Innocence Dies

[iridescentblack]

I am a very spiritual person. But without naming most of my beliefs, I'll just simply say that my religion revolves around magic. It has helped me through some very trying times and perhaps even led me to them. I wrestle with my demons everyday as they constantly fight for control. This is perhaps due to my use of trance states in my efforts to gain understanding, knowledge, and power.

So a few months ago I had my first taste of an experience I'm not too sure how to feel about, because I really don't understand it.
I was driving toward the old group home where I used to live when all of a sudden I felt like a piece of me died. Not like a physical piece, but a portion of my soul just broke off and became something darker before becoming a part of me.

I understand it now as innocence. And when my innocence dies I can feel it. I worry this is because of stressful times when I would visualize with great clarity a bloodbath, a massacre... either a statement or fantasy vengeance.

But with so many spiritual people out there, I have to wonder... has anyone else felt this?

 

[swilow]

Interesting. I can't say I've experienced such a thing myself...

What made you think it was your 'innocence'? You said "innocence dies I can feel it", so has this happened before? I also wonder what you mean by innocence...

 

[-=SS=-]

Personally I would drop the magic and use of trance states, unless you are absolutely sure what you are doing and understand the risks involved.

I will give you my opinion. It could be way off base so don't take it to heart or as guidance:

First of all your intuition is obviously still present.. you felt something and it left an impression on you, from which you are concerned and realize that perhaps you've taken a wrong turn somewhere that has led to this experience. I had a similar experience several years ago at a low point in my life when I was immersed in bad habits.. though to me I wouldn't label it as innocence dying but almost of the feeling you would get when you were very young and did something regrettable that caused your parents to say "I'm really disappointed in you".. and that sad, hollow and guilty feeling that followed their words. I interpreted the experience as my guiding spirit or some helping force sending me the impression.. not because I believed at the time in the idea of a helping spirit, but because I don't believe you can separate from your soul or higher self or whatever.. so it had to be something external to me. It sent me the impression as a warning that I was going too far off the track. It only happened once, and it made me feel sad enough that I almost cried.

You said it broke off and came back darker. Have you been having dark thoughts since that moment, or something to justify that statement you made.. or was it just an impression you felt? If there has been a corresponding change in your mental state and thoughts I would highly recommend re-evaluating what you're doing with magical practices.

I don't believe anyone ever loses themselves; I don't believe it's possible to lose your soul. What can happen though is we get hypnotized, interfered with or possessed by external influences. The fact you mentioned your magic practice and trance states says, to me anyway, that you know that is correlated to this event.. and I would say it is. Real magic is not something to mess about with.. I think many people, especially younger people, get attracted to it because its mysterious and dark etc.. and believe what they read without genuinely considering the possible consequences of their actions whilst simultaneously placing blind faith that nothing could go wrong.

Definitely don't be trying to intensely visualize bloodbaths or any shit like that.

 

[iridescentblack]

Innocence dying? Oh, it's happened a bunch of times. Could probably count them all on one hand. What I mean by innocence? Not sure if I could tell you.

"Broke off and comes back darker." My thoughts have not become darker or more morbid. If anything, I'm still the same nice, non-judgmental dude... maybe even a little bit more benevolent.

As for trance states and magic, There's really no going back. It's too late. What I become because of it is what I will become.

But who really knows "exactly what the fuck they're doing in life." You can't tell me you know exactly where your future's headed, or what your future children look like. I knew exactly what I was getting into. I had a good idea of what it would do. But did I know exactly what my future would look like after the magical practices? perhaps not

 

[-=SS=-]

"Broke off and comes back darker." My thoughts have not become darker or more morbid. If anything, I'm still the same nice, non-judgmental dude... maybe even a little bit more benevolent.

Well that's good to hear

As for trance states and magic, There's really no going back. It's too late. What I become because of it is what I will become.

Why? Unless you've made a deal with the devil or become tangled up in some cult I see no reason why you have obligations to it? Is there a reason you can't walk away? If you don't want to say publicly you can PM.. I'm just curious. I'm also interested in what kind of magic you do or the name of the practice. I've read stuff about magic, but more from the angle of not actually doing it.. just getting idea of how one protects themselves.

I knew exactly what I was getting into. I had a good idea of what it would do. But did I know exactly what my future would look like after the magical practices? perhaps not

Slight contradiction here. If you knew what the possibilities and all the angles were you may/may not have gotten involved.. but alas, foresight is a wonderful thing we lack as humans. No one knows about their future, this is true. However, there are certain things you can do to help conserve the chances of you doing or making something positive of your life, or for your children. Getting involved in magic, for me, is not one of them, but each to his own.

 

[iridescentblack]

I'm talking about High Magic, also called Hermeticism. "Once you reach a certain level of involvement, there is no going back to a blissful existence."~Francis Melville

 

[Foreigner]

Yes ignorance is bliss, but you can still return to a state of innocence despite experiencing all that you have. Innocence is a way of viewing life, through the eyes of awe, and knowing that you no matter how much you know, you really know nothing. Maybe you are mourning the loss of innocence based on ignorance, while not realizing it can be replaced with innocence that is grounded in wisdom? Not to mention, we are all innocent in some way or another, by virtue of not being omniscient.

Your soul can't be taken from you or altered. It's a spark of the Divine that neither you nor anyone else has ownership of. Your spirit, which is corporeal, is another story. What you describe sounds like an effect of dissociation, which is a normal human response to a challenge or trauma. From what you describe, this was all brought on by revisiting a place from your past, the group home. What is it about that place which is connected to your perceived loss of innocence?

It's hard to give more than that because I don't know the full extent of your day to day life or your spiritual practices, which are none of my business anyway. If you're a Hermetic practitioner then you know that you must eventually learn inner alchemy in order to transform consciousness into more pure, clarified states. May be that you're just dealing with an aspect of ego which is making it hard for you to see your true will. If you work with a deity you can ask them for help, assuming you have a solid relationship with one?

 

[iridescentblack]

Not really a deity per se... But I did have a pretty solid relationship with Archangel Gabriel.