Is there really nothing that I can do?

[laughingheart]

I have a friend that I used to often do drugs with (used to meaning I haven't in months but it hasn't been ruled out), at first it was weed then it moved to heroin than to meth. I've probably done heroin about 6 or 7 times, meth a little more often (approximately 20 or so times?) over a period of about a year.

Long story short we had an experience that eventually turned me off the drugs (not to say that I would never do them again but the urge to do them has almost subsided completely. It wasn't really a big deal I just had one of those moments where I realised it wasn't really worth it and given the amount of money I was wasting I couldn't justify using it as regularly as I had been because the high just wasn't worth it.)

However my friend who initially I believed shared the same sentiments seems to have reverted back to using them where I haven't touched either since (this was about 4 months ago?) The thing that bothers me however is that there are a lot of signs pointing to the possibility of some kind of addiction and I'm not sure the amount that they do alone or with other people.

I know that they used to be a daily smoker but came off it due to the paranoia and I thought that this kind of behaviour could be a precedent to getting addicted to stronger substances, I mean they didn't really quit due to strength of will but being forced to and I think this might be a replacement (I've heard them make corelations between the drugs and how much "better" they are than pot).

Another alarm bell for me was the fact that when we used to do it together, sometimes we would make plans to keep some until the next day but they would eventually start to get really irritable to the point where we had to continue doing whatever we had left. You know the whole "fuck it let's just do the rest eh", "we can always get more tomorrow", that sort of thing.

Also I have noticed the early stages of justifying using the needle to save money (which we had both agreed at one stage was one step too far.) It parallels an experience where we both decided that we didn't want to do bongs but then ended up exclusively using them.

I realise that I might come across as a dick that doesn't understand the desire to keep using, almost self righteous but please understand that this isn't my intention at all. I've had my own personal demons that I've had to work through and continue to work through and I kind of had this moment where I realised that my desire to do these drugs were a form of self medication, running away from my problems and that I never did these when I was feeling good about myself so it really killed the light hearted fun of it all (for now at least, I don't know what the future holds).

Anyway I have been lurking through this forum for a while now (for the past year or so) and I am just wondering if there is anything that I can do to help my friend see the light? I thought I understood what addiction felt like but frankly now that I have managed to stop doing it I feel quite naieve and immature like I never truly understood half of what some of you must be going through.

Having lurked on here for quite a while I know that there really isn't much that I can do, that they have to see the light for themselves, they have to want to stop, etc but I can't break this feeling that I can do something, anything no matter how small to help them see the light before it becomes too late. I don't know I just can't shake this feeling that if I do nothing I am really just washing my hands of them.

I also want to say that this board is really an inspiration to me, it has helped me work my way through a lot of my own issues. It really is quite heart warming that so many of you dedicate time to helping people that you don't know personally move through their problems. My personal experiences with a lot of the drug community have been the "dog eat dog", "if you have problems I don't want to know", "all part of the game" kind of attitude. This site gives me hope in society, to find that there are people helping each other in their hours of need without any percievable personal gain. You are all beautiful people and I sincerely hope that you all find what it is your looking for.

Thanks.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Welcome to BL & TDS laughingheart,

Cool user name and a very well thought out, well composed first post. Impressive.

My experience is that nagging, cajoling, benign manipulating, threatening, begging, and rationing all end up ineffective. Stating it like it is and putting some distance between you and him isn't going to work either but it is what I recommend.I don't mean shut him out though Keep the channels open. Enjoy what you can enjoy. What eventually works is the user getting sick of the consequences.

If he has some one cleaning up his messes and helping him avoid consequences it likely prolongs the amount of time it takes for him to decide his use is a problem.

There is a danger in what I'm suggesting. He may get lots worse and could even die. You have to decide that you aren't responsible. I know your friendship probably isn't than only thing going on that enables him and makes him feel like its OK to use. You can only really control your part in this. Not him, not the other players.

The best case would be that your distance and honest expression of deep concern causes him to immediately abstain or decrease his usage substantially.

Other approaches would be to arrange an intervention. Get others involved. Line up resources like treatment and meetings. have everybody set limits and boundaries. Personally, unless he asked me to help line up resources I wouldn't do that but it is reasonable I suppose.

Taking care of a person with a bigger interest in drugs than people becomes mind bending and soul draining for a lot of people. The reality is that you will probably keep doing as much as you can and til you can do it no more. Take care of your self. Watch for openings. Be direct and honest, and do not be his patsy . According to Claude Steiner there are only so many roles you can play to an addict-supplier, patsy, persecutor. I may be forgetting one but most people go back and forth between patsy and persecutor. Its a lot more fun to be the addict. Standardly refuse to be a role in his addiction. If you do not call him out on his ulterior motives when you detect them because it isn't polite, start being impolite. You may be wrong on occasion. He will likely tell you that you are wrong but I bet you will be right more often than not. It will also establish that you aren't playing patsy anymore.

 

[Legerity]

Welcome to the boards Enki up there seems to be a good person to listen to for balanced advice.

I think he's right that constant nagging will most likely not be effective. A good friend I've mine that I've known for 15-20 years was going through a period where "according to me" he was using drugs too often and it was having a negative impact on his life. Sometimes he had brought it up that he wanted to stop, so I tried to encourage him and be supportive. But one day I decided I needed a break for him and told him that it was really affecting me, so we ended up staying apart for a few months.

Anyways, after that we got back in touch, and now it seems that we are closer than ever before. Neither of us have any bad feelings and it was a good thing to be able to be honest with one another.

I would think if the two of you are good friends, he would appreciate an honest expression of concern. Sometimes telling people something they don't necessarily want to hear can be the most loving thing you can do for them.

Do let us know how things turn out

 

[das_feuer]

...Having lurked on here for quite a while I know that there really isn't much that I can do, that they have to see the light for themselves, they have to want to stop, etc but I can't break this feeling that I can do something, anything no matter how small to help them see the light before it becomes too late. I don't know I just can't shake this feeling that if I do nothing I am really just washing my hands of them...

You could stop being friends with them until they make positive changes in their lives to treat their addiction. There's absolutely nothing that you can do. If you continue to hang around them, it's just another reminder that they can keep continuing down this path of destruction, that their friends will tolerate it. Perhaps if you leave this will give them pause to think about what they are doing. Of course, perhaps not. One never knows.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey Laughing heart!

^^Im with Enki on this question...cant think of anything more to add, except be careful, dont let it/him 'consume you'-you must put yourself first to be of any help to anyone(if not now, maybe later).
Sometimes, someone using will see the light and get the urge to quit, by just seeing a friend with better peace of mind than they have while their using, sometimes they wont...
All you can do is hope and try, the rest is out of your hands... In one sense you have to 'wash your hands' but not in the classical sense. This doesnt mean you dont care- its jst a kind detatchment; you care but your not going to disrespect them or yourself by trying to take control or letting them take control of you! Do take care of yourself, if the situation becomes too toxic -plz do get help.