Know I know...not just one...

[wonderlost]

I didn't believe I was going to be the exception and never try a pain med again but I thought I had wanted to be off them strong enough that I wouldn't take just one, I wouldn't tempt fate. Yes, I am the type of person who always pushes the envelope sometimes but this time...I have learned my lesson.

I got my script. While my doctor knows I am tapering I didn't want to tell her I was done completely. Part of my brain believed if I needed them they would be available. I know it was just setting myself up. I didn't even crave it. I just thought lets see what happens with one. After, I gave them to my husband and told him I don't care if you toss them in the lake, get them out of here. It was like, Once I knew they were here it was all I could think of. Not even the physical need but the mental was messing me up. I just thought, I'm an adult and I'll do what I want. I don't think I even thought after the first one. I just took them for the night. The next day I was mad but thought well, here I am. I can't do this again.

But, I did...

Two days later I found some that I had hide awhile ago. I don't know why that was a habit to hide them here and there but I did and anyways, I took some. Can't say I wasn't thinking, I just didn't freaking care. I didn't feel good but that didn't stop me.

I truly can not have them around me and I can't even know they are here. I can work though the physical part but the mental...I need some help with that.

I love advice or how others got though this. I just needed to talk. No one knows. The fact that the few people who know where I have came from are so proud of me. I can't just text them when I'm feeling like this. I have to see these people and they don't truly understand this.

I don't feel sorry for myself, I am obviously missing a part of the puzzle that will allow me to say just say NO.

I don't want these in my life. I love life without that haze. I was getting use to being sober and not thinking about taking them. I haven't had anything today and I'm thinking of them but no physical WD. My mind just screams go get one. My body is like...lets go sweat a bit. I'm at war with myself!!!

I have to believe this is "normal" when healing yourself from drugs. I have to believe this is just a small bump in the road.
Thanks for listening.

 

[manboychef]

That is very normal. Your addiction will have you doing mental gymnastics in order to justify use. You did the right thing. You may need to take it a step further and just completely get rid of all the pills in your house. Have someone in sobriety with you when you are looking so you have some backup in case you find some.

Do not beat yourself up. You did the right thing by talking about it. The next time, try calling someone while you are having the thought. Eventually it will pass. PM me.

 

[wonderlost]

TY for the reply. I had to take a step back after all that. I noticed what a huge difference in how I felt while having them compared to not having them. While I'm not having withdraws my body is not happy. I haven't wanted to get my walks in and I didn't care for myself like I started doing.
I went though my house and got rid of everything. I am just telling my doctor that I'm done. It was to easy to jump right back into it EVEN though it made me feel like crap.

Why would I keep taking something that doesn't make me feel good? This just doesn't make sense to me but now I know I can't just test the waters.

Thank You for offering for me to PM you. I really hate feeling alone. When I'm out it would be nice to have someone to text or message and just talk to. Hopefully next time I just come here. Actually, I don't even think there will be a next time. I can get support here when I need it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is precisely why they call it a "habit," because it truly is just a really really shitty one at that

That all said, what helped me the most, honesty, was psychedelics, especially DXM and Iboga full alkaloid extract for opioid dependency as was the case in my case.

God damn. If I was a religious man, which I am noT, that might mean something, but anyways, I am so happy to be finally done with this journey of 1.5yrs on bupe then 2.5yrs on methadone are now two months behind me and I'm fucking happy as a clam (though that expression makes no sense to me).

Trust me, it is worth the pain you feel. You need not suffer, but you are in for some pain when it comes to withdrawal. And don't get me wrong, it is not like, Oh Hey Now I'm Off Methadone/Buprenorphine/Heroin/Alcohol/etc. etc. and then it's done.

NOPE

A new journey will always begin when an old one ends. But when pain comes, so does the promise of pleasure.

Think of it like this:

As the sun will set,
the sun will rise anew,
again and again,
again and again and again
and
again.

Don't rush yourself brother or sister. Trust in the Gentler or Kinder choice whenever in need of making some decision about taking care of yourself. Could mean anything. PM me with specific questions if you wanna chat.