Life and lonliness

[jayjaysleepyhead]

Well its again myself, jay really struggling with age, and my lonely life im constantly watching the world pass me buy im 44 and to be honest every day is the exact same built around my bloody medication, as sad as it is I know without it id be even worse , im one of the very people who has abused diazepam from a very very young age,and never put it down, unreal really its always been like a crutch and now im being forced to dettox off it , im doing it but it has its downs believe me, that the methadone and lonliness is killing me slowly I have maybe 4 days a month where im not bad the rest are like fighting a life threatening illness that never goes away, ive become disinterested in things I used to enjoy also physically im not mobile , I have a bad back, shoulder dislocations that still cause me agony, a previous peptic ulcer that still causes me problems all this with no pain meds as im on diazepam and methadone tapering, also got clinical depression ,paranoia, panic attacks, and substant misuse all diagnosed by an expert medical proffessional dr, but over and above all this its my lonliness that really gives me suicidal thoughts dont and cant go out due to fear of crowds packed public transport etc anything like that. Im in a part of london which I hate and its miles away from anyone I know got a dad who thinks u can stop like that ,no understanding plus has a family of his own and like one main friend again miles away, rest all want my benefit and me just for that big payday £220 per fortnight I used to care about bills now dont care what will happen will. Well sorry to bore u all its very dark thats why I put it under this forum and im no stranger, does anyone else feel the end is nigh and that ur living out da remainder of ur years with no ambition to do anymore or
is it just me.

 

[Buspersons Holiday]

You're definitely not the only person who feels like that or felt like that in the past.
It's frustrating for you I know, being in your position, but also as someone who has come through it, knowing with absolutely certainty that if you got out of the house, however fucking difficult it is, and got some structure in your day & things that you knew you were going to do each day, things would almost certainly improve.

I know that's easy for me to say & how it seems hopeless even if you know what you should be doing, but I can only tell you some of the things that worked for me, the main one being distraction from myself and those negative thoughts that don't get any more positive when there is nothing to do but focus on them. I also found that my physical pain was so much worse when it was all I had to think about.

I'm not negating your issues in any way and I know that depression can make it impossible to act on the things you need to, but you don't have anything to lose by trying something different.
Mind http://www.mind.org.uk/ and Re-think https://www.rethink.org/ may be useful for information & guidance and have help-lines and local groups, where you'd have opportunities to meet other people, and if that sounds daunting, talk to them on the phone & if that's too difficult, email them or write, as you're very good at articulating yourself in posts, so you've got good written communication skills going for you as a starter, and I'm sure you have many more skills and assets to offer when you think about it.

I understand you have some physical and mental issues that make some everyday activities difficult, but what can you do, rather than what you can't?

When you say you can't go out due to your anxiety, do you go and do your own shopping, go to score when you treat yourself? If so, then you are capable of getting out to do other things, however scary they seem & seemingly easier not to do, but just going for a walk in the fresh air (or if your mobility is too bad, then sitting in the fresh air) or any voluntary work you would be interested in that you were physically able to do?

Are you seeing a physio or been assessed by an Occupational Therapist regarding your physical and mental limitations to being able to get out & about?
I really do know how it's all very well for me to suggest all this stuff when I'm not in your situation now & how difficult it is to act on or even believe that it will help, but give it a try maybe?

Good luck and hope your days get sunnier