The short version is: life itself bothers me. And describing my state is incredibly difficult. I literally believe that my case is unique to uniqueness itself. It’s like I have left the realm of humanity and I am completely alone. I fear there is nothing I can do.
I am trapped in a box. Life itself is a problem. It’s like everything on the earth that happens at any one moment must be fixed and defined for me. The constant change and the amount of things happening causes something like an overload. I think things like “How many people are watching this TV show right now?” and “how many people are using a google maps satellite right now?” Stuff like that. And the fact that that number is constantly moving bothers me. Everything – literally everything is in a fluid state. Nothing is steady. The constant variation causes a problem. People constantly dying; people constantly being born. Time changes when you move through the earth. But truly it’s not in “zones” – every step you take alters the precise time you’re at. The sun doesn’t rise in the same spot. Everything is moving. To me it makes everything meaningless. Everything seems totally random. Everything just exists by chance. The shape of the continents, the fact that the earth is 3rd from the sun.
Then there’s the infinite-within-the-finite reality. It’s like this: how many numbers are between 1 and 3? Not one. There’s 1.04, 1.28042, 2, 2.111020556, and so on and so on. There’s an infinite number of numbers WITHIN a finite space. Infinity is everywhere and it bothers me intensely. To me it makes NOTHING solid or defined. There are an infinite number of possible human faces; an infinite number of diseases. The slightest difference could be present and you have a whole different thing. So it’s like there is no “species”. Every single living thing is its own thing. Where does your neck end and chest begin? Where? You can’t pin it down. So it’s literally like there is no neck or chest. There is just…body.
There are many problems. I feel disconnected from everything. I am stuck in this body – this “sack of cells”. The aspect of soul or spirit has basically disappeared. Emotion – music – the “humanitites” – these have disappeared. Or rather, they have lost effect. I have control over my body but it’s like I’m just a robot or something. It’s like I’m just an animal. I hate it.
It’s like a constant contradiction.
Religion, holidays, entertainment, social media, humor, enthusiasm, personality, interest, desire, and ambition – these are all lost or broken for me.
I have lost IT. I call it “my paradigm”. Everyone is born into the world and they grow up and develop their own paradigm. It’s the ground they stand on. They exist comfortably because they don’t have a problem with life itself. They live WITHIN life, doing what they do. No child is bothered by the fact that they have 2 hands. No one even thinks about it. Life just is the way it is, and everyone is fine with it. Even when a child doesn’t get a straight answer to “why is the sky blue?”, they still are fine with it. On the whole, people don’t have a problem with death. They believe what they believe and they just go on and live life. For me, it is a horrible problem. I don’t know what happens. I want to die to end my troublesome life, but then I don’t want to die because it is this unknown void. But for me, reality ITSELF is a problem, let alone the problems that normal people face WITHIN reality. I am stuck; and there is no comfort in life, and no comfort in death. I wish I never existed, or that I could fall into eternal sleep.
It wasn’t always this way. I was a super-happy normal kid with “a paradigm” up to age 18. I met a guy in college who was just like me and we became best friends. We talked about basically every aspect of life and reality and went very deep into philosophy and spiritual things and the scriptures. For 4 years it was this way and by the end I had disconnected from all my old friends and my family. And him with his. We were alone. We were “super” Christians – if you can call it that. I was so hyper-active into the faith that, in a time of very great stress, I started having religious apocalyptic delusions and ended up in a psych ward for 40 days. What’s worse – now he’s gone missing since I was in the psych ward.
Things that were never a problem for me have become a problem since I lost “the paradigm”. Now I have all the questions of a skeptic, but it’s worse than that. Even skeptics have the paradigm. It’s like I can’t have a worldview anymore. I can’t form an opinion. I can’t distinguish right or wrong.
Anything is appreciated
I am trapped in a box. Life itself is a problem. It’s like everything on the earth that happens at any one moment must be fixed and defined for me. The constant change and the amount of things happening causes something like an overload. I think things like “How many people are watching this TV show right now?” and “how many people are using a google maps satellite right now?” Stuff like that. And the fact that that number is constantly moving bothers me. Everything – literally everything is in a fluid state. Nothing is steady. The constant variation causes a problem. People constantly dying; people constantly being born. Time changes when you move through the earth. But truly it’s not in “zones” – every step you take alters the precise time you’re at. The sun doesn’t rise in the same spot. Everything is moving. To me it makes everything meaningless. Everything seems totally random. Everything just exists by chance. The shape of the continents, the fact that the earth is 3rd from the sun.
Then there’s the infinite-within-the-finite reality. It’s like this: how many numbers are between 1 and 3? Not one. There’s 1.04, 1.28042, 2, 2.111020556, and so on and so on. There’s an infinite number of numbers WITHIN a finite space. Infinity is everywhere and it bothers me intensely. To me it makes NOTHING solid or defined. There are an infinite number of possible human faces; an infinite number of diseases. The slightest difference could be present and you have a whole different thing. So it’s like there is no “species”. Every single living thing is its own thing. Where does your neck end and chest begin? Where? You can’t pin it down. So it’s literally like there is no neck or chest. There is just…body.
There are many problems. I feel disconnected from everything. I am stuck in this body – this “sack of cells”. The aspect of soul or spirit has basically disappeared. Emotion – music – the “humanitites” – these have disappeared. Or rather, they have lost effect. I have control over my body but it’s like I’m just a robot or something. It’s like I’m just an animal. I hate it.
It’s like a constant contradiction.
Religion, holidays, entertainment, social media, humor, enthusiasm, personality, interest, desire, and ambition – these are all lost or broken for me.
I have lost IT. I call it “my paradigm”. Everyone is born into the world and they grow up and develop their own paradigm. It’s the ground they stand on. They exist comfortably because they don’t have a problem with life itself. They live WITHIN life, doing what they do. No child is bothered by the fact that they have 2 hands. No one even thinks about it. Life just is the way it is, and everyone is fine with it. Even when a child doesn’t get a straight answer to “why is the sky blue?”, they still are fine with it. On the whole, people don’t have a problem with death. They believe what they believe and they just go on and live life. For me, it is a horrible problem. I don’t know what happens. I want to die to end my troublesome life, but then I don’t want to die because it is this unknown void. But for me, reality ITSELF is a problem, let alone the problems that normal people face WITHIN reality. I am stuck; and there is no comfort in life, and no comfort in death. I wish I never existed, or that I could fall into eternal sleep.
It wasn’t always this way. I was a super-happy normal kid with “a paradigm” up to age 18. I met a guy in college who was just like me and we became best friends. We talked about basically every aspect of life and reality and went very deep into philosophy and spiritual things and the scriptures. For 4 years it was this way and by the end I had disconnected from all my old friends and my family. And him with his. We were alone. We were “super” Christians – if you can call it that. I was so hyper-active into the faith that, in a time of very great stress, I started having religious apocalyptic delusions and ended up in a psych ward for 40 days. What’s worse – now he’s gone missing since I was in the psych ward.
Things that were never a problem for me have become a problem since I lost “the paradigm”. Now I have all the questions of a skeptic, but it’s worse than that. Even skeptics have the paradigm. It’s like I can’t have a worldview anymore. I can’t form an opinion. I can’t distinguish right or wrong.
Anything is appreciated
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")