Life is just too much..I am destined to suffer..

[BrokedownPalace]

Morning everyone. Kinda long, but if you do read it I really appreciate it, and thank you. I guess at the end if you don't want to read all of it i'll put alittle summary..

Sorry if I haven't been active in OD as much as I could be the past few days, my situation at home is critical. Yesterday I had two separate complete meltdowns/mental breakdowns.. Crying, etc. I don't feel like typing my whole bullshit life out but I seriously am seriously hanging on by my last thread. I can't take it anymore. I seriously can't. And my mom who is mostly well organized, calm and rational is on the edge as well. She is freaking out, can't take it anymore.

My addiction and drug use and mental issues and problems and my mere existence are the root of most of these problems. I wouldn't care really if it only affected me, but it is seriously putting my mom in a bad place too. Despite her sticking by me and helping me and wanting me to get better, it seriously seems like all I manage to do is fuck up everything i touch and ruin her life as well as mine. I am so withdrawn and rarely leave my house, only talk to one or two of my friends.. I just can't go on.

My miserable existence on this planet is honestly pointless. I must be in hell, there were a number of times wher I without a doubt should have died, but for some reason no matter what happens I seem to survive. Disease, accidents, od's, kidnapped at gun point, shoved in my trunk and beat in the head with a gun, shot at..

My sole purpose on this earth is to suffer. I'm just a hopeless waste of life, a toxic mass that infects anything and everything.

People always tell me I have some greater purpose since I survive all these incidents. And I sincerely believe them. But it seems my sole greater purpose is to suffer. Mentally, and physically.

I just want off methadone so badly, my last dose is going to be monday. Since I suffer 24 hours a day anyways, might as well ramp it up. Maybe it'll be fun. Maybe i'll get lucky and just fucking die.

Summary

My existence is purely miserable and the fact it is hurting my mom is really killing me. she has done so much for me, stuck by my side no matter what, but due to my mental afflictions/drug abuse/cancer I have effectively ruined her life. We are flat broke, she gets social security, and I currently get disability and rental assistance. Between the two of us in this house our total income is around 2500 a month. we can barely pay our bills or by food. And believe me, we have exhausted many avenues for help, and have borrowed a lot of money from my uncle but we can't keep doing that anymore.

It honestly seems like there is no way out. Sometimes I will make a little progress, but then something else happens and I just end up taking two steps back, ending up worse off then before I made the progress. It's anever ending cycle of piss and shit and its not fair. All I want in life is to be happy, and to be a good son, and help make my mom's life more enjoyable/easier..

It's just not fair.

 

[paranoid android]

There is always a way out man. Fuck i have intense chronic pain, bipolar disorder and a addiction to opiates and alcohol. The latter of which ive stayed off since last summer thankfully. I can be the most miserable cunt on the face of the planet at times but i still am holding on and doing alot better job of it then i was even a year ago. How i do it i don't really know except im just too stubborn to give in i guess. Glad that trait in me is good for something

Don't go off your methadone man thats gonna make everything a million times worse. As for your mom shes just worried about you like any mom would be and it would hurt her a hell of alot more if you went and did yourself in then if you keep on living. That much i fucking know as sure as im typing this.

Hang in there man and if your feeling suicidal talk to someone anyone really and if you get real bad off i guess you could go to the psych ward. Better then dying.

You can PM me anytime you want man if you like. Im usually around atleast abit.

 

[bubblefaith]

long term addict/alcoholic (recently sober) with horrible anxiety and depression problems as well, damage control was and is my middle name as far as my family is concerned. i agree with pa that coming off the methadone at such a critical time in your life probly isnt the best idea(as i had tried to kick durring a horrible period of time to and procedded to fail at life as i wouldnt have previously believed). it seems that there is no singulare solution to any problem i have ever had, the basic principal keeping me alive right now is.. im a failure at anything other than one second at a time. if your looking for a support system i would advise aa/na as a good place to start. hang in there man, the waters full, your not the only one drowning to find a savior.

 

[Asclepius]

Poverty, mental illness, addiction are all huge things to juggle and taking them on your own shoulders as a sign that you are a failure isnt right, true of just.

Dont blame yourself for all the negative situations going on in your life, things happen and it is easier to blame it all on you but that is'nt the reality.

Sounds like you really care about your Mother and she you and the two of you are struggling ATM in varying ways. You giving up on yourself is only going to hurt her more, as well as yourself. Try to take a step back from your Mother emotionally, if the two of you are mentally exhausted and despairing it may be feeding the whole situation and making it more complicated(especially if you are around each other alot?)

The healing of Your Mental illness and/ Addiction is all you should be focusing on at the moment, dont bite off more than you can chew- no-one could handle that(and no-wonder you are having a 'breakdown' it's too much to take on all the worries). Just focus on the little bits you can do every day/every minute, the bigger picture will maintain itself.

Please focus on you, too much pressure will make you collapse, abdicate the other worries to someone else(ie support groups, NA/AA, Docters/ financial support groups or something of that nature-I know its not going to take away all the problems but it may help dilute the pressure) Please take things in smaller amounts, just in principle even; you sound like someone who is a lot stronger than they are giving themselves credit for.

Slow down and be good to you, dont be afraid to admit that some things are too much to handle, like you have here-this is a sign of your health.

 

[BrokedownPalace]

I am in a hurry so don't have time to write a huge post but just real quick: I understand your reasoning for staying on methadone, but i honestly feel that being on methadone is one of the huge major contributors to my whole problem. It is preventing me from being able to accurately diagnose and address my mental issues. As wellas being a slave to the clinic (which is a whole different can of worms).

I am going to see my regular doctor tomorrow, since my new psychiatrist can't see me until like late april, and the doctor who was treating my cancer no longer wants to see me since i defeated the cancer. They all told me to go to my GP and he will prescribe me my meds to holdme over til i start at the new place.

I am also going to explain to him about wanting to quit methadone. I have abunch of subs saved up, and plan on taking my last dose on monday. Then maybe obtaining a shorter acting opiate to take for 5-7 days, before I start the subs. (To avoid preciptated withdrawal). He will write me a new script for klonopin as well, and I am going to ask for some other things.

I have a whole packet of info and research I put together to bring tomorrow, to show him I know what I am taking about.

I feel like once I can get off the methadone, I can then focus solely on my mental problems, and PAWS. If I just get sober and still sit in my house doing nothing, all I will be is just a drug free miserable prick.

I have thought about this long and hard and amdetermined to get off 'done. I don't really have any way to relapse, either. i have no car, and I have no money. My mom and I are in critial condition and i don't even want to know how its going to end. We're trying and woring as hard as we can to rectify our situation and get help but it is just not easy at all.

Without the burden of methadone i will be able to finally move forwards in life. I want my old life back. I have to literally force myself to smmile or laugh. When I first got diagnosed with cancer and was still doing dope, I could still feel my emotions, like I was happy and talkative and laughing and not miserable all the time. Not perfect by anymeans; but since i got on methadone it feels like it has totally voided every emotion, other than the negative ones. It's bullshit, and the clinic is a fucking zoo, a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off, running around with methadone in their hands.