Eternal Nostalgia
Greenlighter
Over the past 4 months I've been stalking TDS forums as a simple means to compare my own misery to that of others, but i digress. My last run ended with me on 105mg of Methadone, 6mg of Clonazepam, and 100mg of Promethazine daily with a killer weed habbit on top. I soon began to miss days at the Methadone clinic due to the loss of my car and transportation issues (basically sleeping in too much). This lead me back to regular heroin usage and picking up a nasty meth addiction as I attempted to do a controlled Methadone and Benzodiazepine taper at the same time.
One thing lead to another, and due to outside influences I was soon afraid to leave the house for my own safety. There was a real threat, but in retrospect my paranoia from the meth binges had begun to exacerbate the level of perceived danger from the situation in general. On 5/5/2013 (my 20th birthday) I went to the clinic and dosed for the last time. On 5/6/2013 I downed the rest of my dwindling Clonazepam supply, never to be refilled again.
For two weeks I battled life threatening withdrawal symptoms with only the aid of a few low grade anti seizure medications and an unsteady supply of marijuana. For two weeks after that I let a few people live with me and <snip> out of my rented bedroom so I could stay 'well', but the relief was always short lived and accompanied by constant meth use.
Determined not to ever show my face in a treatment facility (having had done 3 stints by age 18 the longest being 9 months) It took all of this, plus a whole emotional aspect centered around my fiance that I won't even begin to go into, to get me back into inpatient. After the withdrawals were over (took almost 2 months total) I had to come to grips with the reality that my brain was (is?) fried to a certain extent. I couldn't remember simple names, streets, or relevant events in my life and they only slowly began to come back.
So now I'm back at my rental and everything is skewed. A panic disorder had been made infinitely worse due to protracted benzodiazepine, methadone, and meth withdrawals made my life unbearable. My researched understanding of these protracted withdrawal symptoms is that they are always worse when you cold turkey off the particular drug they are associated with.. and now I can confirm from a first person account that this is true.
After 108 miserable days of sobriety I couldn't take the constant panic anymore and succumbed to using heroin again in an attempt to self medicate. Within a month I was again psychically addicted and some mornings it was all I could do to browse these forums and read of other peoples misfortunes to burn it into my head that I'm not the worst case scenario and killing myself some times wouldn't sound so appealing.
After trying to get my benzo script back unsuccessfully, I admitted myself to detox. 7 days ago I stepped back onto the street and immediately copped a Suboxone strip from another patient who was being discharged at the same time. Without even giving sobriety another chance I put that strip under my tongue and suddenly I was <wasn't sick anymore> . After getting home I bought 9 more strips to last me until my doctors appointment with the detox facility Dr. who treated me while I was there. I've been taking subs now for 7 days and while I'm not longer getting high, my opiate cravings are essentially gone. My anxiety has lowered so much both due to the reduced opiate cravings and just having a little something in my system that life is again tolerable for the first time in a long, long time.
If you've tried everything else unsuccessfully or maybe just considering offing yourself due to protracted withdrawals I hope that you read this and reconsider. I consider myself to be sober as I'm not fucked up but still medicated to the point of having those intolerable symptoms suppressed enough to make staying sober a worth while experience. I'll be moving out of this god forsaken house tomorrow and into an apartment with my best friend who is currently also on a maintenance program and starting fresh with my recovery program.
The difference is I'm actually able to look forward to the future and plan accordingly while still managing to stay in the moment (for the most part). I'll be posting on these forums regularly as part of my new plan as well, so hello to all the bluelighters who'm I've been practically cyber stalking and thank you all for your posts that have helped me a long the way.
One thing lead to another, and due to outside influences I was soon afraid to leave the house for my own safety. There was a real threat, but in retrospect my paranoia from the meth binges had begun to exacerbate the level of perceived danger from the situation in general. On 5/5/2013 (my 20th birthday) I went to the clinic and dosed for the last time. On 5/6/2013 I downed the rest of my dwindling Clonazepam supply, never to be refilled again.
For two weeks I battled life threatening withdrawal symptoms with only the aid of a few low grade anti seizure medications and an unsteady supply of marijuana. For two weeks after that I let a few people live with me and <snip> out of my rented bedroom so I could stay 'well', but the relief was always short lived and accompanied by constant meth use.
Determined not to ever show my face in a treatment facility (having had done 3 stints by age 18 the longest being 9 months) It took all of this, plus a whole emotional aspect centered around my fiance that I won't even begin to go into, to get me back into inpatient. After the withdrawals were over (took almost 2 months total) I had to come to grips with the reality that my brain was (is?) fried to a certain extent. I couldn't remember simple names, streets, or relevant events in my life and they only slowly began to come back.
So now I'm back at my rental and everything is skewed. A panic disorder had been made infinitely worse due to protracted benzodiazepine, methadone, and meth withdrawals made my life unbearable. My researched understanding of these protracted withdrawal symptoms is that they are always worse when you cold turkey off the particular drug they are associated with.. and now I can confirm from a first person account that this is true.
After 108 miserable days of sobriety I couldn't take the constant panic anymore and succumbed to using heroin again in an attempt to self medicate. Within a month I was again psychically addicted and some mornings it was all I could do to browse these forums and read of other peoples misfortunes to burn it into my head that I'm not the worst case scenario and killing myself some times wouldn't sound so appealing.
After trying to get my benzo script back unsuccessfully, I admitted myself to detox. 7 days ago I stepped back onto the street and immediately copped a Suboxone strip from another patient who was being discharged at the same time. Without even giving sobriety another chance I put that strip under my tongue and suddenly I was <wasn't sick anymore> . After getting home I bought 9 more strips to last me until my doctors appointment with the detox facility Dr. who treated me while I was there. I've been taking subs now for 7 days and while I'm not longer getting high, my opiate cravings are essentially gone. My anxiety has lowered so much both due to the reduced opiate cravings and just having a little something in my system that life is again tolerable for the first time in a long, long time.
If you've tried everything else unsuccessfully or maybe just considering offing yourself due to protracted withdrawals I hope that you read this and reconsider. I consider myself to be sober as I'm not fucked up but still medicated to the point of having those intolerable symptoms suppressed enough to make staying sober a worth while experience. I'll be moving out of this god forsaken house tomorrow and into an apartment with my best friend who is currently also on a maintenance program and starting fresh with my recovery program.
The difference is I'm actually able to look forward to the future and plan accordingly while still managing to stay in the moment (for the most part). I'll be posting on these forums regularly as part of my new plan as well, so hello to all the bluelighters who'm I've been practically cyber stalking and thank you all for your posts that have helped me a long the way.
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