loops.
Im literally afraid that I have done a long term brain chemical imbalance/damage.
So for the past few weeks that I have been out of work and not going out Ive been at home driving myself nuts in my house and doing nothing but worrying. Being that Im not back at work, I need to do something with my self and my summer. Staying at home is doing nothing but making things worse. Its letting me become more self absorbed that things are not right that my life has been sent in a tail spin. Ive been trying to do things to keep me busy, like running, some reading, helping around at home, but it only takes up so much time and I go back into the same depressed/anxious state that I have been in.
Something needs to be done to set my head in the right direction again. I need to get over this anxiety and fears and worry and some how move on with my life. Maybe this means I cannot go back to my old job because of the work at the moment is a bit too overwhelming. Ive been so focused on "how can I get back to work?" and the answer is obvious. Right now I cannot. My job was already very stressful and fast passed and overwhelming and if I cant be at my best how can I just jump back into work. So maybe this is the shake to my life that I needed to tell me that my job was not the career path I am supposed to be on and I need to find a new path to give me greater fulfillment. Either way, I wont figure this out pacing around my house.
My parents have approached me with an idea of going out for 2 months to an outward bound program. The program is based on putting a group of people into the wilderness(in my case, the Utah desert) and completely roughing it. Literally, sleeping blanket under the stars for 2 months. Hiking the land, learning how to build fires from scratch. Their goal is to teach life long coping, and self reliant skills to people who are going through rough times. As well as having therapy nearly every day
I feel like this might be a good place for me to start. At all times there are a few therapist who live with the group who anyone can talk to at any time. They say 2 months there is like a year of therapy at home. This might be exactly what I need. Anyone I talk to says I need to find a good therapist to help me resolve my issues. But I dont have a year. This accelerated, in your face group "roughing it" therapy based wilderness program might be enough constant stimulation to fire up enough new neurons and help me deal with any issues remaining so by the time I get home, I can have some answer on what direction I need to go.
So Im looking for suggestions on if this might sound like a good idea or not. Im hoping there are people in this forum who are familiar or have gone through with this program. Or also if anyone has a better suggestion something I can do to keep me distracted for a while and focus on getting "myself" back. Being at home is not the best thing for me. I need to get out and keep distracted and stimulated. Its the only way I see being able to heal to a functional way and getting on with my life
This is the website for this place. Second Nature Wilderness Program
