Mysticalis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2000
- Messages
- 6,544
Dad,
Bear with me, because you're going to be disappointed and angry when you read this. I didn't write you this letter to avoid confrontation, but because this is the only way I know how to get things off of my chest.
I've let you and mom down. I've let Gabe and Alex down. Most importantly, I've let myself down. I'm scared, dad. I'm 19, have spent 4 semesters in college, and feel like I'm going nowhere. We've been through this time and again. I have a bad performance, you get angry and get verbal, and then I motivate myself for the moment to do better before I go astray and screw up again.
This semester started off with promise, at least until late January, when I started to escape reality and partied every weekend. I'd end up going to my morning classes half-asleep, hardly working, or not working at all. The more I fell behind in class, the more I escaped in the weekend, just to take my mind off of it all so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now, I've dug my own grave.
This whole rude awakening came last weekend, when I came home early in the morning and you were standing at the door. You saw me and knew I was rolling. I went to my room and looked in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself. Those big wide eyes I had and yet I couldn't see anything in them no matter how hard I searched. I didn't see myself in the mirror, I saw emptiness, and it scared me. It mortified me. I've never been this scared in my life.
I've been ducking my responsibilities as a son and as a student in favor of escaping reality and fucking with my brain. You don't understand how depressed I get, dad, when I think about life and how I see myself doing this over and over. I could've asked you on so many occasions for your help, but I guess you were right, dad. I am stubborn. I'm one stupid stubborn motherfucker. I refuse your help, because I want to feel like I have some sort of control in my life. But instead of holding the reins in my life, it's instead out of control and in chaos. I find myself feeling more helpless everyday on this downward spiral. There's been many times where I just wanted to kill myself, because I'm so ashamed of my shortcomings that I feel as if I've disgraced you and the rest of the family. There have been times where I've gotten myself wasted out of my mind and have prayed to God to just take my life right now. Never in my life have I felt so miserable and scared. I don't know where my life is headed, but I know it's not going up.
I can't save what's left of this semester, and I know you're going to be pissed, but I deserve your anger. I did this all to myself, and you have every right to be angry. Just don't go on a verbal offensive like you normally do. Mom may think you're being to hard on me, but that's not the entire truth. No one is harder on me than myself. Everything you say to me, I take as ten times worse. Every time I make a mistake, I beat myself over it and dwell on it. This is why I hardly do anything benificial. It's not because I don't care. It's because I doubt myself. I'm afraid that I won't succeed. I don't want to fail, because I feel that I've failed enough times in my life already.
I can't hide or deny my problems anymore. I can't be stubborn anymore. I'm too scared to act tough. So, for once, I'm going to be a son and ask you for one simple favor dad. Please help me. I can't straighten it all out on my own like I thought I could.
-Roberto Jose
P.S. - When you finish reading this, please show this letter to Gabe. Let him read it, and let him see where I'm coming from. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made, because he has much less chances going for him than I do. I don't want him to go through what I'm going through.
------------------
"I can't see! I can't see! Oh wait.... I just had my eyes closed the whole time."
"If Hare Krishnas believe in reincarnation, does that make them Born Again Krishnas?"
[email protected]
[This message has been edited by Mysticalis (edited 20 March 2001).]
Bear with me, because you're going to be disappointed and angry when you read this. I didn't write you this letter to avoid confrontation, but because this is the only way I know how to get things off of my chest.
I've let you and mom down. I've let Gabe and Alex down. Most importantly, I've let myself down. I'm scared, dad. I'm 19, have spent 4 semesters in college, and feel like I'm going nowhere. We've been through this time and again. I have a bad performance, you get angry and get verbal, and then I motivate myself for the moment to do better before I go astray and screw up again.
This semester started off with promise, at least until late January, when I started to escape reality and partied every weekend. I'd end up going to my morning classes half-asleep, hardly working, or not working at all. The more I fell behind in class, the more I escaped in the weekend, just to take my mind off of it all so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now, I've dug my own grave.
This whole rude awakening came last weekend, when I came home early in the morning and you were standing at the door. You saw me and knew I was rolling. I went to my room and looked in the mirror. I couldn't recognize myself. Those big wide eyes I had and yet I couldn't see anything in them no matter how hard I searched. I didn't see myself in the mirror, I saw emptiness, and it scared me. It mortified me. I've never been this scared in my life.
I've been ducking my responsibilities as a son and as a student in favor of escaping reality and fucking with my brain. You don't understand how depressed I get, dad, when I think about life and how I see myself doing this over and over. I could've asked you on so many occasions for your help, but I guess you were right, dad. I am stubborn. I'm one stupid stubborn motherfucker. I refuse your help, because I want to feel like I have some sort of control in my life. But instead of holding the reins in my life, it's instead out of control and in chaos. I find myself feeling more helpless everyday on this downward spiral. There's been many times where I just wanted to kill myself, because I'm so ashamed of my shortcomings that I feel as if I've disgraced you and the rest of the family. There have been times where I've gotten myself wasted out of my mind and have prayed to God to just take my life right now. Never in my life have I felt so miserable and scared. I don't know where my life is headed, but I know it's not going up.
I can't save what's left of this semester, and I know you're going to be pissed, but I deserve your anger. I did this all to myself, and you have every right to be angry. Just don't go on a verbal offensive like you normally do. Mom may think you're being to hard on me, but that's not the entire truth. No one is harder on me than myself. Everything you say to me, I take as ten times worse. Every time I make a mistake, I beat myself over it and dwell on it. This is why I hardly do anything benificial. It's not because I don't care. It's because I doubt myself. I'm afraid that I won't succeed. I don't want to fail, because I feel that I've failed enough times in my life already.
I can't hide or deny my problems anymore. I can't be stubborn anymore. I'm too scared to act tough. So, for once, I'm going to be a son and ask you for one simple favor dad. Please help me. I can't straighten it all out on my own like I thought I could.
-Roberto Jose
P.S. - When you finish reading this, please show this letter to Gabe. Let him read it, and let him see where I'm coming from. I don't want him to make the mistakes I have made, because he has much less chances going for him than I do. I don't want him to go through what I'm going through.
------------------
"I can't see! I can't see! Oh wait.... I just had my eyes closed the whole time."
"If Hare Krishnas believe in reincarnation, does that make them Born Again Krishnas?"
[email protected]
[This message has been edited by Mysticalis (edited 20 March 2001).]
