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Is my 12 year old a sexual predator? Need advice ASAP

Codemaster Mike

Codemaster Mike

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 19, 2013
Messages
20
Location
FL, UNITED STATES
Hello All,

I apologize if this is in the wrong place. If it needs to be moved then please feel free to do so.

I am in desperate need of some advice. First some background. I have a large family with 4 children. We have two girls and two boys and their ages are 12 year old boy (my son from a previous relationship), 11 year old girl, 7 year old girl and 5 year old boy (all three hers from a previous relationship). We have had some problems as a family including losing both of our jobs and both me and my wife being very dependant on opiates for the past 2 years. We have both gotten off the opiates and have begun to repair the damage a longterm addiction will cause. We lost our home while still being addicted and were able to move in with my baby's mom (I know it sounds like a problem waiting to happen but we are all adults and I would say friends now). We have been hear about 3 months and I have a job now so we are trying to get things fixed. Now onto my issue.

My 12 year old is in the middle of puberty but him and my five year old play together quite a bit. We allowed them to shower together out of convenience (two boys shower then two girls) and occasionally the five year old sleeps in the room with my son, the 12 year old, to keep him from having to sleep with the girls and watch their shows.

Well tonight my son's mother went in his room to tell him good night and found both boys under the blanket naked. They were apparantly experimenting with touching and french kissing. The youngest said that it was my son's idea and that he had found a magazine that showed people having sex and that my son wanted to try the stuff on him. My son instantly knew he was in the wrong because he was apologizing and crying and obviously very upset (from the sexual activity or from being caught??). He said he was curious and that it was the five year old's idea. He said the five year old asked him what making out with girls was like and he was showing him. Both kids agreed that this was the first time anything like this had happened.

I have set rules that my son will now shower alone, sleep alone, always have the door to his room open and not spend the night at anyones house. I also asked the girls seperately if he had touched them in any way and feel confident that when they said no it is the truth. In fact, all questioning was done seperately. I told him that I was very disappointed and that what he did was considered abuse. He took advantage of the five year old for his own sexual satisfaction and while he says he is not gay, I am beginning to have doubts. I have expressed clearly that if he is attracted to other boys that is okay and I will still love him the same.

I am not sure what else to do or say and need some clear advice. I don't want to handle this the wrong way. Thank you for listening and I look forward to the replies. I will answer any questions that I can in hopes that it improves the advice that I get.
 
The 5 year old wants to know what making out with a girl is like? Umm...don't believe that.

Is it possible he's been abused or seen something somewhere? My friend had a similar issue with his son, and they found out the older kid down the street was touching the kid where he didn't like it. The kid now gets therapy and is no longer allowed to play with the boy down the street.

12 years old is too old to be showering with another kid, but I guess you've remedied that. He's 12, so he's probably coming into that age when he's getting hormones and wants to experiment. I wouldn't call him a predator. He doesn't know how to express it or experiment. I think it was a good idea to separate them, but I would also be concerned and ask him where he learned about "making out" and all of that.
 
Thank you for your reply.

He did mention the magazine and I am searching his room for more illicit material tomorrow while he is at school. He knows that if has/had any questions of any kind that he can ask me or either mother. We have constantly hammered that in his head. As far as the abuse, I don't know but I am taking him one on one tomorrow to ask him about it. The troubling thing to me is the age difference. I agree about the showering and wish I had remedied it sooner.
 
I'd say you did the right thing. Twelve-on-five "acting out" goes well beyond same-sex experimentation, IMO.

To echo Lysis, definitely find out more about the background of your son and where this behavior may be coming from. Best of luck to you.
 
Should I contact a pyschiatrist and put him in therapy/treatment to find out the root cause and why he would do something like this? I will try to find out if he was touched or abused tomorrow. I think no matter what I learn that I should get him in to see a doc.
 
I really empathize w/ you and agree w/ Lysis that the 12 yr old *might* have been victimized in the past. However, given his age and that some magazine was mentioned, it's difficult to know. Idk that he will talk to you or his mom but if he does, listen very closely to what he says -and what he doesn't say- cuz sometimes you can learn more by what is left unsaid.
Keep your eyes and ears open. Do not ever leave any of the kids unsupervised and please, please protect the girls. Hopefully this was a one time event but he has victimized, manipulated, and objectified a 5 yr old child for his own sexual gratification. Very difficult situation, for sure.
Best of luck to you.
-izzy
 
The root cause? Wouldn't that just be human nature. As for taking him to a doctor, seems like overkill to me. You don't want to scar the poor kid. I wouldn't be surprised if incidents like this can cause a child to turn gay later in his life.

Talk to him like the father you are.
 
In response to everyone but bagochina: Thank you for your well thought out responses and help. Do you think that I should seek psychiatric therapy for one or both of the boys? And yes I will protect all the other children from this type of abuse happening in the future.

In response to bagochina: This is not typical kid behaviour. Sexual abuse among children is considered if the abuser is 5 years older or more than the victim. Considering the 7 year age difference this is outside the realm of normal child sex play. I seriously think you have some unreconciled isssues if you define this as in any way normal.
 
Bagochina - I'm not concerned at whether my son is gay or not. I am concerned about his mental health and even more for the victim (a five year old child that you are not only minimizing but removing from the equation) that was abused. This is classified as sexual abuse from every website I can find which makes my son a sexual predator. I have talked to him some and will continue to address this issue with him.
 
I was twelve not too long ago.... was in the 8th grade... (19 now) anyways at that age I was old enough to know right from wrong. Would have never thought about having any sexual relations with my siblings.... 12 may sound young but it's not like we are naive or really think something like that is just experimenting. I don't know, sounds iffy but I'm sure the showering thing could of had something to do with it as well as the media.... add that with curiosity and something like this happens.

Just please talk to him... ask him why he did what he did? Talk to the five year old and go over what is okay and what's not. And if someone tries to touch him again he should yell and let you know. This is a hard situation... I really don't know what you can do. Just try to guide your son in the right direction... if it happens again then action must be taken.
 
After further review and rereading the thread over, yeah not typical behavior. I really don't know what I would do and didn't mean to belittle your situation.
 
If you have a pediatrician that knows your family, you might want to consult with him/her first so you can get some advice and a referral to an appropriate counselor/psychologist. That would be the best place to start and I hope you do have a doc who knows y'all well.
Regardless of the state, medical professionals are mandated reporters to HRS or CPS, w/e FL calls that agency now. I never had direct experience w/ HRS during the nearly 30 years I lived in the damn swamp but know several people who went through nightmarish shit with them. If I were in your situation, I'd be inclined to get both kids some counseling but since I have such a shitty personal opinion of FL in general, it would scare the hell outta me to potentially have HRS/CPS involved. I'm not certain this would -have- to be reported to them but expect it very well might be.
Again, a pediatrician that knows you and your kids well would be the best person to answer those kind of questions and I would def want to consult with him/her first.
-izzy
 
Your son isn't a "predator" nor does it sound like his behavior is particularly abnormal. I don't know a lot about your living situation, but it is clearly not what someone would call traditional. Your son is in the middle of puberty and is currently experiencing significant hormonal changes which have caused him to become curious about his sexuality resulting in his experimentation with his stepbrother. Most kids don't experiment with siblings, true, but most kids also don't have 3 addict parents and shower and sleep in the same bed as their siblings, so comparing his behavior to the societal norm isn't necessarily valid. Talk to the kid, explain to him why his actions were wrong and help him understand the changes his body is going through. The only reason you should consider psychiatric attention is if his behavior continues or intensifies. There's no reason to shame him or punish him too severely, that will only cause him problems later in life - just talk to him.

Source: I've studied Developmental Psychology
 
I've studied too but unless we have a phd we're not psychologists...... we don't want to have a case of med student syndrome. Lol what my abnormal psychology teacher likes to call it. Anyways, I say counseling may be a good idea. Not just because of this but because of your living situation period.... your kids seem to be having a rocky life. I was in foster care as a kid, went through a lot abuse there, came back home, had drug addicted parents (dad for recreational but my mother later got hooked to her pain pills because of injury). I lost homes, had to live with other people and all that shit. Things like this do effect kids even if we may not show it. I wish I could of had the chance to talk to someone... I'm not just saying do it because of this situation but I don't know... maybe just the overall situation.

I also say do it because he will get older... the five year old boy will too... they will both remember and I don't know how this will effect both sons. Even if it was just experimenting they will probably feel bad about themselves when they really grow and understand the situation. So either way this needs to be talked about now and not later.
 
^ Of course, I'm not pretending to be an expert or anything, but my Developmental course had me regularly working with kids around the ages in question as well as poring through hundreds of case reports, so I do have some experience. Among the most common were parents concerned with their child's sexual expression, and while many of the situations sound distressing to an adult observer, such situations are not always indicative of sexual or psychological dysfunction in a child. I agree that these children could probably benefit from professional help (but then again, who couldn't?), but as for this specific situation I believe the only thing the child needs is a calm, attentive and understanding parental figure. Talk, listen, and move on.
 
Bagochina - Thank you.

McGrunge - Thank you. My son's biological mother isn't and never has been an addict. She never uses drugs and rarely drinks. We have been without a home for about five months and while I agree it has an effect on the children, he stays with his mother primarly so I would say our troubles haven't had as much influence on him as the other three. We have been living with them full time for about two months. I agree the situation isn't ideal and now that stepmom and me are through acute withdrawal and PAWS we are trying to rectify the situation. He has his own bed and hasn't been made to share it.

Stayfaded - I would like to get him counseling but I am worried about it being reported and having legal ramifications. I am nearly certian this would be viewed as a crime and he would have to deal with all that which I think would make things worse for everyone.
 
MrGrunge said:
Your son isn't a "predator" nor does it sound like his behavior is particularly abnormal. I don't know a lot about your living situation, but it is clearly not what someone would call traditional. Your son is in the middle of puberty and is currently experiencing significant hormonal changes which have caused him to become curious about his sexuality resulting in his experimentation with his stepbrother. Most kids don't experiment with siblings, true, but most kids also don't have 3 addict parents and shower and sleep in the same bed as their siblings, so comparing his behavior to the societal norm isn't necessarily valid. Talk to the kid, explain to him why his actions were wrong and help him understand the changes his body is going through. The only reason you should consider psychiatric attention is if his behavior continues or intensifies. There's no reason to shame him or punish him too severely, that will only cause him problems later in life - just talk to him.

Source: I've studied Developmental Psychology
Click to expand...

i agree. good post

all the best op.
 
This sounds like a serious issue to me, not a crisis but he needs to understand why it is that what he did with that boy was wrong. Have you had the sex/jerkin-da-girk/porno talk with him yet? Masturbation and sexual experimentation are essential parts of growing up, but they need to be practiced in the proper setting.

If this behavior continues, and I'd keep an eye out, the yes I'd say you should consult a psychologist or appropriate medical professional.
 
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