Just looking for a friendly word I guess...

[Z Y G G Y]

So these last few weeks have been really really hard for me.I had my baby girl about 3 months ago. I moved to live with my mom so that it will be easier with the baby and stuff. I am an addict. I used to do heroin. I did that for about 8 months way back and then used occasioonally later on. I also have chronic pain which kind makes getting off opiates diffiucut. Another thing is that my mother in law came here for 6 months. I didn't really want her here but I coulnd't really say nim you know what I mean. A really tricky situation.

So I was at a rehab then had my baby. Eveyrhting was fine. Then I recently had a relapse. First one in 6 months. I took a few valiums and the shit hit the fan. My family lost trust in me. The situation at home is very tense.

It just seems I can't get the addict outta me. I get take homes for methadone so sometimes I take two at once and I did that today , family found out, again more drama.

Sothere is a reason I wanna get high. And that reason is cause I feel better when I take something and I become a lot more productive. Whyen sober I am so depressed I just keep on dwelling on the negative and I have to occupy my mind with stupoid shit that numb me out like the net, TV, books. Other things make me thik too much and I end up not doing them.

I wanna get off the methadone. I was at 80mh a few fewws ago and now I am at 57mg but its not fast enough that they are tapering me. Plus now I will have a hard time finding someone to drive me there once or twice a week so I will have to stop at that 57mg. Any tips on how I can prepare? What drugs and supplements can ease the pain?

I have about a week since during the holiday week I dont have to drive there at all. I cant find an inpatient place that will detox me off of methadone and take my insurance. I have humana PPO. And I dont want to go to a place where they will treat me like a dog and just leave me suffer in w/d cuz with my leg pain that I normally have it would be suicide for me for sure. I would love if there was a place that would just taper me off on lower acting agonists. Like something like methadone >>suboxone>>morphine>>hydrocodone>>tramadol>>benzos or other non narcotic things that help with symptoms. Or something of the sort. But I am sure there is no place that would make an addicts life that easy.

So yeah I am in a pretty shitty of a siutation and everyone blames me for everything. I have some issues froom the past that of course makes this so much for difficult. Since I live with my mom I also have to live with my step father who sexually abused me at 13. My mom left me at 18 months to come o the US and got me over here at 13 and I was offered no help of any kind like psychological help but instead was left with a man that tried to get with me and my mom didn't relly believe me. I think she still doesn't beleve me. Because she never ever wants to talk about anything related to the sexual abuse issue and her leaving me. She said I should stop focusing on that crap and sart living my life cause I am living in the past. Shit, I think about it everyday. Who wouldn't think about a past like that often? She is in total denial that it has any aftect on me being a drug addict and having tons of mental health issues when there is no history of that in my family whatsoever. Acctually, everyone in my faimly is doing wonderful. The one that had parents and were protected and not just left to the wolves.

So she doesnt wanna dwell on the past cuz she IM sure hurts from it. But how can I get past this shit. I have so much work to do on myslef. Work that should have been done when I was still moldeable. From that I can tell it really would have been a surprise if I didn't end up being an addict of some sort. i crried so mch pain around. And I still do. But all my family can offer me now is just to forget about it. Put it away into a drawer, close it and live. Except my mind cant do that. I wish it could but it cant. All the bad stuff is like seaping out right now and its in everyones face and they hate it.

Please give me some words of wisdom, people of wisdom. I know you're out there.

 

[Pharcyde]

Hey man what Im going through isnt all that different.....I cant really help you with words or wisdom but just know Im going through hard times with you man...thats all I can offer

 

[sleepwalker]

Hey, there Hun!
I'm not claiming to be a man of wisdom, but let me tell you my story, maybe it can help.
I was working at the surgery department from 17 years old, and gotten addicted to Herion,IV 1 gram a day, plus multi-use of anything i could get my hands on from the anaesthesia department for 16 years.
Got addicted to IM Dormicum, lost my jobs to stealing meds, lost my marriage, friends, health, dignity.
Suffered sexual and mental abuse in the past.
Life wasn't worth living anymore, and i wanted to kill myself.

But just before that i read the CD cover of a band called Blood fo Blood.
It said:

God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The courage and strenght to change the things i can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference!

And i thought that's humanly impossible, if i looked at my life.
But it said 'God" at the top of that quote.

I heard the gospel of Christ many time ,from a guy who came to my door several times over the years.
When i finally was alone in my room to end it all, i just couldn't...
I cried out to God, that i didn't want this life anymore, and suddenly heard the voice of that guy that came to my door, saying"You must repent".
I was alone in my room,and that voice came out of nowhere, so that was odd...

But i went looking for the guy, and found him.
I phoned him and told him i needed to repent ,but had no clue what that meant.

He came over and prayed a prayer for forgiveness of sin with me, and i asked Jesus to come into my heart and make me a new creation.
I quit Heroin, but relapsed after 3 days...

But i felt so much regret, i went to his church, crying, and the guy and the Pastor layed their hands on me and prayed to break my addiction.
During that prayer ALL became quiet in my head and in my heart.
No more thoughts of hustling, scoring, using, just a quiet and sound mind.
It was truly a miracle and for me the proof that God existed.

I still went through some bad WD's, but with a quiet mind, it was pretty easy.
I was able to forgive people that hurt me and became a new creation.
Now i'm married for over 5 years, got 2 lovely kids, a beautifull home,hobbies, animals and still have a personal relationship with God.

To be honest life still hit me hard, and i relapsed into some months of using, but am clean again now.
I don't want to go religious on you , but if i read your story, i think God is the only one that will give you the wisdom you need.
And he promised to give it, to anyone who asks for it, with no holding back.

You can say, this story sucks and is usuless, but it seems you need God's grace to get out of this mess you're in.
I suggest to start praying, even if you don't believe a word i wrote, even if you don't believe there's a God at all, or contact some Evangelical Church, and tell them your story.
They'll help you to pray.
If it worked for me , it may work for you too!
What have you got to loose?

I'll be praying for you from now on,Ziggy, that things may change for the better and that you may have a similar expierience, for being free from pain, addiction and al the other mess in your life ,for that's deffo God's will.

Hope i gave you some wisdom, although it not mine, but my testimony is true, and i pray for you to be free of anything that has hurt you in the past.
Hang in there, try Jezus, trust me, He'll be there for you!

greetz, hugs and love from Sleepwalker.

 

[Lysis]

As someone who is never happy with the status quo, I am always trying to better myself. I'm never happy with where I'm at...I want more for me. So, I have to tell you what I have to tell myself when I'm too hard on myself - don't judge yourself so harshly and cut yourself some slack. You're gonna make mistakes. OK, so you took some valium. You didn't go out and murder your neighbor. You made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world.

Also, you said you just had your baby. Is it possible you have some post traumatic (shooooot, somebody help me here...the condition that happens after women have babies and get really depressed?)

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be back in a home with a molester. Is there anywhere else at all you can go? It is also dangerous for your baby to be around someone like that. For the sake of your child's safety, you gotta get her away from him.

 

[amapola]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
The courage and strenght to change the things i can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference!

Ah yes the Serenity Prayer.

I prefer the mother goose...

For every ailment under the sun
There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.

 

[hobhead]

^^^useless advise ! prisons and jails are full of mutts with endless time on their hands . there are ridiculous religious (superstitious) tracts all over the place . the mutts, in desperation, get ''religion'' and soon after release are right back slanging, doing crimes against persons, etc,

OP needs to sort out why he is so given to instant gratification when there are so many avenues to go down to gain some long term, lasting rewards . all the time chanting to any of the tin pot gods takes away from the real work of gaining integrity in one's life .

this several times hooked exjunkie had the huge good fortune to really like the work that i was trained for and it became an end in it's self . i would interview with other employers that offered better bene's and/or wages and worked myself practically to the top of the scale in 15 years .

here's hoping that the OP has a skill set or a desire to get one .

 

[sleepwalker]

^^^useless advise ! prisons and jails are full of mutts with endless time on their hands . there are ridiculous religious (superstitious) tracts all over the place . the mutts, in desperation, get ''religion'' and soon after release are right back slanging, doing crimes against persons, etc,

What may be "useless" to some, may prove to be of most value to another.
How can you say it's useless, if it works for me?
Like i said, it's just my story, and deffo proven not to be useless for me...
Plus i was talking about "Faith", not religion, my friend.
Those are 2 different things!

 

[badandwicked]

Z Y G G Y cogratulations on the birth of your baby. i've seen you make a lot of good posts here, and I hope you too can find the help you need.
I agree with Lysis. I can't imagine having to share the same living space as someone who abused me, so that plus your history with your mother, plus your addiction issues, plus the new baby mean you're got a monumental amount on your plate right now. I can understand you returning home for help with the baby, but I think when at all possible you should make plans to get out.

Is there no way at all to get to the methadone clinic, or can you get in at one nearer you? Maybe talk to them about the situation and see if they will let you get take home. Or if you do want to get off it completely, don't cold turkey, if you can't find the 'ideal' detox program, maybe just opt for the one you think will be most bearable and go for it. Where were you before the baby was born, can you go back there? If its near your mother she can still help with childcare to give you a break.

The issues can be dealt with in time, but for now I'd say the priority is to get you away from there to some where you can be peacefully to enjoy spending time with your baby. Have you got a plan? If you can map a route out of your situation, and work to it for your babies sake even if it takes months it will be worth it and you'll be taking a pro-active role in both your futures & will feel better for it.
Success is the best form of revenge, and I'm sure you can make a go of parenthood despite this adversity. Believe in your strengths & don't be too hard on yourself. And don't panic.

 

[Mariposa]

Lysis - what I believe you are talking about is postpartum depression. It is very, very common in new mothers, and treatable.

ZYGGY - congratulations on the birth of your daughter! Although you and your family may have suffered adversity - significant adversity - in the past, through the new life of your daughter, you have created your own family. You will not repeat the mistakes your Mom made and if there is any reason to get and stay clean, a new baby would be that reason.

Now that you are weaning from methadone, would it be possible to have someone else watch over your take-home doses and administer them to you?

I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist who is experienced in treating postpartum depression (I would say most, if not all, have patients with it - it is very, very common) who can work with you and your methadone doctor to place you on a regimen where you can enjoy the new experience of being a parent. I wish you and your family the best - and when you are feeling better, can we see some baby pics?