I've been on 13 various antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and the only thing that really has ever helped me was amphetamine class drugs combined with marijuana. The thing with me is, I have bipolar disorder type II, which means I have brief (less than a week) hypomanic episodes extremely rarely, low levels of depression almost constantly, and really bad episodes of depression every month or two. Basically, once I graduated from college, I realized that pretty much my whole life was motivated by hating my life and thinking that if I worked at it it would get better. I did get a prescription for adderall for ADD in college, and that was the only thing that really helped. It improved my mood just a bit, gave me more energy, and improved my focus. But when the depression got really bad, adderall did nothing for that. So I started trying street drugs, and found that low doses of methamphetamine would basically instantly pull me out of my worst depressions. Combining this with marijuana was a huge benefit to me, since it smoothed over most of the negative personality changes that meth tends to cause in people. I went from suicidal and looking like I was going to have to drop out of grad school, to acing all my classes and getting a job as a research assistant in a high-tech lab. It was like, for once in my life, I could do whatever I put my mind to. I had friends, and actually enjoyed things like being around other people and going to parties. I was actually starting to become popular, especially among certain groups of international students that dominated the lab I worked in. I had the best relationship of my life with an Indian girl I met through one of my coworker's friends. Every day, I'd think I can't believe this is me living this life. I'd always been depressed, unreliable, socially awkward, apathetic, and a loner. And now all of a sudden I'm popular, great at my job, and people like me. I remember showing up at a party with my girlfriend and two of her friends, which was being hosted by a guy who was a friend of mine, but we didn't have too many friends in common so I didn't know that many people there. And as we were walking up to the house, there were two guys standing outside, and I overheard one ask the other who knew me there. And the guy was like "who cares? He has three beautiful girls with him!" This new personality of mine was such a huge improvement over my old one, there was no way I could ever let it go. I mean, people liked me more, and I was leading the life I'd always wanted to live.
Of course, everyone knows that meth can cause problems. Mine were mostly that a) I became obsessed with various projects, whether personal or work-related, b) I could be kind of a jerk to people, especially those I had disagreements with, and c) I became more reckless, when I've always been pretty reckless already. Smoking weed pulled me away from those tendencies, but I'd be so obsessed with work, I couldn't pull myself away from it to go smoke some weed and take a break. My meth use did reach a steady state of about a gram a month. Overall, I still think meth was a net benefit to me. But if I did just meth and not weed, I could easily see that taking me to a very bad place. I should have let at least the people close to me know what I was doing, but I didn't. Part of that was the fact that something like 90+ percent of people are arrested for drug-related crimes because of people ratting them out, or telling other people who rat them out, so I told no one. And part of it was that if I told anyone, I was afraid that they'd try and force me to quit and I'd have to give up the new life I had.
My problem was that eventually my car was searched by the police, due to some really bad luck and carelessness on my part. Although the only things I was really doing illegal were using meth and growing 10 plants of weed at a time, they managed to spin the various crimes they charged me with into 4 separate felony charges, So bam, I'm out on bail and being drug tested, and instantly stuck with my old personality again. My work ground to a halt. I didn't immediately lose all my friends, but I didn't really ever want to be around them or anyone else either. My girlfriend, who still wasn't sure what was going on (I told her I was arrested for the weed, but left out the meth charges) noticed the change in me, and told me more than once that she wished that I was more like I used to be. Our relationship went downhill pretty fast. I didn't even want to be in it, and calling her and talking to her every day was a chore. I was always relieved when I got the daily phone call out of the way. We broke up after not too long, and I used that as an excuse for my depression, even though the truth was, I was depressed anyway and I was relieved to no longer have the obligation of a relationship. I lost touch with most of my friends. I lost all my money due to all the bullshit hoops I had to jump through, and the fact that they confiscated about half of everything I owned as "evidence" which I still don't have back two years later. Also, no psychiatrist in the county would write me a prescription for Adderall due to the legal charges against me, so I didn't even have that anymore. My personality was back to my sophomore year of college, where I couldn't be organized to save my life and it was rapidly becoming clear that if something didn't change, I'd have to either change my major or drop out.
Anyway, that's how the last two years have been for me. I'm a convicted felon and can't vote or get a job at any company that has a human resources department that does background checks. I'm basically living off the state, because I don't give a shit anymore. My life just keeps getting worse and worse, and most of the things that I could do to change it are prohibited by probation. They put all these ridiculous alcohol restrictions on me even though I don't, and never have had, had a problem with alcohol. I also can't even move without getting the judge's explicit permission, having the place I'm moving to inspected regularly by probation officers, and having a land line installed so they can put in one of those stupid electronic monitoring devices. Is that the kind of person you'd want as a roommate? I know this shit won't last forever, and I know other people have gotten it worse. I recently read about a guy in California who got 11 years of prison several decades ago for having only slightly more methamphetamine as I did, although my guess is that his "mistake" was not plea-bargaining. Still, I can't help but feel like this whole experience has taught me nothing except that this country is turning into a corrupt police state where everything is illegal and a felony, and where laws are arbitrarily enforced and punishments often far outweigh the crimes.
The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that it's possible for my life to be better, because for a while, it was. But still, I'm not sure how much longer I could have continued getting that benefit from using meth and/or weed. At least, all the drug "abuse" counselors I've been required to talk to have said that eventually it would have gotten out of control. And in a way, it was. I definitely was dependent on drugs, but I don' think it was much different from the way a diabetic is dependent on insulin. Instead of self-medicating, I've become a cash cow for the pharmaceutical industry, where the government routinely pays more per month than rent would cost me, in order to feed me a diet of whatever chemical their sales reps are encouraging doctors to pull out of their asses this month. I've tried various RCs, but the most helpful ones seem to be in the amphetamine class, and those show up on drug tests. Other stimulants that are less closely related to amphetamines don't show up, but they're nowhere near as helpful either, at least as far as getting work done and such. MXE set off a 10=day period of me feeling great once, but then when I tried to do it at subsequent times, it didn't last as long or it wasn't as much of a benefit. I was hoping JWH compounds might provide some of the same benefits weed did for me before, but they weren't even close. It's like trying to replace wine with denatured alcohol. Honestly, there is a way I'd be able to manipulate the system such that I can essentially be using meth under their radar, but without the weed to calm me down and even things out, I'd be setting myself up for bad things to happen.
Every few months I make a half-assed suicide attempt, but don't let anyone know. The latest one was taking a very large dose of a medication that said on the label that it could cause death when combined with an MAOI, while I was taking an MAOI. I just spent the night feeling like my heart was going to explode, and then things went back to normal Before that, I took a bunch of RCs at once, had the most bizarre hallucinations of my life, and apparently claimed I was invincible and ran straight into a glass coffee table. I had to laugh when the ER staff told my parents my tox screen came back clean. God, I hate my life so much. It's not that it's so horrible, just that apparently I'm unable to enjoy much of anything without illegal chemicals in my system. To be honest, I don't even care about the legal shit I'm in. If I wasn't so depressed all the time, these restrictions would be a nuisance, but one I could deal with.
It's funny how the court-mandated counselors are telling me that to help with depression, get out and do things with other people, and the electronic monitoring schedule says I have a convenient excuse for staying in bed all day. It's also funny how society apparently considers me, a grad student working on CANCER RESEARCH who happened to use illegal drugs, as being worse than every scumbag and useless piece of shit I've ever met in my life. None of them are convicted felons, and all of them can vote. I guess I can always move to a foreign country, and to be honest, I probably will. If I make it that long without getting "lucky" with a half-assed suicide attempt, that is.
Of course, everyone knows that meth can cause problems. Mine were mostly that a) I became obsessed with various projects, whether personal or work-related, b) I could be kind of a jerk to people, especially those I had disagreements with, and c) I became more reckless, when I've always been pretty reckless already. Smoking weed pulled me away from those tendencies, but I'd be so obsessed with work, I couldn't pull myself away from it to go smoke some weed and take a break. My meth use did reach a steady state of about a gram a month. Overall, I still think meth was a net benefit to me. But if I did just meth and not weed, I could easily see that taking me to a very bad place. I should have let at least the people close to me know what I was doing, but I didn't. Part of that was the fact that something like 90+ percent of people are arrested for drug-related crimes because of people ratting them out, or telling other people who rat them out, so I told no one. And part of it was that if I told anyone, I was afraid that they'd try and force me to quit and I'd have to give up the new life I had.
My problem was that eventually my car was searched by the police, due to some really bad luck and carelessness on my part. Although the only things I was really doing illegal were using meth and growing 10 plants of weed at a time, they managed to spin the various crimes they charged me with into 4 separate felony charges, So bam, I'm out on bail and being drug tested, and instantly stuck with my old personality again. My work ground to a halt. I didn't immediately lose all my friends, but I didn't really ever want to be around them or anyone else either. My girlfriend, who still wasn't sure what was going on (I told her I was arrested for the weed, but left out the meth charges) noticed the change in me, and told me more than once that she wished that I was more like I used to be. Our relationship went downhill pretty fast. I didn't even want to be in it, and calling her and talking to her every day was a chore. I was always relieved when I got the daily phone call out of the way. We broke up after not too long, and I used that as an excuse for my depression, even though the truth was, I was depressed anyway and I was relieved to no longer have the obligation of a relationship. I lost touch with most of my friends. I lost all my money due to all the bullshit hoops I had to jump through, and the fact that they confiscated about half of everything I owned as "evidence" which I still don't have back two years later. Also, no psychiatrist in the county would write me a prescription for Adderall due to the legal charges against me, so I didn't even have that anymore. My personality was back to my sophomore year of college, where I couldn't be organized to save my life and it was rapidly becoming clear that if something didn't change, I'd have to either change my major or drop out.
Anyway, that's how the last two years have been for me. I'm a convicted felon and can't vote or get a job at any company that has a human resources department that does background checks. I'm basically living off the state, because I don't give a shit anymore. My life just keeps getting worse and worse, and most of the things that I could do to change it are prohibited by probation. They put all these ridiculous alcohol restrictions on me even though I don't, and never have had, had a problem with alcohol. I also can't even move without getting the judge's explicit permission, having the place I'm moving to inspected regularly by probation officers, and having a land line installed so they can put in one of those stupid electronic monitoring devices. Is that the kind of person you'd want as a roommate? I know this shit won't last forever, and I know other people have gotten it worse. I recently read about a guy in California who got 11 years of prison several decades ago for having only slightly more methamphetamine as I did, although my guess is that his "mistake" was not plea-bargaining. Still, I can't help but feel like this whole experience has taught me nothing except that this country is turning into a corrupt police state where everything is illegal and a felony, and where laws are arbitrarily enforced and punishments often far outweigh the crimes.
The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that it's possible for my life to be better, because for a while, it was. But still, I'm not sure how much longer I could have continued getting that benefit from using meth and/or weed. At least, all the drug "abuse" counselors I've been required to talk to have said that eventually it would have gotten out of control. And in a way, it was. I definitely was dependent on drugs, but I don' think it was much different from the way a diabetic is dependent on insulin. Instead of self-medicating, I've become a cash cow for the pharmaceutical industry, where the government routinely pays more per month than rent would cost me, in order to feed me a diet of whatever chemical their sales reps are encouraging doctors to pull out of their asses this month. I've tried various RCs, but the most helpful ones seem to be in the amphetamine class, and those show up on drug tests. Other stimulants that are less closely related to amphetamines don't show up, but they're nowhere near as helpful either, at least as far as getting work done and such. MXE set off a 10=day period of me feeling great once, but then when I tried to do it at subsequent times, it didn't last as long or it wasn't as much of a benefit. I was hoping JWH compounds might provide some of the same benefits weed did for me before, but they weren't even close. It's like trying to replace wine with denatured alcohol. Honestly, there is a way I'd be able to manipulate the system such that I can essentially be using meth under their radar, but without the weed to calm me down and even things out, I'd be setting myself up for bad things to happen.
Every few months I make a half-assed suicide attempt, but don't let anyone know. The latest one was taking a very large dose of a medication that said on the label that it could cause death when combined with an MAOI, while I was taking an MAOI. I just spent the night feeling like my heart was going to explode, and then things went back to normal Before that, I took a bunch of RCs at once, had the most bizarre hallucinations of my life, and apparently claimed I was invincible and ran straight into a glass coffee table. I had to laugh when the ER staff told my parents my tox screen came back clean. God, I hate my life so much. It's not that it's so horrible, just that apparently I'm unable to enjoy much of anything without illegal chemicals in my system. To be honest, I don't even care about the legal shit I'm in. If I wasn't so depressed all the time, these restrictions would be a nuisance, but one I could deal with.
It's funny how the court-mandated counselors are telling me that to help with depression, get out and do things with other people, and the electronic monitoring schedule says I have a convenient excuse for staying in bed all day. It's also funny how society apparently considers me, a grad student working on CANCER RESEARCH who happened to use illegal drugs, as being worse than every scumbag and useless piece of shit I've ever met in my life. None of them are convicted felons, and all of them can vote. I guess I can always move to a foreign country, and to be honest, I probably will. If I make it that long without getting "lucky" with a half-assed suicide attempt, that is.
. Good to see an original user still around.
As I said, you may have to take matters into your own hands. If you can find a good doctor who is wiling to prescribe you Adderall, that's a step, but it is only one part of the process, it will not magically fix everything. And I definitely think that the answer in your current solution is to stick with legal solutions and stay away from meth.
