Just another bad day.

[Babygirl25]

I'm a recovering addict and I'm having a really bad day. I'm 73, housebound and live alone with my dog, Babygirl. I shared a house with my mum for 30+ years but she passed away almost 5 years ago. I thought that "bad days" were a thing of the past, or rather I thought my coping skills were a lot better than they appear to be today. I don't want to go into what's happened today, except that it's been nothing critical or life threatening, just a really crappy day. That's what I don't get. If it had been life threatening or an enemy situation I'd expect my reaction to it to be the same as it has been.

Ok, let's get down to it. I used to be addicted to heroin, crack and virtually anything I could shove down my throat, up my nose, into my veins or up my bum (apologies for my crudeness) but went into treatment when I was 40 years old. Since then, apart from the odd lapse, which, depending on how I choose to see it, as a failing or a huge learning curve, because you learn nothing by getting it right every time. Do you, I'm not sure today?l

But today I've had the most persistent craving for crack. I have no family and I never really made any friends where I live as I moved here with my mum over 25 years ago. Then I went to university and met some nice people but never made any friends. I never felt like I fitted in, to be honest I never wanted to fit in. So I'm quite isolated although I'm not unhappy with it. I enjoy being with me, and of course my Babygirl, she's my oxygen. She saved my life one Christmas, but that's a story for another day.

Back to the here and now. I have an almost uncontrollable urge to have a smoke. I just had a cigarette and without thinking about drugs I couldn't work out what was wrong with the cigarette. Then I realised I was waiting for the slight kick you get in your throat, that churning feeling you sometimes get in your tummy after having a pipe. And I was sat holding in the smoke and expecting some kind of buzz when I exhaled. And there was nothing. That's when it hit me, and I was doing it without being aware of it, until the high wasn't there. I felt angry, like I'd been sold something that wasn't crack or that was just very badly washed up crack. Almost instantly I remembered I was smoking a cigarette. Again I was totally disappointed because it wasn't crack and it was crack that I wanted.

I feel stupid, embarrassed and in a way a bit ashamed that I could let things get so bad that I was even getting the urge to use. But that's the problem. Nothing has got bad, nothing has happened and no, none of the issues I'm aware that I still have to work on are going on at the moment. I thought I was far enough sling to recognise that something was going on long before this. I just don't understand what the hell is going on with me or in me at the moment. And that's my problem. Because until I know what's going on, and why I don't feel like I can deal with it. It's like trying to fight smoke.

You see it's not enough to just deal with the feelings, the consequences of what's going on. I always found that my issues would keep cropping up from time to time, and Rach time they did the emotions that accompanied them would become more difficult to ignore. Yes, I did say ignore. I'm like everyone else, I dealt with feelings in the past with drugs as they easily smoothed over the pain I was feeling. Until the drugs just didn't do it any more and the pain was still there. But since I left rehab all of those years ago I've got better at spotting the signs of impending emotional agony and I realised that as I was going to have to deal with it sooner or later why suffer more pain in the future? And you know dealing with it can be tortuous but that feeling when you get through to the other side is something I find hard to explain as I think it must be different for everyone. But for me it was a feeling of satisfaction. I felt good that I had the self awareness to cope with it and I felt cleaner, but inside. Like there was a load of rubbish hidden inside me that I'd been aware was there, perhaps for years, but I was never quite able to find it, or really didn't try that hard to find. So I knew I'd grown in self awareness and it felt good.

But today it's like rehab 101. I don't know where to begin. There's no nasty, dirty rubbish inside me to be thrown out. I've had absolutely no warning this was even coming. Usually by the time I get to this stage of something making me feel this shitty and so vulnerable and scared, I know there's something there that I can't put off dealing with. I have 2 choices, deal with it or see a dealer. Nothing has come clyse to feeling this painful nothing for many years. I feel like I've avoided everything that's ever been a problem and only now am I starting to confront the way I feel.

The hardest part to admit is the fear surrounding the whole thing as I know that even now that step, the one that takes you over that line from not using to crack skank(yeah, been there) is such a tiny one. I can't I'll machine being known as "crack granny" and although I was smiling when I wrote that, inside I'm terrified. I came here because I don't want to talk to anyone in the "real" world. Due to my disabilities I'd find it very difficult to go anywhere to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone coming to my home. I have carers that visit daily and I usually tell them at the door I'm fine and don't need anything today. Or that I'm sleeping. They see I'm still breathing and I think they're quite relieved they don't have to come in. I hate the phone as I have to interact on a one to one basis and I don't like that either.

I suppose I've become one of those old ladies that people wonder about, not sure if she's either crazy or just a miserable old cow. But no one wants to get close enough to find out. Here at this forum, if you don't mind me saying, I'm anonymous, no one knows me and I know absolutely no one on this forum, that I'm aware of. And the most important aspect of coming here and unloading all of my shit is, no one is going to judge me. I'm not 100% certain or trusting of anything or anyone but I'm 100% certain that I won't be judged. And that's the most important reason that brought me here. Yeah I'm frightened, and yeah, I don't know what's going on. All I do know is that I feel a bit better for just acknowledging those feelings of vulnerability.

I suppose I'm scared that this is the one issue that gets me, the one that crept up so quietly, totally unannounced, and even though I know I can get past this part of me isn't as sure as I have been in the past about feelings coming up. Part of me is frightened that maybe I don't want to get past it? I don't know but Jesus I'm so tired of trying to work it out. My head is a mess at the moment. Well, that's it. I really appreciate anyone sticking with this rather lengthy post. I do hope I haven't broken any strict forum rules. I did read them. But in all honesty ( can I be totally honest)although I know I may get banned after my very first post, part of me really doesn't care. But I do. It's almost like a child trying to do something naughty and getting caught. They're so sorry and they didn't mean it, and they promise so sincerely that they'll never do it again. But inside they feel quite highly because they did it, even though they got caught.

I apologise in advance fur any infringement of the rules. But I promise, promise I'll never do it again, honestly. That's if I get a second chance. Just one last thing. I'm so bloody grateful that this forum is here. Selfishly I don't mean for people to come to to get support and maybe some advice, but for me. Thanks.

 

[Jnowhere]

Wow, you made a post as long as use too before the March Purge. Long story. Don't worry you didn't do anything to get in trouble.

Look at it this way; you have a pet dog. That's fine and completely normal. At least you don't have 70 cats.( 5 is the limit before, you get the crazy cat lady status).

Cravings for drugs by former addicts happens. At least you didn't try to get some and give in. It was a bad day it happens.

Yes, there was a purge and the rules got strict, but your fine on that front.
Trust me you are fine on that.

Venting your frustrations is fine, if it helps you. I really wish I had some advice, but I don't. Hopefully, you will have better days.

Actually the one thing I can say; is try to remember all the bad times and pain you had from your addictions, when the cravings come.
I don't know what they might be exactly, but there had to have been bad times. Don't let the thoughts of any good times over take you.

With crack the high only lasts for a very short time and then you want it more, right? Then, when your out of money and craving it more, then what? Please try to have better days.

 

[Babygirl25]

Just on mowing that someone gets it has really helped me feel less alone with today. You're so right, bad days happen but so do the good ones. They're just different days aren't they. Yeah no money and the craving guess on. You're so right there. Thank you for allowing me to realise that I might be alone here in my home but I'll never be alone while there are people like to our self who gets it. I have to admit when I clicked the post button I wanted to take it all back. I felt really vulnerable then. But now I'm glad I did post it. I don't need 50 cats to be defined as crazy. I watch the crime channels on TV and before most programmes the announcer says "Some viewers may be disturbed by the images in this programme" and every night, without looking up I reply "You obviously don't know me lady cos I've been disturbed for most of my life" I just do it automatically now. But thank you for your comments, I really appreciated them.

 

[Babygirl25]

By the way I got a trophy. I've never had a trophy before. I've never done anything to deserve one I suppose. Whoever gave it to me thank you so much. I think its so cool.

 

[Jnowhere]

Well, I hope you have better days. Venting is not an issue here.
Especially in The Dark Side.

 

[Babygirl25]

Thank you. I think what's going on is my feeling of vulnerability. That's something I've never really dealt with. Drugs always enabled me to put on a tough front. Now when I feel vulnerable I no longer have that barrier. It's the real me. I'm still not used to letting people in. I see being able to show that vulnerable side as a weakness that would be taken advantage of. But to take the risk, to trust that even if you take the risk people won't take advantage of that vulnerability. It's such a powerless feeling. You're leaving yourself open to anything.

You see when I first started using I was 13 and, please don't take this as a put down to drug users today, but back then it was like there was an unwritten code. No one screwed anyone over, no one rattled and due to the fact that there were so few of us we had to take care of each other. If someone had nothing someone would "turn them on" and then when you were rattling they would "turn you on." Now it seems so cold. Everyone trying to screw everyone over. I suppose I'm scared of being taken advantage of by someone who just doesn't understand. That's in any situation, not just the drug using community. I suppose that's society today in most communities.

As I get older my own mortality has become more of an issue yet I'm still scared to trust and the time is getting closer and closer when I'm going to have no choice as I'm going to have to trust someone. People may not agree with my take on this but looking back I truly believe that heroin actually saved my life. Yeah that's what I said. My childhood was so traumatic and my ability to deal with the pain was non existent. If I hadn't found heroin I'd have been dead by the time I was 14. Heroin kept those painful feelings at bay until I was old enough vto then deal with them.

Unfortunately by the time I was an adult it became such a habit to allow heroin to give me the false sense of confidence, to build a wall around my pain, by then I didn't want to deal with it. When my husband and I divorced it brought up all of the pain I'd held inside all of those years. Unfortunately when this happened no amount of any drug could cover the pain and I had to do something about it or go under. It was the most difficult time in my life I can remember, having to face what was causing that pain.

I thought it was the hardest thing I'd ever have to do. I was wrong. Stopping and going through rehab was a piece of cake. The hardest thing was then staying stopped. But that dear that's always been there is still here. And today, being unable to deal with quite small problems I felt totally overwhelmed and nothing I learned in treatment, and over the pat 30+ years was of any help to me. It made me realise for perhaps the very first time that I can't live an isolated life. I apologise if anything I'm saying doesn't seem to make sense but my head is a mess. I'm looking for an easy way out and there isn't one. There's no escape. Drugs are no longer an option. And I suppose that when the shit hits the fan I still automatically turn to the thing that has helped me, made me feel safe. I'm not sure this makes much sense to anyone, I'm finding it difficult to explain. Drugs saved me and I was lucky enough to live long enough until I could do something about it. Drugs weren't the problem, they were just a symptom, a consequence of the real issues. God this is so complicated. But I appreciate people taking the time to think about what I've already said and been there to show me some care, compassion and understanding. It means so much to me. Thank you.

 

[Jnowhere]

The sad part is that many very emotional wrecked people start using because they have no way to deal with issues that can't be dealt with. But I understand not being able to cope. Turning to something that will make you forget. Drugs or booze, is sometimes the only way to forget or ease the pain.

Especially when you are young and there isn't much of an option. Being miserable and thinking about suicide or get loaded and
forget.

Also, it is fun at times and then it turns on you. It is how a lot of people in emotional pain; that can't be dealt with by just accepting and suffering. Then it makes things worse. Then people who use drugs or drink to forget and cope are demonized.

Then again if it keeps someone from killing themselves, then it might not be right, but the alternative is much worse.

But so many people face issues that they can't cope with, and having a break from it, is one way to deal.

The sad part is many people who turn to drugs or booze are not evil people. They are hurting people, who have no way of dealing with certain things. Many times really bad things, that they can do nothing about.

Yeah, drugs from what I can tell; are themselves getting worse. The people involved in dealing are getting more greedy and untrustworthy. From what I have heard.

 

[kiely]

Nothing in one way or another in particular is going to save the world.

We need Transformations on a much larger level. And what drives our unconscious patterns too.

So we make false uh connections. What depression actually means is to depress something. It means to push it down.


And what do people push down when they're depressed ! Their emotions.

Why would somebody push down their emotions ! Because frequently in childhood it was too dangerous to experience

them. Their environment rejected them somehow.


They experienced their emotions and so they pushed their emotions down in order to belong and to be accepted

and then 20 - 30 years later they're diagnosed with this condition called depression now and what can cause

our behaviors and unconscious patterns.

~~~~

If you go to a party and you're um feeling very shy and you have one

shot of bourbon and now you feel more sociable and you talk to people and you're more confident does that prove

that your social shyness was caused by lack of bourbon in your brain !!

~~~~

Psychedelics temporarily remove the membrane between the conscious and the unconscious

And they can help people have the experience of getting to know their true

selves and the part that they may have got disconnected from a long long time ago.

 

[kiely]

^^ Therapy can help and is comforting but may have a longer duration of time to spend with committing to it as a new perspective

and a healthy way that can eventually be for even a matter of more possible choice for a system of support, of course.


And seems like it can even sometimes be of help even if it is just temporarily as well.

 

[Flynnal]

I feel you here. I had this exact sensation and emotion coming off barbiturates back in the day. Came off lots and lots of of pentobarb, tapered slowly because I knew what was going to happen if I didn't, and for months felt like shit and questioned everything about the validity of my existence and questioned everything about my self-worth. Could not sleep, could not eat anything except junk food, neglected my teeth, and it cost me thousands upon thousands to fix them, and I still lost my front teeth crowns due to an infected (and split root due to the pressure from the infection but didn't know because the nerve was gone in those teeth). So much went wrong in my life, and there was not much I could do, at least it seemed at the time. I had to find work, which was also hard, like an uphill battle. I had to keep trying just to stay alive.

The same feeling applies to coming off any and all drugs of addiction in my experience. I'd never come across any drug that doesn't cause this, the human brain is such an ass of a thing.

Now I have more than just emotional problems, I've also got neurological problems due to a progressive disease, so I don't know how much longer I'll be around. My brain doesn't work like it used to, I need glasses just to read even ordinary printed material, and I'm in my mid-40s, and I've lost about 75% of my sexual function to boot. This is not normal for a man of my age, I am sure of that. Someone in their 60s, sure, that's reasonable, not someone in their 40s...so I have more bad days than good days, but it's the good days that make up for all the bad ones. I keep having sporadic episodes, and these just won't stop coming, so I don't know how long it will be before I declare to myself that I've had enough and just pull the pin. I think I'll be around for a while to come.