Long term realationship with trust issues? HELP!!!

[stovepipe]

Sorry in advance for the long ass post. Well, I have for the life of me been trying to hold on to a relationship with a girl who i tend to always question her being truthful & honest. We have been together for around 2 years now, I love her very much. While I do not for sec believe she has cheated on me, or question her love for me, she does hide things and does lie from time to time. For example, a text I read of her inviting a gay male friend to sleep in the same bed with her at a party. He laughingly said no you're not man, but she insisted it would be fun (wtf)? She said it was a joke, but the texts back and fourth would prove otherwise. She has no idea I read the texts, she is baffled as to how the hell I found out. She has been hiding addictions she said she quit years ago, like cigarettes and blow. Says she doesn't drink all that often anymore, but drinks all the time with her staff at her job but lies about it. I found out from a friend of hers that she never quit smoking like she said she did a year ago. She wouldn't do it around me cause I told her I do not date smokers when we first met. So she said she quit even though I knew she was hiding it at times cause she would come home reeking of smoke. When I confronted her about it, she started crying, saying work is tough, and it helps with stress and she was in fear of losing me if I found out. She rarely drinks with me, but when she goes out with her friends, she will disappear all day, not return my texts and stumble in the door piss drunk. Mind you her and I have never been that type of drunk since the day we started dating. She rarely if ever invited me to go out with her friends to a bar, let alone get drunk with me all hours of the night. I feel there is a side of her she misses a lot and cant be that person in front of me, in fear I may look at her differently. Maybe its the fact we spend 95% of the time together and she misses her old life, I dont know. She cried one night after a fight saying I am very controlling and she will not let me control her. I do not deny I am a little controlling, but mostly cause I caught her in her lies, blatant lies, and gives me reasons not to trust her.


She leaves her phone open a lot. One night I couldn't help myself but read some of her texts. Asking a friend if there was going to be blow at a party, or another text of a guy letting her know his guy is in town with some blow. Or another text of her agreeing to go out for drinks with an ol male friend who she mentioned was in to her. She admitted to agreeing to go out with the guy, but swore she never followed through with it. Also, super lovey texts with a gay male friend who comes and visits her at work all the time, and tell each other they love each other and shit, you know being super gay with emotions. She denied doing any blow, but later got a little upset and raised her voice saying "if I want to do a little coke at a party Im a grown adult, you don't control me". That comment screams you're lying. I do not want to date a chick who drinks a lot, smokes ciggs and does blow. I made that crystal clear before we started dating. I studied psychology and body language for a little during my younger years. It sometimes can be a curse knowing so well when someone is lying to you. We were trained to spot a lie a mile away. Sometimes I feel like I should have never taken those class's as your trust for people gets diminished. The way she looks me in the eyes and blatantly lies. It hurts inside even when the lie isn't a big deal. Am I wrong in saying you should be able to be honest with one another no matter what? I shouldn't feel that way about someone who i wanted to spend my life with.

I broke up with her weeks ago because I found most of that stuff out all within a weeks time. I just couldn't take the stress anymore. She of course cried her eyes out and denied most everything. She also would have her best male friend who she works with sleep over at her place (before we moved in together) after they got off of work (restaurant/bar). She would make up reasons why he needed to stay over like he is couch surfing and needs a place to stay. They would drink till the sun came up and god knows what else. He would sleep on couch (or so she says), mind you I was never there those nights. I met the guy a few times, to me he seems fairly harmless and dont see him as a threat. But with her being very attractive and his manager I know I couldn't keep it in my pants especially with alcohol in the mix. It was her house, so I couldn't tell her what to do. I told her numerous times I didn't feel comfortable with him sleeping there, but she would always say its her best friend and that he needed a place to stay and that he sleeps on the couch. She also insists that he is like a girlfriend to her. He would only sleep over on the one night out of the week I didn't see her cause she gets off super late in the morning. Funny how it was only on the one day of the week I didn't she her. I made it clear if he slept over again I would walk away for good. She got very offense and angry. I would never ever sleep over at a females house and drink till the we hours of the morning. One day I finally asked her if she would like it if I slept at a female friends house and drank all night. She said she wouldn't like it, but would consider it if she met the girl before hand. She promised me she wouldn't have him sleep over anymore cause she could tell how uncomfortable I was with it. We ended up moving in together a few months after.

Sorry for the uber long post. Im going to try and cut it short from here. After the breakup a couple weeks ago she vowed to be 100% honest with me from here on out. We had a long talk, and worked things out. Typical I meant the world to her, she wants to marry me blah blah. She has been trying to get me to marry her for over a year now. She sometimes doesn't get home from work (restaurant/bar) till 2-4am. So last night she texted me telling me she would be late due to some equipment being broken and her needing to stay till they repair it, mind you this is at 2am. Her and I have a strong connection, I can feel her emotions a. It was the way she worded the text that immediately made me question if she was lying. I went with my gut and drove to her work at 3am. Well there she was with that best male friend who would sleep over all the time, alone at her bar drinking, smoking cigarettes and shooting the shit with him.

I didn't see a work truck in the back, so I immediately knew she was lying. Maybe they did come earlier, but they sure were not there when she said they were. I even texted her asking if the repair guys were still there and she said yes, they're still here fixing the unit, they have parts and tools everywhere. Just go to sleep, as I might be a while. All this while I am watching her not even move from the bar. Knowing there is no repair guy, I texted her again but she was wrapped up into talking with him that she wouldn't text for while in hopes I would just go to sleep. So I decided to call her. Soon as she answered the phone they both scattered from the bar. She said she was leaving right away. I asked if the repair guys were still there, she said yeah their about done, their packing up and leaving now. To make it worse, I broke down and told her I came to surprise her but knew there was no repair guy and she lied so I hung up on her. She didn't know what to say, her male friend immediately walked out from the back alley and I know he saw me.

I ended up staying somewhere else as I didn't want to get in a fight with her at 4am. She told me the next day that the maintenance guys were actually there, but left a lot earlier than she told me cause she was having an important conversation with that GUY. She tried telling me she lied because she knows I hate him and that I would not like idea, and all she did was have some drinks and chat. Funny thing, I never once said I hated the guy. She made that up to justify her lies. Also, that she thinks I'm spying on her and she doesn't like that and says I am always finding excuses to dump her. Am i wrong for saying....then why the hell would you lie to me about it? She is only being honest now because she got caught in lie. She just continues to lie, but I will not deny I am somewhat of a controlling person. I know she lies about small stuff in order to not make me mad. This guy has become a nuisance. She talks about him all the time and it gets annoying to say the least. I did drink with them one night in the past. They would talk and get so into the conversation at times it felt as if I wasn't even there. I know they have a special bond which I am cool with. But lying to me about being about it ain't cool.


We both kinda came to the conclusion it is better to part ways. With my lack of trust and her constant lies only makes for one unhealthy relationship. We have been in so many fights the past month that it has really effected my health. My gut tells me if I cannot fully trust my partner I have no business moving forward. At the same time I know she truly loves me and wants to marry me, and when things are good, it is hands down the most amazing feeling in the world. Everything from the sex, to the love I see in her eyes, to the many things we have in common, thats what keeps me coming back. As a man, seeing my women drinking with another man at 4am and blatantly being lied to in front of him, makes me look like a bitch. If I was that guy I would feel like I have some kind of special relationship with her that I don't. If I was hanging out with a female friend all hours of the night getting fucked up and watching her text lies to her man about where she was or what she was doing, Id feel pretty alpha and very special to her. I also know if the tables were turned, she would be upset and feel betrayed. Anyways, again I am sorry for writing such a long post. Im sure most won't waste their time reading. But for those who did...thank you!! It really means a lot when someone you don't know takes the time to read about your problems and give their input. So I thank you all in advance for taking the time out of their busy day to respond.

 

[2minuteSnoots]

After the last bar incident I would have walked away brother.. I've been with the same woman for 7 years now, and if I tell a lie, it's cuz I'm gonna suprise her about something( dude ain't got nothing babe, then come home with 10 percs and throw them on her titties) those are fun little white lies, but hers were lies to hide shit from you.. Both partiest have to be 100%. Honest In relationships or there will never be trust. And I personally don't think you can experience true love until you have that connection with someone.

 

[stovepipe]

After the last bar incident I would have walked away brother.. I've been with the same woman for 7 years now, and if I tell a lie, it's cuz I'm gonna suprise her about something( dude ain't got nothing babe, then come home with 10 percs and throw them on her titties) those are fun little white lies, but hers were lies to hide shit from you.. Both partiest have to be 100%. Honest In relationships or there will never be trust. And I personally don't think you can experience true love until you have that connection with someone.

I could use 10 percs right about now:D I agree with your statement. Funny thing, I lie to her sometimes only because I surprise her with gifts on occasion. It's like a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I take her back, but she gives me reasons not to trust her. After the other night, I couldn't look at her the same way again even if I tried my hardest. Her gf's are texting me sob stories and telling me she has NEVER ever cheated on me and that she's crying none stop. That she has so much invested in this relationship that id be a fool to walk away.


Never once did I feel she cheated on me, but lying to me about stuff like that is not acceptable. Hell, she even told me a couple weeks ago she stopped hanging out with her male friends in order to not disrespect me. I lost count of how many times I tried to rebuild my trust only for her to let me down. Even though I love her so much, the lack of trust and honestly has been something that kept me from TRULY loving her 100%. If you can't trust and be honest with the one you love 100% it will never work. My heart and mind is so tired, worn out from constantly thinking. I want to be strong and not take her back. We were going to sign a new lease in the next week or 2. I just dont think I have it in me anymore. Thank you so much for your reply 2min! You make a lot sense.

 

[JessFR]

If you love her, you love all of her. That includes this side of her. She probably won't change, and to be honest, while she shouldn't be lying, you shouldn't be reading her messages. I do not see a lasting relationship with these trust issues.

Sorry, but I'm a believer if these problems exist in a relationship, you need to resolve them immediately. Because if they're not resolvable, you should both know now rather than years later when it's much harder.

 

[zephyr]

Im def no expert in relationships at all so take this with a pinch of salt if you want.

People in relationships do deserve and should have an element of privacy in their own lives. They should be able to text or talk to anyone without the partners going through their messages.

Sometimes people say what their partner wants to hear to please them, like quitting smoking, and continue to smoke behind their backs.

Its not to hurt anyone but to not dissapoint them.


Talking to other guys or having guys as friends is not disrespecting their partner. Assuming your girlfriend is fucking every guy she knows is disrespecting her though.

Its not up to you if she and her gay male friend share a bed or whatever. They are friends. Hes gay ffs.

If you cant stop needing to know every single detail about her and her other friends then it is you that has the problem .

I doubt you show her every conversation you have or feel the need to justify any female friend you have ever had.

Let her go. This is very unhealthy. You cant cut her off from her friends and acting this way is ridiculous. If she told you she was hanging out with her friend what would you have done?

Jeez.

 

[belligerent drunk]

You have high expectations of your partner, but are you willing to give back? As Jess said, if you love somebody, you love all of them; you don't select parts you like, and then expect them to fix the rest. If you want her to quit smoking and whatnot, then be there for her with support, so that she doesn't feel the need to lie to you, and that goes for most of other issues you have. And like zephyr said, most of the lies are most likely in order to not disappoint or hurt you, because you seem to be easily triggered by this stuff.

Bottom line is, accept who she is or move on. Forcing a person to be somebody they're not is not going to result in anything good.

 

[stovepipe]

Im def no expert in relationships at all so take this with a pinch of salt if you want.

People in relationships do deserve and should have an element of privacy in their own lives. They should be able to text or talk to anyone without the partners going through their messages.

Sometimes people say what their partner wants to hear to please them, like quitting smoking, and continue to smoke behind their backs.

Its not to hurt anyone but to not dissapoint them.


Talking to other guys or having guys as friends is not disrespecting their partner. Assuming your girlfriend is fucking every guy she knows is disrespecting her though.

Its not up to you if she and her gay male friend share a bed or whatever. They are friends. Hes gay ffs.

If you cant stop needing to know every single detail about her and her other friends then it is you that has the problem .

I doubt you show her every conversation you have or feel the need to justify any female friend you have ever had.

Let her go. This is very unhealthy. You cant cut her off from her friends and acting this way is ridiculous. If she told you she was hanging out with her friend what would you have done?

Jeez.

I think you summed it all up in that post. Reading it actually made me feel disgusted with myself. But that doesn't change what she did. Why did I have to find out she way lying, why did I have to spy and catch her in the lie I do not know. Maybe it is meant to be this way. But i realize I shouldn't have broken up with her cause of it. In just a days time, she quit her job, canceled the lease and upcoming new apt lease we were going to sign on next week, and has a friend flying in to help her drive back to her folks place across the country. Both of us are mentally exhausted after all the drama this month. Breaking up and getting back together 2 times just this month. After reading your post I really sat back and realized how controlling, insecure and unfair I can be.

She admitted today she lied cause she knew I wouldn't like her drinking with her male friend, that she doesn't feel like she can be 100% real with me cause of my insecurities. That she doesn't want to give up hanging out with her male friends. I don't mind a casual drink, but being one on one with a male friend in an empty bar at 4 am isn't something I feel comfortable with her doing. She always assures me it's just a friend. I guess I just get a little jealous seeing them get so deep in conversations. It's something her and I rarely do. I feel he has a type of relationship with her I dont. At the end of the day, she made me aware it is her best friend from the beginning. He respects her as his boss and doesn't cross the line as far as trying to hit on her or interfere.

Ive suffered from depression and insecurity issues most my life. I am a hard person to deal with. Wanting to know every detail of everything. The one thing I am certain of is that I know she 100% loves me with all her heart. Shes done more for me than any other girl I have ever known. She feels betrayed knowing I spied on her and went through her messages. Always assuming shes doing hurtful things behind my back. I feel stupid now looking back. She always tells me I am the love of her life. When I look in her eyes, I do for the only time in my life I see someone who truly loves me for me and all my flaws. After reading your post I now feel what she feels and how I am the problem. I begged her to stay but she seems to have her mind made up. She said the door is open if I want to move cross country, but she can no longer stay in this area due to all the stress it has brought her with me and other things in life. Her girlfriend even called me yesterday to forgive her and know she has never cheated, done more for me than any other man. She also said she always run back home after a bad break up, but ends up back here saying she should have never left.


Reading all these comments really has opened my eyes so much its scary. I love this girl so much, but I pushed her to the edge too many times. I hurt her and made her feel like a horrible person when most of the time it was me, not her. I let my insecurities and controlling nature get in the way. Im so emotional right now I dont know what to do with myself. No matter what I do there is no way to change her mind on staying. Maybe its meant to be this way. What makes this whole thing worse is Ive suffered from BDD most my life. I haven't let anyone in my life since my last relationship over 8 years ago. She is the only girl I have EVER felt comfortable around physically. With BDD that is a rare thing to find. Anyways, I am going to stop now cause I can go on and on. Thank you so very much for the advice and comments yall. You have woken me up and made me realize a lot about myself. So much so, that I have a lot of work to do on fixing me.

 

[zephyr]

It takes a lot of guts to take a good look at yourself and admit it when you have done something wrong mate.

Some time by yourself is good after a break up. No drama or having to live up to someone elses expectations.

Dont be hard on yourself about this.

Some people do need more reassurances than others from their partner that they love them and are being sincere. You do need to be able to tell the difference between someone who does not share their entire life with their partner and someone who is betraying their partner.

I dont know how to tell the difference but the more you get to know and love someone and do trust them, you dont need to be around them 95% of the time.

Its a good feeling to know your partner can go out with friends and be secure that they arent cheating and have them trust you. It just takes getting to know them and giving the benefit of the doubt.



It is worth trying to let go of insecurities.

 

[pofacedhoe]

you can see you own behaviours and why they cause her to hide information, at the same time your paranoia is so great and you are so rigid about this magical perfect list of things your partner has to have that you cannot accept that this girl has flaws like every human on the planet.

she is better off without you if i'm to be honest.

i can appreciate that the lies seem bad but there is a big difference between getting pissed with your friends and doing blow once in a while and being an alcoholic crackhead. they are very different degrees of behaviour.

you sound controlling and that would put me off. find someone who enjoys staying at home with you all the time/doesn't want a life of their own and give this poor woman a rest.

BDD is about always finding a new imperfection and surely in a relationship that means finding new problems all the time. its perfectionism gone haywire. you have to accept that life, people and relationships are flawed all the time.

 

[stovepipe]

You all know how to tell it like it is and I admire that. You are right in fact I tend to need more reassurances than the average person. Im trying to be easy on myself and also work on the bad habits I have and that BDD can bring. As the poster below said, I am always looking for the next imperfection. Sometimes I wonder If I will ever be capable of being in a relationship and not have to worry, question, need constant reassurance from my partner all the time. I'm messed up in the head. I have no idea how to fix me, or where to start. Reading all these comments did wake me up. Made me realize a lot about myself. I never loved anyone or anything in my life like I do her. Sometimes I feel like it is not true love, while other times I question what true love really is. She is a recovering alcoholic with type 2 diabetes who always says she needs to stop drinking, but never seems to keep her word. She doesn't take care of her health at all. Almost died from a damaged liver due to drinking and diabetes. What makes it hurt a little more is 90% of the time she drinks its not with me. I try to get her to drink with me, but she always says she doesn't want to, not in the mood or I have to work tomorrow. If do drink its only a couple. On rare occasions she will drink with that male friend till the sun comes up and be late to work. Never once has she come home late from work and drank with me in 2 years. If she goes out with her friends she will get wasted. Sometimes I feel she has a side to her that she doesn't want me see.


She wanted me to come to spend the night yesterday. We had a long talk. Told me she was excited to see me and going to have a quick drink with that male friend and then come straight home. She finally admitted to hanging out with him because I told her earlier in the day to just be herself and stop hiding things from me. I was a little upset she chose to stay rather than come straight home, seeing all this stemmed from her hiding being with him just the other night, but quickly just let it go. Well a quick drink turned in to 2hrs so I decided to leave. I live with her, but after what happened the other night I decided to stay with family instead to make it easier. She texted me shortly after upset I wasn't there, that her male friend was convincing her to stay to not move away, and that me not being there only gave her more reason to leave. I felt betrayed cause she didn't keep her word after all we've been through. In a case like that I would have just went straight home to the one I love rather than stay and drink, or at least keep my word and come home when you say you will rather than make her sit around waiting and wondering when I'm coming home.



I've never dated a women who's best friend is a male. She assured me they never hooked up before, but their bond seems very strong that I have questioned it. The last couple times I saw him he was very nervous around me. When I caught her the other night he ran quicker than lighting when I called her. Why would he run if he thought I was home waiting? She talks about him so much that it honestly gets annoying. She assured me their friendship is purely platonic, and that she is not attracted to him in that way nor does he try to hit on her because he respects her too much as a friend. As much as I believe her, I do know how a mans mind works especially with alcohol in the mix. He has slept at her house a handful of times with me not there. All they seem to do together is smoke, drink and talk. She admitted he drinks a lot and is kind of a bad influence on her. Would any of you women care if your man was drinking with a female friend all hours of the night? Is it possible for a women to have a strong platonic friendship with a man? What I haven't mentioned is my lady rarely keeps her word. She will say shes going to do something but never does. It has gotten to the point where I cant take her word seriously anymore. I take honestly and trust very seriously. I've never cheated on any women and always keep my word to everyone in my circle. I've told her how I feel uncomfortable with how much time they spend together. As a man, I don't him knowing I am jealous of their friendship, or me asking why they spend so much time together. She even admitted she would feel a little uncomfortable if the tables were turned, yet she keeps doing it. I do not mind my lady having a casual drink with a close male friend. What I dont like is her not keeping her word and staying out all night. Me, I have no female friends that I go out with, drink with or talk to on a regular basis. There is no female in my life she had to ever worry about, question, or think I am sleeping with.

You're all right in the fact I am better off without her. With this type of girl I will never be able to live a worry free life, will always question her word and spy on. Her girlfriend called me telling me she has a lot personal problems. Most of her relationships were with guys who didn't care about her, nor what she did or even questioned anything. That I am the first man to actually care for her, and at times she doesn't know how to react to that. They want us to live a happy life, and assured me she has never ever cheated on me. Today is a make it or break it. I let her sleep wondering just like she did to me. Funny, when I do the things she does to me, she gets upset. But when she does it to me she plays the victim, and acts like she didn't do anything wrong, always in denial. We will see what happens. More than likely this just isn't going to work in the long run. If I go there, we will have make up sex, then back to square one again in a matter of weeks. The sex we have, is the best either one of us has ever experienced nor thought was possible. No words can explain it. It's better than any drug I have ever experience and I've done my fair share. That makes it a lot tougher to walk away.



I feel kinda of pathetic having to resort posting my problems online. I cut all the toxic people out of my life. Don't really have anyone left I can open up to nor ask for advice. Thank you so very much to everyone for the support and advice You made me wake up and realize a lot about myself which I am blessed for that. Got a lot of me I need to work on. You have no idea how much it means to me that you took the time to read and respond. I love this community so much.


Stovepipe

 

[stovepipe]

you can see you own behaviours and why they cause her to hide information, at the same time your paranoia is so great and you are so rigid about this magical perfect list of things your partner has to have that you cannot accept that this girl has flaws like every human on the planet.

she is better off without you if i'm to be honest.

i can appreciate that the lies seem bad but there is a big difference between getting pissed with your friends and doing blow once in a while and being an alcoholic crackhead. they are very different degrees of behaviour.

you sound controlling and that would put me off. find someone who enjoys staying at home with you all the time/doesn't want a life of their own and give this poor woman a rest.

BDD is about always finding a new imperfection and surely in a relationship that means finding new problems all the time. its perfectionism gone haywire. you have to accept that life, people and relationships are flawed all the time.

BDD is about always finding a new imperfection and surely in a relationship that means finding new problems all the time. its perfectionism gone haywire. you have to accept that life, people and relationships are flawed all the time.[/QUOTE]


The BDD comment couldn't be anymore spot on. You're right, with this condition I'm always looking for imperfections. Then the controlling, insecure traits all combined drive me up the wall. I feel trapped in my own head half the time. To top it off I'm a super creative person, my mind thinks non stop 24hrs a day. Can't seem to control it and dont know how to fix it, or keep it at bay. I literally feel like Im in my own personal hell.

We do spend days just laying around the house. She rarely goes out with her friends, but when she does, she doesn't return texts, gets mega wasted then stumbles in the door late night followed by I'm sorry 20 times. She spends most all free her time with me. The only time away from me is at her job, but she never checks up on me, or calls. When they close down, she stays and drinks with her mates and doesn't get home till 2-4am some nights. She smokes so much medical green everyday that on her days off, all she does is lay on the couch, be lazy, eat junk food, not really do anything productive even though she says she will. She has type 2 diabetes which is getting worse and worse due to her not taking care of herself. She still continues to drink often, smoke tons of weed and ciggs, eats everything her Dr's tell her not to, nor do a lick of exercise as she is instructed to do as well. To top it off, she never checks her blood sugar. She just doesn't care. I've tried to help her and motivate her but it doesn't work.

When I met her I was in the best shape of my life. Going to the gym 5 days a week while eating a healthy diet. Going out with friends, going on trips. Now I've taken on her lifestyle, high blood pressure, gained 40lbs, lazy, lack of motivation, high cholesterol, borderline diabetic, rarely go out with friends. Her life seems to be her job. She works 50+ hrs a week. She gives it 100%. At times I feel like she takes her job and her work friends more seriously than me. I cut friends off for her. She gets 100% of my attention everyday. Maybe that's the problem. The less I care, the happier both of us will be? There are times Im able to control all my bad traits like not giving shit about what she does or where she is. It feels amazing not to care about all the small stuff. I just cant seem to figure out how to keep that going.


She tricks me into thinking I am 99% the problem in this relationship, but she is also at fault. There is more to this than I care to share with everyone, but don't be fooled, she is tough do deal with and admits it all the time. How she takes me for granted, how she doesn't put enough effort into taking care of herself or the relationship. She suffers from depression which is her reasoning for smoking lots of green. To me, thats the wrong way to treat depression. I really wanna give it another chance. Tell her everything on my mind and what bothers me. Lay it all out there, either take it or leave it. My heart cant really take much more, neither can hers. At the end of the day, I am sure we will part ways. We basically have to sign a lease in a few days or we lose the place we worked months to get. That would make her homeless as she has no more family here nor any that care about her. That was the reason for her to move out of state if we end this. Enough is enough. I can talk all day and don't want to bore yall anymore.



Thanks

 

[zephyr]

Its better off you take a time out from this relationship for both your sakes.

I hope you find a way to continue to be at least friends and keep in touch.

Relationships are always a work in progress and will need both to be having the same goal in mind.

Best of luck mate

 

[stovepipe]

Thank you! Got in a huge argument in the morning with lots of crying on her end. Surprisingly we hung out last night and didn't really talk about our problems. Just enjoyed each others company. She has gone thru with her move back to her parents across the country. Got a little over 2 weeks before she leaves. Sleeping in bed with her while holding her tight felt amazing. But as the night progressed I couldn't sleep, started crying, wondering why all this has happened in a months time when we had the next couple years planned out with a new apt we were going to sign on in a weeks time. Deep inside, I saw signs everywhere that this was all going to come crashing down eventually.


This male friend of hers has caused so many problems. Deep inside I do feel they have hooked up sometime in the past. I know if they did, she would never tell in order to not hurt my feelings. Even yesterday I told her he has more control over her than I do..She responds "well he hasn't broke my heart". That really hurt deep inside. I jokingly asked if she was dating him as well , she said, yeah the whole time. That was her being sarcastic. Why would she mention he hasn't broken her heart if he is only a friend? I'm trying to understand from a women's prospective. Their bond is just so strong I will never understand it, nor am I probably ever supposed to. Why did I have to catch her in a lie. She asked me to marry her over 100 times. I ask myself if I am the love of her life why would she do that to me. In her eyes its not a big deal, just drinks with a coworker/friend. What hurts more than anything isnt that she was with him alone drinking, it was the constant lies that stung. Lies, upon lies, upon lies.

With all my mental conditions and this being the most fun, loving, memorable relationship I have ever experienced, I feel like I am going to die from a broken heart or stress. She offered for me to come live a life with her there after she gets settled in. She doesn't want to close the door. There are no words to explain the magic we both feel looking in each others eyes. I just keep asking myself what I did wrong to deserve being lied to. Anyways, I will end it here as I can type all day. Thanks yall!

 

[belligerent drunk]

I can somewhat relate to what you and her are going through right now as far as the substance (ab)use goes, except I'm on the abusing end. My partner, before getting acquainted with objective information about drug use, used to be a complete square and thought of drugs/alcohol like any other person - bad, bad, bad. Then I came along and brought substance use (mostly alcohol at that time) into her life, which she disliked a whole lot. Before we moved in, I managed to separate my use and our time together so that she didn't have to know (not because I was trying to hide it for selfish reasons, but because it upset her). After we moved in together, however, that was no longer the case, because I've always been a home drinker. So I began to look for ways to hide it from her while living together, because it only upset her, and that subsequently upset me. I did all kinds of stuff like saying I'm going to go grocery shopping, and then quickly getting loaded while out before coming home. But still there was tension, and so after a while I moved out again, because honestly we both were quite stressed. After a year living apart, and talking about pharmacology and what drugs are all about, her old understanding of drugs slowly faded, and she became accepting of occasional use. We live together now and use together (not right now cause she's pregnant).

Moral of the story is, I can tell you from the other side of the issue that sometimes a person can lie and/or hide stuff not because they're a bloody liar, but because they don't want to upset their significant other, but are unable to stop. And also, after she became understanding, she also became supportive, and that has aided me in reducing my use and the harm that comes from it.

PS I don't feel like re-writing my post, but I forgot to mention that we had another issue - she has always been very energetic and always looking for stuff to do, while I'm very passive and like to just sit and relax at home after work (and take something, not to the point of serious intoxication, but just to unwind a little). She was also upset with me because I didn't want to be active up until late evening, and that also was one of the main reasons I decided to move out - I wanted to live like I did before, where I could just chill in peace. Again, with years she became more accepting of the fact that people are different and may prefer different pastimes. So we've successfully found a compromise - we do stuff together, but I also get to just sit and do nothing. Everyone wins.

E: as far as her male friend, everyone's different when it comes to jealousy. I've never been a jealous person, and I gladly let (and even suggest) her spend time with other males, whom she has more history with than me. However I also know she's not a cheater, but I guess that kind of understanding comes with time. But when it does, it feels great, because we both know that we can spend time apart and don't have to worry about anything.

Best of luck.

 

[stovepipe]

Thank you for the post drunk! Did you move out for a little bit and get back together? Or break up for a little get back together? I just couldn't seem to accept the kind of person she is even though for the life of me I know she loves me with all her heart as i do. She always told me not worry about her ever cheating. She reminded me that women who have a lot of guy friends are the coolest chicks to date. I have all the bad traits that make a relationship with me super difficult. But at the same time, I have a lot to offer that most women say they never experienced and love about me. I haven't dated a lot of women due to my BDD and severe depression, where as she has had her fair share of relationships. I tend to stay home a lot and keep to myself, while she works in a bar and surrounded by friends and alcohol all the time. At times I feel her working in that environment played a little role in use getting in fights, her temptation to stay late and drink even though she didnt want to. Whats weird is everything we get in a fight for I learn from it, everything is good for a little, then I go back to the constant jealously, questioning everything and my insecurities. That is what drove her up the wall. Having to constantly be poked and prodded thinking shes hiding something when she already made it clear she isn't hiding anything over and over again. I guess knowing shes leaving, it has woken me the fuck up and realized what I had was so special. That saying you dont know what you have till its gone.


We were the same as you in the fact she liked to smoke ganja n lay around the house most days, while I liked to be active and save the partying for before bed. It clashed a lot cause im not a smoker like I used to nor care about it much. Having to smell it and watching her take rips all day would annoy me to say the least. Her and I both loved doing oxy morphine together though. That shit was so much fun with her. Our careers were totally opposite of each other. She works crazy long hrs while I work from home at my leisure. Im starting to now realize that all the free time I have everyday I spend thinking mostly of negative thoughts and assuming things. I ended up more like her which was frustrating because I gained a lot of weight in the process, where as before I met her I was in the gym almost daily eating healthy . No matter how hard I tried to live the healthy lifestyle I wanted, I just couldn't do due to her always getting me to try and smoke, while cooking me unhealthy meals all the time.



I know she does some things behind my back that I might not like, but she doesn't tell me in order to not disappoint me like you all mentioned. Once told me her ex texted her to see how she was doing, but I didnt care one bit about it. As I stated I go though behaviors that can last days, weeks or months like not giving a shit about what she does. Im guilty as well, but she doesn't know that which isn't fair. I play mind games making her think Im perfect, but I do stuff just like she does. The one thing I have never done though is hang out alone with female friends mainly cause I dont have any left. I wish i did, but I dont. She has many guy friends and Its hard to deal with at times. I just wish I could not care. After me catching her last week with her male friend, I had a chance to make things right. But I keep assuming there was more and ignored her. Stalling in letting her know I forgive her made her act quick to move cause our current lease is up in a couple weeks. So I lost the love of my life in the process.

After a fun night with her yesterday. I left early today all emotional knowing Im going to lose her in weeks time. I wrote her a long text asking why she would hide things from me if I was the love of her life, and if there is anything else she may be hiding. She immediately said I cant take this anymore and its better off we part ways for good. I just cant handle this constant reassurance, the neediness you make me feel that I cry so much that I can't do it anymore. Please accept this is over.

I drove over right away and she was mad I showed up. She told me im done and I need to accept it and move on. Ended up talking a shower with her and we both cried for a long time. I told her everything about her I love and how i didn't want her to leave. That I was planning to marry her next year. Non stop emotional crying. She finally said this is my last chance. She will move out of state, If I want to follow I can come shortly after she settles in. Told me a childhood male friend is flying in to help her move and that is only a friend and to not be jealous or think anything negative. I totally accepted it and didn't bother me. This is the most fun and awesome women I've ever met. If only I could have woken the fuck up I wouldn't be in this position. Guess all I can do at this point is work on myself. I'm terrified of how emotional I am going to get when shes leaves and how I am going to cope with the pain in the long run. I slept in her bed with her last night but I couldn't really sleep cause I was so sad. She also told me if it doesn't work out there, she will come back here so we can get married and start over. Just pray to god I can deal with the pain and suffering that is coming. My last relationship of 5 years was tough as hell to get over for not even being in love with her. This was just shy of 2 years, but we did so much in that time on top of being madly in love. She always called me her life partner. Always told she couldn't wait to grow old with me. Most people dream of finding someone like that and here I am lucky enough, but dumbest enough to lose it. Im done!


Thanks again

 

[belligerent drunk]

We spent a year living apart.

My lady used to need a lot of reassurances as well, which kind of annoyed me. The point of a serious relationship is not that both parties are perfect for each other (although it can happen), but that they accept each other's imperfections and try to live with that.

 

[stovepipe]

We spent a year living apart.

My lady used to need a lot of reassurances as well, which kind of annoyed me. The point of a serious relationship is not that both parties are perfect for each other (although it can happen), but that they accept each other's imperfections and try to live with that.

Sometimes folks in really special relationships need a little time apart. After all thats happened im learning to just accept her for who she is. Just sucks it happened at the worst possible time. We told each other we need to work on our selves then see what happens. Neither one of us is closing the door. I def feel I need to work on myself as did she. She is always putting the blame on me, but never takes responsibility, nor ever says what it is she does wrong. Always just says yeah im sorry for what Ive done and Im not easy to deal with. Seems to play the victim a lot. Doesn't like to talk in detail. Are you two still together?

 

[2minuteSnoots]

Im def no expert in relationships at all so take this with a pinch of salt if you want.

People in relationships do deserve and should have an element of privacy in their own lives. They should be able to text or talk to anyone without the partners going through their messages.

Sometimes people say what their partner wants to hear to please them, like quitting smoking, and continue to smoke behind their backs.

Its not to hurt anyone but to not dissapoint them.


Talking to other guys or having guys as friends is not disrespecting their partner. Assuming your girlfriend is fucking every guy she knows is disrespecting her though.

Its not up to you if she and her gay male friend share a bed or whatever. They are friends. Hes gay ffs.

If you cant stop needing to know every single detail about her and her other friends then it is you that has the problem .

I doubt you show her every conversation you have or feel the need to justify any female friend you have ever had.

Let her go. This is very unhealthy. You cant cut her off from her friends and acting this way is ridiculous. If she told you she was hanging out with her friend what would you have done?

Jeez.

I feel ya dude, gotta be able to have private lives, but i thinks it's more privilege than right. If you devote yourself to someone then there should never be "mandatory privacy" lol that would just send up red flags.. My old lady can go off and do whatever and so can I, but there's no reason to question each other's motives, so I guess it comes back to trust.. If she feels se has to lie too you,, and you feel that you can't trust her on anything, tht ship sailed long ago bud. That's not what love feels like man, real love will find you when you quit expecting to find it brother

 

[belligerent drunk]

Sometimes folks in really special relationships need a little time apart. After all thats happened im learning to just accept her for who she is. Just sucks it happened at the worst possible time. We told each other we need to work on our selves then see what happens. Neither one of us is closing the door. I def feel I need to work on myself as did she. She is always putting the blame on me, but never takes responsibility, nor ever says what it is she does wrong. Always just says yeah im sorry for what Ive done and Im not easy to deal with. Seems to play the victim a lot. Doesn't like to talk in detail. Are you two still together?

We're getting married end of the month.

 

[stovepipe]

I feel ya dude, gotta be able to have private lives, but i thinks it's more privilege than right. If you devote yourself to someone then there should never be "mandatory privacy" lol that would just send up red flags.. My old lady can go off and do whatever and so can I, but there's no reason to question each other's motives, so I guess it comes back to trust.. If she feels se has to lie too you,, and you feel that you can't trust her on anything, tht ship sailed long ago bud. That's not what love feels like man, real love will find you when you quit expecting to find it brother

You make great sense of what I was trying to get at, privacy being somewhat of a privilege. I devote myself to my lady 100% each and everyday. I never intended on ever invading her privacy. She just kept giving me reasons to think she was hiding something even though she looked me in the eyes and said she would always be 100% real with me and that I was her soul mate/lifer. Fucking with my head while I'm walking on egg shells wondering. Is it a coincidence the one time I act on my gut instinct and catch her red handed? What makes it even harder to deal with is she admitted she lied only because she got caught, but acts as if it no big deal hiding the fact shes having drinks at her empty bar one on one with her male friend, shows no emotion, and is in major denial while playing the victim cause I spied on her.

Am I the only one on this forum who thinks it's disrespectful for your significant other who has asked you to marry them to have drinks in an empty bar with a friend of the opposite sex? I can understand if you just started dating someone new, but a serious relationship with someone who you planned to marry and live with? She always said how excited she was for me to move so when she gets off a late night of work Id be there waiting. Ever since we moved in those late nights seemed to be a lot later, with her never seeming to be excited to see me like she use to when she would close the resuternat done fast, kick everyone out to rush home and be walk in that door so happy I was there.

She told me on a couple of occasions how some of her ex's always accused her of cheating on them with her coworkers. Well now I know why. She gave them many reasons to think that way. I never once in almost 2 years ever gave her a single reason to think I was hiding something. I felt that I was walking on egg shells most of my relationship. Now 99% of me doesn't think she slept with anyone else, but that 1% doubt drove me up the wall. Also knowing how accurate my gut instinct is, I now wonder what else she has hid from me.

I chose to stay at the apt with her til she moves in a couple weeks which may be a bad idea. We have been kissing, having sex, and acting like nothing happened. Her male friend is flying in to help her move. As payment she is letting him stay there for a few days. Dont like the idea, but she assured me they're childhood friends. No way could I stay there with them, nor did she ask me to. For her to not even ask me if its cool as thats my place to, I pay rent. My king size bed is in there. I tihnk the morning she leaves to pick him up I am going to take my bed, and let her sleep on the couch and him on the recliner. So she can feel what its like to have sat around many nights waiting all hrs of the night for her to come home like a pet dog or cat.

Ive been kissing her ass to stay, buyin her flowers and being ultra sweet. Why am I doing this when I am the one who was lied to, betrtayed and stood up many nights? I have no idea. Well last nigt she ignored my textys, so at 4am i decide to text her sweet dreams. I know she gets off at 2:30, so she was lying again. She later texts im leaving now. She always seems ignore me on the nights she closes and gets off in the am. Hoping Im sleeping so I have no idea what time she gets home. Of course she walks in at almost 5am. Comes in the room, wakes me up to say hi, then closes the door while leaving a smelly trail of alcohol and ciggs . Being as I couldn't for life of me life due to being so sad n angry. I walk out to living room to take another sleeping pill. She proceeded to tell me sorry she was so late, it wasn't her fault. I immediately replied "its never your fault is it". She immediately saw how sad and let down I was, and how guilty she was.

I decided to just leave and go for a long drive. She wanted to come with me only cause she felt sorry for me. When I left she text me to please come back. I replied back quick, but she didn't reply to she woke up this morning. During that drive I finally realized how blind Ive been in almost a year of 3 things that have broken us apart. How many times I heard her tell me sorry, breaking her word, and her making me feel like I was her #2, not her #1. For her to show me little to no emotion since the split. Her spending her remainging nights closing, drinking with her male friend while lying to me god knows how many times. Don't know why I keep wasting my time writing these long posts and kissing her ass. I need to accept everything was meant this way and move on with my life. She stated she isn't closing the door on us, wants me to come visit and hopefully decide to stay. Her working at a restaurant/bar seems to be what ended us. When she moves, she is also going to work at a bar. Better I delete her and block her number to make it easier for the both of us. Thank you all again for the advice along with taking the time to help.

We're getting married end of the month.

Wow wasnt expecting you to say that. Congrats my man! Wish you both a happy healthy life.