Living on substitution treatment and experiencing big changes

[Ignio]

Living on substitution treatment and experiencing big life changes

Hey everone.

I have been on methadone substitution for close to a year now. 60 mg methadone each day. I am 30 and I have been using in 15 years. I have a Master of Science degree despite of my addiction. I have just started full time work for the first time since all things went to hell and my addiction became a full time "job" in itself. On top of this, one of my close friends killed himself 8 days ago, this have removed me from my "happy track of experience" and back to feeling depressed again.

The stress from trying to live up to my new "self" is triggering almost all my triggers. I am constantly fighting the need to ask for an increase in my methadone or just add something myself. There is no doubt in my mind that it is better to increase my methadone than self medicating, but simultaneously, I am not self medicating yet and increasing my dosage is a big step in the wrong way. That being said, I am years from being psychologically ready to lower my dosage.

I am writing this to ask if others have been in my situation so I can learn from your experience? Everyone else is welcome to offer their advice too of cause.

It should be added that I have just increased my clonazepam from 0,5 to 2 mg each day to deal with social anxiety.

 

[cj]

Increasing your methadone is the least drastic of the decisions you presented. I would do that.

 

[simco]

Hey, Ignio. I don't have much advice, but I am in a similar situation so I can really appreciate what a tough spot you're in. I'm in early recovery (27 days) from a 4-year heroin habit. I've been away from my job (a very straight, very stressful job) for over a year now, but am currently in the process of returning to it. Every day, staying clean is a fight, and as work responsibilities and related social pressures start appearing, I'm finding it extremely tough to stay on the right path. My brain just races through various plans for ways to feel better--all of which involve drugs in one form or another.

For what it's worth, I agree with cj--increasing your methadone seems like the most benign drug-related option.

But I also wonder, do you have it in you to try "being in the stress" for a while? Maybe you could lean a bit extra on your support network or other self-therapeutic resources. In other words, could you use this period as an opportunity to deepen your recovery? Life on life's terms and all that...

But if not, no judgment whatsoever... if trying to white-knuckle it right now would jeopardize your recovery, then do whatever is least harmful.

 

[Moreaux]

Sorry you're having a difficult time right now. Use this opportunity to learn/use non-pharmaceutical coping mechanisms to handle stress such as exercise, diet, breathing techniques etc. The worst thing you can do is to increase your clonazepam. Increaseing the dose even for a few days will increase you tolerance and then you are stuck at the higher dose if you want it to remain effective. He higher he dose the more anxiety you will experience over time. Be very very careful with the benzos. The best thing you can do for yourself and your future is to go back down to 0,5mg immediately.

 

[cj]

Second being careful with benzos. I have myself in a world of shit from picking up a benzo habit on methadone

 

[Ignio]

Due to my epilepsy I will probably never be able to live without benzo's, it is just a matter of the minimum dosage required to relieve my of symptoms and make sure I don't get a seizure. So Benzodiazepines isn't my worst concern.

I can see how this is as excellent opportunity for me to learn how to cope to stress and pressure WITHOUT medication. The problem is I thought I was so healthy that I am out of active behavioural and cognitive treatment. So I am left alone to cope with these things, and I can't - it turns out. At least not with all the things that have happened so quickly to me. I have nothing to fall back on at the moment. Except the one wrong thing. That is why I am so worried. I don't know how long it take before the system behind me gets up to speed and will be able to help and how long I can stay away from drugs on my own.

I am thinking of showing up to my own doctor acutely monday morning just to go somewhere and show someone how serious it is right now. I thought I had the mechanisms necessary to cope with pressure and misfortune, but apparently not enough.

 

[Jabberwocky]

How goes it Ignio?

 

[cj]

With epilepsy I wouldn't want to be on the minimum dose to NORMALLY control my symptoms. I would want some breathing room there. Like if I happened to look at a strobe light or whatever it is that sets off your particular condition. After awhile any dose of benzo is going t have no noticeable effect anyway due to tolerance. But that's between you and your qualifies doctor don't let some idiot phych doctor or NA guru talk you off the benzos man the consequences aren't worth it.

 

[cashmunny]

It is always amazing to me that the last thing an addict thinks of is to consult with their doctor.

 

[Jabberwocky]

It is always amazing to me that the last thing an addict thinks of is to consult with their doctor.

This is beyond trite and insulting. Addicts don't not think to rely on doctors, they have less access and support doing so than any other class of patient. It's like living in the ghetto of professional medicine. When you find someone who is willing to treat you, much more often than not they're in it primarily for the money, relying on outdated, age old method of treatment that have proven time and time again to benefit less than 1/10. Personally, thanks to my insurance and my family's support, I have had access to "the best" modern medicine has to provide in American since the very start of my journey in recovery, and that for the longest time I did nothing BUT rely on advice of experts in the field.

And what have I got?

I have learned a healthy mistrust of medical professionals in the states. 9/10 times my interactions with the medical establishment has be little more than a paternalistic "we know what's best" kind of attitude. I don't even want to go into the harms that medical professionals have caused me in my attempts at recovery. People who use substances and/or struggle with substance use are routinely given the lowest priority when it comes to medical treatment - and when they are given priority, it is generally to backwards treatments that are treated like their best shot, despite having nothing in common with the standards of any other form of modern medicine.