Kinda hate myself rn..

[haypiñata]

Really bummed out and just want to vent so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct category to post..

But anyways.. I'm currently on methadone and earned 4 takes-homes a week; it took me about a year to get here. Well, lately i just cannot help but feel so depressed/bored with my life and i ran into a friend i haven't seen in awhile. He is still partying and more or less enjoys his responsibility-free life.. i got jealous. All i could think of was getting high.. i caved and got high on ice.

two or three days later, i ended up having to give a urine at the clinic. I decided to tell the truth, that i wasnt going to pass. The doctor was super understanding and even let me keep my take homes (which is usually an automatic 30 day suspension if you give a dirty urine). You'd think i would be grateful and not fuck up this second chance.

Well I'm a moron and i fucked up my second chance. I got high yesterday (tuesday) and this morning i got a voicemail saying i need to go into clinic on Thursday for a bottle count/urine drug screen...

I feel so disappointed in myself, ashamed, selfish, ungrateful... i dont know what to do. Should i be honest ? Should i try to fake it? Flush my system?

I seem to be in a pattern of going several months clean, then I'll use once or twice - just enough to feel guilty, then another couple months clean, then another use.. etc etc

FUCK i really hate myself sometimes...

 

[chippermonk]

Really bummed out and just want to vent so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct category to post..

But anyways.. I'm currently on methadone and earned 4 takes-homes a week; it took me about a year to get here. Well, lately i just cannot help but feel so depressed/bored with my life and i ran into a friend i haven't seen in awhile. He is still partying and more or less enjoys his responsibility-free life.. i got jealous. All i could think of was getting high.. i caved and got high on ice.

two or three days later, i ended up having to give a urine at the clinic. I decided to tell the truth, that i wasnt going to pass. The doctor was super understanding and even let me keep my take homes (which is usually an automatic 30 day suspension if you give a dirty urine). You'd think i would be grateful and not fuck up this second chance.

Well I'm a moron and i fucked up my second chance. I got high yesterday (tuesday) and this morning i got a voicemail saying i need to go into clinic on Thursday for a bottle count/urine drug screen...

I feel so disappointed in myself, ashamed, selfish, ungrateful... i dont know what to do. Should i be honest ? Should i try to fake it? Flush my system?

I seem to be in a pattern of going several months clean, then I'll use once or twice - just enough to feel guilty, then another couple months clean, then another use.. etc etc

FUCK i really hate myself sometimes...

Well, to be kind and honest with yourself, your pattern (as you describe it) has not been one of going on uncontrolled binges, so that's good. Shit happens, we all slip up, some of us a lot more spectacularly than you!
But you pointed towards your problem, that you are feeling bored and depressed, maybe jealous of your friend. That is an inevitable and sucky byproduct of life to be dissatisfied at times. Worth taking this moment of recognition to work on that issue.
Of course you are disappointed with yourself. And of course it sucks to lose your take home privileges. But if this event helps you to deal with the issues that encourage you to use drugs, then I'd say that would make this a positive thing that happened!
Good luck

 

[haypiñata]

Well, to be kind and honest with yourself, your pattern (as you describe it) has not been one of going on uncontrolled binges, so that's good. Shit happens, we all slip up, some of us a lot more spectacularly than you!
But you pointed towards your problem, that you are feeling bored and depressed, maybe jealous of your friend. That is an inevitable and sucky byproduct of life to be dissatisfied at times. Worth taking this moment of recognition to work on that issue.
Of course you are disappointed with yourself. And of course it sucks to lose your take home privileges. But if this event helps you to deal with the issues that encourage you to use drugs, then I'd say that would make this a positive thing that happened!
Good luck

Thank you, i appreciate your kindness and that you took the time to read that.. i suppose you're right, it could be a positive thing in the long-term, trying to focus on that instead of the anxiety

 

[Jnowhere]

Really bummed out and just want to vent so I'm sorry if this isn't the correct category to post..

But anyways.. I'm currently on methadone and earned 4 takes-homes a week; it took me about a year to get here. Well, lately i just cannot help but feel so depressed/bored with my life and i ran into a friend i haven't seen in awhile. He is still partying and more or less enjoys his responsibility-free life.. i got jealous. All i could think of was getting high.. i caved and got high on ice.

two or three days later, i ended up having to give a urine at the clinic. I decided to tell the truth, that i wasnt going to pass. The doctor was super understanding and even let me keep my take homes (which is usually an automatic 30 day suspension if you give a dirty urine). You'd think i would be grateful and not fuck up this second chance.

Well I'm a moron and i fucked up my second chance. I got high yesterday (tuesday) and this morning i got a voicemail saying i need to go into clinic on Thursday for a bottle count/urine drug screen...

I feel so disappointed in myself, ashamed, selfish, ungrateful... i dont know what to do. Should i be honest ? Should i try to fake it? Flush my system?

I seem to be in a pattern of going several months clean, then I'll use once or twice - just enough to feel guilty, then another couple months clean, then another use.. etc etc

FUCK i really hate myself sometimes...

You seem to be staying off opiods( except for the methadone). Is it drugs other than opiods that you have slipped up with and has it been a small amount, no huge binges?
Please don't hate yourself, self loathing is not good. It can also trigger escapism which could lead to more use. Your a human and humans slip up; but you need to not hate yourself and focus on trying to stay clean.

 

[golego55]

It sounds like you're going through some serious inner conflict. Always remember to be kind and forgiving to yourself, and work to keep the criticism constructive. Obviously we sometimes don't have a choice in the matter.

It can be the easiest thing in the world to hate yourself, the hardest to love yourself, sometimes.

*I know your testing sitch is under different circumstances, but as someone currently having to take piss tests due to, uh, "legal issues": I've found the best motivation to help when I get bladder shy is the tester kindly informing me "You don't have a choice. Either pee or...". It's unfortunate your doctor is so kind with you. Threats/warnings would motivate you so much better. /s