Living with a 'recovering' addict

[Kindledspirit]

Hello, I am writing here really as a last resort;

I am only young and currently live with my boyfriend and he is an addict, he had problems before our relationship which I didn't find out about until a number of months into the relationship. (He was on subutex)

He tried to detox from Oxycodone shortly after I found out about the problems he had had but used benzo's to help through the withdrawal, he then got addicted to those.

A little down the line and he was back on the subutex and taking benzo's.. In the past year I have tried to talk him into stopping with the drugs, each time it gets worse.. In the past year I have seen him go from taking Valium, to what were legal high chem test pills like clozolam, to heroin, tramadol, morphine..
Never in my life did I think I would have to ever witness a person on heroin, especially not in my own home.. It made me feel sick and ashamed

We also moved in together earlier this year, this is very difficult and upsetting to live with when I don't choose to take drugs.. I used to feel uncomfortable around people who smoked weed before our relationship ( that's no longer an issue) but you can imagine how I feel..

At the moment I'm being lied to daily... "He hasn't taken any" when I assume he has, he makes out that I'm crazy for assuming he's on drugs when "he isn't" even though I later find he is...

Sometimes he takes days off work at a time and I'm scared he'll lose his job if it happens again..
He tells me he wants to be with me but does everything to hurt me.. I want to be how we were at the start of our relationship

I just want someone to tell me if I'm fighting a losing battle? Should I give up? Is he in too deep to be saved?

The one thing I don't want to do, is give up... But after over a year of trying to make him stop, after it getting progressively worse recently, with harder drugs and more lying... Do I have to leave?

I am 19 years old and have never taken a drug in my life, I have to deal with this daily, my parents are clueless as I'm too ashamed to tell them about what I'm dealing with. I feel very alone and I am scared.
I'm sick of living a double life
I just need some clarity

 

[manboychef]

You are very young. This is a bad situation. Just know this is part of the problem with substance abuse disorder and it is not your fault. Here you should check this out.

Are You In a Codependent Relationship?

Read up on this stuff. It will help explain a lot more. If you feel you may be in a codependent relationship I would suggest hitting up an ALANON meeting, or even an ALATEEN meeting.

 

[cj]

Your most likely fighting a losing battle as far as your relationship with him goes. It sounds like he is in addictive addiction and just using the subutex when he cant afford other opiates. I suggest you find somewhere else to live and end the relationship cause he is not very likely to quit anytime soon. Also even if he quit for your relationship it wouldn't be healthy as he would always have resentment towards you. Honesty is the foundation of healthy relationships and there is none there for you two.

 

[Blueishiding]

Set an ultimatum. It's either the drugs or you. If he doesn't quit then leave.

You are 19, still young. A whole life ahead of you. Understand that no matter how big of a deal this seems, you will get over it. Don't waste any more time with someone who lies to you, and don't let him bring you down with him.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Really sorry to read this. My heart breaks when I think of all that I have lost due to my addictions. Such a pointless waste. I agree with what's said above, the power, unfortunately, is NOT in your hands. Try not to blame him too much, opiates & benzos deceive the user, turn them into waking sleep-walkers. I know from personal experience. That being said, I would never expect anyone to have to put up with me whenever I went through one of my drug 'episodes'. If he's not willing to take responsibility, there's not much else to be done.

 

[Kindledspirit]

Thank you for your replies, think it's time to have a long think about this, I'm constantly filled with anxiety and paranoia and it's just not a good situation to be in.

 

[dopemaster]

Good luck going into a relationship trying to change someone.

If someone comes off drugs for any reason other than themselves it isn't going to stick. People will bullshit. Being on suboxone is still using in my opinion. It is a stepping stone but so many people stay on that stuff for a long time.

Long story short, I have left women I really liked just because they were doing drugs I didn't want to use. That being said I have promised to clean up my act and even have temporarily.

I do remember going to detox and getting out and within a few weeks growing apart from my wife. That was a very long time ago and well I suppose binge drinking was one thing we had in common and with both of us sober we knew things were coming to an end and accepted it.

If I was 19 and not using opiates, I wasn't then, I would not be in a relationship with an opiate addict. If I was I probably would have used them too. But I didn't put up with a junky unless I was one too.

I guarantee you these type of relationships are almost always unhealthy and so on. I could go on forever about co-dependent relationships and that is about 50 percent of SLR posts on here.

 

[belfort]

Thank you for your replies, think it's time to have a long think about this, I'm constantly filled with anxiety and paranoia and it's just not a good situation to be in.

my advice is get away from him..you are only going to be hurt and lied to until he decides to get clean..you are young, go find another guy...just level with your bf and tell him you love him but just watch him do this and leave..

i cannot imagine a sober girl going with me or dealing with my heroin addicted self years back..ugghh

 

[manboychef]

my advice is get away from him..you are only going to be hurt and lied to until he decides to get clean..you are young, go find another guy...just level with your bf and tell him you love him but just watch him do this and leave..

i cannot imagine a sober girl going with me or dealing with my heroin addicted self years back..ugghh

One of the things that causes my heart to break when I think on it is the fact that I used women to get my drugs. I was incapable of not hurting those that cared for me when I was using. This is such a sad feeling because I know how it feels due to just having my life implode when my ex that was an addict used me. I went off the deep end when that happened, and my rallying battle cry was "I don't care."

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

One of the things that causes my heart to break when I think on it is the fact that I used women to get my drugs. I was incapable of not hurting those that cared for me when I was using. This is such a sad feeling because I know how it feels due to just having my life implode when my ex that was an addict used me. I went off the deep end when that happened, and my rallying battle cry was "I don't care."

My gut twists when I think about my benzo-crazed self. I was an entirely different person, violent and conniving at times. All sorts of out of character behaviour. It's sort of like being possessed, but at the end of the day I still had to take responsibility for those actions. Those drugs landed me with a criminal record and everything, such a shame.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It's good you are aware of how fucked your situation is. Only through that awareness can you change it, ideally for the better, hopefully not for the worse, but only time will tell.

Don't mean to be an asshat, but that's all I have to say on this subject.

What a sad, sad, sad situation, one I myself can also relate to in more, from both sides of the picture. Shitty all around.

Expect to get hurt. Expect to grow. Expect to move on.

You are so young. You have so much to look forward to, don't tie yourself to any one or things. The best thing change always in the most marvelous of ways

Much love to you OP, hope all is well or going kinda okay atm

 

[manboychef]

Dump him like an infomercial cake.

 

[CBNJ2357]

Having too been on both sides, once being a heroin addict with someone sober then being the recovering addict in a relationship with someone in active addiction I know it's not a fun situation.

As the user I too often lied because I felt that it was my issue alone to deal with and I truly was in love with my now ex and didn't want to lose her. Sadly though it wasn't until getting sober that I realized how my lying about the usage still surmounted to lies which in turn ruined the trust built over our seven year relationship. On top of that it took me a while to realize how she must have felt with drugs becoming my main priority and seeing me with a bright future turn to a candidate for intervention. Also, to this day I can't express the regret I have of her having to have held me in her arms thinking I'm dying as I overdosed. The whole ordeal was so traumatic that in the end it didn't just change the person I was but who she ended up being, personality and all. She stuck around a good couple years but eventually left after 7 years. Initially I resented her for it, but after getting my mind right I no longer do, and in fact am happy she chose to.

As the sober one these thoughts were only reinforced in my mind and I got to experience the first hand experience of constantly being lied to and neglected. Perhaps because I was in recovery I was a bit more understanding, but i used to tell her I'd rather her fess up and talk to me about it vs just lying like I was stupid. When she relapsed after rehab I was on the verge of leaving after our two years together, but she cheated with a mutual friend (another addict) ending it all anyway.

Honestly, and it pains me to say it as you seem to be in the position as my ex that was with me using, but in the end it may be the best option for both of you. There is only so much you can do, and as much as you want him to change it can't be forced. You see shows like intervention and while it seems they remind the person of how the addict hurt them I think the true purpose is to get the addict to realize they are better off without it and want to quit themselves. Until he wants to, he won't - that's from experience. Even with breaks, rehabs, and what not him wanting it for himself is most important.

Personally I'd try to talk to him and be honest. If he doesn't want treatment or help then walk. If he goes and comes back and doesn't talk to you or reach back out for help he doesn't really want it then again - walk. Don't feel guilty about your decisions. its emotionally draining and impossible to love someone that doesn't love their ownself. Besides how can you plan for a future together with someone who can end their shot at one at anytime? Besides you leaving may be his "rock bottom". I finally kicked a little after losing my ex, and the second girl I mentioned also got clean shortly after losing me.

keep us updated and best of luck to both of you.