I have been around these types of boards for at least 6-7 years now. As i have gotten sober i have always deleted my accounts, and when i relapse i end up in a new one. So i never have developed the respect of a long term member. Regardless i am hopefully at the end of my last relapse, and i am trying what i understand to be a fairly novel experiment that i thought everyone could benefit from.
I have been an avid drug user for the last decade. I have tried damn near everything there is: weed, coke (nasal/iv), crack, meth (smoke/swallow/iv), mdma, lsd, various 2-c's/DOx's/other RCs, DMT,, pharm stimulants, benzos, ketamine, ghb, DXM, etc etc but my chosen poison has always been opiates. Doesnt matter if i have to eat 50 hydros or bang any available pharms as long as it cheap and hits those mu receptors - which leads me to H.
I have had a 5 year love/hate relationship with H. I have been to detox 4 times, outpatient rehab once, inpatient rehab 3 times, OD'd and rushed to the ER purple while the hospital called my family to come say goodbye, been to jail and did diversion to get the charges dropped, have my wife leave me 3 times and finally divorce me, been in at least 4-5 accidents directly caused by it - totalling two vehicles (one was hitting a parked car going 45 after falling asleep and running off the road and the other was falling asleep and running into the guard rail at the foot of a big ass bridge and wiping out 30ft of it and only stopping because it wrapped up my truck), lost my apartment and been homeless for a few months, lost jobs, and lost my children.
There is hope. I have had substantial clean time in the past. I got a much bettef job amd bought a house, got back into night school, got my kids back, and realized my exwife is a fucking psycho that who was my biggest trigger. I am not at my bottom, but after binging for about 6 weeks i have had a realization that i am actually happy now. I have goals and ambitions, and i'm sick and tired of this shit. I'm sick and tired of working my ass off and then having nothing to show for it. I'm sick of having to move in with family/friends/fiends because i lost my home. Im terrified that if i lose my kids again i will never get custody back from my ex - and i know if she were to keep them from me i would snap and hurt myself and/or someone else. Im even more terrified that if i dont get through this shit for good before my kids reach a certain age (they are both very young) i am going to start causing them permenant emotional problems (or even more/worse if i already have). I feel like im just sitting in a cartoon in a boat with a hole in it scooping out the water with a bucket and i cant stop scooping or its all gonna sink to shit so i dont have even a second to try to move forward.
The positive thing i realized is that this is the first time that i have come to this decision on my own without having my (ex)wife or parents freaking out/cutting me off/or threatening me or having some random extreme event like getting arrested/losing my home/losing my job/losing my kids/ending up in a hospital/or similar forcing me to try to get clean. I feel like all the other times i was still having fun.
Sure i hated the consequences, but not one of them was because of heroin - they were because of prohibition of heroin: mainly because of unaffordable black market prices, unknowable purity, social stigma of doing something illegal, and of course the legal ramifications of doing something illegal. In the back of my mind i always knew that if i could legally get a prescription for morphine/heroin ampules and the ability to easily increase the prescribed dose as my tolerance went up that all of the problems i had experienced would not occur. At fair market value it would be ridiculously less expensive add that with the ability to go to any pharmacy to pick it up when needed and it would be no different from being a smoker. Sure if a smoker is out and can't get to the store they will become agitated, but they don't spend all day worry about it or even at all - when they feel like smoking they do it and when they need more they buy more and so it doesn't get in the way of other goals or responsibilities. I also found it insane that if a doctor prescribed it to me for physical pain that wife/family/friends/job/courts/society would be ok with it, but if i took it for emotional pain then I was "doing something bad" that "i needed to stop immediately" because "it made me a risk to those around me". I never like getting so messed up i couldn't keep my eyes open. If i did it was because i misjudged the purity, because my goal with opiates was the increased energy and feeling that things are ok so that i wasn't so depressed and could get things done. If i were prescribed by a doctor to treat this condition and because purity was certain i was never ducking out like crazy no one would ever question it - i know this for a fact because friends/family/jobs were always happy to see my improved mood etc when i was high until they realized i was using illegal drugs.
Because i always knew this in the back of my mind and still enjoyed using and still experienced all of the positive effects, i would always get pulled back in thinking i could get around the consequences that prohibition caused - i was sure that because the problems weren't inherently caused by using that i could have one without the other.
However, during this recent binge, I've used more than I ever have before and for longer than i ever have without ever coming down/getting sick. For 6 weeks i have used a minimum of a gram a day with most days reaching up to 1.5-1.75g and many 2-3g days. This isn't garbage either. I've been in it long enough that i get quality shit that I've seen 0.5g cause seasoned users to go out. I haven't run out of money, gotten caught by family/friends/jobs/courts, had any dramatic event occur, or am in anyway being pushed to quit, but the last 2 weeks i finally started to feel like i don't need opiates anymore.
My tolerance has gotten to the point where i barely get high no matter how much i use and I've only been pushing back withdrawal so that i don't miss work/school/time with kids, but even without feeling high i have been happy and able to get through my day. In fact rather than being excited and fiending for my next hit, i have been disgusted every time i have to use or purchase - wishing i could have the time to detox without messing up the other parts of my life.
Because of this i have been researching ways to painlessly switch from heroin to suboxone to nothing as well as thinking about my previous detox experiences. One thing i remembered was that back when i first started using i was taking adderall (and too much at that of course lol) and even though i was binging by shooting multiple OCs, i never experienced withdrawals (at least not bad ones) until i went to detox and they took me off the adderall. From then on when ever i relapsed i would be sick as shit.
This got me thinking, whenever i couldn't get opiates i know that i probably took even more adderall to satisfy my addictive personality's need of "something" and i was probably the adderall masking the withdrawals enough that they were barely noticeable.
Because i am trying this with a much bigger opiate habbit, I'm not expecting the speed to take away all withdrawals of a cold turkey detox like it did before. So my plan is to use it to painfully transition to suboxone, once stable on the subs i will come down off the speed and get some sleep, once i feel my body is ready for another speed binge i will start up again while doing a quick taper from the subs - however because the sub withdrawal is longer but easier i intend to take less speed at a time to allow me to get some sleep so that i can continue the binge as long as possible.
I am currently prescribed an 8mg sub strip per day and 6x 5mg desoxyn (methamphetamine hcl) per day. If needed (because i run out of desoxyn early) i can get street meth, but needless to say if this fails it won't be because i ran out of needed meds.
If you couldn't tell, ive already begun the detox and i am pretty tweaked lol. In the following post(s) i will be documenting the times i take something/what i took/how much/etc as well as how i feel/what i am doing/etc at different times. This should give a pretty good idea of the usefulness of amphetamines, or at least meth, in getting through opiate withdrawal. Of course there is the risk of swapping one addiction for another, but i was into stimulants long before opiates and they cause me nothing remotely close to the issues opiates cause me. So while my goal is to go back to taking my desoxyn as prescribed afterwards, if i have to be addicted to speed to get off opiates for good then so be it.
I have been an avid drug user for the last decade. I have tried damn near everything there is: weed, coke (nasal/iv), crack, meth (smoke/swallow/iv), mdma, lsd, various 2-c's/DOx's/other RCs, DMT,, pharm stimulants, benzos, ketamine, ghb, DXM, etc etc but my chosen poison has always been opiates. Doesnt matter if i have to eat 50 hydros or bang any available pharms as long as it cheap and hits those mu receptors - which leads me to H.
I have had a 5 year love/hate relationship with H. I have been to detox 4 times, outpatient rehab once, inpatient rehab 3 times, OD'd and rushed to the ER purple while the hospital called my family to come say goodbye, been to jail and did diversion to get the charges dropped, have my wife leave me 3 times and finally divorce me, been in at least 4-5 accidents directly caused by it - totalling two vehicles (one was hitting a parked car going 45 after falling asleep and running off the road and the other was falling asleep and running into the guard rail at the foot of a big ass bridge and wiping out 30ft of it and only stopping because it wrapped up my truck), lost my apartment and been homeless for a few months, lost jobs, and lost my children.
There is hope. I have had substantial clean time in the past. I got a much bettef job amd bought a house, got back into night school, got my kids back, and realized my exwife is a fucking psycho that who was my biggest trigger. I am not at my bottom, but after binging for about 6 weeks i have had a realization that i am actually happy now. I have goals and ambitions, and i'm sick and tired of this shit. I'm sick and tired of working my ass off and then having nothing to show for it. I'm sick of having to move in with family/friends/fiends because i lost my home. Im terrified that if i lose my kids again i will never get custody back from my ex - and i know if she were to keep them from me i would snap and hurt myself and/or someone else. Im even more terrified that if i dont get through this shit for good before my kids reach a certain age (they are both very young) i am going to start causing them permenant emotional problems (or even more/worse if i already have). I feel like im just sitting in a cartoon in a boat with a hole in it scooping out the water with a bucket and i cant stop scooping or its all gonna sink to shit so i dont have even a second to try to move forward.
The positive thing i realized is that this is the first time that i have come to this decision on my own without having my (ex)wife or parents freaking out/cutting me off/or threatening me or having some random extreme event like getting arrested/losing my home/losing my job/losing my kids/ending up in a hospital/or similar forcing me to try to get clean. I feel like all the other times i was still having fun.
Sure i hated the consequences, but not one of them was because of heroin - they were because of prohibition of heroin: mainly because of unaffordable black market prices, unknowable purity, social stigma of doing something illegal, and of course the legal ramifications of doing something illegal. In the back of my mind i always knew that if i could legally get a prescription for morphine/heroin ampules and the ability to easily increase the prescribed dose as my tolerance went up that all of the problems i had experienced would not occur. At fair market value it would be ridiculously less expensive add that with the ability to go to any pharmacy to pick it up when needed and it would be no different from being a smoker. Sure if a smoker is out and can't get to the store they will become agitated, but they don't spend all day worry about it or even at all - when they feel like smoking they do it and when they need more they buy more and so it doesn't get in the way of other goals or responsibilities. I also found it insane that if a doctor prescribed it to me for physical pain that wife/family/friends/job/courts/society would be ok with it, but if i took it for emotional pain then I was "doing something bad" that "i needed to stop immediately" because "it made me a risk to those around me". I never like getting so messed up i couldn't keep my eyes open. If i did it was because i misjudged the purity, because my goal with opiates was the increased energy and feeling that things are ok so that i wasn't so depressed and could get things done. If i were prescribed by a doctor to treat this condition and because purity was certain i was never ducking out like crazy no one would ever question it - i know this for a fact because friends/family/jobs were always happy to see my improved mood etc when i was high until they realized i was using illegal drugs.
Because i always knew this in the back of my mind and still enjoyed using and still experienced all of the positive effects, i would always get pulled back in thinking i could get around the consequences that prohibition caused - i was sure that because the problems weren't inherently caused by using that i could have one without the other.
However, during this recent binge, I've used more than I ever have before and for longer than i ever have without ever coming down/getting sick. For 6 weeks i have used a minimum of a gram a day with most days reaching up to 1.5-1.75g and many 2-3g days. This isn't garbage either. I've been in it long enough that i get quality shit that I've seen 0.5g cause seasoned users to go out. I haven't run out of money, gotten caught by family/friends/jobs/courts, had any dramatic event occur, or am in anyway being pushed to quit, but the last 2 weeks i finally started to feel like i don't need opiates anymore.
My tolerance has gotten to the point where i barely get high no matter how much i use and I've only been pushing back withdrawal so that i don't miss work/school/time with kids, but even without feeling high i have been happy and able to get through my day. In fact rather than being excited and fiending for my next hit, i have been disgusted every time i have to use or purchase - wishing i could have the time to detox without messing up the other parts of my life.
Because of this i have been researching ways to painlessly switch from heroin to suboxone to nothing as well as thinking about my previous detox experiences. One thing i remembered was that back when i first started using i was taking adderall (and too much at that of course lol) and even though i was binging by shooting multiple OCs, i never experienced withdrawals (at least not bad ones) until i went to detox and they took me off the adderall. From then on when ever i relapsed i would be sick as shit.
This got me thinking, whenever i couldn't get opiates i know that i probably took even more adderall to satisfy my addictive personality's need of "something" and i was probably the adderall masking the withdrawals enough that they were barely noticeable.
Because i am trying this with a much bigger opiate habbit, I'm not expecting the speed to take away all withdrawals of a cold turkey detox like it did before. So my plan is to use it to painfully transition to suboxone, once stable on the subs i will come down off the speed and get some sleep, once i feel my body is ready for another speed binge i will start up again while doing a quick taper from the subs - however because the sub withdrawal is longer but easier i intend to take less speed at a time to allow me to get some sleep so that i can continue the binge as long as possible.
I am currently prescribed an 8mg sub strip per day and 6x 5mg desoxyn (methamphetamine hcl) per day. If needed (because i run out of desoxyn early) i can get street meth, but needless to say if this fails it won't be because i ran out of needed meds.
If you couldn't tell, ive already begun the detox and i am pretty tweaked lol. In the following post(s) i will be documenting the times i take something/what i took/how much/etc as well as how i feel/what i am doing/etc at different times. This should give a pretty good idea of the usefulness of amphetamines, or at least meth, in getting through opiate withdrawal. Of course there is the risk of swapping one addiction for another, but i was into stimulants long before opiates and they cause me nothing remotely close to the issues opiates cause me. So while my goal is to go back to taking my desoxyn as prescribed afterwards, if i have to be addicted to speed to get off opiates for good then so be it.
