moonshield06
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2006
- Messages
- 65
I've been on suboxone for a little over a year. I've went from 24mg to 8mg, and I'm stuck at 8mg at this point now. The problem is, I am still using heroin at least once a week, and I think it's mainly because I know I can get away with it. I do goto outpatient groups, once or twice a week(totally up to me) but I am still finding the urge to use whenever I have the money. Now, I know coming off methadone is very very hellish, but considering I've been on suboxone for over a year and still on 8mg and having a hard time fathoming going any lower(since I'm still relapsing/using once a week) I feel like when it's time to come off bupe, it's going to be hell anyway.
My reasons for wanting to switch to methadone is this... With the methadone, I will be required to go every morning to take my dose. I can't skip doses or they'll pretty much kick me out. I've also heard making the switch from suboxone->methadone is not hard what so ever. It's the opposite that can be a bitch. I know what I'm getting into by switching over to methadone. I know I will feel medicated, and I'm fine with that...but I also want to be able to function properly and not appear to be nodding out every second of every day. My girlfriend whom I'm with currently has dealt with my addiction for a long time, and she's stayed with me even through the relapses. She HATES seeing me when I take my klonopin just because it makes me feel kinda droopy at 2mg. She always assumes I'm on heroin. I talked to her about methadone and she said "Why, so you can be high?" And I can't tell you how much that frustrates me. Yes, with the suboxone I am not high or feeling medicated, but it's not stopping me from relapsing on heroin either! And I'm an IV user. I don't WANT to fucking relapse on this shit anymore, but I really do enjoy the heroin high, and I figure if I'm taking methadone, I can't divert from the program unless I want to be sent packing. I will be forced into going every morning, taking my dose IN FRONT of the nurse so I can't try and skip it to go run and get high... it really seems like it may help me in the relapse department and keep me cleaner than I am already.
Right now, my drug use is like this.. I take my 8mg suboxone every day. The day before pay-day each week, I skip my suboxone dose and go with nothing, then I wake up the next day, hit the atm, and go score a bundle of good dope and get rocked all day long. Then I wake up and start my suboxone again. This is a vicious cycle and it's not doing me any good. I truthfully WANT to be clean, but that desire is not leaving me like it did previously when I first got on suboxone. I don't want to raise my suboxone dose. Again, that's taking a step backwards as well. And it will just further delay ever getting off it. I'm a firm believer that there is no time-limit to how long one should be under medicated recovery whether it be methadone or suboxone, but right now...with the suboxone...I'm relapsing, and it's almost like when I have money in my hand I always find a way to get what I want. I'm on thin ice with my family, with my girl, it's a very shitty situation. I've already talked to my parents about methadone(I'm 25, but still see my parents every day) and they said "Well I've read methadone is very hard to come off of" and I said yes, it is...because of it's very long half life, but suboxone is also not easy to come off of, especially when I've used it for as long as I have.
I know inpatient rehab is not an option for me. It's not going to solve anything, and I know now with my addiction that I'm a medicated recovery patient. I know if I went to inpatient, I'd be clean for my stay there, and as soon as I got out I'd go back to using again. That's why I went the medication route, because I want something that's going to take away all cravings, and desire as well as withdrawals.
Am I making any sense here? Is this a bad decision? I mean, I look at it like this. What I am doing right now is NOT good for myself, or for my loved ones...but the suboxone just isn't keeping me away from heroin like it used to. I have this strong feeling that Methadone WOULD keep me from ever going back on heroin while I was on it. It would stop me from purposefully skipping my meds in order to go get high on real opiates. The problem is, there is only one methadone clinic in my area, and it's in a very busy city known for heroin use. So there's an "unofficial" waiting list, and quite frankly I don't have time for that. I want to make the switch now, and stop relapsing as soon as possible.
Currently I see a psychatrist who prescribes me my suboxone. He's a very trusting psychatrist. He knows about my relapses(not all of them) and he knows I'm against raising my dose again. He also prescribes me 2mg/daily klonopin for my anxiety disorder. The next time I see him, I'm going to bring up the fact that I've relapsed again and that I think I want to try methadone to try and put a stop to my heroin use. Can he, or should I say, would he even be able to prescribe me methadone? I plan on going to see him with my mother there. I'm not sure if a law prohibits him from rx'ing pain meds...BUT since I'm a very good patient of his, and we speak very often, I'm wondering if he could write me the methadone for PAIN and not for addiction related purposes because I AM aware that no doctor can prescribe methadone for addiction purposes and only the clinics are allowed to give out methadone for that purpose. If my mother goes with me, and tells him that she will be responsible for giving me my methadone dose each day so there is absolutely zero way for abuse potential, could it be possible for him to switch me? I think he would most likely take me off the benzo or start weaning me off. I haven't developed a dependency to klonopin yet as I can go days without it and feel fine. I really only take it when it gets bad.
I need some help here. I really think this is my only option at this point. I would love to get into this clinic near me because they take my medacaid(my psychatrist doesn't, and it's all out of pocket, except my insurance covers the prescription for subs) but I don't have time to sit on a waiting list. What if the next time I relapse I end up OD'ng?*knocks on wood* I can't afford to take that chance. If anyone has a similar story or situation, please offer up any advice you may have.
There are other methadone clinics in my state, but they are hours away and there's simply no way with the way gas prices are now that I can afford to make a 2-3+hour drive every morning just to get my methadone, plus have to drive back while medicated. Ugh. I don't want to touch this fucking drug anymore. I want people to know that I'm stable, and under medical care and taking a legal substance to keep me away from using heroin. I want my girlfriend to feel comfortable knowing that I can't relapse, and I want my family to feel comfortable as well. Right now, they don't feel comfortable, and it's depressing the hell out of me.
I'm really sorry for this long story... I really am. I just really enjoy the feeling I get from opiates, and it's something I'm finding really hard to stay away from. When I first got on suboxone, I was clean with zero relapses for over 8 months. Now? I relapse once every week, or every other week. Sometimes more. It's like as soon as I found out I could "cheat the system" and use heroin whenever I wanted to, and then just take suboxone to never have to face any kind of withdrawal symptoms, it all went down hill. There has to be some kind of way. I don't want to do any kind of hospital stay just to start methadone. I can go 72 hours without suboxone or heroin in my system, and "detox" so to speak, and then begin methadone...easily. That's why the clinic here is so appealing to me, but waiting list? I don't get it. I understand a lot of people are addicted to heroin, but really how long is the process every morning of coming in, drinking your cup/swallowing your pill, signing a waiver saying you were here and took your medication, and going on your way? Sorry I'm just agitated right now.
My reasons for wanting to switch to methadone is this... With the methadone, I will be required to go every morning to take my dose. I can't skip doses or they'll pretty much kick me out. I've also heard making the switch from suboxone->methadone is not hard what so ever. It's the opposite that can be a bitch. I know what I'm getting into by switching over to methadone. I know I will feel medicated, and I'm fine with that...but I also want to be able to function properly and not appear to be nodding out every second of every day. My girlfriend whom I'm with currently has dealt with my addiction for a long time, and she's stayed with me even through the relapses. She HATES seeing me when I take my klonopin just because it makes me feel kinda droopy at 2mg. She always assumes I'm on heroin. I talked to her about methadone and she said "Why, so you can be high?" And I can't tell you how much that frustrates me. Yes, with the suboxone I am not high or feeling medicated, but it's not stopping me from relapsing on heroin either! And I'm an IV user. I don't WANT to fucking relapse on this shit anymore, but I really do enjoy the heroin high, and I figure if I'm taking methadone, I can't divert from the program unless I want to be sent packing. I will be forced into going every morning, taking my dose IN FRONT of the nurse so I can't try and skip it to go run and get high... it really seems like it may help me in the relapse department and keep me cleaner than I am already.
Right now, my drug use is like this.. I take my 8mg suboxone every day. The day before pay-day each week, I skip my suboxone dose and go with nothing, then I wake up the next day, hit the atm, and go score a bundle of good dope and get rocked all day long. Then I wake up and start my suboxone again. This is a vicious cycle and it's not doing me any good. I truthfully WANT to be clean, but that desire is not leaving me like it did previously when I first got on suboxone. I don't want to raise my suboxone dose. Again, that's taking a step backwards as well. And it will just further delay ever getting off it. I'm a firm believer that there is no time-limit to how long one should be under medicated recovery whether it be methadone or suboxone, but right now...with the suboxone...I'm relapsing, and it's almost like when I have money in my hand I always find a way to get what I want. I'm on thin ice with my family, with my girl, it's a very shitty situation. I've already talked to my parents about methadone(I'm 25, but still see my parents every day) and they said "Well I've read methadone is very hard to come off of" and I said yes, it is...because of it's very long half life, but suboxone is also not easy to come off of, especially when I've used it for as long as I have.
I know inpatient rehab is not an option for me. It's not going to solve anything, and I know now with my addiction that I'm a medicated recovery patient. I know if I went to inpatient, I'd be clean for my stay there, and as soon as I got out I'd go back to using again. That's why I went the medication route, because I want something that's going to take away all cravings, and desire as well as withdrawals.
Am I making any sense here? Is this a bad decision? I mean, I look at it like this. What I am doing right now is NOT good for myself, or for my loved ones...but the suboxone just isn't keeping me away from heroin like it used to. I have this strong feeling that Methadone WOULD keep me from ever going back on heroin while I was on it. It would stop me from purposefully skipping my meds in order to go get high on real opiates. The problem is, there is only one methadone clinic in my area, and it's in a very busy city known for heroin use. So there's an "unofficial" waiting list, and quite frankly I don't have time for that. I want to make the switch now, and stop relapsing as soon as possible.
Currently I see a psychatrist who prescribes me my suboxone. He's a very trusting psychatrist. He knows about my relapses(not all of them) and he knows I'm against raising my dose again. He also prescribes me 2mg/daily klonopin for my anxiety disorder. The next time I see him, I'm going to bring up the fact that I've relapsed again and that I think I want to try methadone to try and put a stop to my heroin use. Can he, or should I say, would he even be able to prescribe me methadone? I plan on going to see him with my mother there. I'm not sure if a law prohibits him from rx'ing pain meds...BUT since I'm a very good patient of his, and we speak very often, I'm wondering if he could write me the methadone for PAIN and not for addiction related purposes because I AM aware that no doctor can prescribe methadone for addiction purposes and only the clinics are allowed to give out methadone for that purpose. If my mother goes with me, and tells him that she will be responsible for giving me my methadone dose each day so there is absolutely zero way for abuse potential, could it be possible for him to switch me? I think he would most likely take me off the benzo or start weaning me off. I haven't developed a dependency to klonopin yet as I can go days without it and feel fine. I really only take it when it gets bad.
I need some help here. I really think this is my only option at this point. I would love to get into this clinic near me because they take my medacaid(my psychatrist doesn't, and it's all out of pocket, except my insurance covers the prescription for subs) but I don't have time to sit on a waiting list. What if the next time I relapse I end up OD'ng?*knocks on wood* I can't afford to take that chance. If anyone has a similar story or situation, please offer up any advice you may have.
There are other methadone clinics in my state, but they are hours away and there's simply no way with the way gas prices are now that I can afford to make a 2-3+hour drive every morning just to get my methadone, plus have to drive back while medicated. Ugh. I don't want to touch this fucking drug anymore. I want people to know that I'm stable, and under medical care and taking a legal substance to keep me away from using heroin. I want my girlfriend to feel comfortable knowing that I can't relapse, and I want my family to feel comfortable as well. Right now, they don't feel comfortable, and it's depressing the hell out of me.
I'm really sorry for this long story... I really am. I just really enjoy the feeling I get from opiates, and it's something I'm finding really hard to stay away from. When I first got on suboxone, I was clean with zero relapses for over 8 months. Now? I relapse once every week, or every other week. Sometimes more. It's like as soon as I found out I could "cheat the system" and use heroin whenever I wanted to, and then just take suboxone to never have to face any kind of withdrawal symptoms, it all went down hill. There has to be some kind of way. I don't want to do any kind of hospital stay just to start methadone. I can go 72 hours without suboxone or heroin in my system, and "detox" so to speak, and then begin methadone...easily. That's why the clinic here is so appealing to me, but waiting list? I don't get it. I understand a lot of people are addicted to heroin, but really how long is the process every morning of coming in, drinking your cup/swallowing your pill, signing a waiver saying you were here and took your medication, and going on your way? Sorry I'm just agitated right now.
