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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Just found out my grandma doesnt have long to live

cj

cj

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Joined
Nov 18, 2008
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She had surgery today to remove a tumor in her breast. The surgeon told us that it looks bad definably cancer likely metastic. Im just like numb mixed with a little anger. She was my favorite relative growing up and I spent loads of time with her as a kid. We have grown apart with the drugs and time. She thinks drug users are evil and me being a liberal my be worse in her eyes. I want to make things write obviously but I don't really know how. On top of that I have to support my mom emotionally who is explosive with tendency towards depression. I have to do all this without heroin. I keep thinking if only I had heroin I would feel better but alas I am on methadone so its a tolerance issue.

Then there is my grandfather who is too old to function by himself. If she dies he will need nursing home care. Who will pay for that? Its a fucked up situation. I also don't want my granny to feel pushed into taking extreme measures to treat the cancer. She is 73 and its her second cancer I feel like chemo ect will just be useless torture. They are already talking bout a double mastectomy which I think is fucking barbaric. Why do we as a society try to temporarily prolong life which will have a terrible quality? Is that extra month in bed really worth it? The worst part is imo that she is against the use of opiate painkillers so she is going to suffer fucking horribly.

There's a lot more and I amy add later but I just needed to get this out and see if anyone had advice.

thanks
 
I am so sorry to hear your grandmother is ill. Focus on the good times you've had with her, and on the time you have left with her. She has the right to refuse treatment, as well as to choose to go forward with treatment. It's her choice, all you can do is support her. Whether she uses painkillers or not is also her choice. Is medical marijuana an option? You have to respect the decisions that she makes - at least she can make decisions. The alternatives are far worse in my opinion (i.e. treatment is refused because of her age or treatment is mandatory). It is a very bad situation and one that you have little control over, so focus on what you can do such as bringing comfort to her and being supportive.

Regarding your grandfather, maybe it would be a good time to start looking into care options. Discuss it with your family, and try to come up with a budget while you research various options. I would also call places to see if you can get financial assistance. I know there are many organizations that will donate to people with cancer, I had a close friend get diagnosed and we contacted many places and they sent us checks to help with expenses. I'm sure there are organizations that can help with both of your grandparents.

Believe me, at this point it makes no difference to her what your political beliefs are, and the only reason why she cares about the drugs is because she loves you and wants the best for you, and drugs are usually not best for anyone.

I know this is of no comfort, and is also easier said than done, but do your best to stay positive. This will help everyone. This is a horrible situation and one that you don't have much control over so just take care of yourself and your family. Going off the deep end with drugs is going to be the worst thing you can do, as it will hurt you in the end both physically and mentally (the guilt would be phenomenal), and you don't want to put your family through that stress on top of the cancer stress. You don't want your grandmother frantic about you when she need to focus on herself. Ain, I am so very sorry you are going through this. I wish I had better words for you.
 
She is very against pot and I don't live in a medical state. I want the decision of whether to do chemo to be her decision. I am worried she will feel pressured to fight all out by other members of the family. I watched my other grandfather die in agony from cancer due to chemo and radiation. Its no way to die when the upsides are pretty small anyway. But your right its not my call. Im just having all these thoughts flood my head right now.
 
It's so hard. I took care of a close friend, completely took care of them, when they he'd cancer. I took them to all their radiation and chemo appointments, and took care of them after the appointments. It's brutal. I hope she changes her mind about pain meds.

I think you should privately share your concerns with her regarding chemo. I think it would go a long way with her if you told her you didn't want her to do it because of family pressure. That may be all that she needs to hear to make the choice that would be most comfortable for her. It's not right for her to be pressured, it really is a quality of life issue at this point.

You have so much to process right now, make sure to be kind to yourself. I think that it's great that you made this post to get your thoughts out instead of doing so with family first. I have geriatric parents - they're actually your grandmother's age, and at their age I try to shelter them from my initial feelings when I am upset so I don't upset them further. Your grandmother has had a long life, surrounded by people that she loves and that love her - I hope that brings some comfort to you. So many elderly people don't have that, and they have to deal with illness by themselves. There is nothing more important than family, and that she is surrounded by so many people who want her around enough to push her to get chemo speaks volumes.
 
I am truly sorry, cj. Moreaux had a lot of good points in her post but perhaps her best advice was to focus on what you can and cannot control. You cannot control the disease, what your grandmother chooses to do about it, what other family members want her to do, etc. Something that you can do that will probably make a huge difference is to let your family know you care. Tell your grandmother as many times and in as many ways as you can how her love meant so much to you growing up and how much you love her. Tell your mom that you know this will be a hard time for her, that it is also a hard time for you and that you want to try extra hard to support her and you value her support as well. Spend time with your grandfather so he feels reassured. And finally, take care of yourself. It's another opportunity to check that thinking that still wants to convince you that it would be so much easier if you could get high. Life just handed out a situation that is making you feel--all sorts of feelings from fear to anger to sadness. They aren't easy to feel but they are the substance of our connections with each other. I know what you mean about cancer treatment. the longer I navigate this world with my husband, the more I question some of the things they call treatment and lots of the outcomes from those treatments.
 
Thanks for the advice everyone I learned some good stuff that I tried to use today when I saw her. She is frail and looks sick which hurt my heart. They basically cut her right breast off. She wont take any opiate based painkillers in fact the only thing she will take is 325mg Tylenol every 4 hours. I can tell she is in pain and I don't understand why she is forcing herself to suffer. Then there is my grandpa who is 10 years older than her and a total pain in everyones ass. He will not fucking leave her to rest. Me and her couldn't even have a conversation without him coming in and asking some stupid question. There insurance will pay for a maid to come and clean the house once a week but of course he wont let that happen for some stupid reason. I am so pissed off about the whole situation.

Its going to be devastating for everyone when the biopsy comes back as malignant cancer next week. The surgeon told my mom he didn't like what he saw at all. My grandma is like the rock in the family and I am afraid we are going to break without her. Just a frustrating situation.
 
:( Oh, CJ, I'm just seeing this. I am so sorry for your grandma's diagnosis. Bless her heart...she's still quite young, IMO, at 73. Your granddad is probably out of his mind with worry and grief. The 10 year age difference could also be a factor with possible Dementia issues for him. This news only exacerbates his confusion, if this is the case. Try to be patient with him.

If your grandma is the "rock" of your family, she will be not only dealing with her own pain, but trying to hide it for all of you. Just be honest and open with her. Let her know that YOU are strong, and you will remain so for as long as she needs.

I'm concerned the pressure might trigger your addiction. PLEASE don't let it, CJ. Try not to dwell on the "what ifs"...stay in the moment, for her.

(((HUGS)))
 
I'm sorry to hear about Grandma.
Stay strong, my friend!
You're on of the strongest people I have had the honor to talk to!
Much love to you!!
 
Yeah my grandpa is 83 and has mild dementia or onset dementia however you wanna describe it. But he just has a domineering personality and treats everyone in the family like we are dirt beneath his feat. Hes always been like that according to my mom. No one gets it worse than my grandma though. She is not allowed to have a life outside of him. As fucked up as it sounds I always secretly hoped he would die first so she could have a life outside of him or maybe fear of what the hell we are going to do with him when she becomes too sick to take care of him.

I just don't feel good about any of this. The full biopsy results of the tumor will be in sometime early next week so I guess that is when shit is gonna hit the fan. The surgeon told my mom that he didn't like what he saw during the tumor removal though. The thing had doubled in size in barely 2 weeks which cant be a good sign. I am just trying to keep my pessimism to myself but the unguarded optimism my family espouses reads more like denial to me. She just looks sick.

Ill be fine either way though. I plan to cope with copious amounts of pot and forza. Better than smack.
 
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Hey man, if you need some pot, that never hurt anybody, I totally understand.
It is so much better than going back to dope, I'm proud of you CJ.

When I talked to you on the phone, you seemed like you have everything under control and you know that going back to using won't help any situation.
I have faith in you, you're a good friend of mine, I do not have many if any real friends but I like to call you a friend because you have always helped me and offered me support and advice.

I'm not a religious person, but I will say a prayer for your family.
Just hang in strong my friend.
 
^^^
Thanks man your a good guy. Its funny man some days I feel like I am stating to figure this life thing out. Then I have days like today where I feel as lost as ever.
 
I totally understand, you know it passes over time.
Sometimes life likes to really stick it to us, you just have to hang in there buddy.
Stay strong CJ!!!
 
cj said:
^^^
Thanks man your a good guy. Its funny man some days I feel like I am stating to figure this life thing out. Then I have days like today where I feel as lost as ever.
Click to expand...

cj, I think we all go through that.... until we die really. How could we ever totally figure anything out? We are complex, all the other beings we are connected to are complex, we've created insane systems that we call sanity and sanity that we call immoral and then there is nature itself--so complicated and outside of our understanding and need to call everything either good or bad that we had to create Disney cartoons to bring it down to something we could deal with.8)

Let yourself be lost when it happens--there is usually something to be gained.

Your grandfather is probably getting worse because he has used dominating people to deal with his own anxiety. If he can control people he can pretend that he's in control of what scares him. It's so sad when people act this way because then they lock themselves out of ever getting what they need. Your family should probably gently but firmly stand up to him if they can. You want your grandma to be surrounded by love and tenderness, not fear and discord.
 
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