Long time, no talk. Help please...

[a100unitSHOT]

Hey guys. I haven't been on in forever. I was a heroin addict, and if any old members have read any of my posts. you'll remember me. If not, it doesn't matter. I struggled for a long time, but now I have a new fight. I need your help. I've been off dope for 233 days. That's the longest I've made it... ever. I want to and plan to stay clean. The only place to get dope in okc, I've lost contact on purpose. But now I'm on Subutex and it has been the only thing keeping me well. The only thing I'm worried about is the needles. I can't (or won't) stop booting my meds. All I have to do is put the shit under my tongue and it will all be over... but I can't. It's all I've come to know and the only thing that comforts me. I know it's damaging my body so anyone who can just say "just stop doing it, idiot," I don't want to hear your opinion. I know a LOT of people who read this will know what I'm going through. Those are the people I want to respond. I don't know what I expect you to say, but anyone who's really, and I mean REALLY been in my shoes and has overcome it.... please... I need to know how you overcame it.

Member forever,
A100unitSHOT
"I can't kick the stick." -Evan

 

[J@germe1ster]

Dude I dont know if I can tell you exactly how I over came the needle cause like you thats the only way I wanted my drugs. I can actually hold on to dope to wait for a rig I love it so much. I used to like you shoot my subs everyday for months. I got an abscess once that scared me a little but still continued. I don't know man I use to dream about brand new rigs with clean plasctic caps, fresh out of the wrapper, boxes of them... really kinda sick thoughts imo. Again call me an idiot but I enjoyed shooting so much I would cook huge shoots with barley anything in them not because I didnt have the drug but because I wanted to shoot up as many times. I don't know man I've been clean for seven months and that's the number one thing I think about. Not even really getting all smacked out but the feeling of the needle in my hand is such a weird feeling. I;m sorry if that triggers you or what ever but I truly believe I'm addicted to the needle equally as much as the speed balls. I wish I had some marvel wisdom to tell you but I don't. What I can say is if you quit dope I believe you can quit this too. I mean are you getting a rush anymore from your subs? When I was shooting my Suboxone I was at ceiling and using potentiators and after a few days it did nothing but made me feel "normal". Tis' a bitch my friend know this devil tha needle. Hope you the best and keep your head up.

 

[Georgie25]

Sup man,

I havn't quite overcome it but I too IV my suboxone. I wish I never started. I only do it because of my love for needles and the whole needle fixation addiction thing that goes along with shooting drugs. There's really no benefit from shooting BUpe for me, besides faster onset, so it's pretty pointless and dangerous for very little reward and I risk it 4+ times a day. But once you start shooting something it is hard to go back to taking it regularly...Just think of all the cons it has: shooting pill fillers if not properly filtered, missing and gettin an abcess or worse, hitting an artey and losing a limb, track marks, and addict behavior you're suppose to be gettin away from while on subs.

 

[love2party]

You should try snorting or plugging it, much less damage to your body. See if these ROA satisfy you enough to stop your from injecting subutex.

 

[a100unitSHOT]

Thanks guys. Once again, I haven't been on in a while, but I am still off of heroin. Thanks for all the support, Bluelighters are always the best. I have tried different ROAs, but now I'm used to the quick onset and instant gratification. I have cut my doses down tremendously though. I think that's what I'm going to have to do. I was doing three 4mg shots a day, then two, now I'm down to three 2mg shots a day. Slow and steady, I'm going to win this race. Thanks again for the support.

-Trying harder to kick the stick.

 

[smackncheese]

Good luck, man! I'm trying to kick as well right now, and oh, is it a bitch. I'm not having withdrawals anymore, but I'm still very much enraptured with the idea of using the needle. If booting your meds is satisfying your urge to shoot something, maybe you should keep doin' it that way then? Personally I think it's dangerous waters to tread in, but different strokes for different folks and yadda yadda.

Keep your head up. Life is beautiful. PM me if you need someone to talk to.

 

[TriggerHappy]

cutting.

for me, cutting and shooting satisfy the same desire. ignoring the drug/high part, of course. i know that cutting is usually associated with teen angst and self destruction. society views it as a physical sign of emotional problems... but it really doesn't have to be.

i started cutting way late in life, so i have a detached perspective. i'm an addict, and there has been some violence in my life. however, i came to view my urge to cut as just that, totally separate from any emotion. some days i looked forward to doing it, creating a ritual around it. i started to admire knives, drawing them and using them as symbols in art projects. i was very safe about the act itself. used super sharp xacto blades that didn't scar. bandaged the wounds properly and kept them out of sight from people. it was just something i did. months later, i started shooting up and there was no need to cut anymore.

i'm convinced the shooting/cutting compulsion is connected to the reptile brain. we like the sight of blood. pain is a sensation. i'm an intense person, so somehow the intensity of the act is satisfying.

this is sick, but if i'm going to write about this anywhere, TDS is the place--

when i was a teen i had a lot of acne, and i got a lot of satisfaction from popping zits. the pain, the sight of bodily fluids, etc. sometimes i would play the images back in my head way later, and it was like a private porn movie. gross and weird, i know. but it's all somewhat similar to shooting up (and cutting). and we all know that once the injection sight gets sore, we should stop hitting that vein, but we still hit it... through an open sore, ugh.

sorry for the graphic illustration, but no one has really ever offered up solutions to the needle obsession. so here it is-- indulge in a safe ritual of cutting.

 

[ferrita]

I was heavily addicted to heroin for six years. I was equally addicted to the needle. I stayed clean off heroin 24 years. A long assed time to still crave somthing and stay away from it. When I kicked, I did it down and dirty. Locked in a room in an apartment where my partner in crime wouldn't let me out except to cross the hall to the bathroom which I spent a shitfuck of time loving the cold tiles on my face ang almosy permanet imprints on my ass from the toilet while I sat on thit shitting my brains out while puking my damn guts up in the bathtub.

I didn't have a cell phone back then and my partner and a couple frinds cared enough to lock my ass away with no access. I didn't have the luxury of suboxone or methadone as subs went even in use back then to my knowlwdge and methadone clinics were impossible to get in and few and far between in my neck of the wpoods. They wpuld only take 20 clients at a time. And you were put on a waitibg list till some either succeeded or failed with the program.

I didn't have xanax or even ibuprophen or any type of aid. This was a brutal old school kick. I still think I barely survived it. Truth is it was brutal enough to keep me the fuck away from heroin. Truth is all I had to and still have to do is remember the sheer brutality of it. It was about 10 days of pure unadulterated hell and about a month to even get my strenght back. I didn't even want to quit lol. I loved and still do love it. But after what I went through I was terrified to go back. I'm glad there was no suboxone or methadone available to me or I think I may have went on amd off it for several more years with it or died from it. I had zero of anything to provide any type of comfort to me.

Three weeks ago I had it sitting in front of me and just could not resist the urge to do it. The look smell and thought of it still makes me fucking drool. But this time for some reason I cpould not resist. People were smoking it. I still don't understand smoking off of tinfoil. Lol. I'm almost 50bbwe pretty much rigged upbour dope from the get go. So people were smoking it and I was like fuck this take me to walgreens. Walked in bought a pack of rigs went back home and to the horror of everyone present proceed to cook my self up a shot and bada bing bada boom. Sheer fucking ectasy. I kept the rig and enough h for one more go round later that night. Got thouroughly fucking trashed.

One young man who I thought to be 24 -25ish grabbed a rig cooked up a shot and fired it up. I didn't know that he had never used a needle or that he was only 18........ugh...........I didn't know till he had it in his arm am asked if it registered and said just making sure ived never done this before. O said oh god don't hit the plunger and he did and all I said was oh fuck a junkie is born..........and he said yeah I'm only 18..........and he was nodded so hard about every 20 minutes oh god this is good. I wanted to die. When they left they took the rigs with. I dd my last shot bent the needle stuffed in a coke can and bent the can. I woke up the next dayband wanted the gd needle. Not so much the h but the needle itself. I can so relate to ypur dilema amd know many ex junkies who can as well. I hope none of this is triggering to anyone. For me just the mention of or to see a pack of needles in my moms bathroom as she was a diabetic would make me want to use so badly I would almost cry.

Ibwas off h for bout 9 months and discovered cocaine. As soon as I saw people firing it up I was on it. I wended up on coke 8th plus a day eventually for about 3 years and I swearbi started just so I could use that damn needle. I quit when i found out I was around six months pregnant and the baby was dead inside me and I was toxic. The fact that i was so gone on drugs I didn't even know I was pg let alone that my actions probably killed this child were catalyst in making me - causing me to quit. I was not even supposed to ne able to have a chile and the thought that my actions probably cost a human life were reallly tough for me to evn reconcile.

It was again a brutal thing for me to deal with emotionally and mentally. I still did and still do miss the entire ritual. When my mother passed on I had to go in her private bathroom and clean it out. I was okay and dealing until I opened the bottom cabinet and there were boxes. And boxes full of unopened fresh nags of rigs. I coulnt take it. I had to have a friend go in there and get rid of them for me. I even found her glass riggs with th un opened packages of real honest screw on type needles...................whew. I wanted to keep them. My brother asked for them. He said to look at them would remind him of why he neededbto take care of his body as both parents were type one diabetics and died from the ravages of the disease..................that perspective did much to change my thinking on my fascination slash addiction to the needle itself.

I hope you find a way to fight the addiction to the needle I really do and I think ypu are taperinbg smartly and wisely while you are weening off of sub you are weening off the needle as well. Sending positive thoughts vibes and prayers to you that you are as successful at quitting this part of ypur opiate journey as you have been with quitting heroin. Super huge congratulations on 9 months of no heroine. Bravo! Be kind to you. You are woth it

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I am so glad to hear you're still around; I used to see your posts all the time in Other Drugs.

I am glad to hear you're on Subutex by the way, it's good to be off heroin. I know what you mean by "this is the longest I have made it", that is how I felt when I finally quit using heroin while on Suboxone. I haven't used heroin in over 2 years.

My advice to you is to slowly taper with buprenorphine. If you can't stop IVing it, then at least use a new needle every time, rotate your sites, if possible use micron filters, and take care of your veins as best you can. I am probably not the best person to talk to about this, I am also IVing buprenorphine for many different reasons.

However a lot of people are also impressed with intra-nasal use, maybe you could try that to see what you think of it?

The best advice I can give you is to find a significant other (boy/girl friend); I have known people who lost all sort of craving for illicit opiates/IV use upon finding a significant other which meant a lot to them.

Having a support network of anyone (with or without a significant other) to help you through this is most definitely a plus.

You could also try NA meetings, I don't normally recommend them for people but this is an idea or example of a support network; it doesn't have to be yours if it doesn't work for you.

Best of luck man! I really hope things work out for you.