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Recovery Is it selfish to get into a relationship in recovery?

downfallin

downfallin

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 8, 2010
Messages
188
Location
Somewhere in California
I am a heroin addict. Yes, i am clean with the help of vivitrol and gabapentin. However i relapse alot and have yet to put a year together. I dont relapse for long, I usually go on a week or two long run before i get clean again and start recieving vivitrol shots again. Even though ive been clean for a while, and i really dont want to, i feel that realistically, im going to relapse again. I dont want to put anyone else through that. I feel like Id be better off keeping all things casual. Lonely? Perhaps. But better than dragging other people into your shit. Id rather just focus on myself.
 
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Sometimes a real relationship can seriously change our view on many things, including drug use. Ya never know.. The right chick might help you outta your cage. My girl is a big reason I've decided to kick.. All though I think of using hourly, I hoped one day it will go away.

Just go with the flow man.
 
in my pessonal experience
i used lryca
and low dose natrexone bed time
i not relapced and i am euphoric from lryca
 
they say its a bad idea to get into a relationship in EARLY recovery because of the "highs" and "lows" that come with it. Could you handle a relationship going badly? when things go wrong would you be triggered to use? I know I was...
 
When I first started taking steps toward recovery, I was coming out of a pretty shitty period of my life that not only included alcohol and drug abuse, but professional failures, deaths of close family members and a divorce. I got into several relationships way too quickly. I had been married for about 14 years, and I always had girlfriends before that, so from the time in about 20 years I found myself alone and the idea of it terrified me. In hindsight (and with a lot of therapy) I understand now that I was looking for happiness externally when it really has to come from within. I understand where you're coming from because I've been there but you really should be comfortable in your own skin first for a relationship to be healthy and not dysfunctionally codependent. Along with most everyone else, I say wait as well.
 
It is suggested that you do not get involved in a relationship within your first year of recovery, there's a lot of reasons why you shouldn't get into a relationship early on in recovery because the main objective is for you to build a relationship with a higher power. I say this because I have relapsed before due to getting into a relationship. Feelings got hurt because she stopped talking with me, and I didn't know how to handle them, so I got high.

Now, I have a awesome sponsor and support group that tells me that the time will come for me to be in a healthy relationship. meaning that nothing in gods world happens on mistake.

and if she is in the program then know that she's sick too, and it would be a dick move to remove her from her program to get in a relationship with her. just saying
 
I look at it simply in terms of stability. Stability lends itself to a healthy relationship. Instability in life tends to lend itself to instability in one's relationships. Coming out of a major lifestyle change tends to create instability with all our habits being affected.

Plus, it tends to be a burn to be in a relationship with someone else who is early in recovery, because it will generally require more attention and effort being put into maintaining healthy boundaries. That can be a real burden in terms of growing into new, healthier habits, because when we experience stress we tend to revert to those coping mechanisms we are most familiar with, when in reality we need to be exploring and putting effort into creating new patterns of behavior for ourselves.

Relationships also tend to get a lot better when they are healthier, and it's very difficult to create or maintain a healthy relationship with someone else while one is struggling to maintain a healthy relationship with themselves.
 
Nope, not selfish. Everyone with a sexuality desires and needs love & affection from others.

It is selfish to drag someone else into your junkie bullshit, though. So don't do that :)
 
I would say it is rather selfish for someone's unhealthy lifestyle to affect another person's (misery loves company) just because he or she is lonely.
 
Presumably, if someone is "in recovery", they are trying to do better for themselves. So they've decided that the unhealthy lifestyle is no longer for them. Whether or not their effort will ultimately be successful, or to what degree it'll be successful, who's to know...admittedly it doesn't exactly sound like the OP is done with heroin for good. I don't really see a problem with someone being in some kind of relationship in recovery, though, at least not in the abstract. Especially if the other person in question doesn't use drugs...strong interpersonal connections to others who do not use drugs is one of the most effective deterrents to drug addiction IME. If you're in a relationship with another person in recovery that could potentially pose problems related to them relapsing and jeopardizing your sobriety (or vice versa), but that's a separate issue I think.

It's something that should be determined on an individual, case-by-case basis. The right individual in your life could help tremendously in helping you stay away from harmful substances. I know that, for me personally, being alone is not going to make me stay sober. In fact the opposite is true
 
If u find a girl make sure she is not using. When there's two idle mind s at work u will get into...
 
Hmm thanks you guys, ya i think a relationship is a bad idea for me at least right now anyways. I definately dont have the stability you guys are talking about and I dont want to drag anyone into my "junkie bullshit" as burnt offerings eloquently put haha. I've been there and wrecked too many relationships by using or just being a dry junkie. I kind of also never want to have kids because of the possibility of me fucking up thier lives.
 
I will often have a guy I mentor write a list of all the things he wants from a partner and what he desires of a relationship. Then he will attempt to hand me the list and I will just pass it back to him and ask him if he is capable of those things and possesses those things. My wife and I got clean together and we have both stayed clean just for today mostly because our recoveries are completely separate. I don't attempt to mentor her and I keep my side of the street clean by continuing to focus on my overall health.

I don't use the term unrealistic expectations. I prefer to use ambiguous expectations. I don't know what my expectations are, but when I am placing them on outside things to satisfy my inner being then I am setting myself up for disappointment. I don't know what I expect from you, I just know that I will be sorely dissatisfied. I have experienced a 100% dissatisfaction rate when I am in that mode.

**EDIT

I will also say that outside help has played a meaningful role in the maintenance of our relationship. I had this twisted idea that counseling was for people who had terrible relationships. I came to understand through experience that counseling is for people who don't want their relationship to turn terrible. I am a dog and dogs struggle to speak cat. I have learned how to better communicate with a cat just for today, but it has taken a willingness to do a significant amount of work even when it wasn't my idea.
 
I am sure that my recovery has gone a lot smoother as I have had Artemisia on my side as we can dream what future has for us and as a side bonus her usage has also diminished from recreational use to very rare recreational use. Also her drug use features totally different drugs as my drug use did so there isn't possibility for me to start using what she uses or her trying to benefit me being on ORT. Win-Win situation for both.

Also we both can councel each others as we have both experience from drug use.

And love does makes life easier, more tolarable and We both are looking forward for each day and get so much out of our relationship that the benefits weigh over the risks.

If both have all the info on others prior or current usage and can live with those then I would say go for it.

Although I might have different view if I would have had for example huge relapses or her recreational drug use would have got out of hands.

Truly Artemisia is the best thing that has happened in my life after my daughter who is the number one girl in my life. As they both get along each other there is not even a problem with her taking time out of my daughter or something like that.

I love my life and all those who are part of it.
 
It takes around 2+ years to recover from drug addiction. You have not yet started. Partner relationships lol...why are you even asking this stupid question? Because there are fools here who will purr like kittens the answers you wish to hear? Wait 5 years...or 7 even better (sobriety !!)
Until then you are pissing into the wind...sorry possum...you really are.
 
As relationships are a huge part of human live and the fact that they can help being sober if things are going well there isn't no readon to exclude that part of life at all.
 
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